| "And
Ye
Shall
Find
Rest
Unto
Your
Souls" |
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In recent years, formal grieving
processes have been identified (Kubler-Ross, 1989; Kreis, et
al., 1969; Hendin, 1973) (see Table 1). We have observed that
individuals absorbed in the grieving process often dwell upon
past events associated with the loss
and upon the intense personal pain resulting from those
events (Madsen, 1978). While lessons of great value can be
individually learned in the process of grieving, unnecessarily
prolonged grieving is frequently debilitating
and crippling. The excessive concentration of attention
upon painful events of the past drains time
and energy by first agonizing over the loss
and then engaging in escapist behavior in an effort to
find relief. Inasmuch as preoccupation with one's own
needs is frequently accompanied by a decrease of sensitivity to
the needs of others, grieving can be a very selfish activity. |
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Table 1:
Stages of the Grieving Process |
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1. Shock/Denial
2. Guilt
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Depression
6. Resolution [p.82]
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In contemplating the various
stages identified in the grieving process, I have been struck by
three observations. The first is the great similarity of the
grieving process to what is experienced by both the "offender"
and the "offended" in consequence of offensive behavior.
While some loss occurs as a result of events
and circumstances for which no person is responsible (as
in the sudden loss of health or life), serious loss can also
result from our own misbehaviors or from the misbehaviors of
others. It is suggested that indeed both the "offender"
and the "offended" do suffer loss
and do grieve,
and that much of the emotional turmoil we observe in
these two groups may be usefully viewed from the perspective of
grief resolutions (see Table 2). |
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Perpetrator
and victim alike appear to pass through parallel grieving
processes as they strive to resolve feelings generated by past
offenses. This should not be surprising when we realize that not
only the "offended" but also the "offender" suffer significant
personal loss as a result of the offense. The offender may
suffer many losses including a loss of the Spirit of the Holy
Ghost, a loss of Divine approval,
and a loss of self-respect. Many transgressions result in
the loss of physical health, family, priesthood, temple
blessings, personal freedom, financial security,
and gainful employment. Such losses are not trivial.
Nonetheless, in my experience, transgressors, perpetrators, or
offenders are generally not viewed as grievers, particularly
when they are immersed in the stages of denial or anger
and continue to exhibit irresponsible behavior patterns. |
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Second, we may be too limited in
the range of clinical needs which we associate with grieving
behaviors. While the resolution of grief is central to the
treatment of sexual abuse,
and the loss of a loved one through death or divorce,
etc., it is less common to address other clinical arenas such as
husband/wife or parent/child challenges from this context.
Family members in conflict are often caught up in vicious cycles
of hurt-counterhurt behavior patterns in which the primary
motivation appears to be the mutual infliction of pain. When
this occurs, estranged family members struggle with the loss of
approval
and acceptance from the very people whose approval
and acceptance are most highly valued.
[p.83] |
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Table 2:
Stages of Grieving
and Resolving Grief |
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1. Shock/Denial
2. Guilt
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Depression |
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Natural Loss Loss
Due to Transgression Loss Due to Victimization |
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8. Acknowledge the truth 8.
Acknowledge the truth 8. Acknowledge the truth |
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Exercise
Faith in Jesus Christ By: |
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9a. Repenting (if needed) 9.
Repenting (confess, 9. Forgiving the
make restitution, offender
forsake sin.)
9b. Forgiving (if needed)
10. Submitting the balance 10. Submitting the burden 10.
Submitting the burden
of the burden
unto the of sin
unto the Savior
and of judgment
Savior
and letting go letting go unto
the Savior
and
letting go
11. Pressing forward in living 11. Pressing forward in
living 11. Pressing forward in living
today rather than in past, today rather than in
past, today rather than in past
enduring temporary enduring temporary enduring temporary
immutable loss with immutable loss with immutable loss
with
dignity dignity dignity
12. Enjoy promised peace, 12. Enjoy promised peace, 12.
Enjoy promised peace,
rest, Divine approval,
and rest,
Divine approval,
and rest,
Divine approval,
and
enhanced self-esteem enhanced self-esteem enhanced
self-esteem |
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Might it be that much of the
denial, anger
and depression exhibited by families in conflict occurs
due to the failure of the family members to deal constructively
with this perceived loss of
[p.84] love, acceptance,
and approval? Because interpersonal skills typically
suffer when one is in the throes of concentrated grieving,
families containing multiple grievers are particularly ill
equipped to cope with their own grief, the grief of other family
members, while simultaneously attempting to resolve their
differences. As previously mentioned, grieving is often a
self-indulgent activity. Often each of the parties feels
victimized
and abused,
and is therefore more inclined to seek vengeance than to
render relief. Each wishes their personal pain to be
acknowledged,
and wishes to be further supported
and pampered while in state of discomfort. |
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Third, whereas the Lord has
identified explicit proactive interventions for the offender
(viz., the first principles
and ordinances of the gospel),
and for the offended, abused,
and victimized (viz., forgiveness), students of the
grieving process have had little to say about resolving the
grief, beyond efforts to support clients in working through each
successive stage of the process. Nonetheless, the Lord appears
to be very serious about the responsibility of the aggrieved to
apply these principles in dealing with unresolved past events.
He commands the offender to repent
and the offended to forgive. Failure to either repent or
forgive results in condemnation
and the loss of access to the blessings of the atonement
(Doctrine
and Covenants 19:16–18; Matthew 6:14–15). Because in
grieving we tend towards selfishness, the means of resolution
forwarded by the Lord requires that we move beyond our
preoccupation with our own pain by unselfishly addressing the
pain of others whether we be the offender or the offended. Until
the offender acknowledges the pain of those he has offended, he
is generally not inclined to confess
and forsake. Similarly, the "offended" is not inclined to
fully forgive until he is able to recognize the heavy
and painful burdens of the offender (Madsen, 1978). When
interpersonal conflict is involved, frequently it is necessary
for each party to both repent
and forgive: for each has both rendered
and suffered offense. I believe we shortchange our
clients to the extent we fail to teach them to resolve their
grief by the application of these principles. |
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That the gospel of Jesus Christ
provides powerful remedies for those wishing to resolve grief is
an assertion which the remainder of this paper will address
and explore. Whereas the stages of the
[p.85]
grieving process describe the
griever's course through the intense emotions of shock, guilt,
anger,
and depression, the process of forgiveness as well as the
first principles
and ordinances of the gospel center on the resolution of
such emotional disturbance. |
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Stage 8:
Acknowledgment of the Truth |
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For both the repentance
and forgiveness processes, it is necessary to acknowledge
the reality of the loss, the source of the loss
and to recognize the means by which the grief associated
with the loss may be resolved. Until we acknowledge these three
things, we are unable to
find lasting relief from our grief. The Savior taught
"the truth
shall make you free" (John 8:32). Once we know the truth
regarding the source of grief
and the means by which it may be resolved, we are free to
resolve or not resolve the grief as we will. Until we obtain
this freedom, we can only languish in the emotions of shock,
denial, guilt, anger
and depression, or see relief through destructive
escapist activities.
And as previously noted, a significant part of an
acknowledgment of the truth is the clear recognition of the pain
being suffered by the other party. As an "offender" I do not
become truly motivated until I recognize the horrible prices
paid by others in consequence of my misdeed. |
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But I was racked with eternal
torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree
and racked with all my sins. Yea, I did remember all my
sins
and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains
of hell; yea I saw that I had rebelled against my God,
and that I had not kept his holy commandments. Yea,
and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led
them away
unto destruction; yea,
and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the
very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my
soul with inexpressible horror. Oh, thought I, that I could be
banished
and become extinct both soul
and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the
presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds. (Alma 36:12–15) |
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Likewise, as the "offended," I
do not become truly motivated to forgive until I recognize the
horrible burdens the offender is carrying in consequence of his
misdeed. |
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Therefore, I command you to
repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth,
and by my wrath,
and by my anger,
and
your [p.86]
sufferings be sore—how sore you know
not, how exquisite you know not, yea how hard to bear you know
not. For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all,
that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they
would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering
caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because
of pain,
and to bleed at every pore,
and to suffer both body
and spirit—and
would that I might not drink the bitter cup,
and shrink…(Doctrine
and Covenants 19:15–18) |
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It is difficult not to be moved
with compassion for the "other party" when we allow ourselves to
acknowledge pain they either are enduring or will ultimately be
called upon to endure, if they fail to repent. |
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Stage 9: Adopt
Intervention Strategies Taught by Jesus Christ |
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In the Church, we refer to the
determination to implement intervention strategies taught by the
Savior as exercising faith in Jesus Christ. Whether our
differences are real or imagined,
and whether or not we are the offended or the offender,
we are commanded to do all in our power to resolve the
differences if we are to obtain the Lord's approval
and forgiveness. |
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Therefore if
ye
shall come
unto me, or
shall desire to come
unto me,
and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against
thee—go thy way
unto thy brother,
and first be reconciled to thy brother,
and then come
unto me with full purpose of heart,
and I will receive you. (3 Nephi 12:23–24) |
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The means of reconciliation,
again, is for both parties to do whatever repenting
and forgiving is needed. While repentance
and forgiveness require responsible, mutual participation
of grieving persons, each individual either chooses to do or not
to do these things. When we choose to repent
and/or forgive, we take charge of our lives, we become
empowered,
and we grow in self-esteem. In so doing, we regain
resources essential to proceeding with our lives. |
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The means by which grief
resulting from our own transgression may be relieved is
repentance. As we begin to assume responsibility for our own
behavioral errors via the activities of confession,
[p.87]
making recompense,
and forsaking the transgression, etc., we begin to
qualify as potential beneficiaries of the atonement. While it is
often not as apparent to most of us, we are responsible for the
decision to leave unresolved any offenses suffered at the hands
of others. In a revelation to Joseph Smith, the Lord observed:
"My disciples in days of old, sought occasion against one
another
and forgave one another not in their hearts;
and for this evil they were afflicted
and sorely chastened" (Doctrine
and Covenants 64:8). |
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They were "afflicted" not by the
offense, but by their own determination to
find fault rather than to forgive! Because they chose not
to forgive, they were "afflicted
and sorely chastened." Apparently, the Lord finds it
hypocritical for us to
find fault
and to condemn others for their errors at the same time
we are approaching Him for forgiveness. The prospect of
spiritual/emotional healing is diminished when we constantly
pick the scab off of mending wounds. When we truly forgive, we
let go of the constant regurgitation of painful memories by
choosing not to indulge in the unproductive mental rehearsal of
past events. (Doctrine
and Covenants 58:42) |
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The first principles
and ordinances of the gospel
and the principles of forgiveness are frequently useful
in resolving grief associated with loss which on the surface
appears to be unrelated to transgression. It is not uncommon,
for example, that in grieving over the loss of a loved one, that
the grief exists in part due to a failure to resolve differences
experienced with the loved one prior to death. When this is
true, the grieving process cannot be fully completed until we do
the repenting
and forgiving that is needed. While we cannot personally
approach
and be reconciled with a decreased brother (3 Nephi
12:25), we can forgive
and we can repent.
[p.88] |
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Stage 10:
Submit the Balance of the Burden
Unto the Savior |
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In the course of resolving
grief, once we have completed needed repenting
and forgiving, grieving will continue until we place the
burden in the hands of the Lord (2 Nephi 25:23). A choice not to
entrust a burden into the hands of the Lord when it is not in
our power to meet a need, is a decision to continue carrying
what is, for us, an unresolvable burden. When we implement the
first principles
and ordinances of the gospel, the atoning sacrifice of
the Savior lifts the burden from our backs. (Doctrine
and Covenants 19:16) |
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Similarly, in forgiving, we
place the task of judgment into the hands of the Lord thereby
letting go of the judging behavior which produces feelings of
anger
and bitterness. "And
ye ought to say in
your hearts—let God judge between me
and thee,
and reward thee according to thy deeds" (Doctrine
and Covenants 64:11). When grieving a loss for which
no person can be fairly held responsible, there is still a need
to place the issue in the hands of the Lord even though
repentance
and forgiveness are not called for. I recently met with a
man whose son had died in an automobile accident just days
before he was scheduled to leave on his mission. The father was
a very assertive, task-oriented person who normally resolved
crises by meeting them "head on." Here he was confronted by an
outcome which he was powerless to change no matter how intense
his desire. He could not reverse the reality of his son's death.
And while there was no repenting or forgiving to be done,
the father had been unsuccessful for many months at resolving
his grief. As we talked, it became apparent that the father had
been unable to acknowledge his own limitations
and dependence upon the Lord. Rather, he had continued to
search for something he could do to reverse the loss. He
had not chosen to submit to the will of his Father in Heaven.
[p.89] |
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Stage 11: Let
Go of the Past
and Live in the Present |
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When we choose to subject our
own will to the will of our Heavenly Father
and endure that which he chooses to inflict upon us (Mosiah
3:19), we become free to re-center our attention
and energy upon needs of the present
and we begin to live again. While we can choose to
stubbornly cling to our own willful desires, we do so at the
price of continued grief. Unnecessarily prolonged grieving over
past losses, like an undue anxiety over the prospect of future
losses, drains resources required for living successfully in the
present. The Savior observed, "Sufficient is the day
unto the evil thereof" (3 Nephi 13:34). |
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Stage 12:
Enjoy the Fruits of Exercising Faith in Jesus Christ |
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I suggest that while we may
find coping mechanisms which provide temporary relief
from the pain of loss, the only way to obtain complete
resolution, healing
and wholeness, is to be coming
unto Christ. To seek escape
and relief from other sources is to place our faith in
false gods which are not capable of giving true
rest. "Jesus saith
unto him, I am the way, the truth,
and the life; no man cometh
unto the Father, but by me" (John 14:6). When we come
unto Christ
and thereby
unto the Father, we do not merely seek to "avoid" pain
but "obtain" Eternal life (2 Nephi 2:27)
and thereby
find lasting relief or
rest. |
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Come
unto me, all
ye that labour
and are heavy laden,
and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you
and learn of me; for I am meek
and lowly in heart:
and
ye
shall
find
rest
unto
your
souls. For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28–30, italics added). |
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L. Alan Westover is a
practitioner with the Oregon Salem Agency of the LDS Social
Services. [p.90] |
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Hendin, David (1973). Death
as a fact of life. New York: W. W. Norton
and Co., Inc. |
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Kreis, Bernadine
and Alice Pattie (1969). Up from grief—Patterns of
recovery. New York: Seabury Press. |
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Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On
death
and dying. London: Macmillan Co. |
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Madsen, Truman G. (1978). "On
forgiveness." Unpublished address. Annual LDS Social Services
Seminar. Logan, Utah. |
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The Book of Mormon
(1981). Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, 1981. |
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The Holy Bible (1979).
King James Version. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints. |
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The Doctrine
and Covenants of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints (1981). Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. [p.91]
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Source: AMCAP Journal, Vol.15,
No. 2 (1990 Issue), pp.81-90 |
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