CHAPTER ELEVEN

         The stories in this book point out that suicide is most often not a rational act. It can be a result of mental illness, depression, a brain tumor or intense feelings of emotional pain, anguish and hopelessness. Drug and alcohol abuse was a factor in several cases. The victim was usually not choosing death as much as choosing to end unbearable pain. Sometimes there were no warning signs and even when there were, the family members did not recognize them and were not able to control the outcome. It is difficult to stop a person who is determined to end his or her life. 
        Ironically, suicide afflicts the surviving family members with some of the same feelings and pain that the victim experienced. Survivors experience feelings of helplessness, extreme sadness, guilt, anger and yearning for their loved one. After years of nurturing a family, it is extremely difficult for parents to relinquish their children back to our Heavenly Father. The separation is heartbreaking for the siblings too. The family desperately wants to know that their loved one is all right.

HOW THEY SURVIVED AND FOUND PEACE.
¨ They turned to Heavenly Father, in humility; fasting and prayer.
¨ They searched the scriptures for understanding and comfort. 
¨ They learned more about suicide, depression and other mental illnesses from reading and counseling.
¨ They read books and newsletters dealing with grief, adversity and near-death experiences.
¨ They were comforted and strengthened by friends, support groups, and ecclesiastical leaders. Many received priesthood blessings.
¨ Some received medical and psychiatric assistance.
¨ They reached out to comfort and lift others who were depressed or struggling. They served in church callings and participated in survivor support groups.

The following are excerpts from preceding chapters. 

WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS GAVE THE SURVIVORS THESE COMFORTING SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS:

¨ THE LORD LOVES EACH ONE OF US MORE THAN WE CAN COMPREHEND. 
        "When I failed at the most important task of my life [being a mother] and found myself [still] acceptable before God and loved by my friends, it freed me up to be more authentically who I am." --Margie Holmes
        "God is the judge of each soul and the severity of each soul's trials and He is loving and merciful... I must continue on in faith and know that God loves us all, and truly wants us to come home." --Maxine Zawodniak 
        "While James chose to take his own life, we believe he was received by loving arms on the other side and that our Savior, who feels all our pain, knows and accepts James as the valuable child of God that he is, that his existence still holds validity and purpose." --Arlene Ball
        "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecutions, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? . . . Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:35-39 --Kathy

¨ GOD IS AN ALL-KNOWING FATHER.
        Karen Athay Packer likened her father's suicide to a beautiful ceramic bowl that he had made for her when she was a new bride. After her father's death, the bowl was shattered when they moved. She was heartbroken, but her daughter urged her to keep the pieces, because they were still beautiful. She said, "Yes, I will save all the pieces, even though I can't put them together, even though I can't make all the fragments fit. Only a loving, all-powerful Father in Heaven knows where each tiny sliver fits among the shattered remnants of a human soul."
        "In our Father's healing hands, the pieces can come back together . . . Meanwhile, we can hold fast to our memories, our love, and our faith in a God who knows . . .each person's heart, each person's strengths." ("The Broken Bowl" Ensign, Sept. 1992.) --Karen Athay Packer

¨ JUDGMENT IS THE LORD'S. 
        "Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord's; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course." --Elder Bruce R. McConkie (Mormon Doctrine, SLC Bookcraft, 1966, p 771) 
        Elder M. Russell Ballard said the Lord was the only one who knew our genetic makeup, our state of mind, our emotional and intellectual capacities, the understanding we had of the gospel, and our physical and mental health, and He would take all things 
into consideration when He judged our actions on earth. --Elder M. Russell Ballard (Ensign, "Suicide: Some Things We Know and Some We Do Not." October 1987, pp. 6-9 © 2000 Intellectual Reserve. )
        "The Lord knows our hearts and is a righteous judge. He takes all of our good works into account and Dad's many years of faithful service will be noted. I cannot imagine that a loving and perceptive God will ever regard him as culpable. I have no doubt whatever that if I am able to remain worthy, I will live with him forever . . ." --"Elaine"
        "And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good . . ." Alma 41:3 

¨ WE DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE.
        "I used to think when the Savior said not to judge that it was a nice suggestion, but now I know it is a very deep and serious commandment. We don't have a clue as to what challenges people are dealing with and we don't have the right to judge . . ." --Marilyn Harris
        "I know that we cannot judge those who commit suicide, but must trust in the loving goodness of God to deal with them in a fair and merciful way." --Arlene Ball
        Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, speaking at the funeral of a good friend who took his life, stated:

God has said 'You leave this to me.' We're not wise enough to make judgments in such matters. We don't know enough. We did not walk with Karl in that dark night. As much as we have known him and as much as we have loved him, we have not been able to imagine what Karl must have been thinking. Because we can't and because God can, he has said, 'You leave this to me.' And in such times when we do not know why this would happen, then we cling to what we do know. It is a great rule of life: When we come to things we do not know and do not understand, we hold more firmly to things we do know and do understand. We know that God lives and loves Karl. We know that Christ went into that Garden and to the summit of Calvary, for Karl. We know that life is eternal. We know that the plan of salvation is perfect. We know that redemption, renewal, restoration and resurrection are great principles of the gospel, great images of Christ. And so we don't throw any rocks and we don't fail to forgive. In this case, we probably aren't able even to understand. We simply yield to God in this. (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, personal communication, used by permission)

· SUFFERING IS A NECESSARY PART OF LIFE'S EDUCATION
        "The suffering we endure here serves to turn our hearts to God and to one another, to prepare us to go where Jesus Christ waits with open arms to embrace us and to heal us." --Margie Holmes
        "How could we expect to . . . succor those in need of succoring if we have never suffered the pain, the contradictions, the paradoxes of mortality? The Savior suffered greater contradictions than any man. Through these difficult experiences we learn compassion and understanding. If everything was easy we would never know how to 'lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees.'" (D&C 81:5) --Marilyn Harris.
        "Out of pain often comes a finer spirit. Some better 'self' seems to rise up out of us. As we are touched by that fineness of spirit, we want to do what's right. We want to help others. We want to be tender, and kind and loving." --"Shirley"
        "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education--to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially if we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God. It is through sorrow and suffering, through toil and tribulations that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in Heaven." --Orson F. Whitney ( Spencer W. Kimball Tragedy or Destiny, p.4, Deseret Book, 1977,© 2000 Intellectual Reserve. emphasis added)
        "One of the hardest things I ever went through in my life, taught me to acknowledge the hand of the Lord in all things---even in the trials I was undergoing. At this very trying time, I was given a blessing that told me, 'there is a fullness of the Lord's gifts, both of the Spirit and of the Priesthood, which fullness is reserved unto those who come up through affliction, who love where others would hate, who respond where others would withdraw, who endure where others would give up, who forgive and embrace when others would retaliate, and who in sum, emulate through the most profound trials the forgiving and redeeming power of the Lord Jesus Christ. But thank the Lord Jesus Christ, and the power that He generated in Gethsemane, those powers of the world, the flesh, and the devil, are to be overcome.' So, why do we have to suffer? Because we have to learn for ourselves, the fullness of his (Christ's) gift." --Gracia N. Jones. (Personal letter used by permission)

¨ THE STRESSES A SUICIDE PLACES ON MARRIAGE AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE SURMOUNTED.
        "One of the most difficult aspects of Brian's death for me was the wedge it drove between me and my husband. Our wounds were so deep and our vulnerability so great that we were unable to be sources of strength for one another. Our paths of grieving and healing were separate . . . I had to learn to forgive him and myself for immaturity, lack of wisdom and all of the other weaknesses that are overcome only through experience . . . All of us sin and fall short of the glory of God. . . We are all in need of God's grace, His love and His mercy." --Margie Holmes.
        "I tend to be reclusive, especially if I'm hurt, so I retreated into a shell. This was very hard on my husband, but he tried to be understanding and supportive. It frightened him and the other children when they came home to find me still in my nightgown, hair uncombed, sitting in the television room watching "Geraldo," eating junk food, and sobbing that I had nothing left to live for . . . In February, my husband and I attended the temple . . . Finally, I was able to rise above my own grief and try to support and empathize with my family and friends." --Arlene Ball

¨ IN ORDER TO HEAL WE MUST FACE OUR HUMAN LIMITATIONS AND FORGIVE THE SUICIDE VICTIM AND OURSELVES. 
        "I must face these mistakes with brutal honesty in order to heal. I know that there is a fine line between honesty and eternal self?punishment and I am trying to forgive myself. I wanted to be a good mother. I wanted the best for my son. His choice was not my choice." --Arlene Ball 

· WE NEED TO REACH OUT TO COMFORT OTHERS
        "We, as God's children need to open our hearts to those who feel they don't fit in. Gary longed for acceptance by the neighbors and other ward members, but he never felt it. As with so many, the nicest things said about him were said after he died." --"The Bishop"
        "We as a family ask all families to show each other a little more love today, in honor of our precious son, and cling to life as a gift from God." --Arlene Ball 

¨ REMEMBERING THE GOOD ABOUT OUR LOVED ONE HELPS IN THE HEALING PROCESS.
        "We should not use the word 'waste' when we speak of Cory's life . . .Who are we to judge the quality of a life by the length of it? Cory's life has been full of excellence, beauty, accomplishment, laughter, joy and goodness. He fulfilled a fine mission." --"Shirley"
        "I was prompted by the Spirit to compile a book on Danny's life for each of us. Working on this Danny Book was a healing therapy in my life. Page after page captured Danny the baby and his innocence, Danny the boy and his flowers, Danny the youth and his searching, and finally Danny the man and the masks. The book was a sad project, but it helped me to look at the whole of Danny's life. Slowly the tragic end ceased to swallow up everything else. Now the book is a treasure for us all." --Jane Ann Bradford Olsen
        "I pray that we may have nothing but gratitude in our hearts for the privilege of having known him, for the many things that have been said to dispel the sadness and to give you courage, hope and inspiration to carry on … for the privilege of having been inspired by him, for every life he touched was blessed and benefited by his touch, and there were thousands." --President Hugh B. Brown, (funeral service of "Dr. A" Used by permission.)
        "He (Nathan) wanted everyone who came to the funeral to take home an orange in remembrance of him. He hoped they would think of the sweetness of their friendship with him. Nathan was such a giving person, always willing to help others. His life had meaning and we hoped the orange would remind them of all the good things Nathan did in his short life." --Laura Toomey
        "We clung together and reminisced and chuckled over some of the wonderful things we had heard about Dad at the funeral. We found that our prayers were answered by loving friends and family who came and shared our sorrow. Their expressions of love for Dad and their sharing of incidents from his life will always be remembered with gratitude." --"Elaine"
        "Remember me for the years we had together: my smiles, my favorite food, my favorite hobby, and all the fun times we had. Things will work out. I'll be okay. You can make it. Just try. One day at a time. And if that is too hard try one hour at a time." -Guerry

¨ MANY RECEIVED ASSURANCE OF THE WELL-BEING OF THEIR CHILD OR FAMILY MEMBER. 
        "We have the comfort of knowing that our Savior loves us and He loves Nathan. We feel an inner peace now that he is there. We know that our Savior has felt the sorrow we now are feeling. We know that through our Savior's sacrifice in the Atonement, we may repent, and strive to live the best we possibly can. Most importantly, we know that our family is sealed together forever, and nothing can break that chain." --Laura Toomey 
        "[Heavenly Father] judges us more wisely than we judge ourselves . . . His Father in Heaven loves Matt and I believe welcomed him home. I have pleaded and prayed for answers and this is the answer and peace I continue to receive." --Jean Hall.
        "Dan was God's child and I cannot believe God or Jesus would want him to fail. I believe that Dan will be given opportunities now to work and advance. He believed in God and Jesus Christ." --Maxine Zawodniak
        "I believe it is within the realm of each family who goes through this experience to receive their own personal witness of the well-being of their loved one." --Jane Ann Bradford Olsen
        "I know that I will see my father again someday. Until that time, I feel he is in a wonderful place being counseled and nurtured by those who can care for him and teach him, helping him to conquer obstacles he could not overcome here. What a wonderful day I look forward to at the resurrection, when I can have the chance to be with him and know him for the person he truly is." 
--Karen Athay Packer ("The Broken Bowl" Ensign, Sept. 1992)

¨ BLESSINGS AND GROWTH HAVE COME FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.
        "This experience and trial have brought our family closer together. Our children show a deeper love and respect to their parents and each other. We express that love and appreciation for one another more consistently. We are grateful to our Father in Heaven for each new day. We thank Him for the little miracles in our lives that confirm Nathan is OK . . . I find comfort in talking with those who are faced with depression . . . A simple hug or smile can make a big difference in someone else's life." --Laura Toomey 
        "I have learned to be understanding and that we need to be infinitely more sensitive to other people . . . There are people I have been able to help because I have an understanding of suicide. Another thing I have learned is the place of pain and suffering in the eternal scheme . . .that it is necessary for us to be tried . . . and God will feel after you . . . and wrench your very heart strings. . . that through these difficult experiences we learn compassion and understanding. I have had a great soul-stretching experience in life learning not to cast any stones and how to love in a divine way." 
--Marilyn Harris
        "I humbly testify that challenges and afflictions in my life have brought me closer to Jesus Christ. For this reason, I consider them to be a blessing. I also know that the Savior strengthened me for those challenges that were meant to be an instrument for my growth. I have been guided through my trials and tests and have received a greater vision and deeper appreciation for the suffering and sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ and a greater desire to be more sensitive and aware of the suffering of others." --Jane Ann Bradford Olsen
        Elder Neal A. Maxwell offers these insights on the purposes of adversity:

        "Human suffering does not automatically produce sweetness and character unless meekness is present. Meekness is the mulch that must go in the soil of adversity in order for empathy to grow and in order for character to grow. Jesus could not have become the most empathetic person had he not been the most meek person." 
        "The thermostat on the furnace of affliction will not have been set too high for us-though clearly we may think so at the time. Our God is a refining God who has been tempering soul-steel for a very long time. He knows when the right edge has been put upon our excellence but also when there is more in us than we have yet given." 
        "Righteous sorrow and suffering carve cavities in the soul that will later become reservoirs of joy." (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, The Neal Maxwell Quote Book, Bookcraft Pub. pp.208, 7, 335, © 2000 Intellectual Reserve.)

¨ HEALING POWER COMES THROUGH UNDERSTANDING CHRIST'S ATONEMENT.
        "I remember standing at the foot of his casket when the realization came to me that he was just 33 years old, the same age the Savior was when he died and I had a great feeling of empathy for our Father in Heaven who had watched His Son die on the cross." --"The Bishop"
        "Part of the healing process is knowing we have the opportunity to cast our burdens on the Savior. He said He would carry our burdens. I wasn't a perfect father because of the limitations of mortality, but the closer we are to the Lord, the less those mistakes become disasters. The Lord helps us to understand and overcome the harmful effects." --Dr. "C"
        "You will not be able to believe me now. But when your depression lifts, you will have a greater compassion for the Savior and His atoning sacrifice in Gethsemane where he descended below all human suffering. He knows and understands your suffering!" --"Shirley" 
        "I came to understand that Christ's atonement applies to me, to my son, to my husband--not just to others. I did everything I knew how, and it wasn't enough. That's why we have our Savior. . . I can love others because I am so grateful for the love that has been extended to me and I want to return it. I can hold the hands of my fellow-sufferers." --Margie Holmes 
        "We will have our [son and] brother! And how is it possible? It is possible because of the suffering of Jesus Christ; because He entered the Garden of Gethsemane, because He went lower than we can comprehend, because in His agony in His lying on the ground in the blood which came from every pore, there was a place of suffering for us in our family. I don't understand, but I have faith, and the Spirit comforts me. I thank my Savior this day for His love and His mercy." --Ronny Olsen
        President Boyd K. Packer in his 1995 October Conference address entitled "The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness" spoke these hopeful and comforting words on the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ: 

        The gospel teaches us that relief from torment and guilt can be earned through repentance. Save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fullness, there is no habit, no addition, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. . . To earn forgiveness, one must make restitution. That means you give back what you have taken or ease the pain of those you have injured. But sometimes you cannot give back what you have taken because you don't have it to give back. . . Your repentance cannot be accepted unless there is restitution . . . Restoring that which you cannot restore, healing the wound you cannot heal, fixing that which you broke and you cannot fix is the very purpose of the atonement of Christ.
        When your desire is firm and you are willing to pay the "uttermost farthing", the law of restitution is suspended. Your obligation is transferred to the Lord. He will settle your accounts.
        I repeat, save for the exception of the very few who defect to perdition, there is no habit no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ.
        How all can be repaired, we do not know. It may not all be accomplished in this life. We know from visions and visitations that the servants of the Lord continue the work of redemption beyond the veil. (see Doctrine & Covenants 138 )

        President Packer quoted President Joseph F. Smith who commented on the mission of the Savior:

        "Jesus had not finished his work when his body was slain, neither did he finish it after his resurrection from the dead; although he had accomplished the purpose for which he then came to the earth, he had not fulfilled all his work. And when will he? Not until he has redeemed and saved every son and daughter of our father Adam that have been or ever will be born upon this earth to the end of time, except the sons of perdition. That is his mission." (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine 5th ed., 1939. p. 442)
        "There is never a time," the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "when the spirit is too old to approach God. All are within the reach of pardoning mercy, who have not committed the unpardonable sin." (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 191.) (Ensign, November 1995, pages 18-21© 1995 by Intellectual Reserve Incorporated.) 

        "I beheld that the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel of repentance and redemption, through the sacrifice of the Only Begotten Son of God, among those who are in darkness and under the bondage of sin in the great world of the spirits of the dead. The dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances of the house of God. And after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, they shall receive a reward according to their works for they are heirs of salvation." (Doctrine & Covenants 138:57-59) 
        In Revelation, John describes the glorious reunion of the Savior with His Saints. It is your invitation to press forward with faith in Christ and rely on His mercy and merits to heal you from the tragic experiences of mortality. With the Prince of Peace by your side you may overcome the searing effects of suicide and obtain hope and joy in His promise of redemption. Surely, this promise is given to both men and women, sons and daughters of Jesus Christ.

        And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
        And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 
        And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold I make all things new. 
        And he said unto me, write: for these words are true and faithful. And he said unto me, It is done. 
        I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. 
        He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God and he shall be my son. (Rev. 21:4-7) 

A SOLITARY WAY

There is a mystery in human hearts,
And though we be encircled by a host
Of those who love us well, and are beloved,
To every one of us, from time to time,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness.
Our dearest friend is "stranger" to our joy
And cannot realize our bitterness:
"There is not one who really understands,
Not one to enter into all I feel;"
Such is the cry of each or us in turn,
We wander in a solitary way.
No matter what or where our lot may be;
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.

And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love.
In every heart He wishes to be first.
He therefore keeps the secret key to Himself,
To open all its chambers, and to bless
With perfect sympathy and holy peace
Each solitary soul, which comes to Him.
So when we feel this loneliness, it is
The voice of Jesus saying, "Come unto me."
And every time we are not understood,
It is a call to us to come again.
For Christ alone can satisfy the soul,
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have a solitary way.
And when beneath some heavy cross you faint,
And say, "I cannot bear this load alone,"
You say the truth; Christ made it purposely
So heavy that you must return to Him. 

The bitter grief, which "no one understands,"
Conveys a secret message from the King,
Entreating you to come to Him again.
The Man of Sorrows understands it well
In all points tempted He can feel with you
You cannot come too often, or too near,
The Son of God is infinite in grace.
His presence satisfies the longing soul,
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have a solitary way.

-Author unknown