Sister Hamilton represented the state of Utah at IMPACT America Conference April 2000 in Kentucky. This was the first time all the major organizations who fight pornography met.  She has been a speaker in many conferences including EFY and BYU Education Week. She is serving as the American Mother's President for the state of Utah during the 2002 calendar year. 

Introduction

        Latter-day prophets have warned of the dangers of pornography. It is important for parents to recognize the scope of this problem and how we can defend our homes and families from this growing concern. JoAnn Hibbert Hamilton, a CES Continuing Education instructor, helps us understand the problem and some solutions in her presentation "Protecting Your Family From Pornography."

        Hello, there. My name is JoAnn Hibbert Hamilton and I am really glad to be here. I appreciate the fact that you are here and want to gain an awareness of how pornography is affecting all of our families in today's world. I'm going to give you a lot of information in a short amount of time and you might want to have a pencil and a paper handy in order to write some of these ideas down. You want to protect your family and I am so glad about that. As President Gordon B. Hinckley warns us about the problems we are having with pornography in today's world, so many people think that someone else must be having a problem in this area. They think they don't but reality is that we all need to be concerned and more knowledgeable. There is a lot we can do to prevent exposure and a lot we need to know about intervention. That's why a Prophet of God keeps talking to us about it. 

        President Gordon B. Hinckley stated in the New Era in July of 1999, "Pornography is a growing, vile, and evil thing. It is on our motion picture screens. It comes into the homes of the people on television receivers, it is on the newsstands, it reaches out in other ways to entrap and beguile and destroy those who are enticed to partake of it." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Words of the Prophet: Blessed Are the Pure in Heart,” New Era, July 1999, 4) And I want to add that one of the ways it entraps is to destroy our sensitivity to the Spirit. 

        Before I go on, I want to take just a minute to let you know that I know that God lives. I know that He hears and answers prayers. I know that he will help us and guide us in our lives. I know that Jesus is the Christ and that He is our Redeemer. I know that he has given us the Comforter to "teach us all things." What a promise that is! Bad or uncomfortable feelings can be given to us to warn us that something is not right. And we need to understand the importance of this and teach it to our children. We need to teach them that they cannot afford to lose that sensitivity.

        I am aware of a young girl who did not understand this. She came to my home and shared what had happened to her. She said that a young man came to her home and as he entered, she had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. He asked her to go out to do something fun with him. She hesitated because she really didn't know him, but the place he wanted to take her was a fun place, and she went. She had a really wonderful time. The next week he returned. And she said, "Sister Hamilton, as he entered my home, I had that same uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach," He asked her out again. She had fun the week before, and this sounded fun, too, and so she went. I don't remember if it was the third or fourth time that he took her out that he assaulted her. God had tried to warn her but she did not understand this principle.

        Some people feel a knot in the pit of their stomach. Some of my seminary students have told me the feeling is further up or in their chest or across their back. And it doesn't matter where it is. This feeling is not a biological function. It is the Holy Ghost with a warning. And we need to learn to identify this feeling. Other feelings that might guide us are the feeling of peace as mentioned in Doctrine and Covenants section 6, verses 23 and 24, the feeling of joy as mentioned in Doctrine and Covenants section 11, verses 13 and 14.

        We need to listen to God-given feelings and teach this principle to our children. If they get involved with pornography they will lose that sensitivity to feelings and this special guidance, which comes from God. 

        I believe that God at times orchestrates in our lives. I found myself invited to a meeting that involved about 11 people. As I looked around at the meeting at the people who were there, I wondered why I was invited. It was a statewide committee that worked against pornography. I didn't know very much about this subject at the time. Obviously, I just listened. And at the end of the meeting someone mentioned that they would like a person to go to a convention in the Cincinnati area. Nobody could go. I had already planned to visit my son in Columbus, Ohio in April. The convention was in April in the Cincinnati area, just two hours away from Columbus. I was going to be in the area anyway, so I said, "I'll go." I know now that God wanted me to be there.

        When I went to the conference which was held in Ft Mitchell, Kentucky, in April of 2000, I found that this was the first time ever that all of the organizations that fight pornography from all over the United States had gotten together. And they had wanted representatives from every state. They actually had 22 states represented. And I found that I, along with a student from Utah State University, was representing Utah. 

        I came home with a file box full of materials and a lot of answers as far as the pornography problem is concerned. But I came home scared about what was happening. 

        In the June 1971 Ensign, President Marion G. Romney said, "I am persuaded that if we are to 'conquer Satan and . . . escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work', we must understand and recognize the situation as it is." (Marion G. Romney, “Satan—The Great Deceiver,” Ensign, June 1971, 35)  Let me share with you what I came to find out is the problem:

        What I learned is that there is an intentional onslaught by sellers of pornography to get money. I was surprised at how direct this is.

        I learned that they have a monthly magazine that encourages sales. I have a copy of one page of this magazine. And in it there is a discussion about how they can get the sexual addict more addicted so he buys from them on a weekly rather than a monthly basis. This really shocked me.

        Also in January of 2000 this same magazine announced that they had 17,500,000 hits from homes to pornography sites in a month. The reason they were so happy is because that was 40% increase over four months before. A 40% increase over four months concerns me. I might comment that it used to be that it took time for someone to become a sexual addict. A man might sneak out to a pornography shop occasionally. Pornography always escalates. People who are involved want to see more and more explicit things; nevertheless it would take a number of years for most people to actually become addicted. But now because of the Internet, with the click of a mouse, in the middle of the night, pornography can easily escalate and addiction comes quickly. Women are also involved. Dr. Rick Hawks, a psychologist, said that Internet exposure has such a strong impact on young people that a single exposure could possibly create sexual addiction, it takes two weeks for others and addiction is common in just three months. I believe the 40% increase in January, 2000, shows the increase of addiction across the United States. I am concerned that youth and adults are not aware of how quickly addiction can come and hence, through just a bit of curiosity, so many find themselves in a position where they haven't the ability to stop their involvement without help. And they are embarrassed to get help. Others don't realize they are actually addicted because they haven't tried to stop. 

        I received a telephone call from a young wife and she said, "My husband is addicted to pornography." She said, "You know, Sister Hamilton, he didn't mean to have it happen. He was just curious and it happened so quickly." 

        Sellers of pornography hold conferences at least twice a year to increase sales. There was a conference held in 1978, according to John Harmer, an attorney who has worked against the pornography industry for 36 years. The sellers and producers of pornography, the editors of slick magazines and the media people met together and they set a goal so they could get more money. They brought in special consultants to advise them. They decided they would make more money if they targeted women and they knew they could make more money if they could get pornography into homes. And that's what has happened because of the accessibility of the Internet as well as the cooperation of the media and the slick magazine people. Those of us who are older have watched good magazines become sexually explicit in their articles and pictures. Sellers of pornography actually hire psychologists to help them find teasers that will lure our youth into the world of pornography on the Internet. 

        Accidental exposure to Internet pornography is planned. Sellers of pornography know that if they can expose our teenagers and our children and even accidentally expose adults, they will get a higher rate of addiction and therefore they will make more money. Sellers of pornography determine what words children will use as they search Internet sites, and then make it so that if the child misspells that word, he will get pornography. And then they link their pornography advertisements so that when a child, teen or adult gets one, he cannot exit until he sees six or eight advertisements. 

        I want to give you an example of this. Many of you may have had this same experience. Two little boys in the third grade were told to do a report together at school. One little boy watched over the shoulder of the other as they searched for a word. The computer pulled up, in school, hard-core pornography. Both little boys knew the picture was bad. The little boy at the computer tried to exit out. The computer wouldn't allow him to do so. He and his friend saw ten minutes of hard-core pornography. They felt guilt as a result of the experience. No one knew and they told no one at the time.

        I had given a talk in a stake Relief Society on the Saturday morning before this happened. As a result, the mother of this little boy had a family home evening about pornography, as it turned out, on the day the incident happened at school. At the end of the family home evening, the little boy said, "Mom, I guess I better tell you what happened in school today." Had she not done that family home evening, the chances are that she would never have known, and therefore there would have been no intervention. Sixty percent of children or youth who accidentally see pornography do not tell their parents. This statistic comes from an organization called "Enough is Enough." 

        A lady in my ward was upset because she accidentally pulled up pornography on her Internet when she misspelled one letter of a genealogy site. Not only that, she inadvertently sent it to someone else. It was a terrible experience for her because she, too, could not exit out of the site and she didn't know what to do. She told me that she saw lots of horrible pictures. She hates the fact that she has those images in her mind. She came to talk to me because she was concerned that this would happen to her grandchildren and she wondered what she could do. 

        Sellers of pornography waited for a popular domain name to expire. Domains have to be renewed once a year. The person in charge of this one did not realize that it expired at midnight. Sellers of pornography were waiting and they put pornography on the domain so when they turned it on in the morning all the people who wanted that site ended up with pornography. 

        We also see the intent of the media, as reported to a senate committee in the United States, in that 83% of R-rated movies were advertised on television during family time. They are intentionally exposing our children. And John Harmer said, "I hope parents realize that there is no rating system any more." If Satan wants your child exposed to something that will lead him to pornography, where would he put the bad scene? Would it be in an R rated movie or would he rather put it in a PG or PG-13 movie? And that's what we are dealing with. The media people establish the rating and they rate movies so they sell.

        One study showed that a group of men who saw hardcore, adult, but nonviolent pornography over just a six week period of time, lost respect for women in that period of time and improper behavior did not seem so bad, according to Dr. Victor Cline in his publication entitled "Pornography's Effects on Adults and Children." This type of material is in our movies. One bad scene does make a difference. Everything that goes into a child's head is there to affect his thinking, his values and his actions. The good values are there, but the accumulation of questionable things also affects the way he thinks and acts. 

        The standard we need to look at is that if a baby is born and never sees a bad picture until he or she is 18, that youth would be shocked. That is not happening today. Our children are walking through grocery store and department store check out lines and seeing sexually explicit things. We as adults may be turning away but our children are being affected by what they see. I actually can talk to a youth and sort of tell where he is in the area of pornography by how desensitized he is. When youth say, "Oh, that doesn't bother me," you know they may have seen a lot of whatever it is you are discussing. 

        I watched a mother with three little boys. She was putting groceries on the conveyor belt. The little boys were maybe five, six and seven. The oldest little boy was reading the sexually explicit lines on the magazines to his little brothers. The mother never saw this happen. Little boys or girls feel guilt and so they never say, "Mommy, I am having strange and funny feelings." These are feelings no child should ever have to deal with. Children are not emotionally prepared to make sense of the pornography they may see.

        Magazine owners purchase their spots in stores where children are exposed to sexual concepts. These concepts teach children, along with television, that a certain image matters. This promotes insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and seeds of physical self-destruction, in girls, according to Lindy Beam in Plugged In Magazine. Dr. Matthew Hedelius, a psychologist, states that in some cases little boys are affected by what they see. Parents are not aware and children do not know how to deal with the feelings. 

        I always thought that the American Library Association was government operated. I found out at a conference that it was not government operated but funded by other organizations. And in July of 2000 they had a session in one of their conferences about how to get more pornography in libraries without public outcry. We need to be aware of the inappropriate things found in so many libraries.

        So what are the results of this onslaught? Ninety-five percent of children 10 and under have been exposed to pornography, according to Phil Burress at a conference in April, 2000. Four out of 5 twelve to fourteen year olds have been exposed to hard-core pornography a number of times, said John Harmer. And he added, "Far more youth than you realize are involved." One out of four youth last year were accidentally exposed on the Internet according to the Washington Post. 

        "Teens and children exposed before or during teenage years are headed for addiction unless there is intervention," stated Dr. Rick Hawks. Notice the large number of children and youth already involved. This scares me. I am so glad you are here. 

        The impact of this exposure is so forceful that these young people will never forget it, stated Dr. Victor Cline. It serves to tease and tantalize and make the person want to see more. Sellers of pornography know this and that's why they try to expose them.

        Addiction is ugly. After one of the talks I gave, an older man lingered. He said to me privately afterwards, "Let me tell you what it is like to be addicted. Let me tell you what is like to love your wife, and love your children, and love your Church and your God and then go out and do something that totally violates all that you believe." The impact of addiction needs to be taught to our youth.

        Dr. Cline describes it as a wave that comes. I am told that when the wave comes for an addict, the person has little self-control. The alcoholic can stay away from the place where alcohol is sold. So can the cocaine addict. But the sexually addicted person has to deal with the pictures in his mind. He can quickly kick them out, but they return and return even when they are totally uncalled for. This needs to be talked about in our homes. This teaching is intervention and prevention. We need to teach our youth that people who are involved lose their capability to love. They are always looking for the higher high, which is unattainable. They lose respect for their wife, lose the real intimacy that can be in their marriages, lose the real love and the relationship that God meant to be in a marriage, and often they end up divorced, stated Dr. Victor Cline. All of this hurts them, their wife or husband as the case may be, and their children. Looking at pornography is not a victimless crime. Often neighborhood children are hurt. 

        Seventy percent of pornography produced ends up in the hands of children. Pictures teach, and children learn false concepts of sexuality. A fifteen year old might accidentally pull up pornography. Some would print it. Some would show it to their friends.

        In the 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography, Dr. Jennings Bryant, the statistics show that among high school students, 31% of the males and 18% of the females admitted actually doing some of the things they had seen in the pornography within a few days after exposure. And who would that be with? Girlfriends, maybe? Younger children? And then children in the name of play do those things with others. This is a huge concern. One teenager told me that he would never have done what he did to his girl friend if he had not seen pornography. 

        A noted scholar, David Finkelhor, found in his study that one out of three girls and one out of seven boys are sexually molested by the time they are 16 Most of the children who are abused do not tell their parents. 

        Our conclusion then: It is best to prevent exposure to pornography. If anyone has been exposed, we need intervention. If we do nothing, we will see a lot of sexual addiction in our families and we do not want that.

So, what can we do to protect our family? 

        1. Place the computer in an open, supervised area of your home. Be wise enough to turn it off when you leave. This suggestion is found in The Ensign in a number of places. At a conference I attended, we were told that any good boy or girl would fall if they had an Internet in their bedroom. The teasers are so very effective.

        2. Install a filter on your Internet. Seventy-five percent of homes in America have no filter. That is like having no police force in your city. Some say, but a filter isn't 100%. Then should we dismiss the entire police force because it isn't 100%? Filters are like cars. We purchase the kind that serves us best. My husband loves his truck because he can haul things and it has a place for his tools. Other people have different needs.

        One time I was asked to give a talk on filters at a fireside. My 84-year-old mother said, "You're going to give a talk on what, JoAnn?" And then she went on to add this observation. She said, "The only filters I know of are furnace filters and they keep out the dirt." I thought, "What a great description of a filter. They do keep out most of the dirt." 

        In an effort to make this simple, let me show you a diagram. 

Diagram #1 

        As number 1, I listed the computer that you own. You decide to have the Internet in your home or business and so you add number 2, which is the browser and the Internet service, which has a home page. Your home page is probably the page that appears first when you turn on your Internet. Many people say to me, "I have a filter connected with my Internet service." Know, today, that any student who knows much about the Internet knows that it is relatively easy to break through these filters, accidentally or not, and sellers of pornography often find ways to get through them. At a national conference everyone recommended that every family install a good software filter on their personal computer in addition to the Internet service filter.

        On the second diagram I will show you one type of filter. 

Diagram # 2 - White Filter 

        The large arch represents the Internet. The small arch represents the white filter. A white filter, which is also sometimes called a sandbox, or a bubble or a closed filter is one where accessibility is only to sites that have been checked by someone. Many people do not like white filters because without disconnecting it, they can only receive the selected sites. There is one white filter that I am aware of where, if your youth is doing a report , for example, on breast cancer, and it is not on the approved list, a little icon appears on the screen that tells the user that someone is checking that site. This diagram represents that person. And then in 30 seconds or less, the site is checked. If it is a clean site, the icon will change and say you can click and get that site. If it is not, it remains blocked. This filter includes a history that parents can review daily, to see what sites have been pulled up. Yes, it takes more time as a child waits for the site to be approved. Parents can easily disconnect the filter to do their work more rapidly and then again reconnect the filter. Adults who have been accidentally exposed to Internet pornography tell me that it is worth it to wait.

        A white filter is especially good for children. I personally think we ought to have that kind in our schools. 

        No filter is 100%. That is why you must supervise the use of your computer no matter what filter you have. One lady I talked to unplugged the computer cord and just took it with her when she left home.

        On diagram number three I will illustrate a black filter. The large arch represents the Internet. The second arch is not as large as the Internet. 

Diagram #3-Black Filter

There is not complete coverage because there are about seven million new web pages a day added to the Internet. Many of them are pornography sites designed to break through filters. I was trying to illustrate with this diagram that a black filter stops a lot of the pornography but it does not stop everything objectionable. A reputable magazine evaluated a number of black filters and found that they let 20% of objectionable material through. However, 80% was stopped. Critics of the magazine say they did not test the best filters. Frankly, I really don't know, but eighty percent protection is still better than leaving your computer with no filter. Computers with Internet service filters still require parental supervision. Once a child, teen, or adult has been exposed to inappropriate material, they have to deal with the effects of this exposure.

        A black filter might use a "bad word" list, it might limit access to specific web sites, and it might include live reviewers who classify pages. Some filters allow you some choice about what is filtered and some also screen for pictures. A wonderful option is the one that e-mails you when an objectionable site is pulled up. Still others combine a number of these features. Since filters restrict access, many teens or parents find them inconvenient. I think if we weigh the inconvenience against the probability of a negative exposure, we will choose to have a filter.

        Many families have been surprised when they found they had a problem. The only thing worse than finding that you have a problem is not finding it. Without intervention, addiction comes quickly. Anyone knowledgeable recommends that you obtain a filter. Susan Melum, Vice President of Consumer Data Products at the 2000 Technical shootout at Internet Safety Solutions, April 13, 2000, said that only 25% of families have any type of blocking. 89% of youth think that installing blocking software is okay. She also said that 75% of parents think they have discussed Internet rules but only 39% of teens say they actually have any rules. 

        3. Know that you need to check every disk that comes into your home. A disk can bring pornography in. Possibly a teen in your neighborhood might give your son a disk and say, "There are some really neat things on this disk. I'm going to let you take this home and see." Then your trusting child puts it in your computer and has his first experience with pornography and the pornography is in your computer. Again, usually children and teens don't tell so parents are not aware of this possibility. Teachers also need to be aware of this possibility at school. By the way, 58% of those who are addicted to pornography have college degrees and graduate degrees. This information came from the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families.

        4. Know that putting a free disk with free hours of Internet access on your computer means the computer now has no filter. You can set up your computer so that this can't happen, but most of us don't know how to do this.

        5. This is important for children and adults: Teach children to "crash and tell" if they accidentally pull up pornography. "Crash" means to turn off the computer immediately. Then rather than seeing 10 minutes of hard-core pornography, the person only sees an instant of it.

        6. Children need to be taught that they will feel guilt but it is important to "tell." Unless this is specifically taught, most children and teens will not do this. 

        7. Monitor movies. Our personal standard should be clear. The First Presidency put out the pamphlet called "For the Strength of Youth." In it we teach our youth what is appropriate dress, what speech is appropriate and what is wholesome entertainment. It is clear that anything that is vulgar, immoral, inappropriate, suggestive, or pornographic in any way should be avoided. 

Monitor movies. 

"For the Strength of Youth" is our standard: 
        Avoid anything that is 

        We need to ask ourselves if we are listening and following a prophet of God. I do not remember him saying that at the age of 20 or 30 we should still dress appropriately and use good language but it no longer matters what we see for entertainment. Our Father in Heaven knows that we, as well as our children can be desensitized. What is evil will seem okay after awhile. And as John Harmer said, "There is no rating system any more." 

        8. Role play with elementary school children so they will know how to act when approached with a bad picture or a joke. This needs to be done before children go to school. Dr. Lynn Scoresby stated in his book, Bringing Up Moral Children in an Immoral World, that in the hands of seven and eight year olds in every elementary school are sexually explicit pictures. Grade school teachers who I have asked about this, all agree. A year ago the average age of exposure to pornography was 11 years of age and now it is eight. This information came from a conference in Dallas, Texas, year 2001. Children need to be taught so they are not accidentally caught without a plan of action.

        9. Keep children/youth/adults out of chat rooms. I was told at a conference that letting your children in chat rooms was like turning them loose in a bad park and saying, "Go find a new friend." Add to your list newsrooms. Someone may tack up an appealing ad about an inexpensive car. When a youth clicks on the ad, they get a pornography site. At a conference, they also suggested that we keep our children off instant messages. 

        10. Learn enough about your computer so you can check sites that have been visited. Check your history or cache, etc. to see what has been accessed on your computer.

        11. Know that girls as well as guys are getting into pornography. One mother checked on her daughter after hearing a talk on this subject and was really surprised to find that her computer was full of pornography. But as I stated before, bad as it is to find out that you have this kind of a problem, it is better to know than to let it go unchecked. Girls have a tendency to get emotionally involved in chat rooms and magazines although some are into pornography as well. We need to follow the advice given us to stay out of chat rooms.

        12. Maintain a good relationship with your children and teens so you can openly discuss these matters. If you go home today and discover that your youth is involved with pornography to some extent and you react by saying in anger, "I've told you a hundred times not get involved with that filth!" You have lost the battle of intervention because he or she will not talk to you about it in the future. They may or may not stay involved but you won't be in a position to help them.. In Doctrine and Covenants, section 84, verse 77, Jesus said, "From henceforth I shall call you friends." I really like that. He says it a number of times. We need to follow his example and approach our children on this same level, especially when we are dealing with this issue. 

        I also would like to use Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. 

Diagram #4: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

        You need to fill the bottom needs in the triangle before you are able to fill the higher ones. On the base of the triangle is Food and Shelter. Next is safety. Many of us can and do provide these needs. Notice that the third level up is "a loving relationship." The next one is when people build self-esteem because accomplishments are achieved. And the highest is when we can give to others. The problem for many people is that they provide food, shelter, and safety, but when they come to the third level, perhaps they run out of time. Perhaps they do not know the importance of this. Our children will have a relationship with someone. If it is not with us, it will be with someone else, perhaps a peer who does not have our values. The youth will be influenced by the person he has the relationship with. We need to build these relationships. To do so we need to take time for fun, time to play together, time to enjoy hikes or sunsets or sports together, non-corrective, non-critical time as well as choice talking time, often on spiritual subjects. We need a close and loving relationship without anger, or we will not be effective. The youth I have worked with who have had problems with their parents are youth who somewhere lost the relationship with their parents. One youth had a hard time forgetting that one of his parents said, "I want no part of you any more." It was said in anger, but that made no difference. So often parents provide food, shelter and safety but then wonder what's the matter with their son or daughter because they won't listen to them.

        One mother talked to me. At the time her daughter was alcoholic, chemically dependant and living outside of her home. She said she had a conversation with herself one day. She asked herself, "Who is my daughter listening to?" The answer to herself was, "Her friends." And she asked herself, "Why does my daughter listen to her friends?" She decided it was because her daughter's friends approved of her and treated her nicely. And she asked herself, "And why doesn't my daughter listen to me?" And she answered her own question by saying to herself, "Because I criticize her friends and everything she is doing." Then she decided to only say positive things to her daughter for one whole year. She told me she didn't quite do it. Once in awhile, she slipped. But ten months later on a Sunday morning, her daughter fell into her arms and said, "Mom, you are the best friend I have ever had." Now there was a beginning once again of a good relationship.

        Since sexual abuse is often an outgrowth of pornography, let me quickly add here a dialogue that you could use to comfortably ascertain whether or not your child has ever been sexually abused. Bad as it is to find this out, it is worse if you do not know because then the child or teen does not get the counseling needed to help them have a normal life. 

        First find a comfortable, quiet place to talk alone without distractions or interruptions, a place where the child will feel safe. Let the child share fun and happy things. Show approval, then say: 

        "Janie, do you know what parts of your body are private parts?" "Yes, that's right, the parts of your body that are covered by a two piece swimming suit."

        "Janie, if someone ever touches those parts, they will tell you not to tell. It is not the right thing to do. Has someone ever done that to you?" That's the sentence you will want to memorize. 

        If the answer is "no" remind them, if someone wants to, they should say "no" and get away from the person as quickly as possible. Instruct them to tell their parents or another adult who is in charge, such as a teacher as soon as possible.

        If the answer is "yes," do the following: 

        Don't over re-act. To do so often causes the child to shut down, and stops the possibility of therapeutic help. 

        Calmly ask who it was-not changing the tone of your voice. 

        Always believe them. 

        Always validate that it wasn't their fault. 

        Always say you are so sorry you didn't know sooner so you could have helped sooner. 

        Never ask, "Why were you there?" The child already feels guilt and it was not his or her fault. 

        Get professional help possibly from someone of your own religion. Go through this procedure with the rest of the family. If one child has been abused, it is likely that others have, too.

        Prevention is best. I think we all agree with that.

Intervention

        If our family member has experienced exposure to pornography in some form, we need intervention. I want to quickly give you a few ideas, some of which we have already mentioned.

        1. Teach how God-given and wonderful intimacy can be in a marriage. Pornography is a forgery of the real thing. We need to teach this principle to our children. They also need to see the courtesy and the happiness within the walls of our marriages.

        2. Teach that pornography reduces your capacity to love and to build relationships, according to Dr. Victor Cline. He also states that, for some reason, there is a common thread of anger and impatience on the part of the person involved with pornography. The anger is directed at the wife and often times the children.

        3. Teach the ease and quickness with which sexual addiction comes. Remember that if someone is perhaps predisposed to addiction, one experience can move the individual to the point that they cannot pull away without professional help. This happens in two weeks for others and it is common for this to happen in just three months because of the access to Internet pornography.

        4. Children, youth and adults cannot afford to be curious. We need to teach that. Pornography attempts to normalize that which is deviant. Thinking changes. Parents can compare today's problem with the addiction time-line of a previous generation where it took months or years to become addicted, whereas in today's world it comes so quickly.

        One picture does make a difference. Pictures change the way a person thinks.

        5. Teach "why" it is not "just a bad picture." It has the potential to ruin their marriage. It leads to unreal expectations. It promotes adultery.

        6. Teach that they will lose control of their body. To have urges that are so strong that a person goes against their values is a terrible experience.

        7. Teach that once in a person's mind, pornographic images may have to be dealt with for the rest of their lives. Phil Burress, President of Citizens for Community Values in Cincinnati, said, "I was a sexual addict for 25 years. I have been off for 15 years. That means that every day I have to kick those images out of my mind." 

        Many have described pornography as a more difficult addiction to get out of than alcohol or cocaine. In his research on memory, Dr. James L. McGoug at the University of California found that 'if the person is emotionally aroused at the time of experiencing or witnessing something, a chemical called epinephrine is released into the bloodstream. It goes to the brain and locks in very vivid memories of the experience or event.' These locked-in memories are impossible to erase." 

        8. Help your child or youth learn to listen to the Spirit so he or she does not want to lose it. 

        9. Teach that pornography brings unhappiness to the person, their future spouse, their children and everyone involved.

        10. Teach that repentance is real. Notice the figure of a man that is carrying the bag of rocks. 

Diagram #5: Man carrying the bag of rocks

        Satan would whisper in our ear that we have done something so terrible that we are just plain bad. Each rock in the sack on his back represents something we did wrong, and Satan would have us carry it around with us and feel bad about it for the rest of our life. Notice the figure of the man that has left his rocks behind. Jesus Christ teaches us to repent and drop the rocks we carry in our bag. He would have us feel joy. As stated in 2 Nephi chapter 2 verse 25, "Wherever we are with this problem, the message of Jesus Christ is that, difficult as this is, there is a way out. I like Moroni 7 verse 8 where Jesus Christ says, "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven." Combine this with D&C section 58 verse 42. "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I the Lord, remember them no more." 

        Youth have asked me, "But Sister Hamilton, I have not gotten involved any more, I have gone to the bishop, I have truly had a change of heart and I am no longer involved, but those pictures still reoccur in my mind." This is true. As with Phil Burress this person needs to understand that these pictures will reoccur in his mind. His responsibility is to kick them out immediately and not entertain them. Repentance has taken place, but vigilance is needed. Elder Boyd K. Packer reminds us that our minds can only entertain one thought at a time. The key is quickly replacing bad thoughts with good ones. 

        11. Discuss scriptures like these:

        2 Nephi 28:20 says this about our day, "Behold, at that day shall he (Satan) rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good." We see people angry about prayer in our schools and our sports events, angry when we want to acknowledge the existence of God, angry about displaying the Ten Commandments, angry about what constitutes a traditional family. We are surely living at that time.

        And in the next verse, verse 21, Nephi goes on to say, "And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well -and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to …" where he is. We prosper at a level the world has never seen and so many think all is well at a time when the world is changing to a sexualized society that is in reality desensitizing us.

        Several verses later in 2 Nephi 28:24, Nephi leaves us with a warning: "Wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion?" We cannot forget about this issue and think that our family will automatically be okay. It will take effort on our part to teach and protect our family. In a minute I will make some comments about what we can do to affect our community in a positive way. We can indeed make a difference. 

        2 Corinthians 6:17 is also good to use. It is simple and easy to understand. The Apostle Paul says: "Be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing." 

        And 2 Corinthians 5:10 states: "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad."

        You might explain to your children 3 Nephi 27:11. "But if it be not built upon my gospel, and is built upon the works of men, or upon the works of the devil, verily I say unto you they have joy in their works for a season, and by and by the end cometh, and they are hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence there is no return." Adults need to explain to youth that sometimes others, who are for example using marijuana, seem to be having fun. In actuality their fun will end in a short time as they find that their minds are not so clear, as they so often move into other drugs and eventually get caught in an addiction. And then the parallel needs to be made with pornography. It's not "just a bad picture." It will tease and tantalize and encourage more. It may seem "manly" or the "in thing" to be involved in at the time, but ultimately they will lose their freedom and many will succumb to sexual addiction.

        12. There is a poem that I like that perhaps you could use. It is called "The Test" and is by Edgar A. Guest. I took two lines off his poem and added four of my own at the end.

The Test

God did not test him in the open space
Where men could see,
But in the quiet of a secret place;
Alone was he.

And watching there was neither friend nor foe
Of whom to be afraid;
None other but himself on earth to know
The choice he made.

If ever it were safe to sin, 'twas then'
But tempted so,
He said, "Though I deceive my fellowmen,
I still shall know.

I still shall have to face myself each day.
Though none may know
But God who loves me and says,
"Let go my Son, let go."
I will carry all you've done.
Return to me, my son." 

        13. Know the warning signs of a child or teen at risk. 

a. Your child spends large amounts of time online, especially at night. 

b. Your child has the door locked when he uses the Internet.

c. Your child turns the computer monitor off quickly or changes the screen on the monitor when you come into the room.

d. You will notice your child changes his tolerance level of what is bad and what is appropriate.

e. You find pornography on your child's computer

f. Your child lies about his computer use.

g. You receive a high phone bill with strange numbers

h. You find inappropriate pictures or you notice inappropriate behavior. 

i. You find all the sites erased on the history

j. Your child receives phone calls from people you don't know.

k. Your child receives mail, gifts or packages from someone you do not know.

l. Your child becomes withdrawn from the family.

m. Your child is using an online account belonging to someone else.

        14. This is so important. Whoever you are working with, give him hope. People or youth can get in control again. It is one of Satan's lies that you cannot. It is difficult, but it is possible. Dr. Allan Roe, psychologist, stated, "A lot of people have success in pulling out of this problem." In the February Ensign, 2001, the article entitled "Breaking the Chains of Pornography" (Breaking the Chains of Pornography, Ensign, Feb. 2001, 55) includes a wonderful testimony of how someone did just that. 

        Experts say that it takes four elements working together to beat this addiction: 

1. A bishop who understands.

2. Activating the atonement. You might look in the Bible Dictionary under the word "grace" for an explanation about the strength the Savior would offer. 

3. A counselor who has experience and training in working with sexual addiction. 

4. A support group or person. This person is available 24 hours a day for the addict to call to help him withstand what is called the wave that an addict often times finds irresistible. People who have worked through the problem make the best support person because they really understand it. Many people cannot quit for a sustained amount of time with just sheer willpower.

        A youth said to me, "When the wave comes, I wake up in the middle of the night. I run to the computer. I say, "I will NOT do this." Wisely he had placed the phone there near the computer. He grabbed it and called his support person. With the help of the support person he resisted the wave. He is on his way to getting into control.

        A young wife called. She said, "My husband has a problem and so does his brother and his other brother and my brother in law and some people down the street, but we're going to beat it." I really believe that they will. 

        We have a basic understanding now as to what the problem is, we know what we need to do in our homes and what we need to teach our children. 

Know that once your child is protected in your home, he is not protected in his community.

        We need to tell our friends and neighbors about the importance of filters. We need to share the information being taught today with them. Most people are just not aware of the problem.

        At a conference I learned that some material is illegal and can be prosecuted while other material is not illegal and cannot be prosecuted. But even though something is not illegal, it can be still offensive. If you find something offensive, you can still get it out of your community. The best way to do this is by making polite requests to the store managers or the people at the service desk and getting your friends and neighbors to do the same, preferably at the same store. Phone calls and letters are also effective. This helps to establish what is called "the community standard." We need to speak up and establish moral community standards. The community decides what it will tolerate. 

        I discovered at the conference that there were whole communities that did not let some legal magazines in because of their content. These same communities would not allow inappropriate pictures on magazines to be displayed where children could see them. I publicly compliment those communities. When I returned home for the first time instead of looking away from "bad pictures" which I had done all of my life, I noticed what was there. I noticed why 95% of our children under 10 were exposed to pornography. There were inappropriate pictures and headlines on magazines in checkout lines in department and food stores. Phil Burress at a conference commented, "Soft core pornography and legal pornography are the worst because they start our children on the path to addiction." This is what our children are seeing in grocery store check out lanes.

        So, what can we do? All my life I thought there was nothing that we could do that would make a difference, but I have found out that there is a lot we can do.

        One person talked to the manager of her local grocery store and explained the harm being done to children. After a number of discussions on the subject the result was that the entire food store chain covered magazines that they felt were inappropriate. Congratulations to that grocery chain for making a decision that helps to protect children.

        Another grocery store owner, who by the way, has been covering improper magazines for over a year now, said, and this is a key, "If six to eight people approach me on a certain subject in a two week period of time, I make a change in my store." 

        I worked with another grocery store chain and they decided to cover things that were inappropriate for children to see. I just taught the manager the harm that was being done. 

        It is so easy. Notice if anything is inappropriate. If there are problems, approach the service desk and say, very politely, "Would you tell the manager that we would appreciate his covering magazines that are inappropriate for children? The magic words are "inappropriate for children." People do not find that offensive. If magazines are covered, say, "Thank you" because that helps to keep the covers on. If neighborhood groups focus on one business at a time, they can bring the community standard up and make it a safer place for children. Owners do respond to polite requests. If it is difficult for you to speak out on this issue, you might write a one-sentence note, sign it and leave it at the service desk or you can make a telephone call. 

        Someone said, "The only way evil can flourish is for good men to do nothing." 

        Our silence means acceptance. Those who want this kind of material displayed to our children are speaking out and the silent majority is remaining quiet. We must speak out in polite ways. Seventy-three percent of American's thought many headlines on magazines were "inappropriate," and 60 percent favor a store policy of covering up inappropriate pictures. These statistics come from a national opinion poll conducted by Wirthlin Worldwide in September, 1999. In the name of tolerance we have said nothing and inappropriate things are displayed. And I never knew we could do anything about it, but I learned that we can really make a difference. After our grocery stores and department stores are not displaying inappropriate things, then we need to approach video stores, gas stations and other businesses throughout our communities. We need to get our community standards where our values are and know that we can do it. 

        Listen to what Elder David B. Haight in the November, 1984 Ensign, told us. He said, "Actively approach the management of some stores, movie theaters, bookstores, television and radio stations, with a request to withdraw indecent materials." (David B. Haight, “Personal Morality,” Ensign, Nov. 1984, 70 ) If we had done this in 1984, we would not have the problems we have now and lots of people would be better off. 

        President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Oh how we need in this day and time men and women who will stand up for decency and truth and honesty and virtue and law and order and all of the other good qualities on which our society is founded . Now, I want to say to you, and I say it with a plea in my heart, -- get involved--. Get involved on the side of righteousness and truth and decency. God bless you to speak up for truth and decency." This is from Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley. Can anything be more clear?

In conclusion:

        1. May each person who has a problem put forth the effort to utilize the wonderful gift of repentance and activate the atonement with the help of a loving, understanding bishop and a competent counselor and a support person. 

        2. May families do what they need to do to prevent pornography exposure. Every family needs a filter over and above their server. I love the ones that report back to parents. I love the white filter that also has a person that makes it possible for you to have access to the whole internet and the safety of the contained filter. With that filter you can also check to see where your children have been. We need to do that on a daily basis. And then instead of just thinking you know where the family is on this issue, you will know. 

        3. May families then use careful, prayerful intervention for those who are already exposed. 

        4. God has confidence in the parents of this church. He allowed you to be born at this time and He has confidence in the fact that you can deal with this problem. "God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." Will it be easy? No, but it can be done.

        5. God has confidence in the youth to refrain from involvement in pornography. We need to tell them that. And he has confidence in those who are involved that they will get the help they need from their bishops and other support if it is needed. People with this problem so often do not know there is a way out, so they only run from it. 

        6. May we remember that "the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are," said the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians in first Corinthians 3:17. 

        7. May we all listen to the Spirit and a Prophet of God who would help us in our journey toward attaining the Celestial Kingdom is my prayer this day. And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. 

 For an audio version of this talk press the button
below and scroll down the page finding Sister Hibbert Hamilton- from BYU Education Week 2001

Permission granted 8/29/01 by JoAnn