CHAPTER THREE

         Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, and often violent. The grief it causes is intense and prolonged. Survivors of suicide are left a painful legacy, not one they chose, but one that was forced upon them by their loved one. In many ways, suicide is one of the most difficult deaths to mourn. As you mourn the death of your friend or loved one, you probably feel a sense of betrayal. You have invested years of caring, love and patience with the deceased. Suddenly you are abandoned and rejected. You may think, "How could she do this to me?" "Couldn't he think about the children? Weren't we enough for him?" Ironically, the survivors experience many of the same feelings their loved ones experienced before taking their lives. This part of the book is about those feelings survivors often encounter. 
        None of us can escape the problems and strife of mortality. The very word mortality reminds us that this life is temporary and that there is an eternal perspective that we do not yet understand. Nevertheless, we do understand those feelings survivors typically have when a loved one dies. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is known for her research and strategies of care for the dying. In her book On Death and Dying (Collier Books, 1997) she determined that family members, who have lost a loved one, go through several stages of grief. This grieving process is particularly noticeable for those dealing with the suicide of a loved one. We have adapted Dr. Kubler-Ross' stages of grief here discussing them as the "phases of healing." The emotions and behavior expected of someone healing from the suicide of a loved one are: 

¨ Denial and shock
¨ Anger and blame
¨ Guilt and bargaining
¨ Depression and loneliness 
¨ Acceptance and hope in Christ 

        These five phases are important to emotional, mental, and spiritual recovery of the survivors. Each person's grief is individual and therefore the process may differ in sequence and duration, but all will experience these phases. The grieving and healing process can last months or years. Children who experience the loss of someone they love will also go through a healing cycle similar to adults. The grieving process is a normal and natural process of dealing with the death of a loved one, but it is still very painful. 
        The phases of healing may overlap or proceed in a jagged pattern of forward progress, then retreat to an earlier phase, then forward again. No two people will react alike, and the same person will not react in the same way to every loss. However, each phase is typically experienced to a peak of intensity before it can be resolved. 
        Normal grief is healthy and under favorable environmental conditions, will lead not only to recovery, but also to growth and positive change. As a survivor, your wounds can heal. You can recover, but not through the passage of time alone. The old adage "Time heals all" is not true for all suicide survivors. Some survivors refuse to work through the healing process for many years, but the pain must be faced for healing to occur. In some cases, the additional support of professional counseling and medication will help survivors to find joy in life again.