EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS WITH CHILDREN

Listening Skills

“Open your ears that ye may hear and your hearts that ye may understand” Mosiah 2:9 

Elder Marvin Ashton said:

Listening is more than being quiet. Listening requires undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. The time to deal with a person with a problem is when he has the problem. The time to listen is the time when our interest and love are vital to the one who seeks our ear, our heart, our help and our empathy. We should all increase our ability to ask comfortable questions, and then listen--intently, naturally. Listening is a tied-in part of loving. (Ashton, 1976, see Appendix C)

Parents are wise to seek times for communication around pleasurable events and activities. If they have fun with their children, it will be easier to communicate in times of crisis. Parents need to allow children to express feelings freely without judging. If a child can talk openly about anger, hurt, fear or confusion; the child can have an appropriate outlet for emotions and will not be as likely to act out angry and negative feelings in misbehavior or to withdraw emotionally. Parents need to allow children to express different opinions from theirs. It is healthy for children to think independently. Parents can share their opinions and what works for them without insisting their children always think and feel as they do. Children are more likely to share their feelings and what’s really bothering them if they know they will be listened to, taken seriously and not judged for what they feel and think. If children are upset and a parent can listen empathetically, usually they will cairn down and be able to solve their own problems. 

Following are skills that facilitate effective listening:

Accepting, concerned silence--Sometimes just listening quietly and calmly with undivided attention to children helps them to get feelings out and feel better. Parents can communicate their interest and concern nonverbally by having eye contact, by the posture of their body or by the nod of their head.

Simple acknowledgments--Simple short statements such as: huh,” “I understand,” or “I see,” communicate recognition of what children are saying and encourages them to continue expressing how they feel.

Invite the child to speak--Statements such as: “I’d like to hear more about it,” “How do you feel,” or “I don’t fully understand,” open the door to communication and invite the child to talk more. Inviting the child to speak is different than prying and interrogating.

Summarizing--Listening carefully enough to children to be able to summarize what they say shows acceptance of them, builds confidence and greatly improves communication. Too often parents are trying to think of ways to refute what the child is saying, prepare a counter argument or give them a solution rather than listening to understand what the child is really saying. Summarizing also gives children feedback to know if they need to clarify or explain further. To summarize, parents can say, “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying. You said      (summarize)    or, “I hear you saying    (summarize)   

Reflective listening—This skill helps children get feedback to understand themselves more clearly. Reflective listening is accomplished by parents recognizing and describing the feelings that accompany what is being said and not just the verbal information given. For example, if a child comes home from school and says, “I hate school! I never want to go back,” a parent can reflect back the feeling by saying, “You seem upset with school,” or “You must have had a tough day.” If the child feels understood he will probably continue to express his feelings until he explains what the problem is. Parents need to resist the normal tendency to say, “ You shouldn’t feel that way, school is good for you.” That would probably cut off the communication so the parent would not know what is bothering the child and what the real problem is. People who are unskilled in recognizing and expressing feelings may have been raised with the notion that emotions are to be controlled and even hidden. As children, many people are taught not to cry, worry, be angry or to express negative emotions. Many have difficulty distinguishing between feelings and expressing them. People often express feelings nonverbally if they don’t express them verbally. Often the feeling behind a statement is more important than what is actually said. Recognizing, describing and labeling feelings expressed by children increases their self-awareness and broadens their understanding and the parent’s understanding. Deeper, more meaningful communication and emotional health are fostered by reflective listening.

To listen reflectively, parents need to first decide what the child is feeling and then put it in a sentence like; “You seem frustrated with your teacher,” “It sounds like you’re really upset with your friend,” “ or “You seem angry at me.” When children have problems, if a parent listens and they feel understood, children will probably continue to discuss their concerns until they calm down and can solve their own problems.

Expressing Feelings

“Be willing to communicate.” I Timothy 6:18

“Provoke not your children to anger lest they become discouraged.” Colossians 3:21

Honest expression of feelings brings people closer together and helps them understand each other. Parents need to learn to express their feelings, both positive and negative, to their children in a way that does not damage their feelings of self-worth.

A constructive way to express our feelings is to use “I” messages instead of “You” messages. “You” messages blame the other person for our feelings and attack, label or condemn. For example, when parents say, “You make me so angry,” “You’re so rude and thoughtless to keep me waiting,” or “You’re so lazy! You never finish your jobs,” they are accusing and labeling the other person. This method will generally cause the child to become hurt and withdrawn or defensive and hostile and does not solve the problem. In contrast, when parents use an “I” message, they take responsibility for their own feelings, state how the child’s behavior affects them, explain the reasons why and then state what they would like the child to do differently.

“I” messages consist of four parts: 

•     “When you”--Describe the behavior, events or situation in a non-judgmental way. 

•     “I feel”—Parents honestly state how the situation effects them and how they feel. 

•     “Because”—Parents state the reason the behavior or situation interferes with their desires. 

•     “I would like “--Parents say what they would like done. 

These parts can be expressed in a different order, but it’s important to include all the parts to be effective in changing the child’s behavior. 

Examples of “I” messages:

“When I’m trying to talk on the phone and you’re making noise, I’m upset because I can’t hear the other person. I want you to be quiet so I can hear.”

“When you leave the gate open, I’m afraid the baby will get out into the street and get hurt. I would like you to always close the gate.”

The advantages of “I” messages are that: they allow parents to say how they feel about the child’s behavior without blaming or labeling the child or undermining feelings of self-worth, they are expressed in a non-threatening way so the child does not become defensive, they convey clearly to the child one consequence of the child’s behavior (the parent’s feelings), and they give the child the opportunity to correct the behavior without further consequences.

An “I” message is a first-line attempt to solve a problem. If the desired change does not occur after using the “I” message, then parents can use logical consequences (see pages 14-16) or the problem-solving steps (see page 13-14).

“I” messages are also an effective way to give positive feedback to a child. Use the first three parts of the “I” message. The fourth part “I would like” is not necessary because the child is doing what the parent wants already. Specific, positive feedback about how the child benefits the family build feelings of self-worth, of feeling capable and responsible. Examples are: “John, I really appreciate your cleaning the garage. It looks great and now I can get the car in easier.” “When you do your chores before watching TV, I feel happy and I can relax and enjoy the clean house. I’m glad I can depend on you to do your part.” “I appreciate you being home on time. I feel good about letting you take the car when I know you will be here in time to take Dad to his meeting.”

Problem-solving Steps

“How important it is to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable.” (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, 1976)

The problem-solving steps which follow can be used by two or more people in the family to develop a solution all can agree upon. This method can be used one on one with a child or in the family council to develop plans and solve problems (see page 17 on Family Councils.)

Step 1: Setting the Stage--Choose at time when things are not pressing and a place where you can have privacy and be free from distractions.

Step 2: Defining the Problem--The family members involved express how they feel and what their needs are by using “I” messages. They use listening skills to understand what the other person (or people) feel and need.

Step 3: Generating Possible Solutions (Brainstorming)--All family members involved share as many solutions as possible without judging them. Respecting every members’ contribution is important. It helps to write down all the ideas.

Step 4: Evaluating the Possible Solutions--Discuss each possibility generated in Step 3 and choose the one that all can freely agree upon. Family members should avoid arguing or manipulating to try to get their point of view.

Step 5: Planning and Implementing—Plan the details of the solution, including what each member will do then implement the plan. Members can write down the details of the plan if needed.

Step 6: Evaluating the Situation--Set up a time when the members involved can meet together again to discuss how the plan is working and whether it needs to be modified or if a new solution needs to be tried. If a new solution is needed, repeat the six steps.

Parents show trust for their children and build their self-worth by involving them in the problem-solving process, instead of imposing their own ideas or solutions on them. Family members are more likely to cooperate and carry through on a plan which they helped to formulate and agreed upon.

DISCIPLINING BY CONSEQUENCES

“Speak to them kindly...you can’t drive them; they won’t be driven...This is not the way that God intended in the beginning to deal with His children by force... You can’t force your boys, nor your girls into heaven. You may force them to hell by using harsh means in an effort to make them good.” (President Joseph F. Smith, 1919)

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge.” Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-42

The purpose of effective discipline is to teach children good social behavior, responsibility, and to help children develop self-control. Parents often confuse discipline with punishment. Punishment often has the opposite results than what the parent wants. Spanking, blaming, belittling, yelling, threatening, slapping, scolding, name-calling, and using sarcasm are methods of punishment which are generally ineffective. They may have a short-term effect of subduing the child temporarily, but the misbehavior will probably continue later and might worsen.

Parenting methods generally can be categorized into one of the following:

      •     The “Unrighteous Dominion” Method--punishment
            characterized by over-control or limits without freedom. 

•     The Permissive Method--characterized by lack of restraints or freedom without limits. 

•     The Growth and Responsibility Method--characterized by respect for laws and the rights of others or freedom within limits (Adapted from Popkin, 1983)

The most effective parenting style in guiding children is the Growth and Responsibility Method. Joint problem-solving with children, good communication skills and providing consequences use this method.

Natural consequences are when the parents allow the consequences that naturally result from children’s behavior to occur without interfering, thus, children learn from their own mistakes. For example, if a child loses a favorite toy, it is not replaced by the parents; and if children forget their school lunch or homework, they suffer the consequences at school. If the child is in danger, the parent should not allow the natural consequences to occur, but needs to intervene.

Logical consequences are when the parents structure the environment so that their children experience the reasonable and logical impact of their negative behavior. For example, when a child won’t eat what is on his plate for dinner, the table is cleared when the family is through eating and the child doesn’t get anything to eat until the next meal. Another example is if the children are fighting and arguing in the car, the parent can pull over to the side of the road without saying anything and wait until the fighting is over to continue. The children take full responsibility for making peace in the car. 

In applying logical consequences, the following principles should be used: 

•     The child must be given a choice, either to discontinue the misbehavior or to suffer the consequences. 

•     The consequences should be closely related to the offensive behavior or it may appear to be arbitrary punishment. 

•     The consequences should be carried out calmly, consistently and firmly, but with no scolding, arguing, anger or ridicule from the parents or it will become a punishing interaction. 

•     A statement of encouragement and love should follow and the child should be given the chance to try again.

The advantages of using consequences in disciplining children, instead of using punishment are:

•     Consequences teach children responsibility for their own actions. They cannot blame their parents; they choose the consequences by choosing the behavior. They learn by experience. 

•     Using consequences, a good relationship between the parent and child can be maintained. A punished child often feels hostile and resentful toward the parent and might rebel or try to get even or take out hostile feelings on others. 

•     The child’s self-worth is not attacked using consequences. The child is not humiliated, labeled or judged; but simply receives the consequence of the behavior. A punished child usually feels worthless, bad or inferior. 

•     Parents who punish serve as models to their children and teach them by example to punish others when they disagree or want them to change by yelling, hitting, name-calling, blaming or other methods the parents use.

FAMILY COUNCILS

Much family friction can be avoided and cooperation can be gained by establishing family councils in which all members participate in discussing problems and arriving at family decisions regarding work, play and concerns. These meetings are in addition to the weekly Family Home Evening. An atmosphere of listening, honest communication and respect for the opinions and feelings of others is vital to the success of these meetings. Even the youngest members should be included and asked for their opinions. A family council is based on principles of cooperation, mutual respect and trust. If parents use the family council as a way to control their children, then it won’t work.

Suggested Operating Procedures: 

•     Children are invited to participate, not forced to. The decisions made apply to all family members whether or not they attend.

•     Parents should model the communication skills of reflective listening, “I” messages and problem-solving so the children can learn effective ways to communicate.

•     Parents announce that a family decision is necessary to solve a problem--that they wish to consider the opinions and viewpoints of all family members to arrive at a good decision that will benefit everyone.

•     At first it may be advisable to tackle only the minor problems of the family or to plan recreational activities. Later, when members become familiar with the group process, more complex problems can be presented and discussed.

•     The ideas and opinions of all members are solicited for consideration. No one is criticized or ridiculed, no matter how impractical or absurd the ideas may sound.

•     The family council is not a “gripe” session, but a resource for solving problems.

•     Issues are not put up for a vote. Decisions must be reached through persuasion and agreement, not through political power. Parents still have the final word in financial matters and other decisions where parents’ greater experience in life is a critical factor. However, parents should listen carefully and sincerely to the views and feelings of everyone. Conferring is encouraged. 

•     Meetings can be called spontaneously or scheduled weekly, as members may agree. Chairmanship can rotate with a different member being chairman each meeting. The chairman’s main job is to encourage every member to participate. Family members can also take turns acting as secretary to the meeting.

•     Ideas or suggestions are best posed in the form of a question such as, “Do you suppose we could...? “What do you think of...? or “What can we do to improve this situation?”

•     Even if at first the family councils do not seem effective, keep trying. Sometimes children must test the concept before they take the meetings seriously and cooperate.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

A Parent’s Guide, Published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, 1985.

Bettner, Betty Lou and Amy Lew, Raising Kids Who Can and Leader’s Guide, Harper Collins Publishers, Inc., New York, 1989.

Cline, Foster and Jim Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic, Pinion

Press, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 1990.

Dinkmeyer, Don and Gary McKay, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, American Guidance Service, Circle Pines, Minnesota, 1997.

Dreikurs, Rudolf, Children: The Challenge, Hawthorn Books, Inc., New York, 1964.

Faust, James E., “The Greatest Challenge in the World—Good Parenting,” Ensign. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, November 1990.

Glen, Stephen and Jane Nelson, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, Prima Publishing and Communications, Rocklin, California, 1989.

Hinckley, Gordon B., “Save the Children,” Ensign, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Salt Lake City, November 1994.

Lee, Harold B., Ensign, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day

Saints, Salt Lake City, July 1973, p. 123.

Mize, Jacquelyn, Parent Education Program, Auburn University, Alabama, 1995.

Popkin, Michael, Active Parenting, Harper & Row Publishers, San Francisco, California, 1987.

Smith, Joseph F., Gospel Doctrine, Deseret Book Company, Salt Lake City, 1919, pp. 3 16-317.

APPENDICES

Appendix A

THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal. mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit Sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally. 

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. 

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” 

(Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. 

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that

the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. 

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at
the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Appendix B

Amy Lew, Ph.D.• 10 Langley Rd. Ste. 200’ Newton Centre, MA 02159 6 17/332-3220 Fax: 617/332-7863 Betty Lou Bettner Ph.D. • 1 Old State Rd. Media, PA 19063• 6l0/56&1004 . Fax: 610/566-1004

Appendix C

Family Communications

By Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles

Some weeks ago a bewildered father asked, “Why is it I seem to be able to communicate with everyone except my own son?”

I responded with, “What do you mean you can’t communicate with your son?”

It’s just that whenever I try to tell him anything, he tunes me out,” he replied. 

Family communication

During our private discussion which followed, and very often since, I have concluded that perhaps one of the principal reasons we fail to relate appropriately with family members is because we fail to apply some basics of personal communications. In Hebrews 13:16 we read, “But to do good and to communicate forget not; for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” Communications in the family will often be a sacrifice because we are expected to use our time, our means, our talent, and our patience to impart, share, and understand. Too often we use communication periods as occasions to tell, dictate, plead, or threaten. Nowhere in the broadest sense should communication in the family be used to impose, command, or embarrass.

To be effective, family communication must be an exchange of feelings and information. Doors of communication will swing open in the home if members will realize time and participation on the part of all are necessary ingredients. In family discussions, differences should not be ignored, but should be weighed and evaluated calmly. One’s point or opinion usually is not as important as a healthy, continuing relationship. Courtesy and respect in listening and responding during discussions are basic in proper dialogue. As we learn to participate together in meaningful associations, we are able to convey our thoughts of love, dependence, and interest When we are inclined to give up in despair in our efforts to communicate because other family members have failed to respond, perhaps we would do well not to give up, but rather to give and take in our conversations. How important it is to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable. How important it is to have discussion periods ahead of decisions. Jones Stephens wrote, “I have learned that the head does not hear anything until the heart has listened, and that what the heart knows today the head will understand tomorrow.”

Let me share with you seven basic suggestions for more effective family communication.

Sacrifice

1. A willingness to sacrifice. Be the kind of a family member who is willing to take time to be available. Develop the ability and self-discipline to think of other family members and their communication needs ahead of your own—a willingness to prepare for the moment—the sharing moment, the teaching moment. Shed the very appearance of preoccupation in self, and learn the skill of penetrating a family members shield of preoccupation. Sad is the day when a daughter is heard to say, My mother gives me everything except herself.”

Too early and too often we sow the seeds of “Can’t you see I’m busy? Don’t bother me now.” When we convey the attitude of “Go away, don’t bother me now,” family members are apt to go elsewhere or isolate themselves in silence. All family members on some occasion or other must be taken on their own terms so they will be willing to come, share, and ask. It takes personal sacrifice to communicate when conditions are right for the other person—during the meal preparation, after a date, a hurt, a victory, a disappointment, or when someone wants to share a confidence. One must be willing to forego personal convenience to invest time in establishing a firm foundation for family communication. When communication in the family seems to be bogging down, each individual should look to himself for the remedy.

If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally. “Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his words with meekness of wisdom.” (James 3:13.)

Setting stage

2. A willingness to set the stage. The location, setting, or circumstances should be comfortable, private, and conversation-conducive. Effective communications have been shared in a grove of trees, on the mount, by the sea, in family home evening, during a walk, in a car, during a vacation, a hospital visit, on the way to school, during the game. When the stage is set, we must be willing to let the other family member be front and center as we appropriately respond.

Months and years after the score of a baseball game is long forgotten, the memory of having been there all alone with Dad will never dim. I’ll not soon forget a ten-year-old girl excitedly telling me she had just ridden in the car with her daddy all the way from Salt Lake to Provo and back. “Was the radio on?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she responded, “all Daddy did was listen and talk to me.” She had her daddy all to herself in a setting she’ll not soon forget. Let the stage be set whenever the need is there. Let the stage be set whenever the other person is ready. 

Listening

3.   A willingness to listen. Listening is more than being quiet. Listening is much more than silence. Listening requires undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. The time to deal with a person with a problem is when he has the problem. The time to listen is the time when our interest and love are vital to the one who seeks our ear, our heart, our help, and our empathy.

We should all increase our ability to ask comfortable questions, and then listen—intently, naturally. Listening is a tied-in part of loving. How powerful are the words, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

“For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19—20.) 

Voice feelings

4.   A willingness to vocalize feelings. How important it is to be willing to voice one’s thoughts and feelings. Yes, how important it is to be able to converse on the level of each family member. Too often we are inclined to let family members assume how we feel toward them. Often wrong conclusions are reached. Very often we could have performed better had we known how family members felt about us and what they expected.

John Powell shares this touching experience: “It was the day my father died.... In the small hospital room, I was supporting him in my arms, when. my father slumped back, and I lowered his head gently onto the pillow. l... told my mother.... ‘It’s all over, Mom. Dad is dead.’

“She startled me. I will never know why these were her first words to me after his death. My mother said: ‘Oh, he was so proud of you. He loved you so much.’

“Somehow I knew.., that these words were saying something very important to me. They were like a sudden shaft of light, like a startling thought I had never before absorbed. Yet there was a definite edge of pain, as though I were going to know my father better in death than I had ever known him in life.

“Later, while a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly. A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me. I couldn’t talk through my tears. I wanted to tell her’

 “‘I’m not crying because my father is dead. I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me. He never told me that he loved me. Of course, I was expected to know these things. I was expected to know the great part I played in his life and

the great part I occupied of his heart, but he never told me.’ “(The Secret of Staying in Love, Niles, III.: Argus, 1974, p. 68.)

How significant are God’s words when he took the time to vocalize his feelings with, “This is my beloved Son,” yes, even the powerful communication, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” (Matt. 3:17 [Matthew 3:17].)

Often parents communicate most effectively with their children by the way they listen to and address each other. Their conversations showing gentleness and love are heard by our ever-alert, impressionable children. We must learn to communicate effectively not only by voice, but by tone, feeling, glances, mannerisms, and total personality. Too often when we are not able to converse with a daughter or wife we wonder, “What is wrong with her?” when we should be wondering, “What is wrong with our methods?” A meaningful smile, an appropriate pat on the shoulder, and a warm handshake are all-important. Silence isolates. Strained silent periods cause wonderment, hurt, and, most often, wrong conclusions.

God knows the full impact of continuing communication as he admonishes us to pray constantly. He, too, has promised to respond as we relate to him effectively.

Do not judge

5.    A willingness to avoid judgment Try to be understanding and not critical. Don’t display shock, alarm, or disgust with others’ comments or observations. Don’t react violently. Work within the framework of a person’s free agency. Convey the bright and optimistic approach. There is hope. There is a way back. There is a possibility for better understanding.

Let a common ground for personal decision be developed. “Neither do I condemn thee: go,

and sin no more” (John 8:11) are words that are just as gentle and effective today as when they were first uttered.

Avoid imposing your values on others. When we can learn to deal with issues without involving personalities and at the same time avoid bias and emotions, we are on our way to effective family communications. When a family member makes a decision which may be inadequate or improper, do we have the ability and patience to convey the attitude that we don’t agree with his decision but he has the right of choice and is still a loved member of the family?

It is easy to point out mistakes and pass judgment. Sincere compliments and praise come much harder from most of us. It takes real maturity for a parent to apologize to a child for an error. An honest apology often makes the son or daughter feel surprisingly warm toward the mother or father or brother or sister. “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2.) 

Be worthy of trust

6. A willingness to maintain confidences. Be worthy of trust even in trivial questions and observations. Weighty questions and observations will only follow if we have been trustworthy with the trivial. Treat innermost trusts and concerns with respect. Build on deserved trust. Individuals who are blessed to have a relationship with someone to whom they can confidently talk and trust are fortunate indeed. Who is to say a family trust is not greater than a community trust? 

Communicate patiently

7. A willingness to practice patience. Patience in communication is that certain ingredient of conduct we hope others will exhibit toward us when we fail “Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.” (D&C 6:19.)

“I get sick and tired of listening to your complaints” and “I have told you a thousand times” are but two of many often-repeated family quotations that indicate patience is gone and channels of communication are plugged.

It takes courage to communicate patiently. We constantly need to express pride, hope, and love on a most sincere basis. Each of us needs to avoid coming through as one who has given up and has become totally weary in trying.

The correction of family members in front of others is to be avoided. Much more notice is taken in quiet, private conversation. Calm endurance is a priceless virtue in one’s relationship with all family members.

When family members tune each other out, communication is not taking place. Words spoken are unheard, unwanted, and resisted when we fail to understand the basics for proper interchange. Each must be willing to do his part to improve, since the family unit is the basic foundation of the Church. Proper communication will always be a main ingredient for building family solidarity and permanence.

Effective communication

I pray our Heavenly Father will help us to communicate more effectively in the home through a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience. “How forcible are right words!” (Job 6:25.) Yes, how forcible are right words shared at the right moment with the right person.

May our gracious and kind Heavenly Father help us in our needs and desires for more effective family communication. Communication can help build family unity if we will work at it and sacrifice for it. For this goal, I pray in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Appendix D

REARING CHILDREN AMID MORAL POLLUTION

Elder Joe J. Christensen of the Quorum of the Seventy 

Not long ago I had an impromptu conversation with a group of young parents who exhibited a great deaf of anxiety about rearing their children in our morally polluted environment. They asked for assistance in helping their children find their way in a world that seems to be unraveling.

We all hear and read a great deal these days about our polluted physical environment—acid rain, smog, toxic wastes. But these parents recognize that there is another kind of pollution that is much more dangerous—the moral and spiritual.

In a recent conference, Elder Boyd K. Packer said, “As we test the moral environment, we find the pollution index is spiraling upward” The Apostle Paul foresaw that in the last days perilous times shall come” (2 Timothy 3:1). And speaking of the last days, the prophet Moroni declared, “Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Mormon 8:31). 

Pollution in the mass media

Sadly, the effects of this great pollution are perhaps most evident in the mass media, films, television, and popular music. Of this, Senator Robert D. Byrd said, “If we in this nation continue to sow the images of murder, violence, drug abuse, perversion, [and] pornography... before the eyes of millions of children, year after year and day after day, we should not be surprised if the foundations of our society rot away as if from leprosy” (in Michael Medved, Hollywood vs. America [New York: Harper Perennial, 1992], p. 194). 11)

Although there are some uplifting exceptions, in most areas of the mass media there seems to be a declaration of war against almost everything the majority treasures most: the family, religion, and patriotism. Marriage is degraded, while premarital and extramarital relations are encouraged and glamorized. Profanity and the foulest of vulgar gutter language bombard the ears of all who listen. Reportedly, in one R-rated movie, the most common, vulgar four-letter word was spoken 256 times! Human life itself is trivialized by the constant barrage of violence and killings. Remember that anything that is not good for children is rarely good for adults.

In an unsuccessful effort to ward off teen pregnancy and social disease, birth control devices are freely distributed. I am convinced that this practice strongly communicates the basic message to many youth that “anything goes; just protect yourself in the process.”

It is no wonder that young parents become very anxious as they attempt to fulfill their sacred trust in the face of such an onslaught of despicable influences. Unfortunately, these challenges confront members of the Church as well as nonmembers.

Parents who really want to receive assistance must return to the basics—the fundamentals of the gospel. Among all that could be said, here are four specific suggestions that, if applied, can make a positive difference:

Set clear moral standards

First, do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled:

“[Give] your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language: [No].... Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They’ve been overindulged by well-meaning parents who’ve given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need” (John Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan for Raising Happyy, Healthy Children [Kansas City, MO.: Andrews and McMeel 1989] p. 114).

You may need to get together with the parents of your children’s friends and mutually agree on more acceptable high standards of entertainment, hours, and activities. Your children may be frustrated at first, but in the end they will grow to appreciate you even more because you cared enough about them to set some wholesome guidelines and standards. 

Teach children to work

Second, teach your children to work and to take responsibility. Especially in urban settings, too many children are growing up in an environment where they do not have enough to do. They are like the young thirteen-year-old boy who was asked what he did all day in the summer.

He said, “Well, I get up in the morning about ten or eleven. Then my mom gets me something to eat. Then maybe I’ll go with some of the guys and play a little basketball, maybe watch TV, and then go down to the mall and ‘hang out for a while—sorta watch the girls and stuff.”

When asked what time he got to bed, he said, “Oh, usually about one or two o’clock. I go over to a friend’s house and watch some videos. It’s really neat, because my friend’s mom told the guy at the video shop that it was all right for her son to check out any video he wanted—including R-rated.”

I feel great concern for the future of that young Latter-day Saint boy as well as for that of his friends.

I like what President Spencer W. Kimball has said on this topic:

“We want you parents to create work for your children....

“The idle generation! Hours each day and nothing to do... ‘What can we do?’ “they ask.

“Do the shopping, work in the hospital, help the neighbors and the church custodian, wash dishes, vacuum the floors, make the beds, get the meals, learn to sew.

“Read good books, . . . clean the house, press your clothes, rake the leaves, shovel the snow, peddle papers.”

Then he concludes:

“Lawmakers in their overeagerness to protect the child have legislated until the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. But no law prohibits most work [here] suggested... ,and parents can make work” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L.  Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], pp. 360—61). In addition, help your children

learn self discipline by such activities as learning to play a musical instrument or learning another demanding skill. I am reminded of the story of the salesman who came to a house one hot summer day. Through the screen door he could see a young boy practicing his scales on the piano. His baseball glove and hat were by the side of the piano bench. He said, “Say, boy, is your mother home?” To which the boy replied, “What do you think?” Thank heavens for conscientious parents!

Every child should be helped to develop some skill or talent by which he or she can experience success and thus build self-esteem.

Missionaries who have learned to work hard and have developed self-discipline are much more successful. 

Create a spiritual environment

Third, create an environment in your family in which spiritual experiences can occur. For example:

• Remember family prayer every day. With schedules as they are, you may need to have more than one prayer. Sending children out of your home without the spiritual

protection of prayer is like sending them out into a blizzard without sufficient clothing.

Hold family home evenings every week without fail. This is a wonderful time to share your testimony with your children. Give them an opportunity to share their feelings about the gospel. Help them learn to recognize when they feel the presence of the Spirit. Family home evenings will help create an island of refuge and security within your own home. Read the scriptures together daily as a family. There is real power in the scriptures.

President Benson has said:

“May I admonish you to participate in a program of daily reading and pondering of the scriptures. ... The Book of Mormon will change your life. It will fortify you against the evils of our day. It will bring a spirituality into your life that no other book will” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1986, p. 56; or Ensign, May 1986, p. 43).

Is the Book of Mormon a significant part of your reading? Count the number of rich promises President Marion G. Romney made to parents when he said:

I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes.... The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase.... The pure love of Christ... will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1980, p. 90; or Ensign, May 1980, p. 67).

We should not take these ten promises lightly.

Follow the prophets’ counsel

Fourth, follow the counsel of the prophets. Listen to their messages at this conference and reread their counsel to us from prior occasions. If your personal and family practices do not conform to the counsel received, then, for your own family’s sake, make some changes.

President Harold B. Lee said, “We must learn to give heed to the words and commandments that the Lord shall give through his prophet... [and quoting from the Doctrine and Covenants] ‘as if from mine own mouth, in all patience and faith.’ (D&C 21:4—5.)”

He continued:

“There will be some things that take patience and faith. You may not like what comes from the authority of the Church. It may contradict your political views. It may contradict your social views. It may interfere with some of your social life....

“...Your safety and ours depends upon whether or not we follow the ones whom the Lord has placed to preside over his church” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1970, pp. 152—53; or Improvement Era, Dec. 1970; pp. 126—27).

From a personal standpoint, of what value is it to have living prophets if we do not heed their counsel?

Fathers and mothers, it is not too late to change. There is still hope. You can begin today to apply these suggestions and others you may add. We can help our children and grandchildren to survive spiritually and morally in a world where the pollution index continues to spiral upward. The intent is not to take our children out of the world but, as the Lord prayed, to keep them from evil (see John 17:15).

I know that our Heavenly Father lives. We are his spirit children, and He loves his family.

Jesus is the Christ, and this is his church, which is led by living prophets. Of this I sincerely testify in the name of Jesus the Christ, amen.

Appendix E

FATHER, COME H0ME
Elder James E. Faust of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles

Strengthening the family

At this Easter season I extend to all who are participating in these services my warmest greetings and prayers for your happiness and well-being. On this day we remember that the risen Lord has charged us with the responsibility to build the kingdom of God on earth. With this charge in mind, I hope to add a few thoughts that may strengthen the most important of all institutions—the family.

In recent times, society has been plagued with a cancer from which few families have escaped. I speak of the disintegration of our homes. Immediate corrective treatment is urgent In what I have to say, I do not wish to offend anyone.

I affirm my profound belief that God’s greatest creation is womanhood. I also believe that there is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation. Single parents, most of whom are mothers, perform an especially heroic service.

Importance of caring fathers

I hasten to acknowledge that there are too many husbands and fathers who are abusive to their wives and children and from whom the wives and children need protection. Yet modem sociological studies powerfully reaffirm the essential influence of a caring father in the life of a child-boy or girl. In the past twenty years, as homes and families have struggled to stay

intact, sociological studies reveal this alarming fact: much of the crime and many of the behavioral disorders in the United States come from homes where the father has abandoned the children. In many societies the world over, child poverty, crime, drug abuse, and family decay can be traced to conditions where the father gives no male nurturing. Sociologically it is now painfully apparent that fathers are not optional family baggage.

We need to honor the position of the father as the primary provider for physical and spiritual support. I state this with no reluctance because the Lord has revealed that this obligation is placed upon husbands. “Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance, until their husbands are taken” (D&C 83:2). Further, “All children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age” (D&C 83:4). In addition, their spiritual welfare should be “brought to pass by the faith and covenant of their fathers” (D&C 84:99). As regards little children, the Lord has promised that great things may be required at the hands of their fathers” (D&C 29:48). 

Both parents are important

It is useless to debate which parent is most important No one would doubt that a mother’s influence is paramount with newborns and in the first years of a child’s life. The father’s influence increases as the child grows older. However, each parent is necessary at various times in a child’s development Both fathers and mothers do many intrinsically different things for their children. Both mothers and fathers are equipped to nurture children, but their approaches are different. Mothers seem to take a dominant role in preparing children to live within their families, present and future. Fathers seem best equipped to prepare children to function in the environment outside the family.

One authority states: “Studies show that fathers have a special role to play in building a child’s self-respect. They are important, too, in ways we really don’t understand, in developing internal limits and controls in children.” He continues: “Research also shows that fathers are critical in establishment of gender in children. Interestingly, fatherly involvement produces stronger sexual identity and character in both boys and girls. It is well established that the masculinity of sons and the femininity of daughters are each greater when fathers are active in family life” (Karl Zinsmeister, “Do Children Need Fathers?” Crisis, Oct. 1992).

Parents in any marital situation have a duty to set aside personal differences and encourage each other’s righteous influence in the lives of their children. 

The status of women

Is it not possible to give to woman-kind all the rights and blessings that come from God and legal authority without diminishing the nobility of God’s other grand creation, manhood? Eliza R. Snow stated in 1872:

“The status of women is one of the questions of the day. Socially and politically it forces itself upon the attention of the world. Some.., refuse to concede that woman is entitled to the enjoyment of any rights other than.., the whims, fancies or justice.. . men may choose to grant her. The reasons which they cannot meet with argument they decry and ridicule; an old refuge for those opposed to correct principles which they are unable to controvert. Others.., not only recognize that woman’s status should be improved, but are so radical in their extreme theories that they would set her in antagonism to man, assume for her a separate and opposing existence; and.., show how entirely independent she should be.” Indeed, she continued, they “would make her adopt the more reprehensible phases of character which men present, and which should be shunned or improved by them instead of being copied by women. These are the two extremes, and between them is the ‘golden mean”' (“Woman’s Status,” The Woman’s Exponent, 15 July 1872, p. 29). 

The priesthood: guiding authority

Many people do not understand our belief that God has wisely established a guiding authority for the most important institutions in the world. This guiding authority is called the priesthood. The priesthood is held in trust to be used to bless all of God’s children. Priesthood is not gender it is blessings from God for all at the hands of the servants He has designated. Within the Church this authority of the priesthood can bless all members through the ministration of home teachers, quorum presidents, bishops, fathers, and all other righteous brethren who are charged with the administration of the affairs of the kingdom of God. Priesthood is the righteous power and influence by which boys are taught in their youth and throughout their lives to honor chastity, to be honest and industrious, and to develop respect for, and stand in the defense of, womanhood. Priesthood is a restraining influence. Girls are taught that through its influence and power to bless, they can fulfill many of their desires.

Holding the priesthood means following the example of Christ and seeking to emulate his example of fatherhood. It means constant concern and caring for one’s own flesh and blood. The man who holds the priesthood is to honor it by eternally cherishing, with absolute fidelity, his wife and the mother of his children. He is to extend lifelong care and concern for his children, and their children. The plea of David for his rebel son is one of the most moving in all of the scriptures, “0 my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, 0 Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33). 

Marriage is the first priority I urge each husband and father of this Church to be the kind of a man your wife would not want to be without. I urge the sisters of this Church to be patient, loving, and understanding with their husbands. Those who enter into marriage should be fully prepared to establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives.

It is destructive to the feeling essential for a happy marriage for either party to say to the other marriage partner, “I don’t need you.” This is particularly so because the counsel of the Savior was and is to become one flesh:

“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh” (Matthew 19:5—6).

It is far more difficult to be of one heart and mind than to be physically one. This unity of heart and mind is manifest in sincere expressions of “I appreciate you” and “I am proud of you.” Such domestic harmony results from forgiving and forgetting, essential elements of a maturing marriage relationship. Someone has said that we should keep our eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward (Magdeleine de Scudery, in John P. Bradley, et al., comp., The International Dictionary of Thoughts [Chicago: J. G. Ferguson Publishing Co., 1969], p. 472). True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day.

I wonder if it is possible for one marriage partner to jettison the other and become completely whole. Either partner who diminishes the divine role of the other in the presence of the children demeans the budding femininity within the daughters and the emerging manhood of the sons. I suppose there are always some honest differences between husband and wife, but let them be settled in private. 

Covenants between men and women

The importance of this subject emboldens me to say a word about covenant breaking. It must be recognized that some marriages just fail. To those in that circumstance, I extend understanding because every divorce carries heartache with it. I hope what I say will not be disturbing. In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant. The family relationship of father, mother, and child is the oldest and most enduring institution in the world. It has survived vast differences of geography and culture. This is because marriage between man and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises. 

“Just cause” for breaking covenants

What, then, might be “just cause” for breaking the covenants of marriage? Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom or authority to definitively state what is “just cause.” Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follows if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.

At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply “mental distress’ or personality differences” or having “grown apart’ or having “fallen out of love.” This is especially so where there are children. Enduring divine counsel comes from Paul:

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it’ (Ephesians 5:25).

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, [and] to love their children” (Titus 2:4). 

Cure for decaying family life

In my opinion, members of the Church have the most effective cure for our decaying family life. It is for men, women, and children to honor and respect the divine roles of both fathers and mothers in the home. In so doing, mutual respect and appreciation among the members of the Church will be fostered by the righteousness found there. In this way the great sealing keys restored by Elijah, spoken of by Malachi, might operate “to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse” (D&C 110:15; see also Malachi 4:6). 

The sealing power in our daily lives

President Joseph Fielding Smith stated concerning the keys of Elijah: “This sealing power bestowed upon Elijah, is the power which binds husbands and wives, and children to parents for time and eternity. It is the binding power existing in every Gospel ordinance.... It was the mission of Elijah to come, and restore itso that the curse of confusion and disorder would not exist in the kingdom of God” (Elijah the Prophet and His Mission [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1957], p. 5). Confusion and disorder are all too common in society, but they must not be permitted to destroy our homes.

Perhaps we regard the power bestowed by Elijah as something associated only with formal ordinances performed in sacred places. But these ordinances become dynamic and productive of good only as they reveal themselves in our daily lives. Malachi said that the power of Elijah would turn the hearts of the fathers and the children to each other. The heart is the seat of the emotions and a conduit for revelation (see Malachi 4:5—6). This sealing power thus reveals itself in family relationships, in attributes and virtues developed in a nurturing environment, and in loving service. These are the cords that bind families together, and the priesthood advances their development. In imperceptible but real ways, the “doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul [and thy home] as the dews from heaven” (D&C 121 :45). 

“Fathers, come home” I so testify that the blessings of the priesthood, honored by fathers and husbands and revered by wives and children, can indeed cure the cancer that plagues our society. I plead with you, Fathers, come home. Magnify your priesthood calling; bless your families through this sacred influence, and experience the rewards promised by our Father and God. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Faust, James E. (April, 1993). Father, Come Home. April 1993 Conference Report. (This address was presented in the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) This material may be copied for incidental, noncommercial church or home use. Other uses require permission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Appendix F

WORDS OF HOPE TO PARENTS

The responsibilities of parenthood are of the greatest importance. The results of our efforts will have eternal consequences for us and the boys and girls we raise. Anyone who becomes a parent is under strict obligation to protect and love his children and assist them to return to their Heavenly Father.” (Elder Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1983, p. 65)

“A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child. If you have done all of these and your child is still wayward or troublesome or worldly, it could well be that you are nevertheless, a successful parent. Perhaps, there are children who have come into the world that would challenge any set of parents under any circumstances.” (Elder Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1983, p. 65)

“Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! And prove to them that you do love them by every work or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your boys [and girls] - however wayward they might be.. when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger; do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; get down and weep with them, if necessary, and get them to shed tears with you, if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly towards you. Use no lash and no violence .Approach them with reason with persuasion and love unfeigned. With these means, if you cannot gain your boys and your girls,.., there will be no means left in the world by which you can win them to yourselves.” (President Joseph F. Smith, Oct. 17, 1911)

“Seven suggestions for parents whose children have strayed, and for others whose loved ones have turned from righteousness: 1. Express and show love. 2. Do not condone the transgressions, but extend every hope and support to the transgressor. 3. Teach truth. 4. Honestly forgive as often as is required. 5. Pray trustingly. 6. Keep perspective. 7. Never give up on a loved one, never! “When you have done all that you can reasonably do, rest the burden in the hands of the Lord.”(Elder Richard G. Scott, Conference Report April 1988)

“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. ... Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.” (Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110)

“It is a great challenge to raise a family in the darkening mists of our moral environment...

The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.” (Elder Boyd K. Packer, Conference Report, April 1992)

Appendix G

UNRIGHTEOUS DOMINION

Elder H. Burke Peterson of the First Quorum of Seventy 
How to recognize—even within yourself—this grievous problem, and how to overcome it.

The letters and phone calls the Brethren receive from faithful wives and children who are emotionally and physically abused in their own homes continue to multiply. Their cries for help and heartrending. Their please and prayers are never ending. It is tragic that too often husbands and fathers, even those who hold the priesthood, conduct themselves in their own homes in ways that would be censured in any other social setting. Countless heartaches and misshaped lives result from this unrighteous behavior.

Exercising unrighteous dominion can follow many patterns. It may be relatively mild when expressed as criticism, anger, or feelings of severe frustration. In more extreme cases, however, unrighteous dominion may emerge as verbal, physical or emotional abuse. Unfortunately, in its less obvious forms, unrighteous dominion is often either ignored or not recognized as such. This article is an attempt to help husbands and fathers and their families come to grips with this grievous and growing problem in our society. By acknowledging and setting right these less-obvious forms of unsuitable behavior, perhaps we may help prevent the more extreme behaviors that can grow out of them.

Of course, unrighteous dominion is not a challenge just for men. Anyone - man or woman - who in any way guides or directs others may be guilty of unrighteous dominion. Each woman and each man - whether married or single, a parent or not -would do well to learn and practice the principles here addressed. I hope that the following insights and suggestions might find root in the believing and willing heart of each reader who needs help.

Examples of Unrighteous Dominion

One wife relates, “I have a dear, good, very hardworking husband whose desire is to see that I lack none of the material things of life. In fact, he devotes all of his waking hours toward this goal. He stops only long enough to sleep and eat, and to attend church on Sunday.”

Between the lines we read that she would rather have fewer material things and more of her husband’s time and attention. Furthermore, in his strong desire to provide for his family and to achieve, this husband often falls into a pattern of demanding perfection from them, and when he does not feel this is attained, his expressions turn to criticism. The wife continues:

“Life can be such a lonely struggle for women in these situations, for if they go to others for help they are most often told to change their own attitudes, to love their companions more, and to be willing to compromise to get along. So she gives up her desires, hopes and dreams - which would appear to fit easily within the framework of righteous living - to one who reminds her continually of her failings, letting her know she is not living up to his expectations. How can a woman feel she’ll ever become what our Heavenly Father expects of her when no matter how hard she tries, she never pleases her husband?”

Another sister called on the telephone. Her concern was that her husband regularly purchased

pornographic magazines and that every night he watched explicit videos and movies and then made inappropriate and offensive demands of her. Despite this culpable behavior - kept secret from priesthood leaders until his wife’s anguished telephone call - this man had served as a temple worker.

One sister expressed a concern felt by many when she said, “(We) are greatly in need of the support; and, yes, the willingness of priesthood bearers in our homes to put aside their own special interests on occasion when we are so in need of their understanding.” She underscores the difficult situation of women who are married but are almost without husbands, of children who live with but are almost without fathers. These husbands and fathers have other priorities that they have placed ahead of their families. They claim to be too involved in business or everyday work. Perhaps they are sports enthusiasts, TV-watchers, or non-communicators. They may even be those who are “diligent” Church workers, even leaders, who spend extended periods of time at church. “doing the Lord’s work” to escape the problems and pressures of home life. This real-life example of unrighteous dominion underscores what President Kimball taught: “Men often give women inadequate respect. I sometimes think our own Latter-day Saint women are ‘needy’ just because some of us are not as thoughtful and considerate of them as we should be. Our pantries can be filled with food and yet our sisters can be starved for affection and recognition.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed.Bookcraft, 1982, p.³ 17)

Another example of unrighteous dominion is when a father demands compliance with rules he has arbitrarily set. This is contrary to the spirit of gospel leadership. Indeed, a man can add a rich dimension to his leadership when he considers rules with his wife and children who, together with him, can set them in place.

Autocratic leadership is manifested in other ways. Family home evenings were discontinued in one family because members of the family became discouraged by the contention and anger that infected each meeting. The father, who may have been conscientious about his responsibility to help his family Improve, unwisely used most of the time to find fault with family members and to draw their attention to things he felt they were doing wrong. There was little recognition for achievement or accomplishments. Even though he made some effort to praise the children, it was not enough to offset his negative criticism. 

The Husband Presides in the Home

Speaking of priesthood leadership, Elder John A. Widtsoe said: “The Priesthood always presides and must, for the sake of order. The women of a congregation or auxiliary - many of them - may be wiser, far greater in mental powers, even greater in natural power of leadership than the men who preside over them. That signifies nothing. The Priesthood is not bestowed on the basis of mental power but is given to good men and they exercise it by right of divine gift, called upon by the leaders of the Church. Woman has her gift of equal magnitude, and that is bestowed on the simple and weak as well as upon those who are great and strong.” (Priesthood and Church Government, comp. John A. Widtsoe, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 90.)

President Joseph Fielding Smith taught that this relationship extends to the home. “There is nothing in the teachings of the gospel which declares that men are superior to women,” he said. “The Lord has given unto men the power of the priesthood and sent them forth to labor in his service. The woman’s calling is in a different direction. The most noble, exalting calling of all is that which has been given to women as the mothers of men. Women do not hold the priesthood, but ~f they are faithful and true they will become priestesses and queens in the kingdom of God, and that implies that they will be given authority. The women do not hold the priesthood with their husbands, but they do reap benefits coming from that priesthood.” (Doctrines of Salvation, 3 vols., comp. Bruce R. McConkie, Salt Lake City: Bookcrafi, 1954-56, 3:178; italics in original.)

The principles, however, that we are discussing apply as well to homes where the husband does not hold the priesthood. President Kimball explained: ‘The husband presides in marriage. In the beginning when God created man and the woman, he said to the woman, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule [but I like the word preside] over thee.’

(Genesis 3:16.)” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 316) In this regard, it is interesting to note the dedicatory inscription in President Kimball’s biography. It reads, “To Camilla Eyring Kimball, equal partner.” (See Edward L. Kimball and Andrew E. Kimball, Jr., Spencer W. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1977.)

In the order of heaven, the husband has the authority to preside in the home. That issue is not subject to review. How he presides, however, is subject to review, and to correction, if necessary.

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is develop.

A man needs to understand that his power to influence his wife or children for good can only come through love, praise, and patience. It can never be brought about by force or coercion.

Many women carry heavy burdens raising children and attending to household responsibilities. They often accomplish near-miracles in balancing all the demands made upon them. A husband who is critical of his wife and communicates censure for what hasn’t been done rather than thanks for what has been done fosters discouragement. But if he will give a word of praise or offer a little help, he will see his wife try ever harder to do her part. Criticism has a negative influence on the feelings of love for and interest in one’s spouse. Women need love, affection, and emotional support from their husbands.

Paul has counseled, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (Eph. 5:25.) In commenting on this counsel, President Kimball provided this important insight:

“Can you think of how [Christ] loved the church? Its every breath was important to him. Its every growth, its every individual, was precious to him. He gave to those people all his energy, all his power, all his interest. He gave his life - and what more could one give? ... When the husband is ready to treat his household in that manner, not only his wife but also his children will respond to his loving and exemplary leadership. It will be automatic. He won’t need to demand it....

“Certainly if fathers are to be respected, they must merit respect: If they are to be loved, they must be consistent, lovable, understanding, and kind - and they must honor their priesthood.” (Men a/Example, pamphlet, Salt Lake City: Church Educational System, 1973, p. 5.) 

Authority and Power in the 

Some brethren do not understand that there is a marked difference between priesthood authority and priesthood power. The two terms are not necessarily synonymous. Authority in the priesthood comes by the laying on of hands by one having the proper authority. However, according to revelation from the Lord, power in the priesthood comes only through righteous living. In the scriptures we are told:

“The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

“That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.” (D&C 121:36-37.)

This power from heaven is the power to bless, to strengthen, to heal, to comfort, to bring peace to a household. To life and encourage is priesthood power. To those who learn how to develop this power will come the promises described in Doctrine and Covenants 132:20-21:

“Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. “Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory.”

Inherent in the “law” spoken of in these verses is the principle of righteous dominion. Consider the Lord’s description of a man of power as contained in Doctrine and Covenants 121:4142. This description is directed specifically at the priesthood, but anyone in authority, particularly husbands and fathers, would do well to adopt these principles.

The Man a/Power is one who presides -

•     By persuasion. He uses no demeaning words or behavior, does not manipulate others, appeals to the best in everyone, and respects the dignity and agency of all humankind - men, women, boys and girls.

•     By long-suffering. He waits when necessary and listens to the humblest or youngest person. He is tolerant of the ideas of others and avoids quick judgments and anger.

•     By gentleness. He uses a smile more often than a frown. He is not gruff or loud or frightening; he does not discipline in anger.

•     By meekness. He is not puffed up, does not dominate conversations, and is willing to conform his will to the will of God.

•     By love unfeigned. He does not pretend. He is sincere, giving honest love without reservation even when others are unlovable.

•     By kindness. He practices courtesy and thoughtfulness in little things as well as in the more obvious things.

•     By pure knowledge. He avoids half-truths and seeks to be empathetic.

•     Without hypocrisy. He practices the principles he teaches. He knows he is not always right and is willing to admit his mistakes and say “I’m sorry.”

•     Without guile. He is not sly or crafty in his dealings with others, but is honest and authentic when describing his feelings.

Misunderstood and Misused Scriptures

Too often, scriptural teachings are taken out of context by those who are guilty of unrighteous dominion. For example, consider Matthew 10:37: “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that lovest son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”

Some misguided fathers and mothers use this scripture as a rationalization for neglecting their families. Having misunderstood the concept, they use this counsel to justify spending exorbitant amounts of time in Church activity. In many cases, they do it primarily to receive the accolades and attention that come from excelling in Church callings. Responding to the needs of family members at home (which, at times, may conflict with Church responsibilities) is not likely to be noticed, much less bring praise from others.

Of course, bishops, stake presidents, and other leaders appreciate members who are willing to accept and carry out callings and assignments. This is as it should be. Unfortunately, some leaders make the mistake of expressing a certain amount of disdain for members who now and then take care of a family duty rather than attending a function or immediately fulfilling a particular assignment. Such leaders have too little trust in the members’ ability to wisely choose between two right actions. At times, these leaders wrongly make a member who has chosen to minister to his family’s urgent needs feel guilty. This is not as it should be.

Another misunderstood and misused scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 121:43, which reads, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost;

and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou has reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”

Perhaps we should consider what

it means to reprove with sharpness. Reproving with sharpness means reproving with clarity, with loving

firmness, with serious intent. It does not mean reproving with sarcasm, or with bitterness, or with clenched teeth and raised voice. One who reproves as the Lord has directed deals in principles, not personalities. He does not attack character or demean an individual.

In almost every situation in which correction is required, private reproof is superior to public reproof. Unless the whole ward is in need of a reprimand, it is better for a bishop to speak to the individual rather than to use the collective approach. Similarly, a child or spouse has the right to be told privately of mistakes.

Public correction is often cruel or, at the least, misguided. Brigham Young gave us a key to

making righteous reproof possible:

“If you are ever called to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.

When you have the chastening rod in your hands, ask God to give you wisdom to use it, that you may not use it to the destruction of an individual, but to his salvation.” (In Journal a/Discourses, 9:124-25.)

Each husband, each father, should ask some questions of himself to see if he may be on the borderline of unrighteous dominion:

1. Do I criticize family members more than I compliment them?

2. Do I insist that family members obey me because I am the father or husband and hold the priesthood?

3. Do I seek happiness more at work or somewhere other than in my home?

4. Do my children seem reluctant to taik to me about some of their feelings and concerns?

5. Do I attempt to guarantee my place of authority by physical discipline or punishment?

6. Do I find myself setting and enforcing numerous rules to control family members?

7. Do family members appear to be fearful of me?

8. Do I feel threatened by the notion of sharing with other family members the power and responsibility for decision making in the family?

9. Is my wife highly dependent on me and unable to make decisions for herself?

10. Does my wife complain that she has insufficient funds to manage the household because I control all the money?

11.  Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for each individual family member rather than teaching each child to listen to the Spirit?

12.  Do I often feel angry and critical toward family members?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we may need to evaluate our relationship with our family members. For one who holds the priesthood, the best test as to whether he is trying to control the lives of family members can be found by examining his relationship with the Lord. If a man feels a reduction or withdrawal of the Holy Ghost (manifested by contention, disunity, or rebellion), he may know that he is exercising unrighteous dominion. Unfortunately, too many men may be denied the blessings of heaven because they have failed to understand and heed the Lord’s counsel concerning unrighteous dominion. But to those of us who learn to discipline ourselves and to master the righteous use of authority and “who let virtue garnish [our] thoughts unceasingly,” the Lord has promised:

“Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon they soul as the dews from heaven.

“The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.” (D&C 12 1:4546.)

What a glorious day that will be!