CHAPTER 5 -
BY JOYCE AND DENNIS ASHTON
One of life’s most meaningful emotions, happiness, can be
compromised by weighty adversity and loss. The word bereaved means “to rob.”
Those in mourning are often “robbed” of something or someone that was very
significant to them.
Acute grief is often experienced when we are facing a
serious crisis or enduring a significant loss. Symptoms of acute grief include
disbelief, denial, shock and numbness.
SHOCK, NUMBNESS and DISBELIEF
“How can this be? I can’t believe it!”
Loss often changes how and what we expected our life to be.
Our assumptive world has been altered or violated. Dennis and I had personally
never felt such deep pain until Cameron died. We, like many, felt, “This is not
fair!” and asked, “Why us?” We were in a state of confusion. The disbelief,
sadness, loneliness, fear, regret, and despair initially seemed to overpower us.
It became difficult to fully experience happiness, joy, love, or spirituality
for some time. At times it became difficult to concentrate on even simple tasks.
Our normal coping behaviors had been depleted for the first time in our lives.
DENIAL
For some the disbelief and denial may remain for weeks,
months, or even years. Sometimes friends and relatives contribute to this
denial. They may think or say things like, “I won’t talk about it if you don’t.”
(1) Some of us go a step beyond denial in our attempt to cope. This is called
repression: an unconscious forgetting of the traumatic event. We stuff the loss
far from our conscious memory. Unfortunately, emotions not dealt with on a
conscious level may appear later as physical or mental illness, generalized
anxiety, panic attacks, or post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Some of us use avoidance patterns to deny our grief. These
are behaviors and attitudes that help us delay feeling pain. Avoidance patterns
include purposely postponing, displacing, or minimizing the emotions or event.
Some individuals become obsessed with shopping, working, eating,
intellectualizing, traveling, exercising, crusading, or drugging their pain.
There may be secondary losses resulting from changes and
adjustments that might be denied initially. The divorcee who tries to maintain
the same financial status finally realizes that she must sell her home to
survive financially. Another may have to return to work to support her family.
It will often take doses of reality and painful experiences for us to totally
realize all we must face in the future. However, with patience, time, and grief
work, our denial can subside and eventually most will be able to successfully
face the hurtful realities of our new life.
“I had no idea there would be so many other changes and
adjustments following my loss. If I’d had to face all my losses at once I would
never make it. Step by step, I am slowly adjusting.”
DEPRESSION
A psychologist counseled one of his depressed clients to go
to the circus to lift his sadness. He thought seeing and laughing at the
cheerful clown could relieve his client’s depression. The client responded, “I
am the circus clown!” How many of us have to wear a mask and play the clown
because of our depression or because others fail to recognize our pain?
“I feel like I’m in a big black hole. Nothing feels or
looks good to me. I’m afraid I can’t keep going.”
Situational depression can be a reaction to a traumatic
event and a component of grief. It can be a result of the sadness and deep
sorrow we have experienced. Depression can influence our thoughts, moods, and
behaviors. When events seem beyond our control, the helplessness that follows
often leads to depression. We may feel worried, overwhelmed, and anxious.
Intense anxiety can also lead to depression. We may feel agitated, tense and
lack the ability to concentrate or even remember what we were going to do. We
may feel empty, fearful, helpless, hopeless, worthless, and abandoned. We may
physically move slowly and feel emotionally dead inside. Depression can also
result when our anger is turned inward. When we blame ourselves, talk or think
negative thoughts about ourselves, or keep all our feelings bottled up inside,
we may find ourselves in a deep black hole of depression.
Every year more than eleven million Americans suffer from a
serious depression. Depression is often brought on by loss. Job lost all he
owned, in addition to his loved ones. He also suffered physical pain and
experienced intense emotions, including depression: “My soul is weary.” (Job
10:1)
One woman said, “I’ve lost my song.” Another said, “The
worst thing in life is to be alive...but dead inside.”
Some depressive symptoms can bring changes in our body’s
ability to function. We may experience changes in weight, sleep, and appetite.
We might not be able to perform as well at home, school or at work. We may not
be able to interact with others with the same confidence. If our situational
depression persists it can develop into a clinical depression, qualifying in
certain instances for the diagnosis of major depressive disorder. (2)
A clinical depression not only changes our ability to
function but can lead to a total inability to function. In extreme cases,
individuals become incapacitated and are unable to care for themselves and lose
their desire to live. Fortunately, even serious depression can be successfully
treated. Clinical depression, however, does not usually respond to the basic
self-help tools alone (exercise, sunlight, diet, writing therapy, etc.). It may
require professional intervention, psychotherapy and/or medication.
Depression can often lead to suicide if left untreated.
(See p. 22)
ANXIETY
Anxiety is a common symptom of adversity. Anxious feelings
usually come when someone or something we value is being threatened? It could
include the threat of losing love, security, esteem, integrity, control,
success, etc.
“The other night the storm picked up so violently. I
panicked and ran to find my three-year-old son. He is my only child. I have had
three miscarriages and lost both of my tubes. I cannot bear another loss. I am
angry I have these fears.”
Job describes his anxiety as he faced his multiple
sufferings and losses:
“For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and
that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I
rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.” (Job 3:25-26)
Our anxiety may appear in a variety of behaviors. After
Cameron died I dove into overactivity. It may have been an attempt to validate
my worth or redefine my purpose, now that I no longer had Cameron to care for. I
used my busyness in doing tasks in an attempt to find relief from my grief.
Through my overactivity I was determined to make my life significant,
meaningful, and productive in spite of my pain. All of this overactivity helped
me cope as best I could; however, eventually I had to slow down to prevent
exhaustion.
If we stay in this “overactive” or “avoidance” mode for
long periods of time, we may become stuck in the grief process, unable to
totally resolve important issues because we are too busy. Some research shows
that overdoing or overactivity actually increases our anxiety and stress. We
need to avoid taking on more responsibility than we can realistically handle.
Even small challenges can seem more stressful during the loss and grief process.
There are, in addition, many physical symptoms that can
accompany anxiety. “My pulse raced, I couldn’t breathe, sit still, or
concentrate. I went into over-activity, trying to do a hundred things at once. I
got a lot of things done, but my anxiety never left me.”
(The self-help tools listed later in this chapter offer
ideas for dealing with anxiety; however, if anxiety turns into panic attacks,
professional help and medication may be needed.)
BARGAINING (3)
Bargaining is a step in the grieving process that commonly
occurs during adversity. We may make promises to ourselves, others, or God. In
return we seek acceptance, answers to our prayers, improved health, or some
other miracle. This bargaining can go on for days, months or even years.
A man prayed:
I will live a better life and be kinder if you will please
spare my wife’s life.
ANGER
Anger is a common emotion with any loss and can indicate
the beginning of healing and acceptance. Women (and female children) often turn
their anger inward, displaying less physical aggression than men. Men (and male
children) often manifest their anger openly. The consequences of grief,
associated with a significant loss, may resemble rage in males. (16) Society
seems to accept and expects men’s outward display of anger and women’s inward
manifestations of grief through sadness and tears. This contributes to the
reality that some women do not feel they can openly express their anger. Many
women find ways to hold onto their anger. Unfortunately anger repressed,
ignored, shelved or turned inward can lead to depression, confusion, and guilt.
It is common, though not excusable, for men to strike out
at the very people they love most. They are often unsure where or how to
productively direct their anger. It was helpful to me after Cameron died when
Dennis said, “When I act or seem angry, it just means I’m feeling sad and hurt
inside.”
Anger can also hide other deep emotions. It can be an
indication of unmet needs or expectations. Our assumptions of how our life
should have been are often compromised. This secondary loss of a safe,
predictable world complicates our grieving. We may now feel vulnerable and
afraid of additional impending future losses.
Anger can be a sign of healing, so we shouldn’t ignore it.
Even if we feel anger towards relatives, medical staff, friends, or God, it is
helpful to express our sometimes-conflicting emotions. For a time we may even
feel life is meaningless. We might feel specific anger toward God for allowing
our families to suffer. Even Job, whom God loved and accepted as righteous,
expressed anger toward God as he searched for meaning:
“Let the day perish wherein I was born...Why died I not
from the womb?...Why is light given to a man whose hid, and whom God hath hedged
in?” (Job 3:3-13)
“I cry unto thee, and thou dost not hear me: I stand up and
thou regardest me not. Thou art become cruel to me...”
(Job 30:20-21)
Following a crisis, anger directed towards deity, or church
leaders representing God, is common among all religions. It may be more intense
for faithful members who believed that God should have blessed them and
prevented their tragedy. Most LDS members have been taught and believe that God
is good and loves them. If we experience feelings of anger toward God it can
produce intense guilt, complicating the grieving process. It is a frightening
experience to face a serious loss if we feel like we are also losing our faith,
support and comfort from God. (See spiritual tools in chapter 9.)
GUILT
Guilt is another emotion that is common with any traumatic
event or serious loss. For many this is the most exhausting and difficult
emotion to deal with.
“Guilt feelings are often a combination of many different
feelings rather than one simple feeling…it’s a messy mixture of insecurity,
self-doubt, self-condemnation, self-judgment, anxiety, and fear.”(4)
“If I had just noticed that something was wrong earlier and
caught it sooner, I know I could have prevented this whole thing.”
“I did so many things wrong. If I had just done things
differently this wouldn’t have happened.”
As I work with families of the terminally ill, I am
reminded of the intense guilt experienced during the illness and after the
patient dies. The caregivers ask, “Did I do enough, was I kind enough, should I
have kept them at home, or placed them for better care, what if...should I ...?”
Those caring for the disabled express these same guilt-ridden phrases.
I wrote in my journal about my guilt, long after Cameron’s
death:
“I keep remembering how I got angry at him a few months
before his death. What he did was really not his fault. I shamed him and made
him cry. He went to school late with red eyes. Even though I apologized when he
got home from school, it hasn’t erased the guilty event from my memory.”
Children may also experience guilt when dealing with loss:
One child said, “If I hadn’t wished my sister dead, she wouldn’t be dying
today.” Another said, “If I had been a better boy, I wouldn’t have gotten sick.”
Guilt is a painful component of grief for many members of
the church because we often feel we should have been able to control what has
happened through our faith, prayers, or righteous living. “What did I do wrong?
Am I responsible for this event?” The guilt-ridden words, I “should have”, or
“shouldn’t have” may haunt us for a long time. It is an overwhelming burden for
many to carry and endure.
Guilt was a strong emotion for both Dennis and I after
Cam’s death. We felt responsible for his safety and care. I wrote the following
soon after Cameron’s death:
“I was surprised by our doctor’s advice. He informed me
that Cameron’s hips had deteriorated and he would need to have surgery within
six months. Our appointment that day was for his scoliosis (a crooked spine) and
for his back brace adjustments. The doctor had simply ordered the hip x-rays as
a second thought. I could see tears swelling up in Cameron’s big brown eyes . I
tried to reassure him. I told him that during the surgery he would be asleep and
it wouldn’t hurt and that when he woke up he would get medication to keep him
comfortable. I told him all the benefits of the surgery. The doctor had thought
maybe his knee pain was coming from his partial hip dislocation. The surgery
could possibly remove this pain so he could ride his adapted tricycle better.
Cam was very trusting and obedient. He would do whatever we felt was best for
him.
Because I was a concerned mother and pediatric nurse, I
wanted to know all the details and names of all the procedures. I went home and
researched the medical procedures that Cameron’s doctors had recommended. I
sought other professional’s opinions. Dennis and Cameron trusted the doctor’s
and my decision that surgery was best. When it ultimately took his life, guilt
haunted me for a long time.”
Guilt resulting from failed attempts to protect those we
love is portrayed well in the film Robin Hood starring Kevin Costner. Robin had
made what he thought was the best decision to ensure protection of his beloved
and trusted blind friend, Duncan. He sent him away from the fighting and
danger…only to find that he had been ruthlessly murdered anyway! Robin felt
enormous sorrow and guilt! Duncan was so perfect and obedient, Robin didn’t feel
he deserved to die. The guilt he felt for his decision was apparent. Then his
partner, the great Azeem, seeing Robin’s anguish, offered these words of
counsel: “There are no perfect men, just perfect intentions.”
Most of us also have “perfect intentions” concerning the
well-being of our loved ones. Sometimes situations and events beyond our control
go wrong. Even with the best plans and precautions, things go astray and
accidents happen. Every day innocent children and adults become ill, injured or
die in spite of our best efforts to protect them. We felt intensely responsible
for Cameron’s safety because he was a disabled child. He had always trusted and
depended on us to care for and protect him. Our intentions for Cam’s health and
safety were perfect. Unfortunately, our decision ultimately cost him his life!
Guilt weighed heavily on us. We asked ourselves many questions over and over
again: Where had we gone wrong? Had God tried to warn us? Why had we encouraged
the doctor to do all the procedures at once? Was the surgery more than Cameron
could handle? Why hadn’t I, the pediatric nurse, stayed the night with him,
instead of asking Dennis to stay? Could I have noticed something wrong and
somehow prevented his death? It took a long time for both of us to work through
these kinds of guilty feelings and questions. With time we resolved most of our
guilt.
Dennis’s guilt was more intense than mine. He was lying
next to Cam when he died. He had kissed him good night shortly before and was
relieved he was resting so well with less pain. Had Cameron tried to call out to
him? Should he have noticed something was wrong? Had Cameron aspirated or
choked—as one nurse and doctor implied, while his father slept next to him? Why
didn’t he hear something? How could he ever let go of this painful blame and
guilt? He sincerely felt he had let his son down by falling asleep. He cried
uncontrollably for hours after. Neither I, the children, nor the bishop could
comfort him. For the past fourteen years he and Cam had showered, dressed,
brushed teeth, and often shared the same fork. The void and guilt he felt were
beyond measure. He was a professional counselor and had helped others through
their grief, yet initially he felt lost and unable to help himself.
We had both presented grief workshops and experienced loss
and guilt before. We now realized, however, that we had only intellectually
understood guilt. The intense emotional pain we were now experiencing was more
excruciating than all our prior losses combined. We had no idea that loss and
guilt combined, could hurt so deeply and endure for so long.
We also learned through this loss experience that there are
no clear-cut answers that fit for everyone when it comes to dealing with and
eventually relieving guilt.
Cameron’s grandmother also felt guilt and expressed it on
several occasions. She wrote the following to me almost eight years after
Cameron’s death:
"I cry when I realize I was not there for you when Cameron
died; to help you with the pain and sorrow. (She was in the MTC preparing for a
mission. She took one day off to come to his funeral before leaving for
Bolivia.) I also regret I did not pay more attention to Cameron when I would
babysit him. I was like ‘Martha’, concerned with tasks, rather than ‘Mary’ who
paid attention to more important things.” (Luke 10:38-42).
Unresolved guilt is not healthy. Yet we all are guilty of
making mistakes. “To Err is Human.” (5 p. 23). Feelings of regret and guilt need
to be expressed and, in some cases, confessed. Then we can let go and forgive
ourselves. We witnessed firsthand this healing power in the life of a friend of
ours who left her older children to watch her two year old while she went inside
her house to answer the phone. While on the phone, her child ran into the street
and was killed by an oncoming car. This distraught mother couldn’t let go of her
guilt until someone finally listened and acknowledged her by saying, “Yes, maybe
it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t answered your telephone!”
Another way to avoid or confront unnecessary guilt is to
confront it openly and rationally. With this approach we attempt to eliminate
any “shoulds” from ours or others vocabulary. (If someone tries to shame us, for
instance, with too many “shoulds,” we could jokingly respond with, “Don’t SHOULD
on me!”)
FALSE GUILT
Dennis and I have found that in many instances individuals
are experiencing false guilt, which is blaming ourselves for events and
circumstances that we are not actually responsible for. For example, Dennis
believed if he hadn’t fallen asleep next to Cam, he could have prevented his
death; when in reality Cam died quietly in his sleep with the nurse in the room
as well as Dennis.
Guilt may require professional therapy to work through in
some circumstances. The grieving process will be less complicated when
irrational false guilt is eliminated. It often takes someone on the outside to
help us see the reality of our situation and help us view it differently. A
poignant example of this challenge is often observed with parents struggling and
attempting to deal with the suicide of their child. One such parent asked,
“Didn’t I instill in my child the will to live?” This type of false guilt
repeated over time becomes a negative cognitive message that can complicate and
delay recovery. False guilt can often be resolved over time by cognitively
expressing healthy and accurate thoughts about ourselves and then by integrating
and believing these positive thoughts.
The friends and family of suicide victims generally do best
when they come to understand and believe they did all they could, at the time,
to be loving and supportive. Their loved one, feeling the depths of despair and
the absence of hope, ultimately made the choice to end his or her life.
CONTROL ISSUES
Loss is often what causes us to realize that situations and
circumstances in our lives are not always controllable. The realization that we
have little or no control over parts of our lives can make us feel vulnerable
and afraid. To compensate for this fear, we may attempt to over-control others,
especially family members and those we feel concern and responsibility for.
“I know I am driving my husband and children crazy. They
claim I expect perfection from them. I become so frustrated when they don’t do
what I think they should. The need to control is an overpowering force since the
death of my loved one. Some of it may be the vulnerability I feel like an
overprotective instinct that something else bad might happen. I realize I am
actually pushing the people away that I love the most. I feel the same
frustration when someone tries to control me. I don’t like being told what I
should do either.”
Whenever we experience stressful feelings we should ask
ourselves; “Am I trying to control someone or something that is really outside
of my control or is someone trying to control me?
Wendy Ulrich Ph.D., lists a paradox called “Power without
Control.” Some of the ways we give up our power are by waiting for others to
take control, not claiming what we want or need, and by using anger, coercion,
threats, withdrawal, or blame. (17)
LONGING, YEARNING, PINING, AND SEARCHING
For many of us, this stage of grief lasts the longest. We
miss our old life and how things used to be. The rest of our earth life may seem
like a long time to wait before things improve or we see our deceased loved one
again. Even though we have faith in eternal life, the spirit world seems far
away right now. These thoughts and emotions are normal. We may continue to
ponder and ask, “Why me?” We may wish to resolve questions that at first seem to
have no satisfying answers. These feelings are common responses to what has
happened to us. Even though we have great faith and tap into the power of the
gospel, we may still experience many of the painful symptoms associated with the
grief process. We may yearn for the way we thought things could and should be.
We may search for answers, longing for hope and peace to return into our lives
again. We may wonder if we will ever feel any better. We might conclude that we
must be going “crazy” or doing something wrong to still be in so much emotional
pain. These feelings can be very confusing and may last for a long time. The
fear of something else “going wrong” can hang over us. Life just doesn’t feel
right anymore. During this time, anger, anxiety, and depression can become
extremely intense. Everyone thinks we are better, and we hate to admit we’re
not. Dennis and I found it hard to believe that it may take eighteen to
twenty-four months to find relief. (6) Functional recovery with severe losses
may take additional years to achieve. Remember, we will never be precisely the
same again; this loss and experience has become part of who we are now and will
influence our future.
HURT AND CONFUSION
Our friends, relatives, ward members and co-workers may
feel uncomfortable around us now. Because of their awkwardness, they may appear
to ignore us. They may not understand the intensity and duration of our grief or
may feel helpless to console and comfort us. Consequently, individuals often
offer cliches or platitudes in an attempt to console us while addressing their
own ambivalence. These statements can result in hurt and confusion even when
offered by individuals who sincerely want to help. Because others have not had
our experiences, it is difficult for them to understand the depth and duration
of our grief. (See cliche on p. 16, 126, 182, 234)
DISORIENTATION and DISORGANIZATION
Any traumatic event can cause disorientation and
disorganization in our lives. We may not be able to concentrate as we use to. We
may become forgetful and feel like we’re in a fog.
I had a difficult time returning to work at the hospital
after Cameron died. At that time I was working one day a week in a pediatric
unit. I was usually the charge nurse and it seemed more frightening now to care
for very ill babies and children. I felt greater responsibility and
vulnerability after coming to know personally the trauma of having a child die.
I also felt I had lost some of my ability to focus, remember, and perform
certain medical procedures.
WITHDRAWAL, ISOLATION, AND LONELINESS
When we feel no one can understand or respond to our pain,
it is common to withdraw and isolate ourselves from community, church, friends,
and family. However, withdrawal and isolation are unhealthy if they become
permanent reactions to our grief.
We might isolate ourselves to the point of no return. We
may refuse help and stop reaching out to others. We may not share our concerns
and feelings. With time we might find that no one tries to call or come around
any more. This self-imposed isolation may feel safer initially. Yet, with time,
we may become lonely, bitter, unable to function or find healing. Gradually we
lose our ability to feel joy, interact with or accept help from others.
Chronic loneliness occurs when we feel separated and
misunderstood not only by others, but by God. (See Ch. 9)
INTERVENTIONS TO HELP US HEAL EMOTIONALLY
For most, grief work is a work of feelings. If we don’t
acknowledge and honestly express our painful emotions, we deprive ourselves of
the very purging that permits us to eventually abandon them. It is very draining
to keep negative feelings hidden. However, many do. We don’t want anyone to know
if we are angry at God because loss has shaped the way our lives have turned
out. We may not want our bishop, home-or visiting teachers to know that we are
harboring negative or bitter feelings as a result of our challenges. Over time,
if we continue to hide our negative feelings, we will limit our opportunities to
work on them. These suppressed emotions can lead to increased stress,
depression, anxiety and physical ailments. The least adaptive coping skills
become evident when we avoid our grief, either by not thinking about it or
escaping through drugs, alcohol or other addictions. For others, obsessively
thinking about their tragedy can be damaging. To maximize our healing, we must
find a balance between expression and suppression of our deepest feelings and
concerns.
Because our emotions affect our physical and mental health,
we need to find opportunities to express them openly and honestly. Dennis and I
have used some helpful phrases to help the bereaved understand the importance of
feeling and expressing emotions: “Feeling is Healing” (7) and “We must Feel it
to Heal it.” (8)
We must give ourselves permission to acknowledge all our
emotions, regardless of what we are experiencing. Acknowledging emotions is the
surest way to master them. Acknowledging and accepting emotions occurs most when
they are expressed and validated in a safe and supportive environment. This
involves facing the pain and taking the time and effort to process our grief.
Women are generally better at emotionally expressing grief
issues than men. Men usually do better sorting out the intellectual details of
their loss. Both men and women do best when they utilize appropriate cognitive
reasoning, while allowing themselves to express feelings. Those who overly
intellectualize their loss may need help transmitting the knowledge and
cognitive thinking from their head to their heart.
TALKING
Talking with others can heal our emotional and intellectual
symptoms. Attending a support group with those in similar circumstances is often
healing, because our emotions are often validated through openly sharing with
others.
“It was a comfort to know there were people at the support
group who could understand, listen and share. I discovered that what I had been
feeling and experiencing was normal. I became educated to the grief process.
Much of my needed strength came from the support group.”
“Before my loss I had never experienced such grief. I was
overwhelmed with all my emotions. I received valuable tips and suggestions on
how to cope at the support group. Those in the group validated many of my
feelings. It was a safe place where I could share and cry with others who
understood my pain because they had experienced a similar loss.”
An understanding friend or relative can also lend a
listening ear and offer support. Confiding in a spouse or someone who is willing
to just be there can be therapeutic. A good listener is often all we need. The
best gift anyone can give those in pain is to lend an understanding listening
ear. There is also the option of seeking professional therapy. A counselor can
often help us sort through the cognitive and emotional issues we are struggling
with.
Grief work is the hardest work most of us will ever do.
Some of us have never felt this kind of deep grief and pain before. We might be
afraid of the intense emotions we feel. Some may fear they are “going crazy” or
“losing their mind” or losing control. We need a safe place to express our
concerns and intense emotions.
CRYING
Crying is not the only way that we show emotion or grieve;
however, it seems to be beneficial both physically and emotionally. It’s been
reported that “tears shed during grief have more toxins than do regular tears.
Tears actually can be healing.” (9 p. 8) Nearly three centuries ago, Dr. Samuel
Johnson wrote: “Sorrow that hath no vent in tears, maketh the organs of the body
weep.” (10)
JOURNALS AND WRITING
Keeping a journal is another self-help tool that allows
individuals to process their thoughts and feelings. As members of the Church, we
are encouraged to keep personal journals. However, in therapeutic writing, we
may not want to save all of our negative thoughts on paper for our descendants!
In fact, many individuals use therapeutic journals to remove negative thoughts
from their minds by writing the painful words down and then symbolically (or
actually) destroying the pages. Individuals can get painful, destructive
feelings out on paper rather than harboring them inside. Suppression or stuffing
our feelings, on the other hand, can be damaging. We may want to keep a loss
journal, for our eyes only. This allows us to express inner thoughts and
feelings on paper where we can see them, evaluate them and abandon them if
necessary. If we keep track of what we have written, it is often helpful to
review and evaluate where we were in the beginning of our experience in relation
to where we have progressed after weeks or months of writing therapy. We should
be able to see some progress in our healing and a gradual reduction of our
negative feelings.
Studies have shown that those who write about their
traumatic experiences have fewer illnesses, spend less time off work, require
fewer doctor visits and develop a more positive outlook. (11 p. 23) We can heal
when we are allowed to write our deepest thoughts, fears and angers. It is often
easier to be forthright when we know that we don’t necessarily have to share our
written utterances with anyone.
The “four A’s”, often used to resolve anger, can also be
used with writing therapy to help heal painful emotions.
1. Admit what we are feeling. Don’t stuff, repress or bury
it deep inside.
2. Analyze the feeling. Try to determine where the emotion
is coming from: the event, medical professionals, judicial system, family,
church, friends, God, etc.
3. Act on the feeling through talking, crying, writing, or
working to resolve the issues. If we are angry toward someone, we could write a
letter expressing our concerns and issues. We don’t have to mail our letter; we
can burn it or save it for later. Later we may look at the letter or writings
and gain added insight and perspective. We should try to focus on acting, not
reacting. Thinking is too passive.
4. Abandon or accept the emotions we are feeling. This
should help us let go of the anger and disappointment, forgiving ourselves and
others. (12)
LETTING GO OF CONTROL
When we find ourselves frustrated, fearful or angry with
those around us who won’t do what we desire; we can let go of our need to
control. Although we may feel hurt, rejected, and unloved, the more we try to
control others, especially our children and spouses, the more they pull away
from us.
If we will realize we don’t need all the control, our
anxieties often leave. In addition, many of those around us will quit resisting
our influence and direction. The “power struggles” between ourselves and others
will soften as we let go. We are actually more likely to get what we want by
letting go of our need to control others.
We can grow and heal by following the Savior and our Father
in Heaven’s example. They never force us. We are free to choose. Agency was
given to us as part of Heavenly Father’s plan. (Helaman 14:30, Moses 3:17, 2
Nephi 2:27)
We need to remember the principle of agency while dealing
with adults and youth. Some church leaders and parents think they:
“...understand the principle of free agency, and how to enforce it!”
When I find myself frustrated with others’ behaviors that I
can not change or control, I remind myself to “accept, don’t expect.” This can
help me to let go of unrealistic expectations for myself and others. I then can
reduce my frustration level and avoid some of the side effects that result from
attempting to control circumstances and resistant individuals outside my
influence.
If we can be patient with ourselves, love unconditionally,
and “let go” of our need to control, we will eventually feel additional peace
and freedom. I learned this principle as a teenager. Although my application was
somewhat immature and naive, it helped me learn to let go of things outside of
my control. As young girls, my best friend and I would walk in the hills behind
our homes when we were feeling frustrated with life. We would talk and try to
figure out life’s challenges. When we couldn’t find explanations or felt we
couldn’t do anything about a particular situation, we would start trying to
identify something beneficial or put the problem in “God’s hands.” We echoed a
little cliche, “It’s probably for the best.” We have since learned that not all
of life’s challenges outside our control turn out good or for the best, yet this
positive mental affirmation and “letting go” of the need to control brought us
enhanced mental health and increased faith as adults. This concept is expressed
well in one of my father’s favorite poems, by Reinhold Niebuhr:
“God grant me the grace to accept with serenity the things
that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things which should be
changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.” (13)
Accepting and turning those things we cannot change over to
God and “letting go” can bring a great sense of relief. Dennis often says: “It’s
usually not the situation that causes our stress, but how we view it.” Viewing
challenges as an opportunity for learning helps us avoid becoming a helpless
victim of our situation; however, severe challenges may require professional
interventions and years of struggling to reframe, understand and accept.
There also may be times in our lives when we need to use
control techniques to help us respond more appropriately. To maintain greater
control, try to: Think first, act second, and the appropriate feelings should
follow. In crises, most of us respond in the opposite order, allowing our
feelings to override our better judgment.
CHANGING OUR “WHYS”
Many ask, “Why did this happen?” (logically/medically),
and, “why did this happen, God?” (spiritually) For example, when Cameron died, I
wanted to know the medical details of why his heart stopped. I also wanted to
know why God allows innocent children to suffer and die, and why did Dennis and
I have to feel so much grief?We have learned it may be more helpful to change
our “Why” to “What”, “When” and “Where”. We may never fully understand “Why”
something has occurred; however, we can identify when and what has happened,
what to do now, and where we can go for help. This technique allows us to reduce
our feelings of vulnerability as we regain additional control over our world.
Struggling to deal with her mentally delayed child, Pearl
Buck asked, “Why?” And then used her positive attitude to find her own answer:
“Why must this happen to me…to this there could be no
answer and there was none…my own resolve shaped into the determination to make
meaning out of the meaningless and so provide the answer, though it was of my
own making…her life must count.” (14 p. 26)
Some have changed their paradigm by asking, “Why not me,”
instead of, “Why me?”
EXERCISE
Exercise can benefit both our emotional and physical
health. It reduces irritability and depression caused by loss and stress. It
increases the uptake of serotonin and the release of endorphins. These are
chemicals in the brain that contribute to our sense of “well-being”. In
addition, walking or jogging outside with a friend or spouse adds the benefits
of the sun (light therapy) and social interaction (talk therapy).
TOUCH and MUSIC THERAPY
Many have found and utilized the healing power of touch.
Touch can also be utilized as a relaxation technique. Touch seems to help
children emotionally as well as adults. It can reduce stressful feelings while
increasing security and self-esteem. Touch can also help couples stay connected
during difficult times. (See marriage Ch.11)
We can use a combination of massage and music to comfort
the bereaved or the terminally ill. Research has shown that the power of touch
and music can relax us as much as some pain medications or other anti-anxiety
drugs. Touch and massage can become healing tools throughout the process as well
as amid stress and adversity.
STRESS MANAGEMENT
If someone has a serious car accident and is hospitalized
in an intensive care unit (ICU), we don’t expect them to return immediately to
work, school, church and other obligations. But, when someone experiences a
serious loss, we often cannot see their wounds. We expect them to bounce back
and function as usual. It might be helpful if we (and they) consider themselves
as though they are in an emotional intensive care unit for a time. We would
likely be more patient with them and they would likely take better care of
themselves if we acknowledged and encouraged a respite time for emotional
healing.
Some have busy lives and experience fulfillment by
accomplishing many things. Others think that rushing and doing two or more
things at once will help them finish their tasks faster, increase self-esteem
and reduce their stress. However, in most instances these strategies don’t help.
Some research indicates that trying to think of—or do—more than one thing at a
time causes our minds to race and often creates more stress. (15)
Stress management may mean learning to say, “No,” and
conditioning ourselves to stop and think before always saying, “Yes.” This can
be hard for active members who want to please and serve others. It may be
helpful to tell ourselves that it’s okay to let others serve us for a while.
There must be a receiver for others to give. At different times in our lives, we
will experience both roles.
Relaxation and meditation may help us heal emotionally (see
more on p. 97, 101). When we are stressed at work or away from home, we can try
the following quick stress management techniques: Count to ten, take a deep
breath or leave the situation for a time and take a short walk, preferably in
the out-of-doors (light therapy).
LITTLE PLEASURES
It is important, while enduring loss, grief and depression,
to continue doing the things that formerly brought joy, happiness and pleasure.
This may be as simple as ordering a pizza, watching a movie, play or sporting
event.
After Cam’s death, Dennis and I continued to do the things
our family enjoyed doing prior to his death. This was difficult and we felt
guilty at first. However, with time, work, and patience, we slowly began to
allow ourselves to laugh, experience joy, and celebrate life once again.
FINDING MEANING
Trying to find a reason or meaning behind what has happened
to us may be the greatest struggle we will face. It often takes a combination of
grief work, prayer and healthy thought processes to discover our own meaning and
reconciliation. We are fortunate to have the gospel and our faith to help us.
Remember in the beginning, that experiencing spiritual injury is common,
especially as we try to understand why God allowed personal tragedy to take
place on our lives.
