The family is the great eternal unit. It can be an unending source of love, strength, and growth for its members. When it functions well, the family is one of our most important human resources. President Joseph F. Smith emphasized the eternal nature of the family:

        Who are there besides the Latter-day Saints who contemplate the thought that beyond the grave we will continue in the family organization? the father, the mother, the children recognizing each other in the relations which they owe to each other and in which they stand to each other? This family organization being a unit in the great and perfect organization of God's work, and all destined to continue throughout time and eternity. We are living for eternity and not merely for the moment. (Gospel Doctrine, p. 277.)

        Most of us assume that we understand how families operate because we have had "on-the-job" experience as a family member. However, what appears to be obvious about our own families may not help us understand how family processes go awry. A prerequisite to helping families is a working knowledge of the principles of family organization and functioning.

        Visualize the following Saturday morning in the Highstrum home. Dad is reading the paper in the family room, and Mom passes by Maria's room and notices that it is a mess. She finds her daughter in the kitchen and proceeds to scold her, and Maria responds by screaming. Ignoring the commotion, Father continues to read in the family room. As the noise level escalates, he decides to leave the house to run some errands. Mom starts to feel guilty as she realizes that the intensity of her anger does not fit the deed—a messy room. But when Mrs. Highstrum discovers that once again Father has escaped the "trials of parenting," she flies into full-blown rage. At this point Maria is vaguely aware that her mother's explosion is an overflow of the underlying but unresolved tension between her parents. Mother is resentful of having to shoulder the full burden of discipline. Maria, too, feels victimized as she receives the brunt of Mother's emotion and resents her father's emotional absence, which prevents him from coming to her aid. When Father finally comes home, he cracks down on Maria.

        What started as a focus on one troubled teenager shifts to a complex and powerful set of interconnections between family members. Who is to blame for Maria's delinquency? At one level, every family member has part of the blame because their individual behaviors fit together and feed on each other. However, on an individual level, Maria must be responsible for her choices as must other members of the family.

        This characteristic of interconnectedness makes the family a system in that it is organized so that change in one or more parts of the family is usually accompanied by change in other parts. In the case of the Highstrum family, one cannot completely understand Maria's behavior without considering mother-daughter and father-daughter interaction. But one can't really comprehend the mother-daughter relationship or the father-daughter relationship except in the context of the marriage. Three basic principles will help in your attempts to understand and help families.

1. Understanding the personalities of each individual in a family does not mean you understand the family. Observing interaction in the entire family yields a more accurate understanding.

2. A change in one member of the family is usually accompanied by a change in other members.

3. Although it may appear that only one person in the family needs professional help, the entire family often contributes to the problem because of the "fit" of their behaviors. If professional help becomes necessary, it is usually beneficial to involve the entire family, not just a single individual.

        Figure 1 is a three-generation genogram of the Highstrum family. It shows how Maria's behaviors fit with the rest of the family. Maria is the second of four children. By examining the relationships in the child generation, we discover that Maria and her younger sister, Chris, do not get along (as indicated by a wavy line). This is complicated further by the fact that Chris and Mom have a very close relationship (as indicated by parallel lines). Maria feels like an outsider because she experiences conflict with both Mom and Chris. Marital tensions do exist in the family, but the conflict is not out in the open. Father has a strong bond toJohn, the oldest child, whereas Mother ties into Chris. One could infer that these strong parental bonds with John and Chris may do real harm to the marriage because the parents can avoid resolving their conflict by spending time with their children.

        In looking at John, Sr.'s family of origin, we discover that he was also very close to his father, who died when John, Sr., was seven. His parents' marriage exhibited outward conflict, and his mother never remarried after his father's death. John, Sr., reports that his mother still disapproves of his marriage to Martha, who confirms his report by making derogatory remarks about her mother-in-law. Martha is the first child in her family. She reports poor relationships with her father and her younger sister, Peggy, who was the parents' favorite.

        This genogram permits us to draw several conclusions about the Highstrums. First, John, Sr., the husband, repeats the pattern of marital conflict that he witnessed in his parents' family. One also has to wonder if the fact that John was in conflict with his older sister Mary doesn't influence his present behavior with his wife, who was the first child in her parents' family. Secondly, in examining Mom's relationship with her daughter, Maria, it is possible that unresolved issues with Peggy, Mom's sister, surface in the mother daughter battles. Thirdly, in the closeness of their relationship, Mom and Chris unintentionally isolate Maria. Lastly, the parents don't have to resolve their marital conflict because they have children with whom they are close. Will a change in Maria's individual behavior help? It would, but a reorganization of several family relationships might facilitate change more quickly. It is usually very informative to construct a three-generational genogram when working with a family. The family can help bring meaning to the diagram and can teach themselves about the overall patterns in their relationships.

        The second boundary involves two-person relationships such as husband-wife, parent-child, and sibling-sibling. It would be inappropriate for a child to discuss the same things with his mother that his father discusses with her; the marital boundary would be violated.

        The third boundary exists when three people are together. The best example is the father-mother-child relationship. When parents are trying to talk with a particular child, and a brother or sister interrupts, the parents might ask the "intruder" to wait or even to leave the room. When this happens, the child quickly senses the boundary he was told not to cross.

        The fourth boundary involves the relationship between the individual and the entire family. A family council imposing some family rules on a child would be an example. The fifth and sixth levels of boundary concern exchanges of information between individuals and the outside world and between the family as a whole and the outside world.

        Families get into trouble when they fail to establish limits at each boundary, but, conversely, boundaries that are too strict make it hard for a family to adjust to new changes in their life. Suppose, for instance, that a mother and son form a relationship around which a strong boundary exists. The two spend a great deal of time talking and having fun together, but the other family members find it difficult to cross the boundary and interact with mother or son. The father eventually becomes resentful because he feels left out.

         In another case, a family member might not share what she did at school or work. The boundary around her and the outside world is so impermeable that other family members have no idea what she does during the day. Such boundaries can lead to emotional isolation called disengagement. Disengaged families preserve separateness between people but handicap open communication and closeness.

        However, it is possible for a family to have too much closeness. Members can have a powerful sense of belonging but give up their autonomy. This condition is called enmeshment, and it is similar to being glued to one another: it's great to be together, but you can't get unstuck.

        A family with a greater degree of openness is able to accept messages from its environment and to adapt to what it hears. Some families tend to shut out or distort information in order to avoid upsetting an established pattern. For example, if an ecclesiastical leader suggests to a husband that he needs to treat his wife differently, can the family handle the message and change, or does the message become distorted? A family's ability to hear messages both within the family and from the environment is a primary indicator of its psychological health.

        Figure 2 illustrates two characteristics of family boundaries. The horizontal line represents closeness, from disengagement to enmeshment. The vertical line represents ways of responding to information from the environment. A chaotic response could be inconsistent, random, irrational, or unpredictable behavior. Rigid responses are so unvarying and rule-bound that they seem to ignore changes in the environment. An example of a chaotic response to news of a child's suspension from school might be a mother throwing dishes or a father going to the photo album to look at pictures of the child when in kindergarten.

        The following questions will help you decide where a family fits on the diagram in figure 2.

1. What kind of leadership exists in the family (shared or just one person)?

2. Are family rules clear and stable (or seldom clear and change so often that things are chaotic)?

3. Are limits set at each boundary? Moderation in all things is the key. (Either too strict or too permissive boundaries will create family trouble. The guideline should be Doctrine and Covenants 121:34-46, where specific warning is given against compulsion, pride, control, unrighteous dominion, hypocrisy, and guile.)

4. To what degree will the family permit open flow of information between family members?

5. To what degree does the family relate to its environment? Can it receive new information from its environment and respond in flexible ways? (A good indication of this is how the family relates to the school system.)

1. How often does the family spend time playing together?

2. How independent or dependent are family members? 3. How often do individuals make their own decisions?

4. Do family members share information with each other?

5. Are family members separated, close, or smothered?

        In this situation a coalition had formed between the wife and children to the exclusion of the father. The couple were not aware of the consequences of their decision to follow these paths. Nevertheless, the coalition grew out of a situation their decisions had created. The only other bond that should be as strong as the marital commitment is our relationship with the Lord. When other coalitions form that are stronger than these two bonds, families experience trouble.

        Likewise, people and activities outside the family can have a stronger hold on a member than the family. Work, church, leisurely activities, and friends can interfere with family relationships, especially the marriage.

        Listening to a conversation at the dinner table can serve to identify coalitions in a family. When two family members carry on a conversation and ignore a third member, a coalition is in operation. When two family members make a decision for a third, coalitions are operating. Children who exhibit problems such as delinquency, drug use, and sexual promiscuity are usually on the low end of several family coalitions. Ecclesiastical leaders can strengthen family structure by encouraging husband and wife bonds as primary. Any other coalitions with children, grandparents, outsiders, or activities should supplement, and not replace, the marital bond. The Savior taught that when two people marry, they are no more two people but one flesh. (Matthew 19:4-6.) Their oneness does not imply that they are one person but rather that they are like the Father and Son, one in purpose, feelings, and goals.

How can the quality of family communication be evaluated? By considering the following issues:

1. Is there variety in the topics discussed? Ideally, topics might range from current events, good literature, movies, and politics to interpersonal relationships, feelings' and family dynamics.

2. Are topics discussed until they are resolved? One of the problems in dysfunctional families is that several topics are briefly discussed but no one topic is pursued to its finish. Interruptions, topic changes, and irrelevant issues distract the family from their task.

3. What do the messages imply about relationships? Are comments made in a loving, friendly manner or in an aggressive assault? A parent can say the same words to two different children but one message may sound like an armed truce while the other implies tenderness.

4. Ratio of agreements and disagreements. In quality communication people are able to disagree without being assaultive, and differences are received as contributions. However, the total communication contains more agreement than disagreement. If a family has an expectation that everyone must be "nice," members may feel unnecessarily guilty about expressing their real wishes and needs.

5. Intensity of expression. Family members should be able to communicate emotions of fear, sadness, affection, and exhilaration, among others, but these expressions can be of such intensity that other family members become overwhelmed and appear insensitive.

6. Speaking order. Quality in this respect means that family members do not speak for each other and that every family member is allowed to speak. When you meet a family, you can watch who speaks to whom, who gets left out, and who interrupts. For example, the parents may try to talk to each other while the children interrupt. Or while the father talks, no one listens; but when the mother talks, everyone listens except the father.

7. Commitment. Do family members respond to each others' requests with clear messages about what they are willing to do? The healthy family is able to achieve results. If family members agree to do something but do not follow through, commitment is not strong enough or other problems are diverting the family from their decisions. Helping family members make clear, direct requests will minimize problems with follow-through.

        In another example, members of a family were too busy to eat most meals together. With the convenience of microwave technology, teenage children heated the prepared food and generally ate alone. It was little wonder that the people in the family became isolated and emotionally distant from each other. It is always informative to chart by hour each family member's daily activities for a week. This type of record helps the family evaluate its use of time.

        Behavior occurs in patterns, and it is not uncommon for families to experience cycles of conflict, mood, and communication. For example, a husband and wife were experiencing a period of discouragement. When a visiting teacher inquired about the wife's general welfare, she discovered that periods of discouragement occurred about every five months and lasted for two weeks. By asking about events that typically occur before these "down" periods, you can learn much about the cycle. It seems that this couple was very concerned about the school performance of their fifteen-year-old son. They received a report card usually about two weeks before their discouragement set in. Then for two weeks the parents discussed ways to help their son, but these discussions usually ended in disagreement, which created emotional distance in their marriage. With the loss of their usual support of each other, both marital partners became discouraged. Just understanding the events in such a cycle can be a starting point for a husband and wife to examine ways to break the cycle.

        Another dimension of time in the family is the life cycle. Each family progresses through several stages, beginning with the marriage of husband and wife and ending with the death of both parents. The important thing to remember is that each stage requires the family to accomplish particular developmental tasks. In a family with mostly teenage children, a major task is balancing freedom and responsibility of the children. Many parents assume that the same forms of discipline that worked when the children were young will work when children are adolescents. The psychological task of the teenager is to become more independent, and when parents do not foster such growth, the families experience severe conflict. It is not the intent of this chapter to cover all of the family developmental tasks through the life cycle, but it is important for you to consider the developmental stages of the life cycle when working with families. You might ask yourself, What are the developmental needs of family members at a particular age and is the family organized to help meet those needs?

        In one family a ten-year-old son was learning to play baseball, but his skills were not very well developed. The parents recognized that their son had two specific developmental needs that centered around playing baseball. First, he needed to learn the motor skills necessary to catch the ball with a glove, handle a bat, and run and slide to the bases. All of these skills would aid his physical development. Secondly, success in playing baseball would help him be socially accepted by his friends. The family was organized so that they could practice baseball together and help the ten-year-old develop his skills.

        Often the function of family behavior is to maintain some long-standing pattern of relating to each other. Consider the marital bond in a family that was weak, and in which the predominant mood was anger. Whenever the parents began to fight openly, their four-year-old son went outside, doused himself with water, rolled in the dirt, and returned to his parents. Shocked by his appearance, the mother and father abruptly discontinued their fighting to attend to him. The child's behavior stopped his parents' arguments, and that was its function. Adolescent children often behave in such undesirable ways to maintain some degree of family unity. In such cases, it is important to focus on issues of family unity and not just the adolescent child.

        When an outsider suggests that a family change in some way, the response of the family can be defensive. Perhaps they become angry, silent, or even suggest problems that are not at the heart of the issue. The function of these behaviors is protection. The family has behaved in patterned ways for a long time and so seeks to remain that way. Outsiders can gently teach, illustrate, or demonstrate possible meanings of family patterns. They can point out structures and functions. They can offer knowledge to families that can provide the opportunity for the family to consider changes that are in the family's best interests.

Suggested Readings

Allred, G. Hugh. How to Strengthen Your Marriage and Family. Provo: Brigham Young University Press, 1976.

Calvin, Kathleen M. and Bernard J. Brommel. Family Communication: Cohesion and Change. Glenville, Illinois: Scott, Foresman and Company, 1982. Miller, Jean R. Family Focused Care. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1980. Willmot, William W. Dyadic Communication: A Transactional Perspective. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1979.

About the Author

Dr. James M. Harper, associate professor and program director of the graduate marriage and family therapy program at Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's and master's degrees from that same university and his Ph.D. in counseling psychology from the University of Minnesota.

He is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has served as president of the Utah Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. His articles have appeared in a wide variety of publications.

He has served the Church as a mission president, a member of a bishopric, a high councilor, an elders quorum president, a Boy Scout leader, and a Sunday School teacher.

He and his wife, Colleen, are the parents of four children.