Approximately one out of every five children under the age of eighteen currently lives in a single-parent family, and the best estimates from census data now predict that one out of every two children born in the 1980s will live in a single-parent family before the age of eighteen. Since approximately 80 percent of all persons remarry following a divorce or widowhood (especially younger ones who tend to still have children at home), most of these children will experience a combined family. Conservative estimates indicate that there are over fifteen million children living in combined families with stepparents and another four to five million children between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two who are living in and out of combined or blended families. It is further estimated that there are, at a minimum, twenty-five million husbands and wives who are stepmothers and stepfathers. Most of the increase in single-parent households is due to divorce. The percentage resulting from widowhood has remained about the same, but there has been a substantial increase in unwed parenthood.

        The formerly marrieds come from all walks of life, all socioeconomic backgrounds, all religious affiliations, and all cultural and ethnic groups. According to Paul Glick and A.J. Norton, formerly marrieds tend to be young and in their twenties when they first reunite. The average age is twenty-seven for women and twenty-nine for men. Divorced persons tend to marry other divorced people. They gravitate toward partners whom they perceive to be quite different in character from their first spouse. fn Two other studies found that over 50 percent of remarried subjects said they were not at all attracted to the same kinds of persons they first married. fn Remarried individuals sought traits of warmth, maturity, and the capacity for commitment, as opposed to traits of attractiveness and wealth, which characterized their earlier choices. Jesse Bernard concluded that those who remarry often consider their first marriage as an "apprenticeship" and, as a result, bring a greater capacity for commitment and maturity to their second marriage. fn

        While widowhood usually elicits sympathy or at least genuine concern from others, divorce is still accompanied by social stigma, although that is less true now than was true a few decades ago. Some people feel that being a divorced person in their church, neighborhood, community, or social set is a real liability. This creates pressure to remarry in order to reduce or, hopefully, eliminate the stigma. But getting married to escape from or to run away from a situation will probably not lead to success and is not a healthy reason for marriage.

        Most of the above reasons for remarriage fall within the category of "seeking" and "getting." Serious consideration should also be given to remarriage as an opportunity to find fulfillment through giving. This is a healthy reason for marriage and remarriage, but one must consider it carefully.

        It is easy to rationalize our thoughts so that we arrive at the answers we want. We can even interpret answers to prayers the way we want. All problems and issues do not have to be and probably never will be totally resolved. But being aware of problems and acknowledging the possibility of undesired events occurring is helpful. Anticipating the possibility of difficulties and having plans to constructively handle them is a great asset. It is when difficulties occur that we can link our faith with our works. But if we refuse to acknowledge the possibility of future problems, we may be surprised and overwhelmed when they come.

        People who remarry often dream or hope to heal former hurts through the new relationship. However the loss of a former spouse occurred, remarriage carries the expectation that the "new family will be just like the old one or better." People in remarriages hope that old problems will disappear. Seldom do they acknowledge that problems may continue or that new ones might arise. One of the most common myths is that if a person loves another person enough to marry him, he will also love the person's children.

        When a number of persons of varying ages and stages of development suddenly come together from a variety of previous family and household backgrounds, each one already has ideas about how the television set should be used, where the dog sleeps, who prepares breakfast, how the laundry is folded, and how the hamburgers are cooked. The problem, of course, is that there is no agreement. Everyone brings different family traditions from their former family experiences—most of them given below conscious awareness until the startling experiences of trying to mind a parent who allows watching television before dinner or finding the dog sleeping at the foot of the bed.

        In addition, family alliances form, with outsiders and insiders vying for positions because of the parent-child relationships that preceded the new couple's relationship. An only child may suddenly have three sisters. A biological parent may remain in memory if not in actuality. The children may be members of at least two households—going back and forth, experiencing culture shock. A stepfamily is a complex family with a large cast of characters—a family forest rather than a family tree. fn

        Combining families requires a great deal of patience, kindness, generosity, and forgiveness on everyone's part. Children, especially, may be hesitant to offer loyalty and affection to a newcomer. They may feel they are being disloyal to a biological parent. They may feel caught in an uncomfortable situation, realizing that they should establish a warm, creative relationship with new siblings and a new parent, but they do not know how to do that while still trying to maintain previously existing bonds. Ambivalent feelings and unwelcomed behavior can be dealt with more effectively if they are acknowledged and understood. Children should be helped to understand this.

        It is a mistake to expect a stepfamily to function as a normal family. It does not, and it cannot. What happens when one moves from the role of friend to that of spouse and stepparent was described by one stepparent as "like being plunked down, a stranger, in the middle of rural China, speaking the wrong language and yet torn all the while by too many people asking unanswerable questions."

        When parents discipline their biological children, the children may not like the discipline or even the parents. However, when a stepparent disciplines a stepchild, the magnitude of these feelings is much greater. The stepchild may respond, "You are not my father!" or "You are not my mother!" or "You wouldn't do this to your own child!" Almost daily one is reminded that the relationship is "step" and not biological. A child may say, "I don't have to do this because you are not my mother!" or "If you were really my mother, you wouldn't make me do this!" or "Why did you have to come into our lives? Everything was fine until you came along." These feelings exist on the part of adults, too. A woman may say, "Well, I care about my stepchildren almost as if they were my own, and yet I resent them because they remind me of something I do not want to remember."

        A spouse may feel that a new husband or wife in a remarriage is fine, but that the marriage is greatly complicated by children. Most remarried people report that right from the start things were much harder than they had anticipated. The tendency is to expect, to act, and to react as though the stepfamily were a biological family.

        People are frequently surprised at the changes in the families before and after a marriage. Many women have indicated that they established a good relationship with the children of a prospective husband—they had long conversations and found that his children would share things with them they would not share with their father. Yet, after the marriage, something happened to this closeness; the children became more distant and seemed to feel that someone was taking the place of their mother. Such behavior is not easily understood by either generation. The challenge is even further complicated if some of the children are not living all the time with the family but visiting occasionally or on weekends. The wonderful, big family gatherings that one might have dreamed of just do not come about. Children may visit and want to have time with their parent but not the stepparent. The parent will probably feel sad about this and may even be critical of the stepparent for not being more successful in being able to establish a close, meaningful relationship with the children. The children may resent the parent, the stepparent, or both for creating this situation.

        When possible, it is best for a combined family to start out in a new house. Too often, stepparents and their children move into the home previously lived in by the other adult and his or her children. It is difficult not to feel like a guest or an intruder for those who move in. It is also difficult for those who have previously been there not to resent changes that will be made—sharing things that have been private and feeling that someone else is taking over things or responsibilities that belong to a present family member or to a departed parent who no longer lives there.

        In cases of divorce, noncustodial parents often complicate life. They justifiably may wonder whether a stepparent will move in and do a better job of parenting than he or she had done, especially since they may see their children so little. They may feel particularly helpless if they feel the new stepparent is not doing a good job with the children. It is difficult to accept the feeling that someone else is taking one's place. If children are living part of their lives in a second household, their loyalties will be divided. They may feel confused and frustrated. They may feel used if they have become pawns between their parents. Wise adults will do everything possible to avoid putting children into these difficult situations.

        Children who spend part of their time in at least two households find they are confronted with different rules, regulations, traditions, and ways of doing things. They often become skillful in manipulating parents and in playing one against the other.

        If someone has come to you for help in considering the issue of remarriage, as you review these concerns it is important that you create safe and trusting conditions so that the person will be relatively free to discuss issues with you. Be understanding, warm, and objective. Be very cautious in giving advice. Try to help the person think through issues. Raise questions to find out whether he has actually thought about them or not; and, if so, encourage him to be as honest and objective as possible. You may be helpful in raising questions he has not yet considered. It may be possible for you to help him see an issue or a question in a new light. Avoid being trapped into making a decision for him.

        Many individuals who have combined families agree that it was well worth the efforts that were involved. For them, remarriage brought increased happiness. In fact, some found it so rewarding that they wished their second marriage had been their first so that they could have enjoyed it longer.

        Approximately 40 percent of second marriages end in divorce in the first four years. If a couple who remarry have children from their previous marriages, the likelihood that the marriage will end in divorce is increased. The second marriage can be successful, but it requires even greater skill, patience, and effort than the first marriage. The family members must avoid comparing a second spouse with a first one, or a second mother or father with a first. In addition, they must prepare for marital happiness. There are courses, books, manuals, seminars, and workshops to help people prepare for marriage, for childbirth, for parenthood. However, there are many problems involved in combining families that are different from and do not exist in first marriages and first families. Couples who are unprepared for the combined family adventure are the most likely to face disappointment and struggle. It is best to face the new challenge with eyes wide open, with a deep commitment to seek appropriate help, and with the determination to do what is necessary in order to succeed.

        As we better understand combined families and accept the fact that combined families are not like biological families, we can offer better help. We must accept combined families as legitimate kinship units. To the degree that we are able to do that, we can help those in combined families to achieve rewarding and deeply satisfying relationships.

Resources

If you are living in a combined family or if you are counseling someone who is, the following may be useful sources of help:

1. Your bishop. If he is not able to give you the help you need, he will probably tee in a position to make intelligent referrals.

2. LDS Social Services or similar social agencies in your community.

3. The Stepfamily Association of America (900 Welch Road, Suite 400, Palo Alto, CA 94304). This organization publishes a quarterly newsletter, Stepfamily Bulletin, for those who are interested in step relationships. This association also sends book lists and reprints to its members, provides training workshops for professionals, helps chapters and state divisions form mutual support networks, and is engaged in community education.

Remarriage and Combined Families

1. Paul C. Click, "Children of Divorced Parents in Demographic Perspective," Journal of Social Issues 35 (1979).

2. Margaret Crosbie-Burnett, "The Impact of Remarriage on Labor Force Participation, Divorce Decree Modification, Ex-Spousal Relationship, and Extended Family Reorganization," paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the National Council on Family Relations, St. Paul, Minnesota, October 1983.

3. Paul C. Glick and A. J. Norton, "Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces in the U.S.: June 1975," Current Population Reports (October 1976).

4. M. Hunt and B. Hunt, The Divorce Experience (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1977); Leslie A. Weston, The Second Time Around: Remarriage in America (New York: The Viking Press, 1977).

5. Jesse Bernard, Remarriage: A Study of Marriage, 2nd ed. (New York: Russell, 1971).

6. Paul C. Click and A. J. Norton, "Marrying, Divorcing, and Living Together in the U.S. Today," Population Bulletin 32 (1977).

7. Emily B. Visher and John S. Visher, "Stepfamilies in the 1980's. In Therapy with Remarriage Families, James C. Hansen and Lillian Messinger, ads. (Rockville, Maryland: Aspen System Corporation, 1982), pp. 105-120.

About the Author

Dr. Blaine R. Porter, former dean of the College of Family Living and university professor at Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's and master's degrees at BYU and his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A well-known family life educator, he has served on numerous regional and national committees. Dr. Porter is the author of many professional books, monographs, and articles.

His service in the Church has been wide and varied. He has served as a bishop, in a stake presidency, and in a number of Melchizedek Priesthood assignments.

Once a widower, Dr. Porter is remarried and lives in Provo with his wife, Barbara, and their daughter. He has four grown children by his first marriage.