Parents are one of the best sources from which children learn about the
meaning of death. However, you may find yourself in a position where you must
teach a child other than your own about death, or you may need to instruct the
parents themselves.
Several years ago President Joseph F. Smith said, "Children are sure to
be brought into some acquaintanceship with the incident of death, even during
the kindergarten period; and it would be a great relief to the puzzled and
perplexed conditions of their minds if some intelligent statements of the reason
for death were made to them." fn
It is evident from President Smith's statement and from daily observation of
the Latter-day Saint child that the child is constantly learning about death.
Many children's stories, at least in the original versions, have death themes,
including "Snow White," "Little Red Riding Hood," and
"The Three Little Pigs." In addition, some children's songs
("Rock-a-Bye Baby") and rhymes ("Humpty Dumpty") may be
interpreted by children to contain death incidents. Contemporary children differ
from children of previous generations in that many of them watch a great deal of
television, which deals heavily with death and death-related incidents. Many
children watch television about six hours every day, which is 50 percent more
time than they spend in school. Watching television is the second largest
activity in many children's lives, second only to sleep. On any given night (or
day), a child can see several deaths on television. He may see literally
hundreds and even thousands by the time he reaches adulthood. Questions are now
being raised about the numerous, quick, synthetic deaths children observe on
television or in the movies. Tonight's villain is killed only to appear next
week on another program in another role, thereby assuring the child that death
is a temporary, emotionless event.
President Joseph F. Smith also observed:
It is a principle widely accepted that it is not desirable to teach these
little ones those things that are horrifying to childish natures. And what may
be said of children is equally true in all stages of student life. But death is
not an unmixed horror. With it are associated some of the profoundest and most
important truths of human life. Although painful in the extreme to those who
must suffer the departure of dear ones, death is one of the grandest blessings
in divine economy; and we think children should be taught something of its
true meaning as early in life as possible. fn
It has recently been noted that children have differing views of death at
certain age levels. In general, few children under the age of three have much
comprehension of death, other than being separated. They are mostly concerned
about someone caring for their physical, and to some degree emotional, needs.
When children experience the death of a loved one, they need to be assured
verbally and perhaps by touch that there are others who still love them and will
care for them. Between the ages of about three and six, most children begin to
understand death as a separation, but they often perceive it to be temporary or
reversible, as when Prince Charming kisses Snow White and awakens her from her
"sleep." Children during these ages can "kill" each other
while playing cops and robbers because of the temporary nature of death. From
the age of six to about eight or nine, children begin to understand the
significance of death for others and the permanence of death during mortality.
At about the age of nine, most children begin to realize the reality of their
own death.
Several books and articles have recently been written with suggestions for
explaining death to children. The following general guidelines have been
condensed (and modified, in some instances) for use by Latter-day Saint parents:
1. Parents should explain that all living things die. This can be easily
observed with plants, pets, or any living thing with which the child is
acquainted.
2. Parents should discuss death with children before someone they love dies.
Much of death education occurs after the event. It would be helpful for most
children to discuss death not only when it occurs but also at a time when they
are not experiencing the loss of a loved one.
3. Parents should explain the permanence of death as far as mortality is
concerned. Although there have been instances where deceased parents or family
members appeared as spirits to mortals, it would be questionable to teach
children to anticipate such an event with any degree of certainty. Once someone
dies, it is probable that we will not see that person again during this life.
4. Parents should use caution in making analogies about death. Telling a
child, for example, that "Grandpa is taking a long journey" may be
confusing, since people who go on long journeys often return. Also, telling a
child that a dead person is asleep is objectionable because most sleeping people
awake.
5. Parents should be careful in giving reasons for death. "Grandma cried
because she was sick" may be an inadequate answer, since it may cause an
unrealistic fear of sickness. Not all sick people die. Saying, "He died
because he went to the hospital" may cause undue fear of hospitals, and not
all people who go to the hospital die. Another commonly given reason is,
"Grandmother died because she was 'old."' What is "old" to a
child? It may be anyone fifteen years older than the child. A simple statement
such as "Grandmother died because her body (or parts of it, such as her
heart) ceased to function" may prove to be an adequate response to a
child's inquiry as to "why Grandmother died." Parents should be
honest, brief, and matter-of-fact in explaining death to children.
6. One of the most difficult aspects of death education is explaining the
theological implications of death. While our Heavenly Father could have been
directly or indirectly involved in causing a death, and this belief may be
consoling to an adult, it is often a difficult phenomenon for a child to
understand. A son, for instance, may wonder why his father was "needed on
the other side" when he may also have a great need for his father.
7. Children, particularly after age six or seven, should be allowed but not
forced to participate in mourning and in the funeral. Children, as do others,
need to work through their own grief and should be allowed, if they desire, to
participate in the social and public ceremonies at the time of death. If a child
at any age chooses not to participate in the funeral or public mourning, he
should not be made to feel guilty or that he has "let the family
down."
8. Parents should do all they can to alleviate any guilt a child may feel at
the time of death. Many children feel responsible for a death because they acted
"bad" and feel they are therefore being punished. If such feelings are
carried to excess, such children may need professional attention. If a death,
say of a grandparent, is equally difficult for all family members, parents may
find it helpful to have another adult, a neighbor or relative, tend or be with
the child during the early stages of bereavement or during the funeral so the
child will not feel ignored.
9. Parents should discuss death with their children sometime after the
children have experienced the loss of a loved one or a pet. By agreeing to
discuss death again at another time, death education becomes a continuing
process, not an isolated event.
10. Initially, parents should not discuss with children their own death or
that of immediate family members. It would probably be more helpful at the
beginning to have general discussions about death (1) as a normal process of
life, (2) of all living things, and (3) of other people with whom the child is
not so intimately or emotionally involved. Discussions of the child's death or
that of parents, brothers, or sisters would best follow at other appropriate
times.
11. Parents should explain to children that everyone has a body that
eventually dies and a spirit that never dies. It is essential that children
understand this as early as possible. Without such an explanation, it may be
extremely confusing to a child to watch her deceased uncle being buried and then
to be told, "Uncle Jim is now in heaven."
12. Parents should teach their children that there is a life after death and
that they will someday be reunited with those they love.
13. Parents should teach their children the reality of the death and
resurrection of Jesus Christ. President Joseph F. Smith stated:
No explanation of death to a child's mind can anywhere be found that is more
simple and convincing than is the death of our Master, connected as it is and
ever must be with the glorious resurrection. . . . We are born that we may put
on mortality, that is, that we may clothe our spirits with a body. Such a
blessing is the first step toward an immortal body, and the second step is
death. Death lies along the road of eternal progress; and though hard to bear,
no one who believes in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and especially in the
resurrection, would have it otherwise. Children should be taught early in life
that death is really a necessity as well as a blessing, and that we would not
and could not be satisfied and supremely happy without it. Upon the crucifixion
and the resurrection of Jesus, one of the grandest principles of the gospel
depends. If children were taught this early in life, death would not have the
horrifying influence that it does have over many childish minds. fn
Explaining Death to Children: Notes
1. Juvenile Instructor 40 (June 1905): 336.
2. Ibid., italics added.
3. Ibid.
About the Author
Dr. Brent Barlow, associate professor in the Department of Family Sciences at
Brigham Young University, received his bachelor's and master's degrees from
Brigham Young University and his Ph.D. from Florida State University. He has
taught marriage and family classes at Florida State University; at Southern
Illinois University, where he received the Outstanding Teaching Award; and at
the University of Wisconsin—Stout, where he received the Distinguished
Teaching Award. He writes a weekly column on marriage for the Deseret News, is
the editor of Understanding Death, and has written two books on marriage,
What Wives Expect of Husbands and What Husbands Expect of Wives, all
from Deseret Book.
He is a member of the National Council on Family Relations, a member of the
Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and a clinical member of
the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Dr. Barlow has served in the Church as a Gospel Doctrine teacher, a branch
president, a bishop's counselor, a high councilor, and a member of the Church
curriculum committee that wrote Foundations for Temple Marriage, the
manual used in temple preparation classes.
He and his wife, Susan, are the parents of six children.
