Even though many singles feel they are part of a small minority in a "married church," in reality single life is a common experience among Church members. Approximately 30 percent of the adults in the Church are single. This number includes all types of singles—not-yet-married young adults, divorced, separated, over-thirty-never-marrieds, and widowed persons.

        But for all people, married or never-married, life's basic struggles are pretty much the same. Most of us wrestle with desires to be purposeful, emotional and sexual needs, economic problems, emotional dependencies and loneliness, physical well-being, and obedience to gospel commandments.

        The unique task of the single person is to recognize that being single can be a gift, not a problem. Being single is neither good nor bad. Some singles, as is the case among marrieds, are depressed and unhappy. But there are many single people who are happy and productive. Being single just is. It is a temporary state in the eons of a person's eternities of experiencing, learning, and developing. The challenge lies in how the single person mentally deals with the single state while in mortality. Accepting the situation and making the best of it can mean fulfillment, but using singleness as a stamp of divine or human disapproval breeds unhappiness. That kind of thinking blocks progress. People who use their singleness as a license to avoid responsibility help create their own limits for effective living.

Type 1: Voluntary Temporary Singles    

        Voluntary temporary singles are open to the possibility of marriage but are not actively seeking a mate. They have set aside the search for a marriage partner indefinitely to allow time for other activities such as education, work, career, politics, self-development, a mission, and so on. Typically the singles in this group are the younger never-marrieds and the divorced who need some time to heal and readjust before they remarry. This group is postponing marriage, not making a decision never to marry. Some will marry about when they expect to. Some will marry at a later time than they wished. And some will not find appropriate mates and will move into one of the other groups.

Type 2: Voluntary Stable Singles

        Voluntary stable singles have chosen to remain single permanently. The motivation maybe positive, as in the case of priests, nuns, and others who want to give a life of service. Or, there may be a degree of negative motivation, such as fear of pain associated with close relationships in the past. Other reasons may be somewhat neutral, as in the case of widows who still feel married, or single parents raising their children alone who do not seek mates because of the disruption it would bring to the family system. Some of these people feel unsettled.

Type 3: Involuntary Temporary Singles

        Involuntary temporary singles would like to marry. They do not want to be single and are actively seeking partners. These people may be younger never-marrieds, people whose marriages ended through death or divorce, or older never-marrieds who may or may not have wanted to marry previously.

Type 4: Involuntary Stable Singles

        Involuntary stable singles believe in marriage and would like to be married. However, they have adjusted emotionally to the probability that marriage is not a realistic expectation for them. Included in this type are older divorced, never-married, and widowed men and women. It might also include those who do not marry because of physical, mental. or emotional impairments.

        Of course, people change the categories in which they place themselves. How singles feel about being single may vary with interpersonal circumstances. For example, nuns and priests who would type themselves as voluntary stable singles may change their minds about getting married if they have a serious opportunity. Types 1, 3, and 4 may even represent stages experienced by never-marrieds. Or a person who is a voluntary temporary single as a college student may move into an involuntary temporary classification as his schooling is completed and he wants to get married. Other voluntary temporary singles may enjoy their single status and, if the possibility to marry does not occur, adjust more or less comfortably into the voluntary stable type.

Where Do the Problems Occur?
        Voluntary temporary singles are genuinely concentrating on purposeful, rewarding tasks in life, such as serving missions and completing college degrees. They view their singleness as temporary and feel confident that they will eventually get married. Though aware of their singleness and their lack of fitting the cultural mold, they have little anxiety about postponing marriage. They are receptive to family, social, and institutional (church) support for the task they are centering on.

        The problems for the younger voluntary temporary singles tend to be related more to finances, employment, housing, breaking away from their family and becoming an adult, and making friends. fn

        Many involuntary temporary singles, however, face the same challenges without the advantage of feeling that they are in control of their lives and their future happiness. Involuntary temporary singles want to be married. Much of how they feel and what they do is influenced by this desire. Many of them enjoy life and are happy meeting people, dating, and courting. But anxiety about not being married is much more likely to occur among the involuntary temporary singles than among the voluntary temporary singles. Many involuntary temporary singles will marry because they are prepared to love and take responsibility for a family. But if the desire to marry is based on a need to conform to cultural, parental, and peer pressure, marriage may be a source of frustration, loneliness, and diminishing self-esteem. Such desires are not grounded in a faith in gospel principles but in worldly concerns. Even if such a person had the chance to marry, his happiness would not come automatically. But some singles will marry to escape the anxiety of wondering if they are normal and acceptable, because they fear loneliness, or because they dislike the emptiness of celibacy. In such cases, marriage will often be a disappointment.

        Women between the ages of twenty-six and thirty-four are most likely to experience this turmoil. fn They may feel helpless to achieve their goal of marriage and may simultaneously worry about being ostracized because of their perceived defeat. Their feelings of inadequacy can overflow into their employment and careers, where they question the purposefulness of their work, which is a major part of their lives. Because they see themselves as lacking the validation that marriage supposedly gives, they may experience confusion in many aspects of their lives.

        Anonymously authored articles in Exponent II (Fall 1982) reveal that a number of single women believe—rightly or wrongly—that the Church institution has made unrealistic promises that chaste and righteous women will be rewarded with returned missionary husbands who will marry them in the temple for time and eternity. These writers are now in their late twenties and early thirties. They feel that "the promise" has not been fulfilled though they have kept their part of the bargain. Other Church blessings promise husbands and children. Yet these do not come for everyone. Therefore, they question the validity of other gospel promises and wonder why they should continue to conform to gospel standards.

        Each case is different. Perhaps the foregoing reactions are more extreme than usual; but whether the disappointment is lack of marriage, lack of good health, or lack of economic opportunity, the sorrow of these singles need not be borne without faith and hope. All Church members face the challenge to "submit to all things the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon us." (Mosiah 3:19.) Yet continued pressure to marry often influences people to feel inadequate or a failure and is often associated with depression and anger. People who suffer this kind of pain sometimes want to escape from or to tear down the system. Seeking relief, some singles explore other value systems by turning to drugs, alcohol, masturbation, heterosexual promiscuity, and homosexuality. They wander farther into the desert instead of drawing from the well of living water. Feeling deserted, they draw sterile thoughts from empty wells. They think they cannot "play the game" outlined by their parents and society and win. As long as they are losers anyway, they rationalize, why not enjoy temporary pleasure? Some, considering themselves to be deviant because they are not married when their peers are, take license to behave deviantly in other ways.

        Involuntary stable singles believe they will not marry and are not actively seeking marriage. Some of their challenges include: (1) keeping their hearts open in spite of the uncertainties of relationships; (2) keeping peace of mind even when their marital status appears to be out of step with their personal goals, with society, and with their religious culture; (3) fostering emotional intimacy through friendship; (4) developing meaningful employment; (5) managing finances and other resources; (6) encouraging intellectual and spiritual growth and development; (7) finding purposeful community service opportunities; (8) taking responsibility for personal well-being through good nutrition and exercise; and (9) finding a place in a "couples culture." Lay counselors can help by focusing on one or another of these challenges.

        Voluntary stable singles may or may not be comfortable with their singleness. Their peace of mind depends largely on their motive for choosing singleness. A decision not to merry because of fear of failure, avoidance of responsibility, selfish desire to live life for oneself, hostility toward the opposite sex, choosing to cope with life by simply not coping, misdirected sexual affection, or dependencies usually bring unproductive or unhappy consequences. On the other hand, some singles choose not to marry because they feel satisfied with their personal growth and the contributions they make to society, science, or the arts. Some singles feel an inner confirmation that their direction is appropriate for their circumstances.

        Some voluntary stable singles worry about the challenges of living with their own turmoil and the constant reminders of their self-perceived inadequacy and its emotionally demoralizing energy drain. Caught between the desire for marriage and the despair of helplessness, singles find that this dilemma affects spiritual and intellectual growth, career development, ability to manage financial and other resources, motivation to care about physical well-being, desire to prepare for the future, and social relationships.

        In contrast, other voluntary stable singles feel fulfilled in their work. They are free to establish friendships that take care of their intimacy needs. They view interaction in the community as an opportunity to give of themselves. Therefore, they are more able to give attention to the positive messages from society and to overcome the insensitivities of a married society. Their being positive and giving provides them inner strength to reach out to others in service and friendship, the courage to take charge of financial matters, and the energy to control their own environment so they can be productive.

        Voluntary stable singles who have accepted their singleness view it as a gift. They reject the myth that to be single is to be selfish. They say that selfishness is in the mind, not in a particular marital situation. Adults in this group give through community and church service, careers, and networks of human relationships. Singles have the opportunity to deliver proportionally more community service than marrieds.

        The most common reason reported by singles is that they have not had the opportunity to marry. "Opportunity" can be defined in many ways, of course. Elements of "opportunity for marriage" include perceived equality about each partner, presence of genuine love and desire to be together, inner confirmation about the decision, and opportunity for personal development through relationship and shared responsibility. Today more people are deciding that an "opportunity" without all of those elements is no opportunity at all. There is an emerging group of single adults who feel that they have not found a relationship that offers more opportunity for growth than they can achieve singly.

"There's a lot of frustration with being single when you want so much to be married."

"It's easy to feel like there's something wrong with you because you're not married."

"I'll bet you're sometimes afraid you'll spend the rest of your life alone."

"I wonder if it feels unfair."

"It must be difficult to get on with your life when marriage is an unknown for you."

        When a person feels you truly understand him, he may share deep feelings with you. If this happens, you should listen and let yourself feel what is being shared. It is not always the leader's responsibility to solve the problem or to make the pain go away. You cannot be responsible for another person's life. But you can provide an atmosphere of love and safety where he can talk about his problems and discover solutions so that he can make decisions and get on with his life.

        Older involuntary temporary singles who are still dating—courting and full of hope need encouragement from time to time when their hope wanes. Furthermore, they need to be taught to accept the idea that they may always be single.

        Older singles who feel cheated and denied may need to be taught to look for the positive aspects of their situation and to take responsibility for their own happiness.

        Single women from ages twenty-six to thirty-four most often fit in the involuntary temporary singles group. The "alarm clock" syndrome is most likely to affect singles in this stage they panic when they realize that the normal marriage years are slipping by and they have not found a partner. Initial reaction is either social withdrawal or frenzied reaching out and indiscriminate dating. Unfortunately, because of the cultural pressure to marry, a big wedding rather than a true marriage becomes the goal.

        If there is a critical period for singles, it is probably this period. Toward the end of the stage, sometimes when they are in their late thirties, single women actually go through the emotional stages of grief—mourning the loss of hope never realized. There is a last flurry of denial that they will face life single; then they have angry feelings about having to live life without companionship, sex, children, and the affirmation of marriage. They may bargain with the Lord. Finally, they accept life as a single. These stages may present themselves in part, all at once, or in any order before final acceptance is achieved.

        Involuntary stable singles are older singles who have accepted singleness as a permanent life-style. If they also are assertively self-reliant, they need to be encouraged with opportunities for top-line executive leadership and teaching positions in the Church. They need to be recognized as whole, complete individuals. However, some involuntary stable singles have resigned themselves to singleness without really taking charge of their lives and their happiness. If they are in quest of additional peace and freedom to fulfill their potential, they should be taught to be positive and to make decisions that can bring them fulfillment.

        Response to the needs of such a heterogeneous group should include the following three elements: (1) referrals to professionals; (2) being available to listen; and (3) teaching helpful principles.

        Referrals to professionals may be the most helpful response in cases where a person has come from a family with unhealthy interaction patterns. Extreme resentments of the opposite sex and rejection of the marriage and family lifestyle indicate a need for professional help in examining and working through those issues.

        In normal situations, however, the most important support to give is the message that you care, that you see singles as important, valuable human beings who are worth your gift of a reasonable amount of time. They will care whet you say when they know that you care. Their needs differ. Some will not be ready to receive any more than your gift of time and nonjudgmental listening. Some will not need any more than periodic opportunities to have you show that you value them enough to listen to them so they can see more clearly how to organize and carry out their lives. You will be able to judge what they need by listening to them.

How to Help Singles Focus on Positive Principles
        Because feelings and behaviors are based on what we think and believe, singles who struggle with accepting their singleness need additional information. With added information they can develop a new, more productive way of seeing their situations and can be open to more productive ways of living. The following principles are guidelines for counseling singles. However, the singles' success in accepting and applying these principles depends on their willingness to make their lives happier.

1. As they accept responsibility for their happiness, they will find personal power and increased self-esteem. Teach them that choosing self-fulfilling thoughts and behavior is the ultimate personal freedom. In order to have charge of their lives, they may need to break emotional or financial dependencies on others. Taking this step is frightening because it requires responsibility, energy, and risk of failure. Yet it is encouraged by Church leaders as the only way to work out personal salvation. Wider James E. Faust said, "This life is not a passive life. The word of God constantly sets before us images of vigor and power, all of which images and actions under his benign guidance can be directed and controlled." fn

2. As singles turn to God through prayer and repentance, they will find new vision. Without vision we perish. They will experience a new perspective on life and the advantages of being single.

3. As singles choose to love themselves, they will be able to love others. fn Self-esteem is their choice. It cannot be given by others. If they look for it outside themselves, it will be "other-worth" rather than "self-worth." Patricia Russell and Karen Jensen wrote in the February 1974 Ensign, "A woman can and must have an identity, be useful, and feel important and needed whether she is single or married. She must feel that she has something to offer." fn

4. As singles put marriage in its proper eternal perspective, they will be free from worldly expectations that marriage must happen in this life. Life begins with discipleship, not at the altar. Discipleship is a reaching toward second birth and a reawakening followed by an eternal searching for what is noble and good.

        Elder Faust said, "Too many women think that marriage is the most important thing in the world. . . . The Lord tells us our first responsibility is to love him and seek his will." fn

        At a women's conference at New York City in April 1978, Sister Barbara B. Smith taught that the purpose of this life is to follow Christ and become like him. Some people need the challenges of marriage to do this, while for other people different trials are given to help them become like him. The important message is that we should put first things first—spiritual rebirth before marriage.

5. As singles give service to others, they are fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth with good will and good works. A multitude of discouragements are overcome through service. Isolation and turning inward lead to depression and a failure to reach out to others. Companionship, self-respect, happiness, and life itself are gained through giving up our time, talent, and energy to others. Elder Faust's advice to singles is, "I wish to affirm that the principal benefit which will come to the adult singles of the Church. . . is service . . . the Christlike quality of service on a one-to-one basis. Cultural and social activities are very important, but the primary emphasis should be on service. A daily selfless service to another should be on the agenda of our activities." fn

Counseling Singles

1. Peter J. Stein, Understanding Single Adulthood, paper presented at the annual meeting of the National Council on Family Relations (Boston: 1979), p. 3.

2. Ibid.,p.3.

3. Cynthia S. Burnley, Identities and Life-Style Adaptations of Never-Married Women paper presented at the annual meeting of the Society for the Study of Social Problems (Boston: August 1979), p. 4.

4. Peter J. Stein, Single (New York: Spectrum Books, 1976), pp. 63-64.

5. Ida Smith, "Demographic, Social, and Personal Dimensions of Singleness n Family Perspectives (Winter 1983), p. 3.

6. Charles W. Mueller, "Female Occupational Achievement and Marital Status," Journal of Marriage and the Family (August 1977), p. 587.

7. James E. Faust, "Married or Single: Look beyond Yourself," Ensign

(March 1980),

8. Ibid.,p.37.

9. Patricia Russell and Karen Jensen, "Put First Things First: A Single Woman's Perspective," Ensign (February 1974), p. 37.

10. James E. Faust, "Married or Single: Look beyond Yourself, " Ensign (March 1980), p. 36.

11. Ibid., p. 37.

Suggested Readings

Anonymous essays, Exponent II, Fall 1982.

Avant, Gerry. "Singles Urged to Aid Others." Church News, July 12,1975, p. 4.

Burnley, Cynthia S. Identities and Life-Style Adaptations of Never-Married Women." Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Society for the Study of Social Problems, Boston, August 24-27,1979.

Cargan, Leonard. Singles: Myths and Realities. Los Angeles: Sage Publications, 1982.

Dyer, Wayne. Your Erroneous Zones. New York: Avon Books, 1976.

Faust, James E. "Married or Single: Look beyond Yourself. n Ensign, March 1980, pp. 35-37.

Hoopes, Margaret H. "Alone through Divorce." Ensign, November 1972, pp. 52-55.

Kearney, Kathryn. "Home Evening, Singles Style." Ensign, March 1981, pp. 30-31.

Lubeck, Kathleen. "I Love My Work: Enjoying This Stage of My Life. " Ensign, July 1980, pp. 66-67.

Mueller, Charles W. Female Occupational Achievement and Marital Status." Journal of Marriage and the Family, August 1977, pp. 587-93.

Osborn, Anne G. "The Ecstasy of the Agony: How to Be Single and Sane at the Same Time." Ensign, March 1977, pp. 47-49.

Porter, Blaine R. "Alone through Death." Ensign, October 1972, pp. 74-78.

Russell, Patricia, and Karen Jensen, "Put First Things First: A Single Woman's Perspective." Ensign, February 1974, pp. 36-37.

Silver, Cherry. "When a Woman Is Alone." Ensign, June 1978, pp. 40-43.

"Single Woman Improves Her Self-Image. Church News, February 28, 1981, p. 11.

Smith, Ida. "Demographic, Social, and Personal Dimensions of Singleness. Family Perspectives, Winter 1983, pp. 3-18.

Stein, Peter J. Single. New York: Spectrum Books, 1976.

———. "Understanding Single Adulthood. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the National Council of Family Relations, Boston, August 14-16,1979.

Underwood, Jan. "Seeing Beyond the Category: Reflections on a Single Life." Ensign, March 1984, pp. 24-29.

Ward, Russell A. "The Never-Married Later in Life." Journal of Gerontology 1979, vol. 34, no. 6, pp. 861-69.

About the Author

Dr. Rita M. Edmonds, core faculty member at the Brigham Young University Comprehensive Clinic, received her bachelor's and master's degrees from that same university and her Ed.D. in family and community education from Columbia University. Prior to joining the BYU faculty, she taught and worked as an administrator at several institutions of higher education. Since joining the BYU faculty she has developed a course on singles in family and society.

Dr. Edmonds has been a speaker at numerous women's conferences in the United States and Canada. Because she organized the LDS Indochinese refugee program in Thailand (under the direction of Elder Marion D. Hanks), she has since organized conferences on, published a book about, and served on the Utah State Refugee Advisory Council.

Dr. Edmonds has served in many Church callings, including institute instructor, ward Relief Society president, Relief Society teacher, and stake Relief Society board member.