CHAPTER 9 - BY JOYCE AND DENNIS ASHTON

    As church members our spirituality represents the core of our being. Thus, spiritual pain can be at the very heart of our hurt and may constitute the most painful phrase of our grief work. The spiritual circle is purposely placed in the middle of our diagram so that it overlaps all the other dimensions (figure# 3).

    “All things unto me are spiritual” (D&C 29:34, Moses 6:63).

    Our spirituality is a unique dimension of our faith and religion. It could be defined as our relationship with God and how we relate and communicate with him. Spirituality is influenced by deep feelings, yearnings, and true knowledge that emanates from our thoughts, heart and soul. Belief in an afterlife or spirit world and interest in unworldly affairs are all part of our spirituality. When we fast, pray, read the scriptures, and interact with ward members at church, we are attempting to nourish our spirituality and feel closer to our Heavenly Father.

    Spirituality is an integral part of most member’s lives. For believing Saints, the gospel is a way of life. It is belief in and companionship with God and Christ that provide the utmost meaning and purpose in our lives.

    Religion may be defined differently than spirituality. Religion is where or how we nourish our spirituality. One’s religion includes a system of policies, practices, and beliefs.

    Many Americans are no longer “at home” in their religious tradition. Some are experiencing a spiritual homelessness. As members of the church it is comforting to know we have a fullness of the Gospel. People continue to join the Savior’s Church, looking for “home,” while many other churches are experiencing declining memberships. Newsweek published the following statistics relating to church-membership decline between 1965-1990:

    U.S.A. Presbyterian Church—(and its two predecessor denominations) from 4.25 million to 2.85 million.

    The American Baptist Church—1.3 million to 1.2 million.

    Evangelical Lutheran Church—from 5.7 million to 5.2 million.

    The United Methodist Church—from 11 million to 8.7 million.

    The United Church of Christ—from 2 million to 1.5 million.

    The Episcopal Church—from 3.6 million to 2.4 million.

    The Disciples of Christ—from 1.9 million to 1 million. (1)

    During the same time period, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints grew significantly. In 1960 there were 321 stakes (each stake has approximately three thousand members). By 1991 the number had grown almost six times to eighteen hundred stakes. In 1998 alone, 299,000 converts joined the church while the number of stakes increased to 2,505. The total church membership exceeded 10 million members that same year. (2 4/99, p.78)

    The LDS religion, with its emphasis on obedience to God’s commandments, requires a lifetime of work and service. As Latter-day Saints we are blessed with revealed spiritual direction that brings meaning and purpose into our lives. Spiritual direction from inspired leaders can also can bring healing and comfort for those experiencing adversity.

SPIRITUAL INJURY

    For many bereaved, “God may become the answer and the question.” (3) Some may feel as David:

    “My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? Why are thou so far from helping me...? I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not...’ (Psalm 22:1,2) “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13: 1)

    Moses cried:

    “Lord, wherefore hast thou so evil entreated this people? Why is it that thou hast sent me? For since I came to Pharoah to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” (Exodus 5:22-23)

    In the beginning of Job’s adversity he suffered spiritual injury:

    “...Today is my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning...Oh that I knew where I might find him...I would fill my mouth with arguments. I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him.” (Job 23:2,3,8)

    The Lord didn’t immediately answer all of these prophet’s questions and concerns, and he may not answer all of ours.

    Sometimes adversity influences individuals to turn more completely toward God and their faith, finding comfort and strength. Others confronted with adversity become hurt, confused or angry with God and/or church leaders and members. At times faithful and religious members become hurt spiritually, especially when they thought God would protect or shield them from their adversity. Over time, hurt, confusion and anger can develop into spiritual injury, even among faithful and active church members. Spiritual injury can be defined as feeling alienated from one’s previous personal spirituality. It may include a feeling of being separated from God, Christ, or our ward families.

    “Why am I hurting, and in so much pain when I have the truth of the Gospel?” “Why did God allow this to happen to me?” “Why was I born this way?” “Haven’t I been a good person?” Others may wonder, why God would allow an innocent child to suffer, why he doesn’t protect them.

    A spiritually injured woman said:

    “After my daughter died, my existence shattered. I felt like I had been run through a meat grinder. It has obscured everything in my life, and distorted my view of God and humanity.”

    It is common for people of all religions to become “Spiritually Injured” during or after tragedies and adversity. It crosses all races, cultures and creeds. Spiritual injury usually results when life’s realities contradict and/or conflict with our previously-held spiritual assumptions.

    I wrote the following after Cameron’s death:

    “All my planning, hope and prayers for my son’s successful surgery seemed in vain. The neatly-woven incisions on his hips as he lay lifeless, seemed a mockery to all my plans and organization. His new electric wheelchair sat motionless. I knew I had faith, believed in God and in life after death, yet in the beginning, I found my grief so intense that my faith alone was not enough to comfort me.”

    During adversity some are unable to experience spiritual feelings and question their faith and worthiness. This type of spiritual injury is a common grief response. With time and grief work, most of the spiritually injured will return to their previous faith and beliefs, finding the comfort they seek. It may be necessary to redefine or reframe some of our harmful erroneous beliefs. This healing requires time, prayer and proper grief work.

    Some will feel judged at church, fearing that others think they caused or deserved their adversity.

    “I thought this kind of thing happened to those who weren’t righteous enough. So when it happened to me, I felt ward members were judging me as less worthy.”

    Others, especially children, promise or bargain with God trying to change their situation:

    “I will be good. I’ll never do anything wrong. I will pray every day, go to church, if I can just be cured.”

    One child asked his mother after the death of his sister and in the midst of his own mental illness: “Mom, why do really bad things keep happening to us?” (I worried about this child when, five years later, I got a call reporting that his other sister had been hit by a car and was in a coma.)

    Some children and adults plead and pray for a miracle or other types of divine intervention. Others fast, pray and receive priesthood blessings.

    “I prayed as a young child that God would not let my parents get a temple divorce. After their divorce, it took me a long time to understand why he did not answer my prayer the way I wanted.”

    Some feel shame and discouragement when they hear others bear testimony of how their prayers were answered, or express how they were protected, warned or healed because of their faith and or obedience. We may question within ourselves, “Why wasn’t I warned, protected, or healed, or why didn’t I receive a miracle? “We may wonder what is wrong in our lives, blaming ourselves as we question our faith or worthiness.

    “I knew if I just prayed hard and believed, God would make me well again. It’s been so hard to understand why he hasn’t. Doesn’t he love me? Aren’t I righteous enough? Am I being punished? Is my faith weak?”

    After a loss or tragedy some return to the church looking for and finding comfort in the hymns and lessons. The same hymns and lessons cause others to remember and long for what they have lost. This in turn may cause them to suffer deeper feelings of loss and spiritual injury. Many are:

    “Astonished to note their own feelings of anger at a scripture reading regarding the resurrection and healing, sadness at stories—scriptural or otherwise—of tenderness or loss, depression regarding a flashing of memory..., hurt and envy at the announcement of others going on with their lives with baptisms, confirmations, and marriages, and indignation when a reference is made to the justice and mercy of God. These feelings are often exacerbated by familiar, meaningful songs and music that cause the spill-over of tears again and again.” (4 p.127)

    A friend and bereaved woman at a regional conference heard an area authority comment on the many miracles he had observed among the stakes. He concluded that the members were very faithful and strong.

    She wrote:

    “I thought, ‘Why couldn’t my family have been one of those miracles?’ I had to leave the meeting early because I couldn’t stop crying. I realize that everything can’t be a miracle, but it is hard not to look at other’s miracles around you and not wish for one, too. My mind knows better, but my heart still hurts.”

    Other faithful members are ashamed to express their doubts and questions:

    “Often people are embarrassed by their questions, as though they should have the answers themselves already, or should have learned them in church or in the common culture, and are ashamed that they obviously weren’t listening the day these issues were discussed. Sometimes they feel intimidated, fearful that if they ask the questions on their minds, God would punish them for their unbelief or their theological stupidity. So they wander in agonizing silence, ashamed and afraid, yet forever unsettled by the nagging, nonsequiturs called forth by trying to align their experience of loss with the scriptures they read and the sermons they hear.” (4 p.143)

    A former bishop, stake president, and mission president revealed the depth of his anguish twenty years after the death of his daughter:

    “Did this happen because I didn’t have enough faith? Was it something I did? Wasn’t I worthy enough to have prevented it?”

    He, like many, still asks himself these same painful questions over and over. His anguish validates the lifelong grieving most parents experience after losing a child. He also shared somewhat reluctantly, “I send her love daily.”

    Others question whether they are stuck in their grief work or lack sufficient faith to move forward.

    “I asked the same questions over and over. Then I think I’ve resolved them in my mind, only to find myself asking them again.”

    This constant questioning of one’s faith and worthiness can result in spiritual injury.

    A sexually abused child wondered and questioned:

    “I prayed that God would stop him from coming into my room at night. When he continued to come and sexually abuse me I wondered, ‘ Is it because I am bad?’”

    Others experience confusion, disappointment and guilt that can contribute to their spiritual injury:

    “I still can’t believe my temple marriage is over. Why didn’t God intervene? I knew God could and I believed that he would.”

    Occasionally members feel that their personal world has crumbled, and they fear that God is no longer with them or has failed to care about and protect them. These fears and disappointments can complicate the grief process and cause spiritual injury.

    Often church leaders and well-meaning members are at a loss and find it difficult to accept and support those experiencing chronic suffering. They do much to comfort and provide support to families during the initial crises or illness, at the funeral, and for several weeks thereafter. The outpouring of meals, service, personal attention, and love are appropriate and usually greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, most ward members are not as aware or comfortable with the realization that the mourning and recovery from a significant loss may last months and often years. They don’t realize or want to believe that some will never fully get over their loss and, in fact, may desperately need continued support to endure and get through their personal Gethsemanes.

    Those of us in mourning often feel unaccepted, confused, or judged. We fear that if we don’t heal quickly, we may be considered weak, unworthy, or unfaithful. As we pull away from significant others we add guilt to our list of negative emotions. We may fear that we are not only turning from ward members and our faith but also from God. Because having faith is a sense of belonging to God and is often felt through God’s leaders and servants, we may feel painful spiritual rejection during our grief. Our self-imposed isolation, compounded by our negative emotions, is usually of no benefit to ourselves or anyone else. There are, fortunately, countless examples of church leaders that have responded with charity, empathy and understanding:

    “Why, when I hurt the most, did God seem silent?” Her spiritual leader replied, “It is hard to hear the still, small voice when your soul is screaming in pain.” (5)

        The Book of Mormon describes two different kinds of reactions we may have following affliction:

    “But behold,…many had become hardened,…and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.” (Alma 62:41)

    Despite good intentions, our reactions and feelings in the face of tragedy may be difficult to control. Most of us would choose the latter response—to be softened. However, when tragedy hits, our good intentions may leave. We may feel shame and wonder what is wrong for having such negative feelings. This is how spiritual injury can begin.

    We can contribute to another’s spiritual injury through the comments we make. We sometimes innocently share opinions or cliches without thinking ahead about how our platitudes may affect those who are mourning.

    “I finally went through my angry stage of grief. I have a close friend at church who said, At least your new trial has probably taken the focus off of your grief for your daughter’s death. She will never know just how wrong she was! I think of you constantly, of your normal birth, of how healthy you were. How you offset the pain we sometimes feel with your brother’s disability. I am so angry you had to die. I wouldn’t be going through any of this if you were alive. My faith has wavered!” (6 p.132)

RELIGIOUS CLICHES

    Religious cliches, like secular cliches, can cause additional hurt, anger, sadness and guilt. Often we use them because we don’t know what else to say. These statements seem to readily come to our memory. We need to be careful when using doctrinal cliches or phrases that may cause or increase spiritual injury.

    Possible examples include:

1. It’s God’s will.

2. If you have enough faith you will be healed.

3. God will heal him.

4. There is a reason for everything.

5. You don’t die until your time is up.

6. Count your blessings.

7. God took him or her.

8. Only the good die young.

9. Your loved one is freed of this terrible world.

10. You have an angel in Heaven.

11. God doesn’t give us more than we can bear.

12. Keep the faith.

13. God needed or wanted her.

    Even if we believe some of these cliches, individuals often feel as if we are trying to diminish or negate their pain and grief when we share them. We can’t take their grief away. Most individuals need to search out their own revelations and answers, rather than hear our thoughts or sermons, especially in the early stages of loss and crisis. Remember that possessing strong faith doesn’t necessarily mean there is less of a need to grieve, and weak faith doesn’t always correlate with intense grief. (For supportive comments refer to Ch. 13.)

    We can also help those grieving by educating others who have made such remarks. With understanding and love we will be better prepared to reach out to those in grief without causing the bereaved to question their own spirituality or experience negative feelings. Spiritual growth will be enhanced as individuals come to understand and accept the grief process, its duration, and, most importantly, its compatibility with faith and spirituality.

TOOLS FOR SPIRITUAL HEALING

    Christ is a “man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3)

    Adversity visits all who walk this earth including  faithful, worthy Latter-day Saints. How can we prevent the negative things that happen to us from doing negative things to us? We are less likely to become negative and overwhelmed if we can focus on God, the source and author of spiritual tools. He gave us the Atonement through his son and the gift of the Holy Ghost as His voice. He is a comforter and the revealer of truth. Those things that bring spiritual healing come through Godly sources. Revealed truth and faith in the atonement will not cause spiritual injury or “enlarge the wounds of those already wounded.” (Jacob 2:9) The painful trials and tribulations of earth life are, of course, part of the experience God provided for each of us. We agreed to all the conditions of our mortal existence.

    “…the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18)

    Many bereaved members have found that healing from spiritual injury occurs when they feel safe to express their fear, anger, and doubt. A mother whose daughter died of cancer said, “I may not know what I believe about God any longer.” The following insight, love and acceptance expressed by her church leader helped her through the healing process: “God can handle your anger, fear and doubt. You are not the only person to ever question your beliefs during tragedy.” What a relief for this woman and those experiencing spiritual injury to find someone willing to listen and accept their confusion and pain without condemning judgment. She was then better able to start the process of spiritual healing and forgiveness. With unconditional love and support, many will start to nourish their faith again by returning to prayer, scripture reading, and church attendance. Most will heal and return to their faith with time, patience and grief work.

    “After my tragedy, I had to start all over again with my testimony and beliefs. At first I wouldn’t allow myself to read LDS doctrine or from the Book of Mormon. I wanted to learn what others believed. I read and studied from many books, including the Bible. Slowly my spiritual pain improved and I returned to my own faith, doctrine, and the Book of Mormon.”

    A woman who was angry at God said:

    “If I didn’t believe in God, I wouldn’t be angry at him now for not protecting me from this tragedy.”

    Belief in God allows us to access His power and comfort. Those who ask, “Where is God?” in such a crisis may need to open their hearts to find him. After expressing confusion and anger, many will be able to let go of their fears and look again to Him.

    “The spirituality of grief requires us to turn inward, to go deep into the wilderness of our soul. We may have to feel depression and anxiety. There is usually no quick way out. We may feel like we are drowning and have to tread water. We must realize disorder and confusion are part of the journey. Healing the soul becomes managing the soul. Let sadness show you what happiness is, let happiness show you where sadness was. Growth may mean change. Sometimes you can only handle pain in doses. You may find a new inner balance with no end point. Growth means exploring our own assumptions about life. You can’t control the wind on a boat, but you can adjust the sails. Tragedies challenge us to look at our assumptions about life. We must pay attention to the spirit. You can reframe your beliefs within your own religion. You can be death-accepting versus death-denying. Learn where you go when you hurt and what brings you comfort.” (7)

RECONCILING FAITH, PAIN AND GRIEF

    After Cameron’s death, I was confused because I thought that if I had enough faith it wouldn’t hurt so badly. I believed I would be shielded from most of the painful feelings of grief. I came to realize there is a difference between grieving and having faith.

    Dennis and I found many other deeply faithful church members who wondered why they were feeling such profound pain when they had been obedient and faithful. Some have been referred to 1 Cor 10:13 which says, “God will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able to...escape or bear it.” Also, in Alma 13:28-29 it cautions us to watch and pray “that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear.” Some have interpreted this to mean that they would not be given more challenges than they could handle. The scriptures use the word temptation, which may have a different connotation, “tempted more than we have strength to resist.” It may have more to do with sin rather than adversity, pain and grief. We have met many who feel they are barely hanging on; some become suicidal. Other individuals give into temptation and sin; however, it is generally not our place to judge whether or not they had the emotional or mental strength to resist their personal temptations. During adversity, individuals may feel like giving up and, unfortunately, some do have mental or emotional breakdowns and ultimately do give up. Only God knows what their mental, physical and spiritual states are. For most of us it is simply helpful to understand that exercising faith and experiencing grief represent two important yet uniquely diverse issues. Mourning for our loss does not necessarily mean we are weak or that we have lost our faith. Grieving, crying and feeling pain for our situation is not conclusive evidence that we don’t have sufficient faith or are weak. We can believe in God, life after death, and all the truths of the gospel and still experience profound pain, grief and sadness in our mortal lives.

    It is also common to question God and some of our previous beliefs during the grief process. Some have embraced false interpretations of doctrine that should be altered and reframed. This is especially difficult if these false beliefs or traditions were ingrained through reinforcement by our parents or other significant individuals. The following scriptures discuss how the traditions of our fathers influence us: Mosiah 1:5, Matt. 7:8, Alma 3:8, Alma 9:16.

    “My mother taught me I would be protected and blessed if I lived the Gospel. I interpreted this to mean that because I was a member of the LDS church living all the commandments, this tragedy would never happen to me.”

    It is helpful to understand that being protected and blessed doesn’t mean being exempt from trials. It does mean we can receive direction and be strengthened to endure our trials in ways similar to Christ, Joseph Smith and other prophets. It might be well to remind ourselves that we will “...receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” (Ether 12:6)

    It is important for those experiencing trials to understand that there is a difference between faith and our need to grieve or feel sad. Understanding this truth can relieve our guilt and allow us to feel God’s love.

    Attempting to console those who have lost loved ones or endured serious trials by saying it will be better in the next life tends to minimize their immediate pain: “It’s like you’re on a desert and you are dying of thirst, and someone says, ‘Yes, you can have a drink, but not for thirty years!’” (8 p.151)

    Yes, we will see our loved ones again and we will be relieved from our adversities in the next life. However, that ultimate destination for many of us follows a long, painful, earthly journey! We can develop “patience in tribulation,” (Romans 5:3-4, D&C 54:10) and maintain faith even as we experience intense grief. God comforts us by reminding us that in his time, “afflictions are but a moment.” (2 Cor 4:17-18)

MIRACLES and AGENCY

    It is healing for us to believe that God can and does intervene in our lives, and that miracles do happen. “God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.” (Mormon 9:15), and “Miracles have not ceased.” (Moroni 7:27-29, Mormon 9:19) It can be equally healing to understand that in most instances, God allows natural laws to run their course. Many will have to endure earth life with significant illness, disabilities, loss and emotional pain. Our miracle or healing may not occur in this life and “Our faith will be tried.” (3 Nephi 26:11)

    Often we refer to miracles as a guaranteed predictable event when they are, in reality, a hoped-for occasional example of how God can work in our lives. Sometimes we forget that major miracles in the face of life’s tragedies are the exception rather than the rule on our earthly journey. In the shooting tragedy of Columbine High School and bombing of the Oklahoma Federal Building, many asked why some victims survived and others did not. Some of those interviewed said, “We are grateful that God protected and spared our lives.” Consider the unsaid message to those who had lost loved ones. This may sound harsh; however, what many of them heard was, “God did not protect our loved ones, or we were not blessed”. The same illustration could apply to other kinds of loss and adversity. A bereavement counselor interviewed many people after the bombing. He concluded that those who were coping well believed that God did not cause or intend this horrible event and that God was in fact grieving with them. Those who were not coping as well believed that God controls and plans everything, and thus was responsible for the bombing and the deaths of their loved ones.

    Many have asked, “Why does God allow good, innocent men, women, and children to suffer?” If their suffering is caused by someone else, it is helpful to explain that God generally does not take away another individual’s agency. God allows choice. (Alma 60:13) Evil individuals can and do hurt and murder other innocent victims who are living gospel centered lives.

    Moral agency is an important doctrine and principle of the Gospel. It was Satan’s plan to destroy our agency. With their agency, some choose to make poor choices, to sin, and even slay innocent victims. In the Book of Mormon, Alma and Amulek watched as faithful believers were burned. Amulek wanted to use God’s power to save them. Alma said:

    “The spirit constraineth me…the Lord receiveth them unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that the people may do this thing…that the judgements which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath would be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them.” (Alma 14:11)

    Moroni’s teaching illustrates that to ensure God’s justice and judgment the Lord at times permits righteous individuals to suffer or die as a result of another’s sinful use of agency, “His justice and judgment may come upon the wicked.” (Alma 60:13)

    Although we are free to choose our actions, responses, attitudes, etc., we are not free to choose the consequences and, “Man is not free to determine truth....” (9 p.160)

GOD COMFORTS

    God is there to comfort and support us through our trials: “I will come to you.” “I will not leave you comfortless.” (John 14:18) “The word of God heals the wounded soul.”  (Jacob 2: 8-9)

    “But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.” (Jacob 3:1)

    “…He hath sent me to bind up the broken hearted,…to comfort all that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1-3)

    It is comforting to know that God “hears us in our affliction” (Alma 33:11), and that He “will wipe away our tears” (Rev. 7:13-17). Although we may not understand why some of us are healed and others not, it is comforting to know He does have the power to heal us physically, mentally and spiritually. He will “take upon him…the sicknesses of his people” (Alma 7: 11) and He will “…succor us in our weaknesses.” (Alma 7:12)

JUSTICE and MERCY

    John Taylor wrote:

    “There may be circumstances arise in this world to pervert for a season the order of God, to change the designs of the Most High, apparently, for the time being. Yet they will ultimately roll back into their proper place—justice will have its place, and so will Mercy, and every man and woman will yet stand in their true position before God.” (10 p.346)

    Mortal life can seem endless for those facing long-term adversity. Earth life is not fair. Elder Maxwell reminds us: “If it’s fair, it is not a true trial.” (11 p. 31.) Our hope in the gospel is that the accountability and judgment of God will make things equitable in the eternities.

    It can be helpful for innocent victims to know that God is just and merciful and that there will be a punishment for those who use their agency inappropriately. The principle of God punishing the wicked is taught throughout the scriptures: “The wages of sin are death.” (Romans 6:23) Spiritual death is separation from God. Also, the Lord will judge and punish the unjust. (Deut. 24:16, 2 Peter 2:4) Additional examples of punishment for sin are found in the Book of Mormon: 2 Nephi 2:5, Mosiah 2:33, Mormon 4:5, and Alma 42:22.

WHY ME? WHY NOW? WHY THIS WAY?

    The following was written by a mother who lost her teenager to a bike/truck accident. This is a letter to her deceased son. It displays the common confusion and questions:

    “…I love you so. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there that morning, to not let you ride, for not making you go with me that terrible day. I love you so much. All I want for you is to be happy. Please, please be happy. Please be with us in Eternal Life. Was this the way it was supposed to be?”

    The “whys” are a common and painful part of adversity. We ask them over and over again. We think we have finally resolved them, and then we ask again. There seems to be two kinds of “whys”: Why did this happen, God? And “Why” did this happen logically, psychologically or medically? Many have found, “He who has a Why to live for can endure almost any How.” (28) The irony of our Whys are: “How often in happy times did you ask, “Why?” (12)

    There are some theological answers to the “why me?” questions in the scriptures. We must, however, be careful not to overuse these interpretations. Scripture reading and gospel study shared at the appropriate moment can be therapeutic and comforting. At the same time, we need to be cautious and throw out false doctrine which may be culturally-based on traditions rather than the Gospel.

    Elder Neal Maxwell explains that trials come to us from three general categories (11 p.29-31): Type l: Trials we bring on ourselves by the sinful choices and mistakes we make. (Often we blame God for our trials and overly identify with Job, when in actuality our trial is self-imposed.) Type ll: Trials that are part of earth life. For example, people get sick, have accidents, endure old age and die. We could also add to this category those who suffer innocently from the sinful choices of others. Those abused, murdered, betrayed, etc. Type lll: Trials God uses to refine us: “But he knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” (Job 23: 10) When Christ was asked if a man’s blindness was the result of sin, he answered: “Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.” (John 9:1)

    It is not our place to decide which of the three types of adversity our neighbors are experiencing. Our tendency to judge others is humorously illustrated in the following definitions: Punishing: What the Lord is doing to your Gentile neighbor when misfortunes come. Chastening: What the Lord is doing to your LDS neighbor when adversity hits. Testing: What the Lord is doing when a bad thing happens to you. The will of the Lord: The reason I am rich and you are poor. Bad luck: The reason why you are rich and I am poor. (Saintspeak)

    “Judge not that ye be not judged.” (Matt. 7:1)

    It is helpful to remember that at times in their adversity, Job, Moses, David, Joseph in Egypt, Joseph Smith, Jesus and many other righteous servants have felt forsaken by God during their suffering. At times it may be difficult for us to understand why God doesn’t intervene the way we think is best. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were to be thrown into a “burning fiery furnace”, they displayed their commitment and faith by replying: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us....BUT IF NOT, be it known...that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image...” (Daniel 3:7-8)

    President Kimball, while a member of the Council of the Twelve, authored a pamphlet called, “Tragedy or Destiny”. He humbly cautions that the pamphlet contains many of his own thoughts and personal beliefs; nevertheless, Elder Kimball’s personal revelation is insightful and poses some challenging questions for each of us to ponder. He asks, “Does the Lord cause tragedies in people’s lives?” He questions, “Why does the Lord let these terrible things happen?” A child was drowned, several people were killed in a plane crash, a young elder was killed in the mission field. Elder Kimball asks, “Was it the Lord who directed the plane to crash or the drowning to occur?” He raises the question, “Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies?” He confirms that the answer is definitely, yes, the Lord is omnipotent with all power. However, he poses additional questions, “What if the Lord always punished the wicked and blessed the righteous?” How would the gospel law of moral agency work? Wouldn’t we always choose righteousness if we were immediately blessed? Wouldn’t the wicked choose righteousness if they were immediately punished? Would they continue to choose to be wicked? Should the righteous be protected from hardship, pain, suffering, sacrifice or tragedy? Pres. Kimball shares:

    “But if all the sick were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principal of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. If pain, sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy, peace and rewards were instantaneously given to the doer of good, there would be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good, there would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls. Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment or even death, and if these were not there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life and Godhood.” (13 and 27 p.97)

    Would we have protected Paul from his “thorn in the flesh”? The Lord said unto him, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor. 12: 7, 9-10)

    Would we have allowed Jesus to stay on the cross? Would we have allowed the Prophet Joseph Smith to suffer in Liberty Jail, and later die in the Carthage Jail if we had all power?

    At times when we ask “Why,” what are we really saying?

    “Lord, let me be in control, give me the reins, everything will work out better if I’m in control. I doubt God’s goodness because He does not use His power exactly as I wish.” (14 p.3)

    My life is but a weaving between my God and me

    I let him choose the colors, He worketh steadily.

    Oft times he worketh sorrow and I within my heart forget

    He sees the pattern while I see only part.

    The dark threads were as needful in the weavers skillful hand

    As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He had planned.

    Not till the loom is silent and the shuttle ceases to fly

    Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why. (15)

GOD’S WILL

    One mother asked, “Was it ‘God’s will’ that my daughter was raped and murdered?” Many hurting members have struggled when they were told their adversity is “God’s will”. It seems helpful when Dennis and I say to them, “It is certainly God’s will that we experience earth life and return to him. God created this world where we experience pain, sickness, accidents and death.” However, to say to the suffering individual that God’s finger was on the trigger or that he caused someone to be murdered, raped, abused or betrayed “…is a cruel and unreasonable false doctrine.” (4)

    “I have seen people in the hospital with injuries or illnesses who accept this is God’s will. Sometimes we can say, ‘I wonder what kind of God would specifically cause a person to injure their knee or get cancer?’ That helps the person realize ‘Oh, I don’t think God CAUSED this’ thus opening a discussion of how God may have allowed us to come to earth and allowed these things to happen to us but did not directly cause this.” (16 p.20)

WORTHINESS / PUNISHMENT AND GRIEF

    It is helpful to understand the interrelatedness between worthiness, pain and grief. Many people believe their tragedy is a punishment for past sins. Belated confessions to extramarital affairs, church inactivity, breaking commandments, and dishonesty, are common when personal tragedy occurs. These shortcomings often come quickly to mind when life’s circumstances seem out of our control. It may come from being taught that if we play with fire we will get burned. If we fail to look both ways when crossing the street, we could be hit by cars. If we cheat, lie or steal, we will someday have to pay for those choices. When we receive blessings from God, it is through obedience to eternal laws. (D&C 130:20-21) Conversely, some of us may inevitably reason that when we don’t receive blessings or protection from God, it is always a result of our personal weakness and sin. After a crisis, these and other perceived truisms quickly flood our minds, complicating our grieving. We may search for some wrong we did in the past to explain our present loss. The association of loss and shortcomings may actually increase the complexity of our grief process. However, if our adversity is indeed a result of sin then it is important that we use the repentance process as a healing tool. As we confront adversity, we must evaluate each situation and, when appropriate, eliminate incorrect and erroneous thinking. When we come to understand that “God maketh his sun rise on the evil and on the good” (3 Nephi 12:45) and that in reality it “rains on the just and the unjust” (Matt. 5:45); We are then more likely to acknowledge and accept that “bad things do happen to good people.”(17) With these spiritual insights, we are also more apt to find meaning in our personal suffering.

    “Many assume that God personally pulls strings and causes many of these events and it makes more theological sense to say that life is unfair and that God promises to be with us through all of these events. God’s power is found in presence, (and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost) not in prevention or punishment.” (4 p.144)

    As we evaluate ours and others’ trials, it might be well to ask:

    “... is the reason to teach us a lesson, or provide a situation of suffering, disability, or death, for the specific edification and spiritual growth of another person? To assume this is not only to assume a God of meanness and cruelty, it is also to show incredible narcissism and religious self-righteousness disguised as piety on the part of the person who is not sick or afflicted.” (4 p. 145)

    “Would God punish or teach me by causing my daughter to experience abuse, my wife to get cancer, or my child to die, or does he allow these events and provide the resources and support necessary for our personalized growth and development toward Godhood?”

    Joseph Smith said:

    “It is an unhallowed principle to say that such and such have transgressed because they have been preyed upon by disease or death, for all flesh is subject to death and the Savior has said, ‘Judge not’ lest ‘ye be judged.’” (18 p. 15.)

    “When one understands that trials are not necessarily the result of one’s own doing, the test may be easier to endure.” (30 & Mosiah 23:21)

    Many righteous individuals, striving to live the commandments, ask, “Did I deserve or need this experience?”

REFINING

    We should be hesitant in telling someone God is refining them like Job. Examples in the scriptures of how God uses trails and affliction in specific instances may not represent a sampling of how most of life’s trials originate. “…I will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried…” (Zech. 13:11) “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.” (Hebrews 12:6) “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.” (Mosiah 23:21) He chastens with afflictions (Helaman 12:3) and tries your faith. (Mosiah 23:21)

    Elder Neal Maxwell explains that God may not give us the trial; he may just decline to remove it. (11 p.31) If we can be patient and endure, the Lord can “Consecrate our (thine) affliction” (2 Ne 2:2) and support us in our trials. (Alma 36:3)

TESTING/TRYING

    Some have also answered their “why me” questions by concluding that God is testing them, trying to see what they are made of. The previous conclusions could apply. Certainly we believe that all life has meaning, purpose and is a test. But should we look to God for inflicting every challenge or thorny problem directly on us as an assignment from him, or are most of our trials a result of living in a world where adversity exists?

    Some members are offended when, during a crisis, they are told that God is trying to “tell them or teach them something”. God does allow us to learn and grow through adversity, however, making God responsible for causing divorce, accidents, or inflicting illness may result in serious spiritual injury.

    “It doesn’t seem fair that one would have to guess what God’s intended lessons must be. What kind of a God would choose a brain tumor as a learning device? Do you really think God would bestow cancer upon your child in order to teach you something?” (16 p.21)

    I had a nonmember client in her late twenties who was sure that the two miscarriages following her marriage were a direct punishment from God. She reasoned that because she had an abortion as a sixteen-year-old youth, she needed chastisement. She also carried a lot of guilt because she had never told her parents about the abortion. The repentance process proved healing for her and she eventually did have a full-term healthy baby. However, the question remained, was her miscarriage inflicted on her because of her sin, or had the abortion she chose caused physical damage to her body that resulted in her compromised ability to maintain a pregnancy?

REPENTANCE / THE ATONEMENT

    The previously-mentioned client’s crisis encouraged her to go through the repentance process and experience God’s forgiveness. “If we confess…God will forgive... .” (1 John 1:9) If we don’t repent, God is slow to answer our prayers and deliver us from afflictions. (Mosiah 11:23-25) “We can be turned into another man.” (1 Samuel 10:6-9) and receive a new heart.” “Faith with repentance bringeth a change of heart.” (Hel. 15:7)

    Elder Packer shares a beautiful parable of the atonement, repentance, justice and mercy. He tells of a man who wanted more material things than he could afford to buy. He promised his creditor that he would work hard and pay his debt off slowly with time. However, when the deadline came, he was lacking. He could not pay. The creditor put chains on his hands and feet and prepared to send him off to prison. As he was crying and mourning the justice of his fate, a compassionate friend stepped forward, offering the debtor mercy by paying his debt. The chains were removed and he was told he was free to go. With gratitude he agreed to finish paying his debt to this new creditor who had shown him mercy. The allegory is that in spite of all we do we are all lacking and come up short until Christ steps in to pay our debt through the atonement as we repent. (19 p. 54-56)

    Christ suffered “the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children... .” (2 Nephi 9:21). This suffering is not just limited to sin, “but also the cumulative burden of all depression, all loneliness, all sorrow... .” (20 p.104) He has felt the pain and suffering brought about by living single, losing loved ones, facing illness, disabilities, divorce or any of life’s losses. He bears all these burdens and is the Savior who understands our every suffering.

    “In all their affliction, he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them: in his love and in his pity, he redeemed them, and carried them...” (Isaiah 63:9)

FORGIVENESS

    As we hope for God’s forgiveness through his atonement, we may need to also offer forgiveness to others or ourselves. Many of our struggles may be related to someone who has hurt us. “Forgiveness can increase emotional and physical healing. Being unwilling to forgive can ‘FREEZE’ you.” (21)

    Forgiveness can be part of our spiritual healing. However, it may take time and a lot of spiritual grief work to accomplish such a difficult task. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? Acts of betrayal may be the most painful. Many have asked, “Can I forgive a perpetrator if they have not repented?” “Can I forgive without hearing the words ‘I am sorry’?”

    “The reality of the situation is that no amount of talking, no analysis of why the betrayal occurred will completely do away with the hurt. No penalty can be handed down that will satisfactorily pay off the debt. No matter how cruelly you’ve been treated, the power to forgive does not lie within the person who hurt you…the blocks to forgiveness are ultimately within you. Forgiveness can stop the cycle of hurt.” (21) (permission to quote Dr. Paul W. Coleman)

    “It’s difficult to recognize the personal benefits of forgiving another person who has intentionally hurt us. When our wounds are deep and our scars permanent, offering forgiveness to an unrepentant offender may seem impossible. Under such circumstance the old “eye for an eye” approach is a tempting solution to personally extract our ‘deserved’ pound of flesh. Unfortunately substituting another’s pain for our own brings no permanent resolution or true healing. Substitution provides revenge while resolution through forgiveness allows healing to take place regardless of the location or attitude of the offender.

    The following false beliefs and biases can limit our ability to forgive someone who has betrayed us:

    1. Forgiving lets the perpetrator get away with some thing.

    2. Forgiveness is a sign of personal weakness.

    3. Forgiving will cause the abuse to occur again.

    4. Not forgiving helps punish the perpetrator.

    5. The perpetrator must repent or apologize before I can forgive.

    “It has taken years for me to understand how he could have abused me when I was such a small child. I’ve finally come to feel sorry for him, let go of the hate, and start to forgive.”

    A forty-year-old woman revealed that, as a young girl, she had experienced sexual abuse by her father. He died before she became an adult. In an attempt to help her let go and forgive her father, Dennis used a counseling aid that utilizes visualization and guided imagery to help her heal.

    She pictured herself with a large group of people who loved her. The Savior was also present and expressed his love and acceptance of her. When she was ready, she could open a door where her father was. When she decided to open the door and saw her father, she screamed, yelled and confronted him. Through her tears she realized that he, too, had been abused and in this safe environment began to feel compassion toward him. She was ultimately able to offer him forgiveness and later claimed her depression was lifted.

    The following member was able to forgive an unfaithful spouse:

    “My spouse has been unfaithful. After our divorce he remarried and divorced again. We have now decided to try and to put our temple marriage back together. It’s been so hard to trust and forgive. However, I feel I need to try.”

    How do you forgive the man who robbed, raped or murdered your loved one?

    “My daughter was raped and murdered. It has been seven years. I will never forget or get over it. However, I am trying to forgive.”

    Although very difficult, the Lord asks that we forgive ourselves and others: “…ye ought to forgive one another;…it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:8-11 and Matt. 18:35)

    The following tools have proven helpful to those attempting to offer forgiveness:

    1. Write a letter to the offender.

    2. Keep a journal of your feelings and memories.

    3. Visualize and confront the offender (by imagining him sitting in an empty chair or through guided imagery).

    “Forgiveness is an ongoing process. It is a gift you give yourself. Christ offered us forgiveness…before we ever needed or asked for it.” (22 5/1/99 p.15)

    The Lord has said that “Vengeance is mine, I will repay.” (Mormon 3:15) Satan is the author of un-forgiveness. (2 Corin. 2:10-11)

OPPOSITION

    The Lord explains, “For it must needs be, that there is opposition in all things…righteousness…wickedness, holiness…misery…good…bad...” (2 Nephi 2:11)

    He has also told us “…and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good...” (Moses 6:55-56) “Only the soul that knows the mighty pain can know the mighty rapture.” (3)

OMNIPOTENCE

    God not only weeps with us as we experience pain, he also loves and comforts us through His power. We must remember His omnipotence even when the answer to our prayer is “no” or the comfort comes in a different way than we expected.

PERSONAL REVELATION/ IMPRESSIONS/ VISIONS

(See more in Ch. 10.)

    Personal revelation and impressions can bring healing and comfort. God has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost, one of the most powerful spiritual tools available.

    “And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers: And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.” (Isa. 30:20-21)

    Those facing adversities can receive spiritual healing through personal revelation which can come from impressions, dreams and visions.

    I wrote the following experience in my journal:

    “I received some spiritual impressions and insight today. I was doing the laundry, of all things. I was feeling confused about life and God’s intervention in it. I had just talked to several women whose husbands had left them and their families. As I listened to their pain, I wondered how God could stand to watch their suffering and not cause a great miracle and take away all of their pain. Why didn’t he intervene and change their situations? The words that came to me were simple. I had heard them a hundred times before. But now the power of the spirit overwhelmed me. What I heard in my heart was this: ‘The Lord, God, knows the end from the beginning.’” (Isaiah 46:10, 1 Nephi 9:6)

    This experience rang true to me because for several years I facilitated bereavement groups at a community hospital. The neonatal loss group provided support and direction for parents who experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or ectopic pregnancy. When I first started working with this group, I hurt almost as deeply as my clients. Their experiences caused me to remember and mourn my own losses. I wondered how I could help them resolve or get through their intense grief. With time I would see them heal, get pregnant or adopt beautiful babies. After watching over a hundred families each year journey from despair to happiness, I stopped hurting so much. I could now see or imagine the “end from the beginning”. I knew with time, grief work, and prayer they could work through most of their grief. For most, having another baby did not cause them to forget the one they had lost. However, parents who lose a baby can eventually reconcile their grief and feel joy and happiness again.

    God knows that many are suffering unfairly, often at the hands of others. Remember, death, disease, and pain are all part of the plan we accepted when we agreed to earth life. God generally does not take away the agency of spouses or others who cause us harm. Fortunately, He has not left us alone. He has provided the Holy Ghost to comfort us.

    Visions, like impressions, have been a source of knowledge and comfort for many. A stake Relief Society president came to LDS Family Services because she was feeling serious conflict in her life. Initially it seemed that she was simply overly involved in too many worthwhile projects in addition to her own busy calling and family. She gained insight as she identified self-defeating behaviors in her life and was soon able to say “no” without fear of rejection, set some priorities, and cut back on some duties. Throughout the therapy, however, she didn’t feel she was receiving the peace she had desired. One day as she was praying she had a vision. She saw herself as a little girl sitting on a stool in the kitchen with her feet dangling in the air. Her mother was accusing her of not telling the truth. She had just told her mother that her brother had been sexually abusing her. Her mother told her that her brother would never do “that”. Her vision of this past painful experience opened up new opportunities to help her. Her recollection was followed by understanding and healing as she was finally able to deal with the true source of her pain and insecurities. Following her insight, she was able to acknowledge the pain, work through the issues and ultimately let it go.

    Dennis and I had impressions that caused us to believe that we might prematurely lose our fourteen-year-old disabled son, Cameron. I often feared he would die from an accident that I hadn’t protected him from. He regularly fell off his tricycle and even with his helmet on and seemed vulnerable. However, I didn’t anticipate that he would slip away in his sleep in a close observation room with bright lights, Dennis and a nurse at his side.

    Two years after Cameron’s death, both of us were surprised how much we still missed and mourned for him. One day as I was feeling particularly sad and discouraged, I cried out in prayer, “How long will it hurt so much? Why does the pain keep coming back?” Then I heard a still small voice in my heart and mind that directed me to read in the Bible. I turned to Jeremiah chapter thirty one, “A strange place to read,” I thought. I knew I hadn’t read much from there before. When I got to verses fifteen through seventeen my heart leaped. I felt the Lord was trying to comfort me, along with all those who have or ever will lose a loved one!

    “Thus saith the Lord; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping; Rahel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not. Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord; and they shall come again…. And there is hope in thine end saith the Lord, that thy children shall come again…” (Jeremiah 30:15-17)

    This scripture hit me with great force and power. I realized later that this counsel was given to mothers who were mourning for their children that King Herod had ordered killed. (Matthew 3:17-18) These inspired words gave me increased faith and the strength I needed to endure the wait! (Isa. 40:31; D&C 98: 2-3)

    Impressions and revelations have blessed many during adversity. Some are surprised by the answers they have received.

    “I have tried for many years to keep my temple marriage intact. I have received comfort from the spirit and many impressions on how to do this. Even after my husband had left us and was excommunicated, I believed we would work things out and stay together. I was shocked after much fasting and prayer when I received an impression to file for divorce.”

    Another woman, surprised by the answer she received said:

    “My husband had been unfaithful, divorced me, remarried, and divorced again. I was shocked when I received a answer after much fasting and prayer to give him another chance and put our temple marriage back together.”

    An unwed mother writes:

    “As much as I want to keep my baby, I received a strong impression that if I really love and care about him, I should place him for adoption with LDS Family Services so he could be sealed to both a mother and a father.”

FAITH

    Having faith and hope does not mean things will always come out how we’d like. It does mean we must trust the Lord to comfort and help us through. Remember the Kosovo social worker we spoke of previously who explained that the reason his people wanted to return to their destroyed homes and land was because the “hope in their hearts could not be destroyed”? “For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?” (Romans 8:24) The Lord has told us to keep the commandments so our faith won’t fail. (D&C 136:42) One’s faith can be a healing tool for grief recovery:

    “The only way to meet affliction is to pass through it solemnly, slowly, with humility and faith, as the Israelites passed through the Red sea. Then its very waves of misery will divide, and become to us a wall, on the right side and on the left, until the gulf narrows before our eyes, and we will land safe on the opposite shore.” (23)

    However, we have been told that not all have faith (D&C 88: 118) and that faith is a gift. (1 Cor. 12:9) We all have different gifts and we are not to judge the faithless. (Rom. 14:1-5)

    Dennis and I have friends who are pilots. They often enjoy a clear sky when they fly above the clouds, even though down below we might be buried under a blanket of dark clouds. Sometimes our lives are like that—all we can see is the darkness. “For now I see through a glass darkly;...” (1 Cor. 13:12) However, the reality is, the sun is always shining. The “SON” is also always shining for us, even when we find ourselves in the black pit of despair. (24)

    We can have faith and tap into spiritual tools to know his power and see clearer. “But then face to face...shall I know even as also I am known.” (I Cor. 13:12) We must “Walk by Faith” (2 Cor. 5: 7), and faith can purify our hearts. (Acts 15:9) The definition of faith according to the Kings James Bible Dictionary is: “Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but are true.”

    The Bible tells us, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1), and that we won’t receive a witness until after the trial of our faith. (Ether 12: 6) The Lord has said, “I will try the faith of my people”. (3 Nephi 26:11), and that Christ is the author of faith. (Moroni 6:4)

    The brother of Jared displayed great faith. He progressed from faith, asking the Lord to touch the stones that they might have light, to pure, absolute knowledge, and ultimately he saw HIM! Our faith may not be as complete as the brother of Jared; however, his example can increase our faith.

    The parable of the mustard seed provides insight on how we can nurture our faith. The mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds, yet if nourished it can grow into a large tree. After a loss some of us may have to start over again by replanting a tiny seed of hope. We can let our desire for faith work in us as we nourish our little seed day by day and exercise faith that it will grow. (Alma 32)

    We may rediscover that there is a God who will comfort us and help us through our tragedies. “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, nothing shall be impossible to you.” (Matt. 17:20) “If ye have enough faith, God will give you what ye ask for.” (1 Nephi 7:12) This scripture may confuse those who don’t get their prayers answered immediately or the way they’d hoped for. However, it has given others the hope and strength to keep asking. Wendy Ulrich Ph.D., a friend and AMCAP (Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists) colleague, discussed the following paradoxes: 1. Knowledge without certainty. It is important to accept the necessity of faith or, as David Tracy, says: “It is good enough knowledge.” (26) We can have peace amid uncertainty. 2. Presence in absence. We can believe and feel the spiritual presence of God in his physical absence. We can practice this privately or through our church service, prayer and temple worship. (25) In this discussion of faith we need to remember that having faith does not preclude us from also experiencing grief.

SERVICE

    Service can be a powerful spiritual tool that offers relief from our grief. It helps us forget our problems as we discover that there are others suffering around us who could use our help, acceptance and understanding.

    Dennis found while working on the hospital psychiatric unit that those patients who recovered the quickest were those able to reach out and help another patient. “Those who bring sunshine to others cannot keep it from themselves.” (Sir James Barrie) (12 p.90)

    We often forget the power of giving and living the gospel. It sometimes becomes so routine we take for granted how blessed we are to have these healing tools in our lives. Offering service or becoming a servant often humbles us. “Be thou humble; and the Lord…shall lead thee and…answer thy prayers.” (D&C 112:10)

CHURCH ATTENDANCE

    Many of us will find it difficult to attend church during and after a crisis. The songs and lessons that once offered comfort to us now may remind us of our loss. Cameron was able to pass the sacrament with the use of a special metal tray attached to the arm of his electric wheelchair. We loved watching him do this. For a long time after his death it was very difficult to watch the sacrament being passed without his being there.

    “It’s so hard to sit on the pew without my wife next to me.”

    “I felt like I was under glass, like everyone was staring at me, wondering how I was doing. The lessons seemed so trite compared to what I was facing.”

    There are many who find increased peace and comfort at church following a crisis.

    A friend said after her adversity:

    “I am just loving going to church, Sunday School, Relief Society, etc.! I am soaking up every word. I am craving the Spirit right now.”

    Eventually most of us can return to church as we redefine and accept our “new normal.” The peace, comfort and fellowship of worship can, with time, bring lasting happiness and comfort.

SACRAMENT BLESSINGS

    Do we only find God in times of peace, happiness and abundance? Do we miss out on growing experiences and God’s love looking for it only in times of smooth sailing? Do we believe God loves us unconditionally? Are we only blessed when things are going well? While working with members during loss, some have asked if they are “still blessed.” It is a common phrase we hear often during fast and testimony meetings.

    When someone says, “I am blessed,” what does that mean? Does it mean we have no problems in our lives, or that we are just focusing on the good things in our lives? If we are having a lot of adversity in our life, can we still be “blessed”? When we ask God to bless us, we may be seeking something specific or asking for protection. However, aren’t we actually seeking His Spirit to be with us? The sacrament prayer found in D&C 20:77, 79, confirms this. “...always remember him and keep his commandments...that they may always have his Spirit to be with them.” We can have His spirit with us even during adversity.

TEMPLES

    Elder Dallin Oaks teaches:

    “One of the purposes of building a temple is to present to the Lord a house in which He can reveal Himself and His mysteries to His faithful children.” (22 10/31/92 p.11)

    Many have found the temple to be a safe and peaceful refuge during adversity. Three months after Cameron’s death, Dennis performed his temple work. It was a very small company with only one row of women and two rows of men. Dennis sat on the second row of the men’s side. I kept feeling like someone was sitting behind me. I looked back; however, the whole back of the room was empty. The feeling became so intense that I came to believe Cameron must be sitting behind me! I couldn’t see him, I just felt his presence. It was confusing to me, because I thought, “If he could come and watch his ordinance for himself, why would he sit on the women’s side?” Was it just my imagination, or wishful thinking? After the ceremony, I asked Dennis if he thought it was possible for Cameron’s spirit to be present? He said, “I believe so, and he seemed to be sitting right behind you!” This confirmed our impressions and brought both of us comfort and spiritual healing. However, this post-death impression was never repeated and we know many wonderful members who hoped for a similar impression, vision, or revelation that did not come.

    One of my childhood friends recently confided in me:

    “I have wanted to feel the presence of my deceased son in the temple. It seems odd that others tell me they feel him there and I do not.”

    We don’t understand all of the workings of the spirit in the temple. There may be many factors involved in explaining why someone does or does not receive a particular spiritual gift. (See chp.10 p.174)

MYSTERIES

    Many of our spiritual frustrations don’t end with, “Okay Lord, now I understand, I see why these terrible things are happening to me.” Rather, we must file many things away as a mystery, something we just can’t understand. Nephi said, “God loveth his children; Nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” (I Nephi 11:17)

    Part of faith is knowing there are mysteries. Our natural eyes cannot see and understand all. The Greek term “mystery” means “to close the eyes or to close the mouth.”

    The Lord sent Elijah to hide in the Kerith Ravine. He said that Elijah would drink from the brook and the ravens would feed him. (1 Kings 17) It must have been a mystery to Elijah when the brook dried up.

    The word “mystery” appears in the New Testament twenty four times. Paul speaks of “the mysteries of God” in 1 Cor. 4:1. “The mysteries of God’s will” is found in Ephesians 1:9. “The mystery of Christ’s presence within human beings” is in Cor. 1:27.

    Although there are many mysteries, we are blessed as members of Christ’s church to have the restored Gospel which reveals more spiritual knowledge than all other Christian doctrines combined.

    Elder Oaks teaches:

    “The Melchizedek Priesthood gives us access to the mysteries of God…through this priesthood we receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, by which we are taught the things of God...” (22 10/31/92 p.11)

PRIESTHOOD / PRAYER / FASTING / SCRIPTURES

    These spiritual tools are listed last because most members are aware of them and use them regularly. However, as members of the church we often take them for granted, not fully comprehending their power to comfort and heal us spiritually. We need God’s power in our lives to heal from adversity.

    “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God...” (Romans 8:35, 37-39)

    Do we pray as fervently during good times as we do during our adversity? Even the Savior seemed to turn to God more fervently during his agony and suffering, “Being in agony he prayed more earnestly.” (Luke 22:44)

    We can reach the Lord through praying, fasting, priesthood blessings, attending church, the temple and reading scriptures. However, many struggling individuals cannot initially turn to these tools during their crises. Some individuals have reluctantly shared:

    “It is so difficult to pray to a God who allowed this to happen to my family.”

    It’s important for us to keep trying and not give up. Remember that eventually most will be able to return to their faith and reach out to God again. It will then be possible for us to tap into the power of the Holy Ghost, who is literally referred to as The Comforter.

    One member described it well when she wrote:

    “I have prayed, fasted, attended the temple and received a priesthood blessing in hopes of being relieved of my adversity. However, my adversity still remains. Now I pray, fast, attend the temple and receive blessings to help me ENDURE my adversity.”

HOW DO WE ENDURE TO THE END?

    Enduring to the end may mean a variety of things to each of us. Sometimes accepting our adversity is the first step to enduring and healing. I have grown to admire those I work with in hospice. Many suffer day in and day out, week after week, month after month, wondering when death will bring relief. It is hard on those suffering, and those caregivers watching, loving and often providing backbreaking care.

    Enduring is a principle of the gospel. Many righteous people have had to endure suffering. Ten of Christ’s twelve disciples were executed. Stephen was stoned. Joseph Smith, Job and David had to endure adversity and felt forsaken. Even as Christ suffered on the cross, he asked his Father, “Why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46) Many people suffering have asked that same question. It is helpful to look to Christ as our example; he too, had to experience earthly pain and suffering of His own free will:

    “Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered, and being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obeyed him.” (Hebrews 5:8)

    The Prophet Joseph Smith also called out to the Lord in Liberty Jail for relief from his suffering:

    “Oh God, where art thou?... Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and…[thou] be moved with compassion towards them?” (D&C 121:1,3)

    He was told in verse seven “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.” The Lord provided support as he continued to discuss Joseph’s afflictions. However, he never removed them.

    “If thou art called to pass through tribulation…If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations;…and thou be dragged to prison,…and the sentence of death passed upon thee;…if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?…fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” (D&C Section 122, verses 5–9)

    Enduring often means not giving up in the face of serious challenges and adversity. “Press forward with a brightness of hope.” (2 Nephi 31:20)

    Elder Maxwell teaches:   

    “When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capability perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship…” (11) “Patience is not to be mistaken for indifference. It is to care very much, but to be willing, nevertheless, to submit both to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the ‘process of time.’” (11)

    Orson F. Whitney taught:

    “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we ENDURE, especially when we ENDURE it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God.” (27 p. 98)

    The scriptures encourage us to “endure afflictions.” (2 Tim. 4:5) “We must endure tribulation.” (Acts 14: 22) “Behold we count them happy which endure.” (James 5:11) “Wherefore, if ye shall be obedient to the commandment, and endure to the end, ye shall be saved at the last day.” (1 Nephi 22:31) “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.” (D&C 24:8) “Endure it well, God shall exalt thee...” (D&C 121:8.) “Has the Lord forgotten you? No, he has engraven you on his hands.” (1 Nephi 21:14-16)

    God loves us and allows us to experience joy and pain. He is acquainted with grief. (Isaiah 53:3-5) He can help us “remember our pain no more.” (Alma 36:19) With faith, prayer, study and the other spiritual tools mentioned, we can find peace and come to understand and accept how God operates in our world. With time, patience and grief work we can come to understand that grief is a process; recovery or adaptation is a choice; and resolution is a journey rather than a destination.

References

Chapter 1

1. H. S. Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Avon Books, N.Y. 1981.

2. R.K. Limbo and S.R. Wheeler, When a Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping, La Crosse Lutheran Hospital/Gundersen Clinic, Ltd., 1986.

3.T.A. Rando, 1995. “Grieving and Mourning: Accommodating to loss. In Dying: Facing the facts”, edited by H.Wass and R.A.Niemeyer, pp.211-43 WA. DC:Taylor & Francis.

4. Grollman, E. King’s College Bereavement Conference, May, 1995.

5. Hospice Foundation of America’s Newsletter, ‘Journeys’, Miami Beach, Fl. March 1999.

6. E.A. Grollman, Living When a Loved One Has Died, Beacon Press, Boston. Mass.1977, p. 58.

7. G.W. Davidson, Understanding Mourning, Augsburg Publishing House, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1984.

8. Humphery, M.G. &Zimpfer G.D. (1996). Counseling for grief and bereavement, Thousand Oaks, Ca.: Saga Publication.

9. A. Bozarth-Campbell, Life is Goodbye, Life is Hello, CompCare Publications, Minn., Minnesota, 1982.

10. M.C. Sanders, (1999) Grief the Mourning After, N.Y. John Wily & Sons, Inc.

Chapter 5

1. D. Edwards, audio tape, Learning to Live With Grief, Covenant Recordings, Inc., S.L.C., UT. 1989.

2. DSM 111 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (3rd Edition), American Psychiatric Association, Washington, D.C., 1987.

3. E. Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, Macmillian Publishing Co., Inc., New York, 1969.

4. B. Bush, Guilt-a tool for Christian Growth, Abbey Press, St. Meinrad, Indiana, 1991.

5. C. Thurman, These Truths We Must Believe, Thomas Nelson, Nashville, Tennessee, 1991.

6. G.W. Davidson, Understanding Mourning, Augsburg Publishing House, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1984.

7. C. Tuttle, The Path to Wholeness, Covenant Communications, American Fork, UT. 1993.

8. ADEC, Association for Death Education and Counseling Conference, Chicago, Ill. March 1998 speaker A. Wolfelt.

9. R.K. Limbo and S.R. Wheeler, When a Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping, La Crosse Lutheran Hospital/Gunderse Clinic, Ltd., 1986, p. 8.

10. B.D. Rosof, The Worst Loss: How families heal from the death of a child, H. Holt & Co; New York, 1994.

11. Sobel, D.S., 1997. “Partners in Health Newsletter”. Kaiser Foundation, Dallas, TX.

12. M.Dickson, Grief Seminars, Dallas, Texas 1992

13.  R. Neihbor (quote over 100 years old).

14. P.S. Buck, The Child that Never Grew, Woodbine House, Bethesda, Maryland, 1950, p.26.

15.  J. Borysenko, Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, Addison-Wesley Publishing Co., Inc., Reading, Massachusetts, 1987.

16.  K.J. Doka, Children Mourning/Mourning Children, Hospice Foundation of America, Wa. DC 1995.

17. AMCAP Association of Mormon Counselors and Pyschotherapists Conference, SLC, Ut. Oct. 1997.

Chapter 9

1. Woodward, K. “Deadened for the Mainline.” Newsweek Aug. 9, 1993: 46-48.

2.  Ensign Magazine, 50 E. North Temple, SLC, UT 84150-3224, 4/99 p.78.

3.  E. Grollman, King’s College Bereavement Conference, May, 1995.

4. C. Meyers, Surviving Death: A Practical Guide to Caring For The Dying and Bereaved, Twenty-Third Publications. Mystic , CT 1991.

5. Burton, K.W. “When God is silent... Loss and Faith.” Heartbreaking Choice Newsletter, Summer 1998.

6. J. Ashton & D. Ashton, Loss and Grief Recovery, Baywood Publishing Co., Inc. Amityville, New York, 1996.

7.  ADEC, Association for Death Education and Counseling Conference, Chicago, Ill. March 1998 speaker A. Wolfelt.

8. Edwards, D. GRIEVING: The Pain and the Promise, Covenant, Inc., SLC, UT., 1989.

9. S.W. Kimble, The Teachings of S.W. Kimble, Bookcraft SLC, UT 1982.

10. The Gospel Kingdom, writings and discourses of John Taylor, Bookcraft, Inc., 1987 SLC, UT.

11. N. A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, Deseret Book, 1979, SLC, UT.

12. Grollman, E.A., Living When a Loved One Has died, Beacon Press, Boston, Mass. 1997.

13. S.W. Kimble, ‘Tragedy or Destiny’, Deseret Book, SLC, Utah 1982.

14.  J. Hunt, ‘Hope for the Heart’ Newsletter Sept./Oct. 1996.

15. Old Testament Media video CES ‘91.

16. J. R. Zurheide When Faith is Tested, Augsburg Fortress, Minn., MN 1997.

17. H. S. Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Avon Books, N.Y. 1981.

18. L. Cook, Words of J. Smith Deseret Book, SLC, Utah, 1984, p.15.

19. B.K. Packer, The Mediator, Ensign Magazine, May 1977 p.54-56.

20.  Callister, Tad R., Infinite Atonement, Deseret Book, SLC 2000.

21.  AMCAP Associations of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists Conference, SLC, UT. April 1999, speaker M. Gamblin.

22. Church News, Deseret News, SLC, UT.

23. The Compassionate Friends Newsletter, Carrollton-Farmers Branch Chapter Feb. 99, Dinah M. Mulock.

24. R.J.Hulbert, The Sun is Always Shining, Eptic Enterprises, Parma, Id.

25. AMCAP Association of Mormon Counselors and psychotherapists Conference, SLC, UT. Oct. 1997.

26. D. Tracy, Plurality and Ambiguity: Her meneutics, religion, and Hope, Chicago, IL.: Chicago Press 1987.

27. Kimball, S.W., Faith Precedes The Miracle, Deseret Book SLC, Utah 1972.

28. F. Nietzsche (quote public domain over 100 years old).

29. Kimball, S.W., Faith Precedes The Miracle, Deseret Book SLC, Utah 1972.

30.  Bateman M. The Ensign magazine, SLC, UT. Jan. 1999, p.13.