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November 2006 Foundation Newsletter |
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PARENTING Parenting brings with it a wide scope of feelings, ranging from frustration to pure joy. Often the feelings of frustration are caused when a child goes through different growing and emotional stages and communication between parent and child that worked before now fails. In the book, Helping and Healing our Families, Dr. Kirk H. Thorn writes how concerned parents are who contact him when their child experiences such behaviors as: irritability, impulsiveness, defiance, negative attitude, stubbornness, shyness, sadness, isolation, aggression, uncaring, hyperactivity, argumentative, unfocused, and anger. Dr. Thorn explains that all of these characteristics can be expressed by normal children who are typically developing and learning the basics of self-control and social skills. In these cases parents can view these behaviors as difficulties or challenges that can be addressed over time and in loving and patient ways. However, Dr. Thorn writes, these same characteristics may be indicative of more serious disorders, particularly when accompanied by additional symptoms such as: increased or decreased appetite, increased or decreased sleep, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or excessive worry or guilt, low self-worth, extreme grandiose ideas, excessive talking at a louder and faster pace than usual, jumping from topic to topic quickly without normal connections, agitation, and foolish or reckless behaviors. Dr. Thorn explains in these serious cases, children or adolescents may have been behaving this way for years and nothing has seemed to help them. As a result, parents are often deeply concerned and may become increasingly fearful for their children and what the future holds. As a clinical psychologist, Dr. Thorn has had many opportunities to observe the interactions between parents and children or teens who struggle with these serious problems. When he clarifies for parents how the problems came about, he states it gives them faith and hope in implementing solutions. According to Dr. Thorn, to correct a negative pattern requires that both parents and their teens consider their choices and interaction patterns. For example, parents may need to stop what they have been doing that has been ineffective, reevaluate the child or adolescent’s behavior, and finally, implement effective changes in their own behavior. |
This process requires prayerful consideration, honest introspection, and observation of the results If positive changes in parenting interactions are made but the child continues to present the original symptoms, these children may have more serious issues that require therapy and can be better identified and diagnosed. It is not uncommon for children to exhibit more than one disorder or problem.
Sometimes parents have become so frustrated with their child and the troubling behavior that they become ineffective and even antagonistic in communications with their child. Outside stressors can also increase the difficulty parents may encounter in their efforts to be effective communicators with their child. Elder Marvin J. Ashton gave the following insights about communication in families: To be effective, family communication must be an exchange of feelings and information. . . . Time and participation on the part of all are necessary. . . . Differences should not be ignored, but should be weighed and evaluated calmly. One’s point or opinion usually is not as important as a healthy, continuing relationship. Courtesy and respect in listening and responding during discussions are basic. . . . How important it is to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable. . . . Try to be understanding and not critical. Don’t display shock, alarm, or disgust with others comments or observations. Don’t react violently. Work within the framework of a person’s free agency. Convey the bright and optimistic approach. Dr. Thorn suggests twelve ways for parents to communicate with their angry or moody child or teen: (1) Do not expect children or adolescents to understand their problems entirely. (2) Exercise patience in trying to listen to what your child or teen is really saying. (3) Listen carefully to what the child or teen is saying in both words and behavior without "correcting" his or her feelings and concerns. (4) Do not push your solutions on your son or daughter. Ask if he or she would like you to help or provide suggestions. (5) Provide examples of how you |
have coped with similar problems in your own life. (6) Spare the criticism in your communications. (7) Remember to leave the emotion out of the conversation. (8) People, including children and teens, dislike being controlled. Boundaries and limits are different from over control. (9) Be direct in your communications. Talk about the problem or situation that concerns you. Be sure to pick your battle. (10) Timing is critical. If you cannot talk without shouting or raising your voice, wait until you can so the child or teen might hear you better. (11) Address issues before they become unmanageable. (12) Remember, positive reinforcement for appropriate behavior is much more effective than punishment. Look for the good things in your children’s behavior and let them know you notice. Dr. Thorn concludes advising parents that it is important to remember that rearing children in today’s world is difficult. All parents make mistakes. If you make a mistake as you parent your child, remember to apologize and then prompt yourself not to repeat it. Children are resilient and they are forgiving. Never give up and do not hesitate to seek professional advice from a reputable child or adolescent therapist if your own thoughtful solutions have not yielded good results. Find other great parenting resources from Brigham Young University Internet archives for conferences like: Families Under Fire, Family Expo, Women’s Conferences, and BYU Education Week on the Mental Health Resource Foundation website. SUCCESS STORIES AND FEEDBACK The Foundation is still looking for success stories. How are we doing? If you have read a book or guidebook published by the Foundation and it has helped you or a loved one significantly, we would like to know about it. If you use the Foundation's website regularly to find needed resources on addictions, mental illness, parenting, etc. we would like feedback on how you used the resources or articles and all that you've learned and accomplished by using the website. Also, please let us know if the website led you to find the help or resources that you needed. Send feedback and comments to: info@mentalhealthlibrary.info |
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