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R. Lanier Britsch and Terrance
D. Olson, eds., Counseling: A Guide to Helping Others, 2 vols. [Salt Lake
City: Deseret Book Co., 1983-1985], Volume 2 © 2001, Deseret Book, GospeLink
2001, Used by permission
17 Dealing with Physical and
Mental Handicaps
June Leifson
As Eldon Watson watched his young wife, Ann, bring their first child into the
world, he hoped, as every parent hopes, that his baby would be well and whole.
But his wishes were shattered when he looked at his child—the baby girl had a
cleft lip and palate. A thousand thoughts rushed through his mind at once. What
about his wife? Would she accept the baby? Would the child be able to play and
dance and sing and date and . . . ? He looked at the doctor, but the doctor
seemed to look everywhere but at Eldon. The nurses had tears rolling down their
cheeks. Even though these people were obviously aware of the problem, they
offered no support nor any encouragement. Fortunately, however, Eldon and Ann
had caring families who gave help and support. They were lucky; not everyone has
family, friends, and others who can help. Also, the Watsons had a good health
insurance plan. But not everyone has good family support and good financial
backing. Nor is everyone capable of giving competent help in times of difficulty
such as this.
How can you, as a lay counselor, offer help to parents, to families, and to
friends of the handicapped?
Every Situation Is Unique
First, remember that each physical and mental handicap is unique; no two
families have the same problem. Do not assume that the same or a similar medical
diagnosis presents the same problems to two different families.
Like Eldon and Ann, Allen and Carol Franz had a child with a cleft palate,
but their child had other more severe problems. It was born with microcephaly—an
abnormal smallness of the head. It had no eyes and was severely retarded. The
Franzes had no health insurance and little or no family support. Carol stated
that her mother had died just a few months before the baby was born. "When
I really needed her, she wasn't here," she said.
Not only will financial conditions and family support vary, but also
reactions and feelings toward a handicap will be interpreted and felt
differently by each individual. A mother with a child born with Down's Syndrome
stated, "I just wanted to scream. I was in shock. I just couldn't believe
it could happen to us." A father's response when he had a child born with
Down's Syndrome was: "I was stunned— shocked. My head was rolling. I felt
sorry for myself; I felt sorry for the boy. I wanted to ask the Lord, Why me?
What have I done? I had a sense of deep depression." Clearly, depending on
family circumstances, finances, reactions, and feelings, a lay counselor will
have to provide different kinds of help to each family.
Lay counselors can expect parents to exhibit a certain amount of guilt,
depression, anger, grief, and frustration when confronted with a disabled child.
The birth of a disabled child may be viewed as the death of the "normal and
perfect" child who was to realize their personal aspirations. But
expressions of reaction and emotion are seldom simple and clear-cut. A person's
reactions are frequently blurred when he is first told of physical or mental
problems; there may even be two or three reactions at the same time. One minute
a person may feel guilt; the next minute he may feel guiltless but angry. The
family may feel they should pull themselves together immediately, but intense
emotional reactions usually require time to heal their pain.
Someone Somewhere Can Help
Lay counselors do not have to have all the answers, but they should let the
family know that there is someone somewhere to help them; you and they together
can find the answers and help. The hardest problem to overcome is fear of the
unknown—not knowing where to obtain help. Eldon's situation in the delivery
room could have been helped greatly if someone had immediately said, "There
is help for this condition. There are operations and therapies that can
help." When a doctor or a nurse does not provide this help, a lay counselor
should add support and comfort. In every state, in every town, in every ward and
branch there are resources to help families. These resources include medical
specialists, county health nurses, books in the local library, and home teachers
who can give special priesthood blessings. There are many support and resource
groups who can give individuals and families the opportunity to hear from others
who have gone through similar experiences. They can give honest, straightforward
answers to tough questions. For those who become disabled later in life from
adolescence onward—there are hospital rehabilitation centers, the Division of
Rehabilitation, or the Governor's Committee on Employment of the Handicapped
that can give assistance. There is someone somewhere who can help. As a
counselor, you should assure the family that they are not alone.
Accept the Situation for What It Is—Go On
Help the family (and the individual, if he is mature enough or mentally
capable) to accept the situation for what it is and go on. Trying to move
forward is important. The handicap may be difficult to accept, but families need
to objectively look at their circumstances. They (and others) often look at the
person with the disability and see only the disability; they do not see the
person. As one mother said, "In reality, my child is 90 percent normal,
only 10 percent handicapped."
Another counseling problem may be the guilt of the parents. Even though as
child's disability may come from the parents through a genetic defect, drug use,
sickness, or an accident, their guilt must be resolved. Bishops and priesthood
leaders can offer advice and direction. The lay counselor can help parents
accept the situation, seek forgiveness if appropriate, and go on to build their
lives.
The family and the disabled person, when capable, need to realize and
emphasize the strengths and possibilities they and the disabled person have.
Families have great strengths that can be developed. These strengths may be the
physical or emotional ability of the family members to help the handicapped
person. They may be the family's willingness to communicate, to be united, to
show loyalty, to cooperate with each other, and to show love. Because some
families consider accepting help a weakness, counselors can help such families
realize that to accept help when needed is actually a strength.
In addition, families with handicapped members need to have a sense of
security—a sense that they are working together to provide encouragement and
support for each other. They also need to provide genuine praise and recognition
for each other for every task performed (even small, simple tasks). As the
family succeeds in its quest for strength, it will be able to give strength and
help to the handicapped person. An important part of this supportive family
climate is humor. Families and individuals need the relief that humor gives. But
all must be sensitive. All must understand the difference between ridicule and
humor and know the disabled person well enough to realize when humor will help.
Actions That Do Not Help
One common concern expressed by families who have members with physical and
mental handicaps has been the negative reactions and responses of other people.
One father said about his son, "His problem is obvious, and people don't
know what to say or how to act. It is hard to accept their reaction. It's hard
to go out in public with him. People want to have everything perfect. It makes
it hard dealing with one's own ego." Not only adults but also children can
be cruelly insensitive. For example, the first time one couple took their child
to church, one of the Boy Scouts ran down the aisle, pulled the blanket down off
the deformed baby, and said, "See."
It doesn't help when well-meaning individuals are more curious than
concerned, when sympathy is not true sympathy, or when others don't really
understand the problem. One insensitive person said to a mother of a mentally
retarded child, "Well, your child is fine now." This mother wished
that her child were "fine," but she realized that the child would be
mentally retarded for life. Failure to accept the facts does not change reality.
Similarly, handicapped people do not want to be compared with others.
Disabled people are unique. They do not want to hear about other handicapped
people who succeeded where they cannot. Likewise, the parents of the handicapped
do not want to hear about other handicapped people when the comparisons are not
appropriate. Encouragement is necessary, but it must be given at the right time,
with the correct facts, and in a sensitive way. By staying alert to such things,
the lay counselor may be able to protect the troubled family from unintentional
abuse at the hands of well-meaning but uninformed people. For example, the lay
counselor could explain the situation to neighbors, friends, Church members, and
others. This can remove the problem of morbid curiosity and place everyone on a
more equal footing.
Neither the parent of a handicapped child nor the handicapped person himself
(regardless of age) wants the disabled person to be treated as an object. An
example of this is when a handicapped person goes with his parents or a friend
to the supermarket to buy something. Because the clerk feels uncomfortable, he
communicates with the parent or friend rather than with the handicapped person
who is shopping. When a handicapped person has one disability, even a slight
one, people often treat him as if he has many or more severe handicaps. For
example, blind people are sometimes treated as if they are not only blind but
also hard of hearing, unable to speak, and mentally incompetent. Lay counselors
can help by explaining this human tendency to the family members and to the
handicapped person, if he is capable of understanding. In addition, the lay
counselor should be careful not to make this mistake himself.
All handicapped people do not have identical needs. Meeting the needs of a
person with one disability differs from meeting the needs of another. We all
have unique needs, wants, and desires. It is also important for the lay
counselor to realize that most handicapped persons are not primarily in need.
Many disabled persons are professors, doctors, bank managers, church leaders,
home builders and so on. They can not only take care of themselves, but they can
also offer valuable service to church and community.
Actions That Help
To help families and their handicapped members, the lay counselor needs to
try to see the world from their viewpoint. This is called empathy. It involves
both sympathy for their difficult situation and the attempt to see things the
way they do. One of the best ways to understand how a disabled person and his
family feel is to become well acquainted with them. A less direct, but helpful,
approach is to read literature written from the viewpoint of the disabled and
their families. Negative attitudes can be changed; positive attitudes can be
intensified. Concern, caring, love, and kindness go a long way toward bridging
any gaps that may exist between you, the family, and the handicapped person.
Realize that although through the resurrection the person will someday be whole,
the future promise of a perfect body will not solve the present problems of the
disabled. The here and now of the situation also must be confronted. Disabled
persons must learn how to manage their physical problems as well as they can.
They must also learn to handle possible failures and painful interactions with
others.
This places a responsibility on the lay counselor to be both empathetic and
honest. The lay counselor should learn to speak the truth gently. The greatest
barriers to disabled people are the attitudes of those around them. The lay
counselor needs to take a hard look at his attitudes toward the disabled and to
discover those feelings and incorrect ideas that may impair counseling.
Be practical in your help. For example, if a person with a white cane is
standing on a street corner, ask him first if he would like your assistance
before you take him across the street. If you plan to visit a disabled person,
realize that the person who has disabilities is usually more susceptible to
respiratory diseases and illnesses than others. Visit him when you are well. If
the family of a disabled person states that they are doing just fine, but you
can see that their world is crumbling around them, seek concrete ways to help
them. You could take in a hot meal or two, take some of the children for an
afternoon, do the washing and ironing, shop for needed items, or sit with the
disabled person so the family can have a free afternoon or evening.
Your practical help is necessary, but you must allow the family or the
handicapped person to be independent, at least as much as possible under the
circumstances. When handicapped people develop their strengths and become
self-sufficient, they gain confidence to face and enjoy life more fully.
The counselor should not only help the handicapped person and his family be
self-reliant, but he should also help them understand that God is mindful of
them and that handicaps can have a purpose. About a blind man, Jesus taught,
"Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents; but that the works of God
should be made manifest in him." (John 9: 2-3.) President Spencer W.
Kimball has said, "In the face of apparent tragedy we must put our trust in
God, knowing that despite our limited view, his purpose will not fail. With all
its troubles life offers us the tremendous privilege to grow in knowledge and
wisdom, faith, and works, preparing to return and share God's glory." fn
In the Book of Mormon, Jacob teaches us that we are not to counsel the Lord,
but that we are to take counsel from his hand. (Jacob 4:10.) The Lord does
understand why we have the disabled, the blind, the deaf, and the deformed even
if we, his children, do not have all the answers. We do not need to ask why, but
we do need to seek faith in and support from the Lord.
What can a lay counselor do? You must pray for those with special challenges;
then you must be willing to let the Lord answer prayers in his own way. He knows
which ways are best—he is a caring Father. President Kimball has said,
"The Lord has not promised us freedom from adversity or affliction.
Instead, he has given us the avenue of communication known as prayer, whereby we
might humble ourselves and seek his help and divine guidance, so that we could
establish a house of prayer." fn
Have Hope and Faith
What else can a lay counselor do? He can stand in for the Good Shepherd. He
can help the families have hope—an anchor to hold onto during the inevitable
times of trouble. Hope provides the inner reassurance necessary to go forward.
Teach the families and the handicapped person to have faith in the eternal
perspective of the gospel. President Kimball has said that when elders bless and
recoveries do not follow, often there is not only disappointment but also a
diminishing of faith. He noted that not all the sick and afflicted were healed
in other dispensations, either. "Even the Savior, with all power on earth
and in heaven, did not heal them all. He could have done so . . . but many did
not have the faith to be healed . . . others he did not heal because they were
not to be healed." fn
President Joseph F. Smith wrote that a person will not al ways be marred by
scars, wounds, deformities, defects, or infirmities, for these will be removed
in their course, in their proper time, according to a merciful providence of
God. President Smith said, "Deformity will be removed; defects will be
eliminated, and men and women shall attain to that perfection of their spirits,
to the perfection that God designed in the beginning. It is His purpose that men
and women, His children, be born to become heirs of God, and joint heirs with
Jesus Christ, shall be made perfect, physically as well as spiritually, through
obedience to the law by which He had provided the means that perfection shall
come to all His children." fn
Dealing with Physical and Mental Handicaps
1. Spencer W. Kimball, Tragedy or Destiny (Salt Lake City: Deseret
Book Company, 1977), p. 12.
2. Spencer W. Kimball, "Fortify Your Homes against Evil," Ensign,
May 1979, p. 6.
3. Spencer W. Kimball, President Kimball Speaks Out (Salt Lake City:
Deseret Book Company, 1981), pp. 80-81.
4. Joseph F. Smith, Improvement Era, June 1909, p. 592.
Suggested Readings
Darling, Rosalyn and Jon Darling. Children Who Are Different. St.
Louis: C.V. Mosby Company, 1982.
Despain, Goldie. "Does the Church Provide Curriculum or Resource
Material for Handicapped Members? Ensign, August 1981, pp. 28-29.
Ensign, April 1976. This issue contains a number of articles related to
various handicaps and how members handle them.
Guidebook for Parents of Handicapped Children (currently being written to
help parents understand the position of the Church on handicaps). Special
Curriculum Office, 50 East North Temple, Room 2445, Salt Lake City, Utah 84150.
Hawkes, Mary Jane. "Sharing Sarah." Ensign, June 1981, pp.
32-34.
Komatsu, Adney Y. "After Much Tribulation Come Blessings." Ensign,
November 1979, pp. 68-69.
For general information regarding Church programs for the handicapped write:
Director of Handicapped Services, Personal Welfare Services, 50 East North
Temple, Salt Lake City, Utah 84150.
About the Author
Dr. June Leifson, assistant dean of the College of Nursing at Brigham Young
University, received her bachelor's degree from BYU, her master's degree from
Wayne State University, and her Ph.D. in family sciences from BYU. She has been
selected for numerous honors and awards, including Outstanding Young Woman of
America. In 1977, she was a delegate to the White House Congress of Handicapped
Individuals. In 1982, she received the Beatty Award, the Utah Public-Health
Association's highest award. She has served the Church as a missionary, as a
Young Women's president, as a stake Special Interest leader, and in many other
ways.
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