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R. Lanier Britsch and Terrance
D. Olson, eds., Counseling: A Guide to Helping Others, 2 vols. [Salt Lake
City: Deseret Book Co., 1983-1985], Volume 2 © 2001, Deseret Book, GospeLink
2001, Used by permission
16 Childlessness and
Adoption
Harold C. Brown
My earliest recollection of adoption was as a young boy visiting a cousin who
had been adopted. Having never known anyone adopted, I asked my cousin many
questions about what it was like to be adopted. I discovered that he was
prepared for my questions, but finally, after one too many, he must have taken
my inquisitiveness personally. "My parents chose me," he said.
"Your parents had to take what they got!" End of conversation!
One out of five American couples can't have children. fn The feelings of
infertile couples vary from depression, anger, and frustration to exhilaration
upon conception or adoption. Emotions run high, and the need for help often
exists. Few who have not endured them are aware of the feelings childless
couples suffer.
But much can be done to help couples with the challenges of infertility.
Friends, Church leaders, and others in a position to help should be aware of the
challenges and frustrations that accompany infertility and adoption.
Although much could be said about the baby that is adopted or the parents who
relinquish a child for adoption, this chapter will focus on the childless
couple.
Adoption Opportunities
Only a few decades ago many more children were available for adoption.
Orphanages were not uncommon, and it was difficult to find enough families
interested in caring for homeless children. (This is still true for children
with physical, social, or emotional handicaps.)
Today, however, there is a growing number of families wishing to adopt and a
decreasing number of available infants. The foremost reason for this lack of
infants is that in 1969, 90 percent of unmarried females bearing children
relinquished their children for adoption. But in 1979, just ten years later, 90
percent of this same group kept their children rather than relinquishing them
for adoption. The percent of unwed mothers who keep their children is even
higher today. This trend to keep infants has been dramatic and has shown no sign
of reversing itself.
This has led to frustration for many childless couples, and it has also
widened the door for black-market and other illegal or unethical adoption
practices. Some couples wishing to adopt have paid large sums of money for
supposedly "legitimate" adoption expenses that later turned out to be
illegal. Some have paid in advance and after an expenditure of considerable time
and money have found that no child was forthcoming. Because fewer children are
available for adoption, this experience has become more common. There were
approximately 65,000 adoptions in 1983 in the United States. But with one in
five couples unable to conceive, the "baby gap" continues to grow.
Sterility
Most couples wishing to adopt do so because one of the partners is sterile.
Sterility may exist in either the man or the woman. Approximately 40 percent of
sterility is related to the male and another 40 percent to the female. Twenty
percent of infertility cases are related to both people in the partnership.
There are numerous causes of infertility. The most common cause in women is
infection. In men, varicocele is one of the most common causes. Varicocele is a
varicose vein near one of the testicles. Though there is some question on
exactly how varicocele causes sterility, it is felt that the added temperature
brought to the testicle by the varicose vein causes a lack of sperm development.
Couples who have infertility problems should be referred to a physician.
Because a couple has not been able to have children it should not be assumed
that sterility is permanent. Numerous couples have been helped to have children
through accurate information and competent professional help. For various
reasons, couples may hesitate to seek such assistance, but they should be
encouraged to do so. A lay counselor may help couples overcome feelings of
embarrassment or inadequacy so that they are willing to receive the best
possible medical care available.
Problems Facing Childless Couples
Society values children. This is especially true among the Latter-day Saints.
The Church teaches that a major reason for earth life is to marry, have a
family, and live faithfully so that family associations may be eternal. Church
lessons, activities, and programs are geared toward the family and child care.
This can be frustrating to couples without children. Their feelings are not
always rational, but examples of how some childless couples have viewed their
situation might help you understand their problems. One woman said, "I
never had such a black period in my life. Being unable to have children was very
difficult for me to resolve. I was very depressed and everything seemed
black."
These are the words of an adoptive mother recounting her feelings after
discovering that she could not conceive and bear children. Most childless
couples experience periods of hopelessness and loneliness. They often feel
misunderstood and depressed.
Another woman noted, "I was very much aware of babies and other people
with babies. I was conscious of the need for my son to have playmates. [This
particular woman delivered one child before discovering she could have no more.]
Though at the time my feelings were exaggerated, they were nevertheless real and
frustrating."
It is common for couples who are unable to have children to have feelings of
frustration, especially when visiting with couples who are rearing children.
They watch their friends hold, cuddle, feed, and care for their new babies. They
long to have the same sweet experience and often find friendships strained by
their feelings. Their experiences and interests begin to vary, adding to the
loneliness. One woman said, "I began hating pregnant people. I would ride
the bus to work, see a pregnant woman, and want to slap the person sitting next
to me." fn
Often childless couples generate feelings of guilt. While no obligation to
explain childlessness exists, couples often want to do so. They often feel a
need to say, "We are trying! We want children too."
One couple explained that they felt the accusing glances, real or imagined,
of friends and neighbors who commented, not so subtly, about the freedom and
selfishness of not having children. The wife felt guilty for working. She
thought at times that her friends were accusing her of a lack of commitment to
children and family life.
This same couple indicated that family gatherings were often unpleasant. Each
of the wife's brothers and sisters had several children. Family discussions
revolved around childrearing and the growth and development of each child.
Grandparents cuddled, held, and spoiled grandchildren. Mothers were busy
changing diapers and feeding and caring for little ones, and they would laugh
about the latest accomplishment or stage of life. And although the couple were
happy for their brothers and sisters, they felt left out and lonely: "We
would see our brothers and sisters with their babies, holding them. It really
tore my heart apart. I felt that we were on the outside looking in through a
window."
This couple wondered if being childless was some form of punishment or
discipline perhaps they were unfaithful or in some way undeserving. They sought
many answers but found few to comfort them.
"We felt there was no one to talk to," they said, "no one who
understood enough to say, 'How do you feel.?' Even one of the adoption agencies
we called left us with the impression that they cared about the child more than
us. And while we understood their position, we wanted someone to understand us
so we wouldn't be all alone." This couple has since found the joy of having
children through adoption.
Couples often look back and realize that their situation wasn't as desperate
as they felt at the time, yet their feelings were real. Much can be done to help
couples deal with such feelings. A counselor can usually do little to actually
provide children, but listening, understanding, and providing support can do a
great deal to help.
How the Lay Counselor Can Help
Often counselors want to solve all the problems of those who come for help.
But a counselor can best help by providing perspective and balance. One of the
questions often asked by those unable to have children is "Why can't we
have children? Why us?" The question bears eternal import in the mind of
the person asking it. While usually such questions have no direct answers, much
can be done to help couples focus on what they can do rather than on what they
cannot understand.
A counselor should not give false hope to a childless couple. Many couples
will never have biological children of their own. On the other hand, modern
medicine and technology have increased the chance of conception. The American
Fertility Society claims that specialists can help 70 percent of infertile
couples. fn Couples should be aware of these facts and be encouraged to seek
competent help.
Listen and Understand
Most counselors have had the experience of listening to someone seeking help
and after the interview being thanked generously by the one seeking help. Often
little has been said by the counselor, but the person felt relieved that someone
listened and cared.
Counselors can convey a feeling of understanding by expressing sympathy and
understanding. Comments such as, "It must be difficult at times to want
children so much," or "You probably don't always feel that your
friends understand," or "At times you must feel all alone" can be
helpful. Such empathic comments can give hope and courage to the couple who may
feel that someone important finally understands how they feel.
Reaching Out to Others
It is important to remind childless couples that they are worthwhile and
capable of doing good for others. The problem of infertility can be attended by
feeling sorry for oneself and by turning inward. This in turn can add to the
loneliness and frustration and isolation. Happiness comes from reaching out and
serving others. There is much adoptive couples can do. Service can be in the
form of Church callings or community service. Some couples might consider taking
care of a child on a temporary basis. Numerous infants and children need shelter
and foster care for brief periods of time. Such service can be rewarding
personally and might provide good training. Losing oneself in the cause of
serving others can lighten burdens and broaden perspectives.
President Kimball's counsel has meaning in this regard:
Should we be protected always from hardship, pain, suffering, sacrifice or
labor? Should [God] immediately punish the wicked? If growth comes from fun and
ease and aimless irresponsibility, then why should we ever exert ourselves to
work or learn or overcome? But if we look upon the whole of life as an eternal
thing stretching far into the pre-mortal past and into the eternal post-death
future, then all happenings may be in proper perspective and may fall into
proper place.
We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and
experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and
hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also
that we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager
to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We were willing to come and take
life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this without
murmur, complaint or unreasonable demands. fn
Adoption
If it is determined that sterility is permanent, then pursuing the adoption
route may be desirable and rewarding. Even though there are not many infants
available, adoption is within the reach of most couples who are persistent and
show adequate parenting skills. A counselor can encourage the couple to seek a
professional, reputable adoption source. Because the desire to have children is
often so great, there is a temptation to seek a child from any source. Careful
selection is important to assure competent help and to avoid pitfalls that may
lead to frustration, undue expense, and possible legal and ethical
complications. Help in selecting an adoption source is one of the greatest aids
a counselor can offer.
Selecting an Adoption Source
There are several pitfalls that should be avoided by prospective adoptive
couples. A careful check of adoption agencies and individuals offering adoption
services is essential. A call to the state or county family or social services
office can help. Respected church, community, or other private agencies can also
provide helpful information. Latter-day Saints can inquire at their nearest LDS
Social Services agency.
International Adoptions
Once a couple called me indicating that they had been promised a child from
another country. They had paid a large sum of money in advance and had made
additional payments over more than a year's time; the costs had exceeded their
original commitments. Much time had passed, and there were many
"reasons" why the child had not arrived. This couple's hopes were
alternately raised and then shattered by promises and disappointments. They had
been persuaded that there was a particular child in great need, and that they
were the ones to help. They could imagine a child needing them and could see
themselves offering that needed love. Eventually they stopped their pursuit of
empty promises. There were legal, immigration, and other problems. The person
promising the child eventually disappeared with their money. They were left with
empty arms and heartache. Unfortunately, this story has been repeated all too
often.
There are reputable international agencies who can and do provide safe, legal
adoptions. Again, the best source of in- formation is a local Social Services
office. International adoption requires competence and knowledge. Complex and
varying laws often make international adoptions a challenge. If they are not
handled properly, immigration and legal problems may lead to unwarranted
expenses and disappointments.
For example, on one occasion a family in the United States had been contacted
by someone in another country, telling them a child was available for adoption.
They were most eager to respond. The child had been relinquished by its father
when his wife died unexpectedly. The father was emotionally upset and confused.
He was worried about how he could care for his large family. There were problems
trying to get the child out of the country. The couple wishing to adopt the
child called me for help. Under the circumstances my advice was to no longer be
involved with the situation. The legal and immigration problems were serious.
The circumstances surrounding the relinquishment of the child raised serious
ethical questions. Would this father regret giving up his child after his
emotions settled and his circumstances changed?
Intercultural adoptions often bring additional challenges to the family and
child. It is critical that international adoptions be approached cautiously and
preceded by a thorough investigation of the adoption source.
Confidentiality
Confidentiality about the adoptive child's family must be assured. Today a
controversy exists over whether or not or under what conditions adoption records
should be opened. Some advocate that an adopted child has a right to know who
his or her biological parents are and the circumstances surrounding the
adoption. This same group generally argues that the biological parents also have
a right to know where the child is placed and to learn of its growth and
development.
Others feel that the relinquishment given by biological parents is final and
that contact between the parties should not be made. In the Church, most adopted
children can be sealed in the temple. The Church member must consider this fact
carefully.
It can be argued that the adoptive parents have worked and sacrificed to
raise their adopted child. They have made the financial and emotional sacrifices
required to be a parent. Many resist having a biological parent come into the
picture. Adoptive parents often fear that contact with the biological parent
could weaken or destroy the relationship they have with their child.
The compromise position most often advocated is one of allowing mutual
registration by both the adoptee and the biological parents when the adoptee
reaches a certain age, usually eighteen. If both register and agree to a contact
it would then be arranged by a neutral party. To allow contact of either party
without the consent of the other has many potential problems. Often the
biological parents do not want their identity revealed. Relatives, friends, and
sometimes immediate family members of the biological parents may be unaware that
another child ever existed. While some argue that total revelation of all
information in such cases is preferred, such solutions are not always simple.
Biological parents, adoptees, and adopting parents have rights, feelings, and
circumstances that need careful consideration. Counselors should exercise great
care when exploring this matter. The right of confidentiality is sacred and
should be approached cautiously.
This controversy is still alive and far from being settled. A great deal of
federal and state legislation is still in progress. This issue will undoubtedly
eventually be decided in the courts.
On one occasion a couple adopted a child from a woman in the same ward in
which they lived. An attorney assisted with the adoption, and although he was
competent in his specialty, he was not fully aware of the adoption laws in the
state in which he lived. He also expressed to the couple that there was no
reason to have a serious concern about the confidentiality with the natural
mother, who knew the couple.
She had assured him she had no desire to raise the child, and she had given
her word not to interfere or disrupt the child or the adoptive parents' lives.
However, it wasn't very long until the natural mother changed her mind and
wanted the child back. Although the adoptive couple moved to another state, the
biological mother—with the help of an attorney— found a flaw in the adoption
proceedings and eventually got the child back after six years in the adoptive
home. There were heartache and tears, with the greatest tragedy being that the
child was caught between a biological mother and adoptive parents.
While this example may be somewhat unusual, such tragedy and heartache occur
too often. Confidentiality is imperative.
Legal Protection
An adoptive couple should be assured of the best legal protection when
adopting a child. While there is no guarantee that litigation will not be
pursued with any adoption, careful selection of an attorney can minimize legal
exposure. Not only does federal legislation affect adoptions, but laws vary from
state to state, and often smaller government entities have laws that affect
adoptions. Even individual courts and judges are given a great deal of latitude
in child placement decisions. Presently, adoption laws are rapidly changing, and
couples should take extra care or they may be caught in painful legal
technicalities.
Professional adoption agencies provide excellent protection. When agencies
who have placed children face litigation, they often do so without even
contacting adoptive parents. Inquiries from biological parents are handled in a
sensitive but routine manner. A great deal of protection for the families and
children involved comes from these professional, licensed agencies.
Education and Preparation
A couple wishing to adopt should prepare adequately to receive a child. This
includes learning about agencies and adoption procedures. It also includes
commitment to the child who is to be theirs in every sense but biological.
Granted, millions of couples have children biologically without counseling and
help. This is natural, normal, and usually desirable. However, when mortals
become involved in the placement of infants, they should take care to assure
that the adoptive home is prepared. Counselors should not be extreme or be
overinvolved in an adoptive family's life, but taking time to prepare a couple
by having them imagine the future, examine goals, and assess priorities can be
very beneficial to them.
Some of the circumstances surrounding adoption produce additional concerns
and challenges. Several years ago, the wife of a couple who had adopted a child
came to me for help. Their child was very active and full of life. These parents
had adopted through a physician who sincerely tried to help them. However, they
had had only a limited opportunity to discuss possible problems and challenges
they might face with an adopted child. This couple struggled for a great deal of
time before they finally sought assistance. During the course of the interview,
the adoptive mother finally admitted believing that because the mother of the
baby had conceived out of wedlock, that perhaps there was a strong tendency for
the child to be hard to handle and discipline. They had actually come to believe
that there was little that could be done to help and control him. After some
discussion and counseling, they came to understand that their child was not
really any different from most children born to parents every day. Through some
basic education, training, and prayer, they gained confidence and began to enjoy
their parenting experience.
Often the adoptive couple needs very little information and help, but it is
important that help be available. Licensed agencies provide this service as part
of their normal duties. Some couples may be hesitant to seek help, fearing that
they will be seen as inadequate. Adoptive parents are usually more concerned
about appearing to be capable than are biological parents. fn
No one can guarantee there will be no problems, but careful preparation and
continuing education can help assure the happiness of the adoptive couple and
the child.
Matching the Child and the Parents
The sacred nature of some adoption stories makes them difficult to tell, for
there is often a spiritual side to matching children with adoptive couples. In
professional agencies, great care is taken to match the background, interests,
and characteristics of the adoptive parents and the biological parents. As much
as possible the height, weight, hair and eye color, size, and characteristics of
the biological parents are matched with the adoptive parents. Background,
education, and interests are all taken into account. It is surprising how often
a couple is able to delight in the comments of an unknowing friend or relative
who says, "Oh, he looks just like his father!"
The frustrations and challenges and worries of adoption melt away when those
who have the opportunity to adopt finally receive their child. As one woman
expressed it, "It was the most exhilarating day of my life! I can remember
every detail of that day. I felt complete joy! It seemed so impressive. Such a
surprise. I could not understand that I could be that happy. My husband couldn't
stop calling people we had not seen in years. To walk into that room and then
hold the baby for the first time - there are not words to describe that
feeling!"
Childlessness and Adoption
1. "Infertility: New Cures, New Hope," Newsweek (December 6,
1982), p. 102.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid., p. 103.
4. Spencer W. Kimball, "Tragedy or Destiny," in Faith Precedes
the Miracle (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1975), pp. 95-106.
5. Janet L. Hoopes, The Delaware Family Study: Prediction in Child
Development (New York: Child Welfare League of America, 1982).
Suggested Readings
"Barren Couples." Psychology Today, May 1979, pp. 101-12.
Behrman, S. J., M.D. and Robert W. Kistner, M.D. Progress in Infertility. Boston:
Little, Brown and Co., 1975.
"Infertility: New Cures, New Hope." Newsweek, December 6,
1982.
Menning, Barbara Eck. Infertility: A Guide for the Childless Couple. Englewood
Cliffs,
New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1977.
Smith, I. Evelyn. Readings in Adoption. New York: Philosophical
Library, 1963.
About the Author
Harold C. Brown, director of Social Services, Employment, and Rehabilitation
Services for the LDS Church, received his bachelor's degree from Brigham Young
University and his master's of social work degree from the University of Utah.
Formerly he has taught seminary and worked with various parts of the social,
Indian Placement, and welfare programs of the Church. He is a member of the
advisory board of the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Utah.
He has previously served in the Church in elders quorum presidencies and as a
bishop, and he presently serves as a member of the Salt Lake Cottonwood Stake
presidency.
He and his wife, Penny, are the parents of eight children.
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