Fundamental to successful marriage counseling is the belief that progress is possible with any couple. When you don't believe change is possible, it is time to do something other than counsel the couple. You could refer them to professional help, of course, or you could simply acknowledge that you believe you have nothing to offer.

        Fortunately, many options are available to pursue before your personal and spiritual resources are exhausted. There are numerous steps, conditions, and strategies to consider before you get to the end of your rope.

        In counseling a couple, you must have faith that change can occur. You need not be professionally trained to exercise faith. Nor must you be licensed to hold before a couple, however dark their despair, the hope that they can overcome their problems.

        In most cases where the marriage relationship seems to be the problem, you cannot even begin to suggest solutions until the couple attend the counseling sessions together. This does not mean that one person cannot be taught, but it does mean if one partner in a marriage is deeply troubled about the relationship, involving the other partner is fundamental to solving their relationship problems.

Counselor: What do you hope our time together will accomplish?

Husband: I don't know. She's the one who is upset and drag—uh—wanted us to come.

Wife (looking at husband): Maybe you had better tell him why I get upset.

Husband: You're a big girl, you tell him.

Wife: Oh, you never want to help with anything, do you?

Husband: (Exhales slowly.)

Wife: We just don't seem to get along, we—

Husband: She just doesn't like the fact that I'd rather be in the bowling league once a month than stay home with her every night.

Wife: Is that what you think? Well, you can go bowling every night if you want. Don't let me keep you around your own house and your own kids.

Counselor: I'm willing to have either one of you tell me, before we go any further, what you would like the future to be like. I'd rather have you look ahead to some goal or dream.

Wife: I don't know if I have any dreams anymore. (Glances at husband.)

Husband: (Exhales slowly.)

        Negativism, veiled put-downs, reined resentment, accusations, martyr-like complaints, and superiority through silence are reasonable descriptions of the "mood" of this couple. Notice that this couple has used the lay counselor's two invitations to identity a hope or goal to "get at" each other. It is usually safe to assume that even in this brief conversation, the couple has revealed a pattern and theme of their interaction at home.

        So what do you do? There are two things you ought not to do: (1) Do not listen to rehearsals of the two sides of their story; and (2) do not sketch for this couple reminders of what it means to be one in marriage or note what they ought to be like. Most couples who are this accusatory have magnified their problems to the point that it affects almost every aspect of their lives. Moreover, each partner is usually blind to his role in fueling the fires of hostility and destructiveness. Consequently, if you intervene and ask them to "tell their story" in an orderly way (by taking turns, for example), you may formalize and legitimize the hostile and destructive interactions you have already witnessed.

        Likewise, when people are having marital difficulties, the experience of being "one" in marriage is foreign to them. Even though they are seeking help, they do not correctly imagine how they would feel or what their life would be like if they were free of their problems. Therefore, your suggestions may be seen by the people in distress as unrealistic fantasies.

Whose Responsibility Is the Problem?

This couple have avoided taking responsibility for a solution to their problem. They may not know what their problem is or what the possible solutions are, but that does not make it impossible for them to ponder both causes and consequences of their behavior. The counselor's goal is to place responsibility for the healing of their marriage on their shoulders. This will help bring the oneness in their relationship that now seems an unlikely option.

How do you place responsibility? Here are some suggestions:

        1. Give direct instruction. Explain that whatever new behaviors or changes the couple wants, both the responsibility for and the power to achieve them are in their hands.

        Counselor: I've asked you a couple of times to share with me a goal or direction you wish to pursue, but you have done something else. What is it you wish me to understand about your coming here? (This is another invitation to focus on the issues.)

        I believe you have the ability to work this out, but right now you seem to be using your ability to hurt rather than help each other. (Explain your belief in their capacity to improve.)

        If I listen to the complaints each of you has right now, what am I supposed to do, choose sides? It almost looks as if you want me to be a referee instead of a counselor. (This is a description of what might be the outcome of listening to complaints. Making a statement like this followed by silence leaves the ball in their court. It is now their responsibility to initiate something.)

        2. Teach principles of righteous living Sometimes people understand their responsibility if they are reminded of some truth they claim to believe in.

Counselor: Do you believe in agency—the power in you to meet challenges that come your way?

Couple: Yes.

Counselor: Are there also some moral truths you believe in?

Couple: I guess so.

Counselor: Then could we proceed in this way? If each of you were to accept the idea that you could do some things differently to help improve your relationship, then we could tackle first things first. Each of you, no matter what the wrongs of the other against you might be, could focus on what you could do, rather than on what the other has done.

Couple: But what if I change and my partner doesn't?

Counselor: What if each of you demands that the other change before you do? What then? (There will be no change.)

        By the way, the only kind of change I'm talking about right now is that you exercise your agency to live by things you believe in.

        Let's consider what might have happened if the answer to the first question—"Do you believe in agency?"—had been negative.

Couple: Yes, I believe in agency, but a person can take only so much.

Counselor: In other words, your partner's insensitivities or sins have made it impossible for you to meet life, to change, or to be happy?

Couple: Well . . .

Counselor: If you really are trapped by each other, what hope is there for either of you? Wasn't seeking help or coming here something you did on your own?

Husband: Well, yes, but she put a lot of pressure on me.

Counselor: What I am getting at is this: I believe you have the power to have your marriage be different. If you don't believe that, coming here is futile, because I can only invite you to examine your hearts. If you are not willing to look, what will we accomplish?

        Teaching principles (like personal responsibility) is important because it is your way of bringing a couple face to face with possibilities. It also often reveals inconsistencies or flaws in the way they see their current situation.

        3. Invite obedience to what they believe. There is a difference between what people believe in and what they insist on when they are taking offense from their partner. In the initial dialogue, it was shown that the couple was more interested in baiting each other than in addressing the issue they supposedly came to resolve.

        In placing responsibility, you are sowing seeds of change in the proper field. In teaching principles, you are establishing a foundation for mutual action. In inviting obedience, you are asking the couple to focus on their own responsibilities, sometimes even in spite of what each person is doing. You need not hide what you are doing from the couple, and you could share with them any ground rules you wish to abide by. For example:

        Counselor: This may not be what you expected, but I would like to institute the Golden Rule here in our discussions. That is, I would like all of us to treat each other as we would like to be treated.

        When you as a counselor move along these lines, you set the stage for success. All three of these recommendations (place responsibility, teach principles, and invite obedience) strike at the heart of any matter. In addition, you establish a mood and atmosphere in which the counseling can proceed, which is itself a model of the kind of atmosphere necessary for this couple to resolve difficulties on their own. An hour discussing disagreements, misunderstandings—even past hostilities—in a spirit guided by the Golden Rule may not be an overnight cure, but it is a powerful live demonstration of another way to live.

        That is why I have suggested that in a context of love and faith you establish general boundaries for the counseling. These boundaries are actually a way of establishing a starting point for change. The couples you help must have a willingness to ponder, to take personal responsibility, and to have a forgiving heart, a repentant spirit, a confessing soul. Sometimes establishing this beginning can take weeks. But persist! Until the couple gives up their destructive attitudes, you can do little to help them. To give up such destructive feelings does not mean to express, vent, control, or stifle them. It means to give them up. When people think that such feelings cannot be given up, they are limiting the success of the counseling sessions.

        Negative, nonproductive, hateful feelings can be given up, even though the person feeling them might laugh at such an idea. Only after the feelings have been given up is it completely evident that they can be. Ruptures in marriages can he healed, but healing them starts with compassionately confronting the attitudes by which couples make enemies of one another.

        Here's an example. Let's suppose that the "reason" Julie is hesitant to give compliments to her husband is "because" her own father mistreated her, or "because" her husband does not appreciate her. If this analysis is correct, then Julie is seen as a victim, either of her father's treatment of her or of her husband's current attitude. Since her father is present only in her past, we turn to her husband with the idea of teaching him to be more appreciative of her. We explain her "need" for his approval. He complains that he could be more appreciative of her if only she would quit being so impatient and negative with the children. He agrees to "try" to praise her, but confides that this is going to require some energy and searching of her behavior to find something praiseworthy. He also explains how afraid he always was of his mother, who spoke to her children harshly.

        In other words, we have a husband and wife who see their behavior as the result of what is being "done unto them" by the other. "If only he were more appreciative, I could then relate to him," thinks Julie. "If only she weren't so negative, I would, of course, be able to reward her," thinks Phil. Each believes himself to be a victim of the other. Each is trapped. Each thinks he or she is forced, by the other's behavior, to feel and do what he or she is doing and feeling.

        What do we accomplish with such a couple if we explain their behavior to them by using their own perspective? We justify their actions and agree to their helplessness. Especially if we promote the notion that they are victims of their parents' behavior do we then become part of the problem. Then we see them as victims of their past, rather than as agents who could be free of whatever negative experiences might have been theirs.

        There is a second reason not to spend time on extensive analyses or explanations. By teaching a couple to be analytical about each other, we may be inviting them to see each other as objects, to look for hidden motives, to second-guess the "meaning" behind their mate's behavior in ways that encourage them to stay apart.

        Similarly, however unappreciative this husband might be, he can remember his times of freely giving and caring. By considering the difference in his relationship with his wife when he is appreciative, he can imagine the world of experience he would like to live in with her.

        Sometimes marriage partners examine their own attitudes as a way of showing that their attitudes are not their fault. They insist that they are trapped by what their partner is like. Again, if they are right, if they really are trapped, what hope is there for change?

        We cannot decide what others are going to do, but we can decide what we are going to do. If a feuding couple will not accept this idea, they will persist in using their agency to insist that they have none.

        This stalemate means there will be no progress toward a solution of the couple's problems. For the couple who have been taught to find explanations or "reasons" for their feelings, it means a justification of their problem, not an escape from it.

        The wife in our example may begin thinking about her husband in this way: He just can't relate to women, given what his mother was like. I don't know what I'm going to do. If that's who he is, that's who he is."

        The husband, of course, may be thinking, "She just doesn't have the constitution to handle children. Boy, it's going to be a tense fifteen more years."

Contrast these attitudes with these alternatives:

Wife: I will be my best. If I stumble, I stumble, but I can always keep trying. Besides, I know I don't have to take offense at what he does.

Husband: I guess sometimes things don't go well with her. I wonder if there is anything I could do to help when I come home?

        The truth is, we cannot make people change. So the obvious question is, how do we move people from their negative attitudes to more caring ones? We can invite them to do so, we can sketch the alternative way of living, but until people acknowledge their own role in their difficulties, they will remain in them.

        Compassionate, understanding attitudes are what provide a foundation for solutions to the kinds of problems illustrated here, and those attitudes are the responsibility of the people who hold them. The alternative to diagnosing a couple, then, is to teach them general principles of relationships while placing responsibility for change on their shoulders.

        Let's assume that the couple has been dealing with an issue as if it were a "hot potato." That is, each makes a comment that throws responsibility on the partner to answer a question or disclose feelings. This may occur when a couple begins to answer one of your questions:

Husband (to wife): Well, why don't you go ahead?

Wife: No, that's okay—go on.

Husband: Well, I think you have stronger feelings about it.

Wife: But you're the one who thinks I'm not doing it right.

Husband: Yes, but he needs to have your point of view.

Wife: Maybe, but you go first; you brought us here.

        And so it goes. This is a pattern you could analyze if you wanted to, but a more effective way to help the couple would be to show them their pattern and let them tell you what it might mean. In practice, before you point out a pattern you would want the couple to show you more examples of this pattern than just this beginning dialogue.

Counselor: I've noticed a way that you two are cooperating that you may not be aware of.

Husband: What do you mean?

Counselor: I notice that each of you invites the other to speak first.

Wife: Well, maybe so, but so what?

Counselor: I'm not sure, but I'm wondering what that means to you. For example, if you two were trying to make a decision about something and this were the pattern you were using, how would you come to a decision?

Wife: I guess sometimes we do hesitate a long time.

Counselor: And that may be valuable, and you can talk about that after you leave here, but there is something else about this pattern that teaches me something about you—you cooperate very well to produce such a pattern. It could not exist without both of you "working at it," so to speak. In other words, I know you have the ability to cooperate. The question to consider may be "How often do you cooperate in positive or negative ways?"

Husband: Well, I don't see what this has to do with our problem.

Counselor: Maybe nothing. You'll have to think it out.

Husband: Then why are you telling us all this?

Counselor: So I can learn from you what you understand about yourselves.

Wife: Well, we don't know about these kinds of things.

Counselor: But you know enough about your own family to be able to discuss this with each other.

        When should you point out a pattern? Usually when you feel doing so would achieve the following purposes:

1. When the pattern you are observing is destructive to the couple's relationship.

2. When the couple's pattern is not addressing the appropriate issue (they come in to discuss finances and start moaning about the husband's unjust boss).

3. When the couple is united in blaming people or factors outside themselves for their troubles.

        It is important not to assign motives to the patterns you describe. That is just analysis again. Your goal is to help the couple see their own role in their problem and that they may be maintaining the problem through the ways they "cooperate."

Examining Beliefs
        If the couple does not agree on what marital commitment means and what beliefs partners in a marriage should have, counseling them may accomplish little. However, these beliefs do not necessarily have to be presented in the counseling sessions. They may be, but the most important examination of beliefs would be each marriage partner's reflection on his or her own commitments, values, and standards. This could be done through private reflection, personal journal writing, pondering and prayer, or talking with the marriage partner outside the counseling session.

        The purpose of examining beliefs is to clarify what the person's commitments are. For example, does Julie believe in the value of impatience as a way to deal with children, promote family unity, and so on? Does Phil really believe it right to withhold appreciation from his wife? These may seem like ridiculous questions to a couple who think their impatience or lack of appreciation is not their fault, but the issue is to acknowledge what the standard is, what the hope or dream for the future is. Sometimes, when a husband or wife is complaining about his or her mate, you can ask this, "Do you believe that what you are doing in this situation is right?" The person may not be able to give an answer, but it may only be necessary for the person to ponder the question to change his blaming or negative attitude. When people are feeling or behaving in ways they do not believe are right, little permanent change is likely until they give up what goes against what they believe. Suppose a woman is complaining about her alcoholic husband. Her rehearsal of his wrongs may be accurate—his disappearing for a day, his late-night stumbling through the door, his verbal abuse of the children. However, to help this woman deal effectively with her husband's problem, you must first make sure that she is not part of the problem.

        For example, imagine that this woman's discouragement becomes apparent to her friends. They try to buoy her up, to encourage her. At first she appreciates the love and concern of her friends. But as time passes, she becomes more and more dependent on their sympathy. This dependence, if it is to continue, requires that her husband continue in his problem. In other words, the woman is now dependent not only on her friends' support but on her husband's alcoholism. If so, she must give up her attitude, which helps maintain, not eliminate, her husband's problem. To solve the problem, she will have to adopt a new attitude toward him—compassion and concern (assuming this is what she believes is right). She will have to give up being a helpless victim of his wrongdoing. This may require firm behavior from her, including her refusal to "bail him out" of his self-produced miseries. However, such firmness may be a powerful act of love that invites him to become responsible. Her alternative—to sit back as a martyr and receive a perverse comfort from others—shows neither respect for herself nor love for her husband. In such a condition, the marriage is not a blessing to either partner.

Asking Questions    
        In a way, asking people what they believe is right is a measure of their willingness to learn from you and a sign of how honest they are willing to be. Asking such a question will either be accepted or resisted, but you may not know the outcome of asking the question until weeks have passed. Therefore, if your question does not seem to invite an honest reflection or personal searching, do not follow it up with more pushing or challenging questions. The value of the question consists, in part, in backing away after you have asked it. By asking the question, you have invited them to turn their attention to an issue more fundamental than their complaints. You have also placed the responsibility on their shoulders to examine other possible ways of seeing the situation.

        The question of what a couple believes is right is not the only question that could be asked. Here are some others:

1. "If your current problems were solved, what would your marriage be like for you?" This question invites the couple to imagine a future different from the present. Their answer may reveal important hopes or goals, but the most important clues for you are emotional ones. As they answer this question, do they have an attitude of hope? Do they agree at all regarding what their marriage would be like if it were in good condition? Are they somewhat determined to bring their expectations to pass?

2. "What strengths do you have as a couple that could be used to help you solve this problem?" Often, couples in conflict are so busy insisting how bad things are that they deny that their abilities could alter the situation. By shifting their concern from their problems or weaknesses to their strengths, they may identify a quality they can use in charting a different course.

3. "What do you believe I can do to help you? What do you imagine me doing?" This question is more than an attempt to assess their faith in you. It is an opportunity to discover how much they have thought about counseling and what their expectations are. It also gives you an opportunity to sketch for them what you believe about your role and about how change is possible. In short, examining beliefs is important so that each person focuses on his own commitment and behavior rather than complaining about the partner's behavior. This also helps each person examine his role in producing or maintaining the problem. Finally, it places responsibility on the couple to produce a solution or to be amenable to any additional guidance or knowledge you believe would help them.

Teaching Correct Principles
        Much of your contribution to solving marriage problems will come from your teaching of correct principles. The reason this chapter addressed attitudes and beliefs first is because the attitudes of a couple toward their own beliefs and commitments is the key to the quality of their marriage. It has already been illustrated that a destructive attitude is itself the biggest obstacle faced by a couple. It has also been shown that if people think their attitudes are not their responsibility, they will continue to suffer needlessly at the hands of their self-selected enemy. Without giving up such a point of view, hostile couples will continue in their hostility. If, after your attempts to teach the Golden Rule, the attitudes of the couple seem unchanged, you may have a couple whose attitude is accurately described by this verse: "For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift." (D&C 88:33.)

        In other words, when your attempt to give the gift of correct principles is resisted, the couple sees neither the value of your counsel nor your commitment as the giver. They see no value in the valuable. However, given the softening of a husband's heart, given the flicker of acknowledgment by a wife that she could be different, formal sharing of principles like compassion, repentance, forgiveness, sacrifice, or commitment can help. Notice that even these fundamentals flow more from the heart than from the head. In teaching these principles, it may be inappropriate to turn the counseling session into a long gospel discourse. On the other hand, a way to link a gospel ideal with the couple's circumstances is to ask them to do it.

        You could present a case study from the scriptures, giving the couple the responsibility to interpret it. Or you might simply ask what forgiveness or compassion means to them. Your goal is to link some gospel idea with an illustration or example and with the couple's own experiences. The couple who participates in the pondering and the discovery of the meanings of gospel truths is already taking responsibility to link theory with practice.

        This is another important reason to see the couple together. You then have a cooperative unit that can work on the problem. Often, a problem caused by a lack of knowledge can be addressed most effectively in two ways, from the two different perspectives of the marriage partners themselves.

        Obviously, much pondering, information gathering, honest sharing, prayer, and sometimes trial-and-error experiences are part of this seemingly simplistic set of suggestions. Nevertheless, these suggestions provide a structure on which the couple can hang their problems, examine them, and move toward solutions.

        If a couple proposes that their problem is sexual, resist the temptation to launch into medical explanations or recommendations. Look for problems of attitude. Ask them to discuss their general relationship. Look for clues of their level of compassion and mutual respect as they discuss anything from their hobbies to how they have decorated their home. If their discussion of such matters is done with warmth and reverence for each other, their sexual problem may be one in which additional knowledge about sexuality is needed. When a couple's feelings are harsh or distant, then an examination, reevaluation, and abandoning of such attitudes is necessary before it will be clear whether there even is a sexual problem. Emotional bonding and oneness is always a prerequisite to quality intimacy.

        Until a couple gives up the idea that their personal behaviors and goals are more important than their togetherness, they will perpetuate their problems, and they will not be one no matter how much outside intervention there may be. The basic truth is that the power is in the hands of the couple to solve their problems.

        Remember, because "the power is in [them]" to change, if they do change, it is their victory, not yours. And if they do not change, it is their tragedy, not yours, although you will rejoice in their progress or mourn their refusal to change.

        In referring a couple, you are suggesting another tool. The following questions will help you decide whether to refer a couple elsewhere:

1. Is there a lack of compassion on your part for the couple?

2. Are the hours this couple will require a just way to spend your time?

3. Is there any evidence of physical violence or of life-threatening behavior in the family?

4. Is it apparent that one member of the couple dislikes you, even after several meetings? (This should be confronted directly, for such an attitude may be given up, but referral may still be the proper course.)

5. Is the way a family member deals with reality bizarre, unpredictable, or dangerous?

6. Is it possible that some medical or other knowledge must be brought to bear on the problem?

7. Is there no progress or change in the couple?

Suggested Readings

Brent A. Barlow, What Husbands Expect of Wives (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1983).

———, What Wives Expect of Husbands (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1982).

Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage and Divorce (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1976).

C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce (New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1946; pb, 1978).

Neal A. Maxwell, That My Family Should Partake (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1974).

Terrance D. Olson, "The Compassionate Marriage Partner," Ensign 12 (August 1982): 14-17.

A. Lynn Scoresby, The Marriage Dialogue (Menlo Park, Ca.: Addison-Wesley, 1977).