Clearly the gospel neither teaches nor condones family violence, aggression, or abuse of any type. Yet some men justify and rationalize their physical abuse of their families on the basis of so-called religious principles. Often, in their defensiveness, they caution others that to interfere in their private life is the ultimate invasion of privacy and agency. They say that such an invasion is unconstitutional or even satanic. Still others protest that society authorizes them as fathers and husbands to discipline family members however they wish. Unfortunately, some Latter-day Saint parents also share these attitudes; Latter-day Saint families are not free of abuse. How can we who are counselors respond to those who abuse family members?

        While there maybe heated differences of opinion, Latter-day Saint counselors can find the only lasting answers in gospel principles. They must fuse those principles with careful study, deep commitment to family life, sorrow for the sinner, and change in the behavior of all involved in any kind of physical abuse.

        Professionals who work with family violence and spouse abuse have identified three characteristics of abusive and abused individuals. The first characteristic is low self-esteem (often rooted in past generations). It is characterized by the violence that is a symptom of the pain that arises when a person has a limited sense of personal worth. A second characteristic is the feeling of helplessness. A person with these problems worries about how to control his life and environment. The abuser husband uses violence to "gain control." Meanwhile, the victim lives in constant fear and is usually convinced that she is powerless to do anything about the problem. The third characteristic is that family members find it difficult to identify, discuss, and solve their problems. A typical abuser/abused couple sense that their dreams of a happy marriage are slipping away. Their attempts to resolve their difficulties sometimes result in violence and intensify the problem.

        The abused wife needs understanding and support. Her view of reality must be respected. The counselor can expect her to be resistant and protective. She may feel that if change occurs the marriage will still eventually deteriorate. Usually, she is certain that help to stop the violence will not be forthcoming. She may not believe that there are helpers who really understand her situation. She fears that she is the only one who has ever experienced such a crisis. She is ashamed of her own inadequacy, of her inability to make decisions, and of the fact that her home is not happy. Because she is convinced that she must carry her burden alone, she needs empathic assistance in expressing and sharing her fears, pains, hopes, and ambivalent feelings about her husband.

        One of the most helpful contributions a lay counselor can make is to help the abused woman reestablish control over her life. Her feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are devastating, but she can be counseled to see that problems can be addressed and that solutions can be found. She still has choices. Richard J. Anderson, a Utah social worker, suggests that the counselor should talk with the abused woman rationally, suggesting realistic choices, so that she may develop a new sense of control. fn He should show her that she can gain by evaluating and selecting from a variety of alternatives. The counselor should help her to move away from all-or-nothing thinking, such as "Either stay in this relationship or have no relationship." Instead, she should be shown that she can leave, stay with the hope and commitment that things will change, seek individual or marital counseling, temporarily separate, stay and relinquish the hope that he will change, and so on. There are other options. The abused wife needs to feel that she has the power to change and control her life.

        The abuser also needs help. If the primary purpose of intervention and counseling is to salvage the family, the counselor must not ignore or reject the offender. He needs the understanding, support, forgiveness, and counsel of someone who can influence him to change his behavior. He will probably not welcome this support, however. He will make it difficult for a counselor to counsel and may try almost anything to avoid a visit with a counselor. He is usually very resistant and does not believe anyone really cares about him or his side of the conflict. He will be extremely sensitive to any show of authority and will watch for attitudes and cues that suggest that the counselor's mind is already made up. The abuser needs to know that the counselor is committed to understanding his legitimate concerns, his pain, his anger, his isolation, his guilt, his frustration, and his disappointment about his marriage. Even though it may appear to others that he is out of control, he wants to believe that someone is willing to hear what he is attempting to do. He wants a valued person to understand his motives and hopes and not to view his behavior in isolation. Until he believes that the counselor understands him, he will not listen to counsel about his harmful behavior. It will be impossible to help him until he esteems the counselor as a friend. (See D&C 38:24-25.)

        With trust established, a counselor can begin by teaching the family problem-solving and coping skills for dealing with everyday challenges. The counselor can show individual family members how to identify, talk about, and work through their stress, conflicts, and feelings. However, the counselor must remember that the abuser does not believe he can control his angry feelings. He invariably has difficulty expressing what he is experiencing and generally expresses emotions, such as frustration, guilt, and disappointment, in anger. He is convinced that he is victimized by his mate. He wonders why everyone is against him and why no one wants to hear his side of the story. In being angry and hurt, the abuser is bewildered that no one wants to nurture or comfort him. He is often unaware of his emotional conflicts and tends to express much of what he feels through exaggerated masculinity and violence.

        The abused wife, too, has responsibility. She must be committed to change and not simply to a life of longsuffering. Her motto must be "I may be his excuse, but I will never be the reason for his abuse." The cycle cannot be changed if she continues to visualize herself as a helpless victim of her husband's rage. Even though the wife needs protection, empathy, and support, the counselor does her no favors if he charts a course for her that permits her to continue in the victim's role.

1. Has low self-esteem—feels dependent, feels inferior, feels inadequate, sees self as a personal failure, has feelings of helplessness and abandonment.

2. Able to hide his failures, fears, and inadequacies from others. Has good social skills in public.

3. Is emotionally dependent, but usually this is recognized only by the family.

4. Is self-centered and does not delay gratification.

5. Harbors fears of being cheated by his wife (jealous, accusative). Disbelieves her protestations of innocence.

6. Uses spy tactics to control her (contains mate—restricts her social contacts more and more).

7. Expresses no sense of violating another's boundaries.

8. Insists forcible behavior is justified in that it is aimed at securing the family good.

9. Seems to have no guilt about incidents of abuse. Talks about them on an intellectual level.

10. Is sexually demanding and assaultive (experiences impotence at times).

11. Controls others by threatening homocide or suicide. Often attempts one or both when spouse leaves.

12. Often has a history of family violence as an abused child or as a witness of his father abusing his mother.

13. Has a poor relationship with his father.

Profile of Abused Female

1. Endures frustration.

2. May exhibit depression and stress and have psychosomatic complaints.

3. May be a high risk for home accidents. May secretly use drugs and alcohol.

4. Seems to possess unlimited patience to "solve" marriage problems. Clings to minor promises as a hope for change in the future.

5. Describes herself only in terms of her family.

6. Expresses low self-esteem.

7. Has poor social skills.

8. Feels restricted and trapped.

9. Often accepts blame for husband's wrongdoing, believes her own behavior is provocative, and does not assess the degree of her danger.

10. Clings to the belief that acceptance of violent behavior will lead to long-term resolution of the problem.

11. Has a poor sexual self-image. Assumes the role of rape victim in marriage.

12. Frequently considers suicide and makes minor attempts. Thinks about homocide, but more rarely.

13. Loves husband but is afraid of him—does not understand her ambivalence and feels crazy.

14. Wants to stay in the marriage. She is not ready to give it up, but she does not want to be hurt.

1. Abuse must stop immediately—you must not accept a couple's suggestion to "taper off."

2. Abuse is a complex problem. You should help the family implement a variety of changes as well as new attitudes and skills. Teach problem-solving skills. Understand certain emotions as signals of problems.

3. The abuser needs to be loved and understood so that he can change. In addition, however ambivalent the abused wife may appear, she probably still loves her husband and is committed to the marriage.

4. The victim must work toward change and make a commitment not to endure abuse. She must agree to help restructure the husband-wife and family interaction.

5. The abuser must be helped to see that he can learn to deal with his anger and frustration in ways that do not hurt others.

6. Abuse is but a symptom of deeper emotional problems—usually neither the abuser nor the abused feels very good about themselves.

7. Members of a family need support to change.

8. At some point the family must be addressed as a unit. They need help in understanding their relationships, their attitudes, their communication, and their skills of negotiation and problem-solving.

9. Don't take abuse lightly. At the point you feel you are no longer being effective, refer the family to a professional immediately.

Spouse Abuse

1. Modified from Richard J. Anderson, M.S.W., clinical social worker employed as a protective services worker in the state of Utah in community operations.

2. John W. Taylor, "Structured Conjoint Therapy for Spouse Abuse Cases, Social

Casework 65 (January 1984): 14.

Suggested Readings

Gelles, Richard J. The Violent Home: A Study of Physical Aggression Between Husbands and Wives. Beverly Hills: Sage Publications, 1972.

Langley, Roger and Richard C. Levy. Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis. New York:

Pocket Books (Simon and Schuster), 1977.

Martin, Dee. Battered Wives. New York: Pocket Books (Simon and Schuster), 1976.

Walker, Lenore L. The Battered Woman. New York: Harper and Row, 1979.

About the Author

Dr. W. Eugene Gibbons, chairman of the social-work department at Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's, master's, and doctor of social work degrees from the University of Utah. Dr. Gibbons has worked as a psychiatric social worker at the Utah State Hospital and as director of outpatient and social services for Timpanogos Community Mental Health Center in Provo, Utah. He is presently chairman of the Utah state board of mental health. He has authored several professional articles and is a member of a number of professional and honorary societies.

In the Church, Dr. Gibbons has served in a variety of callings, including bishop, stake executive secretary, YMMIA president, elders quorum president, and first counselor in the Orem Utah Stake presidency.

He and his wife, Evelyn, are the parents of six children.