The importance of listening and communicating in counseling was illustrated nicely in a classic "Peanuts" cartoon by Charles Schulz. Lucy, with a sour expression on her face, says she really feels crabby. Linus, with an innocent and pleasant expression, says that maybe he can help. He offers to give her his place in front of the television and to fix her a nice snack. "Sometimes we all need a little pampering to help us feel better," he says. After returning with a sandwich, some cookies, and a glass of milk, he asks if there is anything else he hasn't thought of. Lucy, at first quietly and then with great emotion, says, "Yes, there's one thing that you haven't thought of . . . I don't wanna feel better!"

        An important rule for anyone who would like to help another is to wait until the person has either asked for or agreed to your help before moving ahead. Whatever the reason, quick action, advice giving, or question asking often overlooks the fact that some people want no more than to let their frustrations out to a listening ear. Also, it is less likely to be trusted if offered when a person is resistant to it. And it increases the chance that a person will feel treated like "everyone else" rather than as an individual.

        Does this mean that you can't offer to help someone? Certainly not. It is very appropriate to openly express your desire to help. This rule merely reflects the value of being certain you have permission before entering the other's personal world in such a direct manner.

        After you have been asked for your help, a second rule is, before you do anything else, listen. Be certain what the other person is saying or asking before you move into action. If you don't, you may discover, like Linus, that you have hurried into a solution not appreciated by the person you wish to help.

        Once you have started listening, a third rule is, allow the person to express the problem without interruption. Even correct advice, if it interrupts, may not be beneficial. There is little value in being right if your counsel isn't being received. Incidentally, this does not mean that you must listen to elaborate details of a person's "war stories." It means only that both of you should be satisfied that you have listened long enough to be accurately aware of what needs your attention.

        Once you have listened, without interruption, to a complete statement of the problem, what comes next? Very simply, whatever your understanding suggests. Regardless of what you choose to do, however, the medium for accomplishing your counseling goals is communication. It would tee helpful, therefore, to describe some specific types of communication and the counseling needs they are intended to meet.

        For example, suppose the person you are trying to help says, "I try to be friendly, but no one talks to me. I need someone to like me, but I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to give up." There are a lot of ways you could respond. If you simply say, "I understand," neither you nor the other person can be quite sure how well you understand.

        You will communicate your understanding more clearly if you say something like, "It's a lonely and hopeless feeling not knowing what to do to have people like you."

        In the above example, it would tee premature to ask whet the person had tried or to suggest what he might do to make friends before establishing that you both understand the problem. An empathic response, which places what you understood in your own words, builds trust in your relationship because it shows you care and are trying to understand without judging. Such trust is essential before people will feel good about your questions or advice.

        Another benefit to paraphrasing what the person is saying is that almost immediately it can reduce the person's tension or anger. Why? Because it shows you are trying to understand him rather than push your position. This permits more openness and attention to problem solving.

        Everyone likes to be understood. When one of my children was only three years old, she squirmed on the floor one day, crying and screaming that she wanted candy. Each time I refused (dinner was about to be served) she became louder and more demanding. When I discovered I was also becoming louder and more demanding, I decided to change things. I turned to her and simply said, "You want candy, don't you?" The result was amazing. The squirming, crying, and screaming stopped instantly, and she said, very softly, "Yes." She didn't get the candy, but I was able to tell her why and she was able to hear me. Although she was disappointed, she did not return to her previous level of behavior.

        It's usually better to state a paraphrase as a fact rather than as a question. Too many questions (for example, "Do you feel lonely and hopeless?") suggest uncertainty and lack of confidence or curious interrogation. People usually respond in one of two ways to a straightforward paraphrase. They either say yes and continue explaining themselves, or they say no and restate what they said to correct your misunderstanding. Either response promotes greater understanding and permits the two of you to continue in a positive way.

        If you would like to become more aware of how often such general statements occur, just pay attention to your own conversations. You will catch yourself frequently using vague or ambiguous terms. Then try to be more specific, and you will communicate better. This exercise will also help you to become aware of the need of others to clarify their vague statements.

        A caution: Your requests for clarification can appear too abrupt and demanding if you have not yet won the person's trust. Empathic responses may be more appropriate at first. However, when trust exists, promoting clarity can help you get to the heart of a problem and move more rapidly toward a solution.

        The most generally safe and positive approach to confrontation involves clearly stating and contrasting the contradictions you perceive. You can do this by stating its two most contradictory parts and joining these by a phrase such as "on the other hand," "however," or "yet." An example: "You say you have great affection for your wife, yet you spend almost no time with her."

        Confrontation helps the other person see contradictions in his thinking or behavior and think about ways to overcome the contradictions.

        For example, you might say, "I'm getting frustrated. I want to help you, but every time I bring up the real problem, you change the subject." This response shows that you care, that you trust the other person enough to be honest, and that you expect that both of you must work together to solve the problem.

        On the other hand, if you were to say, "You are never going to get anywhere if you keep changing the subject every time I mention the problem," you will probably alienate the person. Such responses are often referred to as "You statements." They tend to belittle the other person and create defensiveness even though much of the content is the same as in the more appropriate "I statement."

        When giving suggestions to another person, you may find it easy to become detached from your advice by implying or directly quoting authority from some outside source. For example, you might say, "It's well known that once you allow such thoughts, you encourage all the related behaviors." Quoting an outside source can be helpful if the person has asked for such information. When not requested, however, references to outside authority tend to depersonalize and limit the discussion. The implication is that the idea cannot be questioned since it comes from someone with authority.

        If you want to promote more thoughtful discussion of an idea or suggestion, you should give it as an "I statement," such as, "I believe that once you allow such thoughts, you encourage all the related behaviors." Since you state the idea as your belief, the person may feel more free to discuss whether or why it is true and how it applies to his problem. Also, if the person considers and accepts your idea, then he becomes responsible for the idea and cannot blame an impersonal, outside authority for his success or failure.

        This communication process gives the person hope by opening new ways to solve his concerns.

Suggested Readings

D'Augelli, Anthony R.; D'Augelli, Judith Frankel; and Danish, Steven J. Helping Others. Monterey, California: Brooks/Cole, 1981.

Egan, Gerard. The Skilled Helper, 2nd ed. Monterey, California: Brooks/Cole, 1982.

Heaps, Richard A., and Rhode, Norma. Interpersonal Communications: A Skill Development Workbook. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University, 1974.

Jensen, Vern H.; Heaps, Richard A.; Nelson, Bruce D.; and Shingleton, Richard N. Interviewing Skills Workbook Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University, 1981.

About the Author

Dr. Richard A. Heaps, professor of educational psychology at Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's degree from Brigham Young University and his master's and Ph.D. degrees in psychology from the University of Utah.

A counseling psychologist in Counseling and Personal Services at BYU, he is a member of several professional societies and associations and is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist. He has been a member and president of the board of education for the Alpine School District.

He has served the Church as a missionary, an Aaronic Priesthood adviser, a high councilor, and a bishop.

He and his wife, Joyce Ann, are the parents of four children.