In talking to a dying person, a counselor should (1) take a genuine and
compassionate interest in him; (2) listen to and try to understand him; and (3)
try to get to know what he is like. In other words, a counselor should show
genuine interest and concern in the person.
When talking to a dying person, a counselor should remember that he is also a
living person; he has convictions, interests, hobbies, talents, and
idiosyncrasies. The dying person is really no different than those who are well;
in a sense, all of us are dying, but we just don't know the timetable. But those
who do know frequently want to tank about their own illness and impending
death.
If the person wants to talk about death, avoid talking about your own
theological theories of death unless they are asked for. Be willing to
listen to the person's own interpretation of what he is facing. As you talk to
him, find out what he would like to do, now and in the future. Encourage him to
share the decisions he is making. Decision-making is a sign of mental health. It
means that the person is exercising some control over his life.
Children can often help a dying person remember that he is loved. Children
are often uninhibited by our adult fears. Touch is an important part of helping
a dying person, and children give touch without self-consciousness. (Unless the
dying person has a contagious disease, he will do no harm to the child.)
After a Person Dies
Here is a checklist of matters to be taken care of after someone dies.
__Contact bishop. Name: _________________________________
__Decide on time and place for funeral services.
__Make arrangements according to your decision.
__Make a list of family, colleagues, close friends, and employers to be
notified by phone.
__Notify each.
__Purchase cemetery lot.
__Decide on appropriate institutions to which gifts may be sent (if in place
of flowers).
__Write the obituary notice: include name, age, place of birth, cause of
death, occupation, college degree, club memberships, military service,
outstanding church and community work, survivors in the immediate family, time
and place of service, selected memorial.
__Deliver obituary to newspapers.
__Identify insurance companies.
__Notify them.
__Identify lawyer or executor.
__Notify each.
__Check on will and safety deposit box. Location: _________________
__Arrange for close friends or family members to take turns answering the
phone and the door, keeping a careful record of callers.
__Arrange for necessary child care.
__Coordinate supply and preparation of food for several days.
__Consider special household needs—laundry, cleaning, preparations for
family and guests to be done by friends and neighbors.
__Arrange other hospitality for visiting relatives.
__Select pall bearers; select honor guards, when appropriate.
__Notify them.
__Arrange for disposition of flowers, if any, to area hospitals, rest homes,
churches, weddings, shut-in friends.
__Prepare a list of distant persons to be notified by letter or printed
notice, and delegate notification responsibilities.
__Send them.
__Check current cash resources.
__Check life and casualty insurance and death benefits, including Social
Security, credit union, trade union, fraternal organizations, military benefits,
and so on. Check also for income for survivors from these sources.
__Check debts and installment payments. Some may carry insurance clauses. If
there is to be a delay in meeting payments, consult with creditors and ask for
time before payments are due.
Death sometimes creates stress and conflict in families. Decisions must be
made, and family members often have differing opinions. Some of these stressful
areas or topics are
1. Type of body disposition (burial, cremation, etc.)
2. Place of body disposition.
3. If there is a burial, should there be an open or closed casket?
4. Should mild sedatives be prescribed for survivors at the time of mourning
to ease the pain and shock of the loss?
5. To what degree will children participate in the funeral or mourning
rituals?
6. Should expensive jewelry (rings, watches, etc.) remain with the deceased?
7. When and in what manner will the estate or personal belongings of the
deceased be transferred to the survivors? Who will be responsible for seeing
this done?
These and other controversial topics should ideally be discussed before the
death of the family member or friend, and his suggestions should be considered
in making these decisions.
How to Talk to the Bereaved
Following are suggestions of what one should avoid saying to the bereaved.
Included are reasons why these phrases might be inappropriate.
"I've been through this myself." (The bereaved really aren't
interested in anyone else's suffering at this time.)
"Death was a mercy." (How do we know if the death was a mercy. It
may not be to the bereaved.)
"It was all for the best." (According to whom?)
"It was God's will." (We don't know if God wills everything.)
"You're young, you have your life ahead of you. There will be time for
you to remarry," or "to have other children." (The person is not
interested in those things at this time.)
"You know you're going to feel worse before you feel better." (That
may be true, but they don't need you to tell them.)
"Don't cry about it; pray about it." (Tears can be a genuine
expression of loss, and the bereaved may not feel like praying at that moment.)
"Others have had it worse." (Does that diminish their own sorrow?)
"You'll feel better next month." (The bereaved don't need this kind
of cheering up.)
What could you say to the bereaved? Your presence alone communicates your
concern, and often the best thing to do is just to listen, encourage the
bereaved to talk, and reminisce with them. A handshake or embrace can also
convey sympathy. You need not make a lengthy speech, but simply acknowledge the
loss with statements like "I am sorry about John" or "I extend my
sympathy." You could also share what the deceased means to you.
The Condolence Call
From James 1:27 we learn that "pure religion and undefiled before God
and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their
affliction." Follow-up visits, as well as initial condolence calls and
letters, are necessary after the funeral. It seems that when the funeral is
over, the bereaved are forgotten. This should not be. Those who have lost a
loved one need to know that they are still loved and have not been abandoned.
Even when the bereaved have much sorrow they know who visits them. Your
presence, even for a few minutes, lets them know that you are their friend and
you have not forgotten them.
What to Do When Someone Dies Note
1. Earl A. Grollman, Concerning Death: A Practical Guide for the Living (Boston:
Beacon Press, 1974), pp. 282-86.
Suggested Readings
Brent A. Barlow, editor and author, Understanding Death (Salt Lake
City: Deseret Book Co., 1979).
Douglas and Jewel Beardall, Death and the LDS Family—Dealing with Death
and Dying (Provo, Utah: LDS Book Publications, 1979).
Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre, The Birth That We Call Death (Salt
Lake City: Bookcraft, 1976).
Earl A. Grollman, Concerning Death: A Practical Guide for the Living (Boston:
Beacon Press, 1974).
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan
Publishing Co., 1969).
Spencer J. Palmer, Deity and Death (Provo, Utah: Brigham Young
University Press, 1978).
About the Coauthor
Jolayne Wilson, a graduate of Brigham Young University in family sciences,
now resides in Salt Lake City.
