|
INTRODUCTION
This
guide will help practitioners as they work with clients who struggle to
find resolution to masturbation or pornography. Specific suggestions will
also be helpful for priesthood leaders and others who assist individuals
seeking assistance in overcoming these problems.
Most
of the literature cited in this document comes from the field of addiction
study. The information presents theoretical concepts and assessment and
treatment approaches to assist practitioners. A selection of helpful
resources has also been included. In all of these documents, we assume
some degree of addiction on the client’s part, since most clients will
have already expended some effort in trying to overcome problems with
masturbation and pornography before coming to LDS Family Services.
It
should be remembered throughout our work with those who are struggling
that it is only through the “grace of God” that change is brought about
“after all we can do.” It is the atonement that makes all things possible.
For many of our clients have not asked themselves the question “Is
anything too hard for the Lord?”(Genesis 18:14), but have asked themselves
“Is this too hard for me?” and have come up with a resounding “Yes!” Part
of our job as practitioners will be to instill the hope that their goals
can be accomplished. A quote from President Benson is applicable here.
The scriptures record remarkable accounts
of men whose lives changed dramatically, in an instant, as it were: Alma
the Younger, Paul on the road to Damascus, Enos praying far into the
night, King Lamoni. Such astonishing examples of the power to change even
those steeped in sin give confidence that the Atonement can reach even
those deepest in despair...
For every Paul, for every Enos, and for
every King Lamoni, there are hundreds and thousands of people who find the
process of repentance much more subtle, much more imperceptible. Day by
day they move closer to the Lord, little realizing they are building a
godlike ljfe.
We must not lose hope. Hope is the anchor
to the souls of men... Though we may see that we have far to go on the
road to perfection, we must not give up hope. (Ensign, October, 1989,
p..5).
Thus
working with the Bishop, or other ecclesiastical leader, through the
process of repentance and reassuring our clients of the cleansing power of
the atonement is a vital part of the therapeutic process. Indeed, each
client hopefully will feel the strength to overcome their “weaknesses” and
make them their “strengths.” As Mosiah tells us:
For the natural man is an enemy to God,
and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless
he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putt eth off the
natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the
Lord,(emphasis added) and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble,
patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord
seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
(Mosiah 3:19)
Thus
with each of our clients our work in part will be to bring them to a
knowledge of the power of the atonement and that “his grace is sufficient”
for them. It is our hope that this document will be a help to you in that
process.
DEFINITION
The
terms addiction and compulsion will be used interchangeably
in this document. Addiction is an emotionally-charged word that brings to
mind vivid images of the alcoholic or drug addict. However, behavioral
scientists have found that people who appear very functional can be
addicted to many things, such as food, television, gambling, or exercise.
The reinforcing nature of masturbation and pornography enable them to
easily become addictive behaviors; our Church leaders regularly refer to
the addictive nature of these behaviors (Appendix A). Thus, while these
problems may not always meet the technical criteria for addiction, we will
use this term in addressing these behaviors.
Daley
(1991) describes an addiction as “a relationship with a substance or
activity that is excessive or compulsive, causes problems in one or more
areas of our lives, causes distress when we are not engaging in it and
often exerts a good deal of control over our lives, even when we are not
engaging in the addictive behaviors.” Carnes (1998, presentation) includes
the following criteria for his definition of sexual addiction: (1)
compulsive behavior; (2) loss of control; (3) efforts to stop; (4) loss of
productive time; (5) preoccupation; (6) obligations are affected;
(7) continuation despite consequences; (8) escalation; (9) social,
occupational, and recreational losses and (10) feelings of distress,
anxiety, restlessness, and irritability.
A key
concept that overlays both of the above definitions is that an addictive
behavior is used to alter mood. A person addicted to pornography or
masturbation will use them to cover up, avoid, or cope with personal pain
such as loneliness, rejection, abuse, frustration, anger or boredom. Often
the person is so focused on the self-pleasuring element of masturbation or
pornography that the person is not aware of how the behavior has diverted
him or her from an accurate perception of their behavior.
Another important concept in understanding addiction is degree or
continuum. For example, masturbating or viewing pornography a time
or two is significantly different from indulging in daily, biweekly, or
even weekly sessions of such activity. Neither is desirable, yet they lie
at vastly different points along the addiction continuum. The frequency of
the behavior and the degree of concern the behavior brings to the
individual or significant others are often helpful indicators of where the
behaviors lie along the continuum.
ADDICTION CYCLE
An
additional issue, because masturbation is such a common occurrence, and
because most of society views it as acceptable behavior, is that many of
our members may not think of it as an “addictive” behavior. They may say
that they enjoy the behavior and see no harmful effects from the practice.
These individuals may not have used masturbation as a coping mechanism.
Rather they may have viewed it as a natural response to adolescent
development of sexual interest and to exposure to sexual stimuli by which
we are all surrounded in today’s environment. Not uncommonly however,
these same individuals find that when they attempt to stop the behavior,
such as at the time of marriage or missionary service, they find it
difficult or impossible to quit. The behavior that previously caused
little concern may now become a much more controlling behavior than was
ever imagined. This dilemma is not unlike that for many behaviors which
are practiced regularly in society, like overeating, procrastination, or
excessive television watching. They are common and they do not seem too
significant at the time, but they establish patterns which are difficult
to change. Masturbation, of course, has the added factor of being a
behavior which is considered an immoral act for
LDS Church members. Such individuals may not think
of their behavior as an addiction, according to the definition of Carnes
or Daley, but the difficulties of breaking the old habits may quickly
become very apparent when attempting to change.
NATURE OF ADDICTIONS
Since we are defining masturbation and pornography as addictive or
compulsive behavior it is important to understand some key characteristics
of addiction. An understanding of these characteristics can be helpful for
both the practitioner and the client.
• The addictive behavior is a self-soothing behavior
aimed at making the client feel “better.” The accompanying fantasies have
the same goal
• Due to the client’s repeated failures with overcoming addiction to
masturbation or pornography, he or she usually
develops feelings of discouragement, incompetence, lack of self-worth, or
guilt.
• Because the behavior is secretive, the client has usually lied or used
deception to hide his or her behavior and thus compounds the feeling of
quilt with the addition of other inappropriate behavior.
• Research (Earle, 1990) indicates that those addicted to sexual
behaviors often have low self-esteem, distorted or unrealistic beliefs
about expectations of self and others, desire to escape unpleasant
emotions, difficulty coping with stress, and an ability to deny they have
a problem.
The Internet
Internet access to cybersex is of special concern. In 1997, there were 15
million visitors to adult web sites and over 50,000 web sites dedicated to
cybersex (Carnes, presentation 1998, SLC, Utah). Thus, dealing with the
increased availability of pornography through the Internet posses some
special problems, but not ones that are unanswerable. An excellent article
addressing Internet pornography was in the Church News (Cyberspace
Cautions, June 19, 1999). It is important to consider Internet access as
you assess the problem and formulate your treatment plan.
ASSESSMENT RECOMMENDATIONS
The following areas of assessment will assist the practitioner in
identifying the strength of the addiction, its triggers, the role it plays
in the client’s life, and any coexisting disorders. This assessment can be
part of the normal initial interview process.
• Assess the chronicity of the addiction.
How long has masturbation been practiced, or how long has the pornography
been used? Is there a family history of either practice? How many times
has the client tried to stop? How did you get started (alone, with someone
else)?
• Assess the frequency of the addiction.
How often does the client masturbate or use pornographic material? How
long are the abstinence periods?
• Assess the motivation of the client.
How was he or she referred? Was counseling the client’s idea? Will the
client commit to a course of therapy?
• Assess the support network of the client.
Does the client have a spouse, family member, bishop, friend, or others
that are aware of the client’s behavior? Is their attitude supportive?
• Assess what function or purpose the symptoms serve.
Do
they reduce anxiety? Are they antidotes to boredom ? What are the client’s
feelings or thoughts just before the behavior? Are there repeating
patterns or other triggers for the behaviors?
• Assess the role and nature of the fantasies that
accompany the masturbation or pornography.
Does the client fantasize about sex partners? If so, what
is the gender and age range of the fantasized partners?
• Assess the context or environment of the habit.
Are they alone or with others? Where do they perform the behaviors
(closet, bedroom, shower, office, or other places)? What time of day do
the behaviors usually occur?
• Assess the moral response of the client.
How do they feel spiritually about the habit? How do they think Christ
feels about their habit? Does the client feel it is wrong, or do they just
know others feel it is wrong?
TREATMENT RECOMMENDATIONS
The nature and course of the treatment plan will be determined by the
information you gather in your assessment and your individual approach to
therapy. The following concepts from various sources of research, theory,
and experience can assist you as you structure and carry out your
treatment plan.
• Use the process and principles of repentance. Coordinate with the
Bishop in your approach. Elder Scott (May, 1990. Ensign.) outlines
several steps: (1) decide to stop, (2) identify and eliminate everything
that feeds the habit, (3) recognize the transition periods (4) know that
you can be “repaired,” (5) go to the Lord and his representatives
for help.
• Treating an addiction of moderate to severe chronicity is usually
not a short-term project. When the habit has only been practiced a short
time and/or intermittently the resolution may only take a few months,
whereas a long term habit of years may take up to three years to
regulate.
• A 12-step program has demonstrated efficacy in addiction recovery
work (Carnes, 1992).
• The concept of stages or steps in the recovery process seems to be
helpful to both therapist and client. While different authors offer
varying sequences in the recovery process (Carnes, 1989; Consiglio, 1991;
Nakken, 1988;), most include the following:
(1) desire to change and acceptance of responsibility, (2) willingness to
accept support or help, (3) ability to identify irrational thoughts and
triggers in the addictive behavior, (4) interruption of the habit, (5)
development of spiritual power, and (6) maintenance of a relapse
prevention program
• Both the therapist and client need to remember to be patient and
persevering. There are often slips or relapses before a permanent pattern
of control is established.
• The behavioral approach described in the Craig article (1980) may be
useful early in therapy to help the client establish control over the
behaviors and create a feeling of hopefulness.
• The Miller article (1998; appendix G) is excellent for those
utilizing a solution-focused approach. Miller’s comments on resistance and
maintaining motivation are especially helpful.
• Cames (1992) and Nakken (1988) both discuss the role of structured
activities in the recovery process for many addicts. These can be both
private and public activities, and they can be verbal or behavioral.
Examples might include:
a
letter written to God about the client’s addiction, plans, and feelings.
a
burial of key items or a letter associated with the masturbation or
pornography.
a
written analysis of the costs versus the benefits of the addictive
behaviors.
a
response to the question, “If you only had one year to live... ?“ (Carnes,
1989).
• Working with the spouse of an addictive client can facilitate the
recovery or therapy process. Conversely, spouses can do much to sabotage
the therapeutic process if they are not engaged in therapy themselves.
Schneider’s article (appendix I) is helpful in clarifying the issues of
disclosure and honesty in the healing process. The spouse of a client with
masturbation and pornography addiction often feels betrayed—much like he
or she would if the spouse had been involved in an affair.
RELAPSE PREVENTION
To
relapse means to return to a former state. For someone who has been
addicted to masturbation or pornography and has had a period of
abstinence, this relapse means a return to that habit or addiction and the
accompanying thoughts and feelings. The addictive cycle was discussed
earlier.
All relapse prevention strategies aim at interrupting the addictive cycle.
A key issue in interrupting the cycle is identifying the thought and
feeling patterns that precede the behavior. The concepts and approaches
summarized below are gleaned from relapse prevention research and
treatment literature.
• “What will I do when I encounter temptation?” This is the central
question of relapse prevention. Appendix I provides helpful strategies to
answer that question.
• Most addicts average from 3 to 4 attempts at breaking the addiction
before they show long-term success.
• Twelve-step support groups have proven effective in relapse
prevention.
• The identification of a person or persons who can provide support is
often critical in maintaining an abstinent lifestyle.
• daily activities such as scripture reading, specific prayers about
the addiction, affirmations, meditation, and exercise are helpful in
maintaining abstinence.
• The HALT acronym—hungry, angry, lonely, and tired—is helpful in
identifying danger zones or triggers for the addictive behavior.
• A contract with the client is often helpful in creating a concrete
plan for prevention. The contract usually addresses the following areas:
places or situations to be avoided; warning signs such as thoughts and
feelings; positive substitute behaviors; and actions to be followed after
a relapse. A sample contract is provided in Appendix H.
CONCLUSION
in
addition to the annotated references, several appendixes have been
provided for the practitioner’s use. Some of the appendices are
appropriate for use with priesthood leaders, some for clients, some for
the therapist only. A few of the appendixes are designated as handouts and
may be adapted for local use.
This training document has provided an overview of the etiology,
assessment, and treatment of Church members struggling with masturbation
and pornography addiction. While this information is not comprehensive,
it is hoped that these materials, in addition to your professional
experience and other resources, will provide information and guidelines to
help you successfully assist those struggling with these unwanted habits.
Note: If you have materials, approaches, or techniques that you have found
helpful with these addictions, please send them to our headquarters office
for review and possible distribution.
REFERENCES
Breaking pornography addiction: A plan for personal success
[www document].
list@noporn.com. This is an autobiographical account of one
breaking the habit of pornography. Well-written with several practical
suggestions. A Christian approach. Also, this address is a helpful web
site for information for those struggling with a pornography addiction.
Byrd, A. D., & Chamberlain, M. (1995). Willpower
is not enough. Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret
Book.
Campion, C. (1996). He did deliver me from bondage. (5th ed.).
Pleasant Grove, Utah: Windhaven Publishing and Productions. This is an LDS
oriented, 12-step style workbook for those struggling to overcome
compulsive/addictive behaviors. It can be used individually or in small
groups. The book has been used extensively in substance abuse support
groups.
Carnes, P. (1987). Hope and recovery: A 12-step guide for healing from
a compulsive sexual behavior. Minneapolis: CoinCare.
Carnes, P. (1989). Contrary to love. Minneapolis: CompCare.
Carnes, P.J. (1991). Sexual addiction: Progress, criticism, challenges.
American Journal of Preventive Psychiatry and Neurology. 3(1): 16-23.
Canes, P. 1. (1992). A gentle path through the
twelve steps. New York: Hazelden.
Chamberlain, J. M. (1978). Eliminate your SDB5*. Provo, Utah:
Brigham Young University Press. Dr. Chamberlain’s self-help workbook has
helped thousands eliminate unwanted behaviors. It is a step-by-step
cognitive/behavioral approach to dealing with thoughts, feelings and
behaviors. It is designed to be used individually.
Coleman, E. (1990). The obsessive-compulsive model for describing
compulsive sexual behavior. American Journal of Preventive Psychiatry
and Neurology. 2:3, 9—13.
Consiglio, William. (1991). Homosexuality no more. Wheaton, ill.:
Victor Books. Chapter five contains a section on overcoming masturbation
and pornography that is very practical. A very Christian approach.
Corporation of the President (1985). A parent’s guide. A “must
have” for every parent, this publication discusses ways of handling
pornography (pp. 12—13) and masturbation (pp. 21, 36—37) within the
context of the family. The manual deals with discussing sexuality during
different stages of a child’s development.
Corporation of the President. (1988). How can I help in the fight against
pornography? [pamphlet].
Corporation of the President. (1988). Statements by leaders of The Church
Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints concerning pornography. [pamphlet].
Craig, W.W. (1980). Counseling the LDS single adult masturbator:
Successful application of social learning theory: A case study. AMCAP
Journal. January. A step-by-step approach to helping someone overcome
the addiction of masturbation. Written for the professional, but could be
use by a priesthood leader, support person, or the client.
Daley, D. C. (1991). Kicking addictive habits once and for all: Relapse
prevention. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Daley’s book is very readable
and user friendly. It is written for the therapist and the client. Lots of
practical examples and helps for relapse prevention.
Earle, R., & Crow, G. (1989). Lonely all the time: Recognizing,
understanding and overcoming sex addiction. New York: Simon &
Schuster. Although written for the hard-core addict, several chapters are
applicable to any addiction. There are chapters dealing with spouses and
family members, working with self-help groups, and choosing a therapist.
Freeman, J., & Freeman, 1. (1999). Overcoming addictions and
compulsions through the Atonement of Christ. [audiotape]. Los Angeles:
Covenant Communications. The Freemans tell their story of how Jonathan was
first a victim of child abuse and then fought the struggle of his own
compulsive behaviors. Jennifer, his wife, shares her perspective on his
struggle. The principles of the Atonement are emphasized. A good adjunct
to therapy.
Fyans, J. T. (1983, March 15). Goals. Brigham Young University
Devotional address.
Hafen, B. Q., & Frandsen, K. 1. (1985). Addictive behavior.
In R. L. Britsch, & T. D. Olson (Eds.), Counseling: A guide to helping
others (Vol. 2). (pp. 29—45). Salt Lake City, Utah: Bookcraft.
A collection of articles on various mental health topics by Latter-day
Saint authors. Topics include eating disorders, alcohol and drug
addiction, being single, remarriage, financial counseling, and more. An
excellent resource. The cited article on addiction covers such topics as
characteristics and how to help those who are struggling.
Holland, Jeffrey, R.(1999, March 2). Cast not
away therefore your confidence. Brigham Young
University devotional address.
Jeppsen, R.W. (1998) Turn yourselves and live: Is anything too hard for
the Lord? Sandy, Utah: Vescorp. This book is written by one who has
been there. This is a self-help workbook designed to help the reader work
from the root of the problem to recovery. It is a very positive,
Christ-centered approach. The author is a Latter-day Saint.
Latter-day Saint recovery.
A
new website located at
www.ldsr.org. This website has on its home page a statement
connecting it with Latter-day Saint standards. There are excellent
references to recovery, relapse, and other topics.
Monson, Thomas S. (1998). Pornography—the deadly carrier. In Speaking
out on moral issues. (pp. 15—19). Salt Lake City, Utah: Bookcraft.
Nakken, C. The addictive personality. New York: Harper Collins.
Whether you believe in an addictive personality or not, this book has many
insights that are valuable in working with any addiction. The author
examines how addictions start, how society contributes, and what happens
to those who become addicted.
Nelson, Russell M. (1998). Addiction or freedom. In Speaking out on
moral issues. (pp. 95—104). Salt Lake City, Utah: Bookcraft.
Packer, Boyd K. (1995, November). The brilliant morning of forgiveness.
Ensign, pp. 18—21.
Parenting from A to Z.
(1990). Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book. A Latter-day Saint centered
book that has sections on masturbation and pornography. Great quotes from
Church leaders and Church publications such as A
Parent’s Guide.
Salmon, F. F. (1995). Therapist’s guide to 12-step meetings for sexual
dependencies. Sexual addiction & Compulsivity. Vol. 2, pp. 193—2
13. This article examines each of the various approaches to 12-step
meetings and discusses the advantages and disadvantages. Helpful
introduction to 12-step groups for those who are not familiar with how
these groups function.
Schneider, J. P. (1989). Rebuilding the marriage during recovery from
compulsive sexual behavior. Family Relations. 38, 288—294. A
research article describing the course of marital therapy with a
recovering sexually addictive spouse.
Schneider, J. P., & Irons, R. (1997). Treatment of gambling, eating, and
sex addictions. In N.S. Miller, M.S. Gold, & D. E. Smith (Eds.), Manual
of therapeutics for addictions (pp. 225—3 16).New York: John Wiley &
Sons.
Scott, R. G. (1990, May). Finding the way back. Ensign, pp. 42—43.
An excellent talk by Elder Scott describing the process of repentance
(recovery) with gospel principles. The talk is very hopeful and positive.
Scott, R. G. (1998, November). The power of righteousness. Ensign,
pp. 22—23.
Washington, A. M., & Boundy, D. (1989).
Willpower’s not enough. New York: Harper. A book
on overcoming all types of addictions. Covers topics such as warning
signs, personality traits, recovery, and relapse. An excellent book for
the practitioner.
APPENDIX A
Quotes on Pornography and Masturbation
“Nor does immorality begin in adultery or perversion. Those are full-grown
adults. Little indiscretions are the berries—indiscretions like sex
thoughts, sex discussions, passionate kissing, pornography. The leaves and
little twigs are masturbation and necking and such, growing with every
exercise. Spencer W Kimball, in Conference Report, Apr. 1967, 67; or
Improvement Era, June 1967, 63
“What a different world this would be if every young man could and would
sign such a statement of promise.. . . There would be no viewing of
pornography, no reading of sleazy literature.”
Gordon B.
Hinckley,
in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 68; or Ensign, Nov. 1998,
52
“President Dallin Oaks recently said to the student body at Brigham Young
University: ‘We are surrounded by the promotional literature of illicit
sexual relations on the printed page and on the screen. For your own good,
avoid it. Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than
filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of
unwholesome food, but the brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded it
will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across
your mind, and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.” N.
Eldon Tanner, in Conference Report, Oct. 1973, 124; or Ensign, Jan.
1974, 7—8
“There is a better way, my brethren. Do you want to drop the ball in your
lives? Do you wish to help Satan score? There is no surer way than to
become engulfed in the tide of pornography that is sweeping over us. If we
succumb to it, it destroys us, body and mind and soul.” Gordon B.
Hinckley, in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 64; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 48
“I
plead with you boys tonight to keep yourselves free from the stains of the
world. You must not indulge in sleazy talk at school. You must not tell
sultry jokes. You must not fool around with the Internet to find
pornographic material. You must not dial a long-distance telephone number
to listen to filth. You must not rent videos with pornography of any kind.
This salacious stuff simply is not for you. Stay away from pornography as
you would avoid a serious disease. It is as destructive. It can become
habitual, and those who indulge in it get so they cannot leave it alone.
It is addictive.” Gordon B. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr, 1998,
66—67; or Ensign, May 1998,49
“Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of by the
Lord nor of his Church, regardless of what may have been said by others
whose “norms~~ are lower. Latter—day Saints are urged to avoid this
practice. Anyone fettered by this weakness should abandon the habit before
he goes on a mission or receives the holy priesthood or goes in the temple
for his blessings.” Spencer W. Kimball, “President Kimball Speaks Out
on Morality,” Ensign, Nov. 1980, 97
“Though many outside the Church regard masturbation as normal. LDS leaders
teach that the practice is wrong, one that feeds base appetites and may
lead to other sinful conduct. Similarly, unmarried couples who engage in
petting or fondling are breaking the law of chastity, and stimulating
impulses that may lead to other sin.” Bryce J. Christensen, “Chastity,
Law of,” in Daniel H. Ludlow, ed., Encyclopedia of Mormoni.cm, vol.
1, 266
“Surging selfishness, for example, has shrunken some people into ciphers;
they seek to erase their emptiness by sensations. But in the arithmetic of
appetite, anything multiplied by zero still totals zero! ...
Smaller steps could include asking ourselves inwardly before undertaking
an important action, Whose needs am I really trying to meet? Or in
significant moments of self-expression, we can first count to 10...
Selfishness is actually the detonator of all the cardinal sins... No
wonder the selfish individual is often willing to break a covenant in
order to fix an appetite.” Neal A. Maxwell, in Conference Report, Apr.
1999, 27—29; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 69
“Satan knows that... powerful emotions can be aroused by things you can
see, hear, and touch. He uses pornography through videotapes, movies,
magazines, computer images, or contaminated music for this purpose. Close
your eyes, ears, mind, and heart to it. Unchecked, it would surely grow
unrelentingly from initial curiosity step-by-step to become a raging
monster.... Don’t lift the cover of salacious material in any form, and
you will not be captured by it. If you have become entangled in that
devastating web, stop immediately and seek help. Ask the Lord to guide you
to that help and give you the strength to overcome that addictive habit.”
Richard G. Scott, in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 88—89; or Ensign,
Nov. 1998, 69
“Some recommendations regarding use of our reproductive organs are based
solely—and inadequately—upon physical considerations. Beware of such
one-sided views! Paul taught that ‘if ye live after the flesh, ye shall
die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye
shall live.”’
“That caution pertains to pornography, which is highly addictive.
Scriptural warning is clear: ‘Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal
body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.’ In time, addictions
enslave both the body and the spirit. Full repentance from
addiction is best accomplished in this life, while we still have a mortal
body to help us.” Russell M. Nelson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1998,
113; or Ensign, Nov. 1998,87
“In like fashion temptation has its part to play in the development of
character. The strength of life is increased by the conquest of
temptation. We may call no man virtuous till he has won such a victory. It
is not the absence of temptation, but the reaction from it, that ensures
the persistence of virtue. If sin entices thee, consent thou not, and
after awhile its allurements will cease to attract.” David Starr
Jordan, The Strength of Being Clean: A Study of the Quest for Unearned
Happiness [1900], 11
APPENDIX B
Eliminating Your SDB’S - By Jonathan M. Chamberlain
Step One: How Do I Do My Self-Defeating Behavior (SDB)?
This step focuses on the individual taking complete responsibility for the
behavior. The emphasis is that the SDB is something you do, not
something you are. The client will look at all the ways that he or
she chooses to do their SDB.
Step Two: How Do I Disown Responsibility for Doing My SDB?
This step looks at two major ways of disowning responsibility: (1) using
negative self-labels, and (2) blaming external causes. The client learns
to recognize and replace negative self-labels and eliminate blaming.
Step Three: What Prices Do I Pay for Doing My 5DB?
The client looks at and lists consequences to the behavior. These are
economic, social, psychological, and physical prices. The client also
examines ways he or she minimizes the consequences.
Step Four: What Choices Do I Make to Activate My SDB?
The client identifies inner~’ and “outer” choices he or she makes to
perform the SDB. The client also begins to form a mental image of himself
or herself without the SDB.
Step Five: What Negative Techniques Do I Use to Activate My
Self-Defeating Choices?
The client learns to identify such techniques as comparing self to others,
anticipating certain things to happen, distorting feedback, and
intellectualizing. Positive techniques and self-talk are used to replace
negative techniques.
Step Six: What Fears Must I Face to Be Me Without My SDB?
The client lists fears and identifies the source of these fears. What
anxiety is the SDB hiding? What will happen if the SDB is not done?
Step Seven: Facing My Fears and Discovering My Inner Self
This becomes a “guided imagery” session, a time when the client imagines
himself or herself free of the fears hidden by the SDB.
APPENDIX C
Suggestions for Parents Trying to Stop Pornography
(A handout used in training priesthood leaders in dealing with
pornography.)
• Discuss with your children of appropriate age,
and in sensitive ways, the harmful effects and addictive nature of
pornographic material.
• Foster in your homes a love of knowledge through
uplifting literature, wholesome books; select movies and television,
classical and exemplary popular music, and other entertainment that
uplifts and edifies the spirit and mind.
• Let your voices be heard in your
community—members and nonmembers alike.
• Actively approach the management of stores, movie
theaters, bookstores, and television and radio stations with requests to
withdraw indecent materials.
• Make your elected officials and law enforcement
people aware that you support the fair enforcement of laws prohibiting
obscenity and regulating indecency.
• Where legislation is needed to meet new
technological advances in cable and satellite transmission, support the
enactment of reasonable laws and regulations that would help reduce the
number of those lives that will otherwise become marred by addiction.
• Exercise your faith and prayerfully seek help
from God your father in this vital task. Elder David B. Haight, in
Conference Report, Oct. 1984, 90—91; or Ensign, November 1984, 70—73
“The
trouble with this wide-open pornography... is not that it corrupts but
that it desensitizes; not that it unleashes the passions but that it
cripples the emotions; not that it encourages a mature attitude but that
it is a reversion to infantile obsessions; not that it removes the
blinders but that it distorts the view. Prowess is proclaimed but love is
denied. What we have is not liberation but dehumanization.” Norman
Cousins, Saturday Review, September 1975
APPENDIX D
Helping Missionaries with a Masturbation Problem
Experiencing thoughts and feelings of a sexual nature is normal. One of
the goals of maturation is to learn to master those impulses.
Occasionally, curiosity and self-exploration in adolescence may lead to
masturbation. This experience is generally fleeting in nature and the
individual’s conscience and desire to lead a moral life allows him or her
to learn self-control. At times, however, masturbation can become a habit
that is difficult to break. Sometimes masturbation continues because:
• It becomes a habit reinforced by itself: “It feels good so I keep
doing it.”
• It is a symptom of personal inadequacy or low self-esteem.
• It is a reaction to stress, depression, loneliness, homesickness, or
boredom.
• It substitutes for healthy interpersonal relationships and may be
part of social withdrawal.
• It is a reaction to over-stimulation from contact with pornography.
• It is a result of early, intimate sexual contact with either sex
(voluntary or abusive).
• It reflects a general loss of self-mastery (indulgence,
procrastination, overeating, avoidance).
There is an increasing tendency in the world to view masturbation as
acceptable. The Church cautions against this philosophy. President Spencer
W. Kimball wrote:
“Most youth come into contact early with masturbation. Many would-be
authorities declare that it is natural and acceptable,.., and frequently
young men I interview cite these advocates to justify their practice of
it. To this we must respond that the. . . world’s norms in many
areas—drinking, smoking, and sex experience generally, to mention only a
few—depart increasingly.., from God’s law. The Church has a different,
higher norm.” (The Miracle of Forgiveness [1969], 77)
Here are some suggestions others have found helpful in overcoming this
habit:
Spiritual
• Pray for strength rather than total elimination of temptation.
• Be honest with your mission president and receive a blessing.
• Ask for specific help during your monthly fast.
• Apply principles of faith as in 3 Nephi 18:20: “And whatsoever ye
shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall
receive, behold it shall be given unto you.
• Believe that God understands and loves you.23
Thoughts
• The quicker sexual thought is interrupted, the less likely it will
be to lead to
masturbation.
• Replace sexual thoughts with uplifting, motivating
thoughts.
• Don’t just focus on overcoming negative thoughts;
focus on strengthening positive
thoughts.
• Go one day at a time.
• Learn relaxation skills.
• Visualize success.
Behavior
• Set short term goals; keep track of progress; reward success.
• Interrupt temptation in an active manner with
something that refocuses your
attention. Make a verbal commitment to another
person. Willpower is seldom
enough—you need to have intense interest and energy
in some positive activity.
• Avoid settings, conversations, people, media, and
other things that provoke
temptation.
• Have a clear relapse prevention program in mind. For
example, “Here is what I’ll do
when I’m feeling tempted.”
• Develop social confidence.
Emotional
• Gain insight about sources of temptation.
• Learn healthy ways to deal with sadness,
depression, homesickness, and frustration
so they don’t become triggers.
• If you’re feeling temptation, say HALT. Being
hungry, angry, lonely, or tired can be
emotional danger zones.
• if you masturbate once, don’t use it as an excuse to
do it again. You need to believe
change is possible. Successful quitters focus on
what they might have done
differently, rather than on thoughts like, “This
just proves I can’t do it.”
• Examine the price you pay for your behavior, and
list your justifying excuses.
• Always keep trying. Most missionaries have several
slips before they finally succeed.
• Self-esteem is the key— talk with the president
about this.
Let your desire for change motivate you rather than lead you to being
overwhelmed. You can be a successful missionary as you work on increasing
your self-mastery.
APPENDIX E
A
Guide to Self Control: Overcoming Masturbation
The attitude a person has toward this problem has an effect on how easily
it is overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control
the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is
sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for
the act, he develops the power to control it.
We
are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that
the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit that
robs one of the spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not
physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is
totally self-centered and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper
use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It
therefore separates a person from God, and defeats the gospel plan.
This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect and
feel guilty and depressed, which can in the extreme lead to further
sinning. As a person feels spiritually unclean, he loses interest in
prayer, his testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church
callings become burdensome, offering no joy and limited success.
To
help in planning an effective program to overcome the problem, a brief
explanation is given of how the reproductive organs in a young man and
woman function.
When puberty is complete, a person is capable of creating life through
sexual union. A natural cycle or rhythm begins in both genders.
Approximately every twenty-five to thirty days, an egg is released from
the girl’s ovary, and it attaches to the lining of the uterus. if it is
not fertilized by a male sperm, it and the blood-rich lining of the uterus
(but not the uterus itself) are expelled from the womb through the vagina.
This flow of blood lasts about four or five days and cleanses the girl’s
reproductive system.
In
the boy, millions of sperm flow in the testicles within spermatic fluid.
When the fluid and sperm fill the tubules and testes, they are
automatically released or ejaculated. This usually happens during sleep
and is called nocturnal emissions or “wet dreams.” Sexual dreams are not
always present, but they can trigger a nocturnal emission or ejaculation.
In either case this is not masturbation. Masturbation is not
physically necessary. There is already a way by which the male system
relieves excessive spermatic fluid quite regularly through the nocturnal
emission or wet dream. Monthly menstrual flow expels the female’s egg and
cleanses the womb. For both sexes, physical or emotional tensions can be
released by vigorous activity. Thus, in a biological sense, masturbation
for either gender is not necessary. In a gospel sense, it is a sin:
“Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord
nor of His Church regardless of what may have been said by others whose
‘norms’ are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice.”
(Spencer W. Kimball, Love Versus Lust, Brigham Young University
Speeches of the Year [Provo, 5 Jan, 1965], p.22). Parents Guide.
Corporation of the President. l985.p.36-37.
As
one meets with his priesthood leader, a program for overcoming
masturbation can be implemented using some of the suggestions which
follow. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed
on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.
Suggestions:
Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit that will strengthen you
against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are
the strongest.
• Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. These exercises reduce
emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution
of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel increased
stress.
• When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell “stop” to those
thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre chosen
scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your
thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
• Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, a
year and finally commit to never doing it again.
Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be
open to temptation
• Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a
changed self-image. Spend time everyday imagining yourself strong and in
control, overcoming tempting situations.
• Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan
to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with
your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
• Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn
to enjoy working and talking with them. Use principles or developing
friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence
People by Dale Carnegie.
• Be
aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel
lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can
trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to
counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a
book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
• Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with
you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self-control, color
that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar
becomes a strong visual reminder of self-control and should be looked at
when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until
you and your bishop feel you are back in control.
• A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain
times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your
particular times and conditions were. Then change the routines,
associations or habits that maintain the problem.
• In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique
called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very
distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable,
the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which
was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your
loss of selfcontrol, it will help you top the act. For example, if you
are tempted to masturbate, think of having a bath in a tub of worms, and
eat several of them as you do the act, or think of your mother or Christ
watching you.
APPENDIX F
The Addiction Cycle
Preoccupation:
The trance or mood wherein the addict’s mind is completely engrossed with
thoughts of sex. This mental state creates an obsessive search for sexual
stimulation.
Ritualization: The addict’s own special routines that
lead to the sexual behavior. The ritual intensifies the preoccupation,
adding arousal and excitement.
Compulsive Sexual
Behavior:
The actual sexual behavior, which is the end goal of the preoccupation and
ritualization. Addicts feel they cannot control or stop this behavior.
Despair:
The feeling of utter hopelessness addicts have about their behavior and
their powerlessness to control it.
APPENDIX G
Miller, W. R. (1998). Enhancing motivation for change. Treating
addictive behaviors. (2nd ed.) pp. 12 1—132. New York: Plenum Press.
Miller defines motivation as doing something to get better. He thinks of
motivation as the “probability of a behavior occurring.” We assume clients
are motivated when they get moving or take action. The resolution of
ambivalence is the key in facilitating change. A key therapeutic question
then becomes: What can I do to help my clients do something, to take
action on their own behalf? Confrontation and denial are complementary
roles-one elicits the other. Thus, defensive behavior from a client should
be a signal to the therapist to change what he or she is doing. The locus
of and responsibility for change lies within the client. What therapists
expect to happen has an influence on what actually occurs. Empathy is the
ability to develop an accurate understanding of the client’s meaning
through reflective listening. High levels of skillful empathy have been
shown to be associated with high success rates in treatment.
Some typical techniques for motivation:
• A simple handwritten note expressing concern and caring and sent
after the first session can nearly double the chances that the client will
come back. This principle also applies to missed appointments and
referrals. Attendance at support meetings is increased by therapist and
client planning attendance together.
• It is counterproductive to elicit a client’s arguments against
change. It is often helpful to engage the client in talking about reasons
for change (self-motivational statements). These fall into four classes:
(a) Statements recognizing problems of the current behavior.
(b) Expression of concern about one’s current state.
(c) Statements of a desire for change.
(d) Expressions of optimism about the possibility of change.
Examples of questions to elicit these types of statements include: “What
are the not-so-good things about...
?“
“What do you think might happen if you keep on... ?“ “What are
the most important reasons for you to stop?” “What makes you think you
could give up... ?“ Always follow questions
with reflective listening.
When a person has freely chosen a course of action, he or
she is more likely to be committed to it than if it has been perceived as
forced. The most significant sources of reinforcement and influence are
often those who live with the client. It is hard to notice and reward the
“absence” of a behavior. Try to find out what the person cares more about
than the behavior. The response to this question can then be used in
providing ongoing motivation.
APPENDIX H
My
Addiction Contract
Destructive behaviors I will avoid:
1. Avoid magazine areas in book stores, markets, and other places.
2. Avoid browsing on the Internet.
3. Reduce my alone times.
4. Reduce my shower time.
Positive behaviors I will focus on:
1. Meet monthly with my bishop and therapist.
2. Continue with my regular exercise program.
3. Monitor my stress or loneliness feelings and do relaxation or other
self-esteem activities.
4. Continue regular prayer and scripture study.
Steps I will take if I slip:
1. Stop as soon as I am aware.
2. Physically move to another place.
3. Read scripture, or other good books.
4. Tell myself, “It’s a slip. I am not a failure. I can do this.”
5.
Call support person.
Signed by
client
Signed by the therapist, priesthood leader, or other support person
APPENDIX I
Schneider, J. P., Corley, M. D., & Irons, R. R. (1994). Surviving
disclosure of infidelity: Results of an international survey of 164
recovering sex addicts and partners. Journal of Treatment and Prevention,
5, 189—217.
Key findings of the study were as follows:
• Disclosure of the addiction is often a process, not a one-time
event.
• Initial disclosure usually is most conducive to healing the
relationship when it includes all the major elements of the addictive
behavior but avoids the “gory details.”
• Half of the addicts reported one or more relapses that necessitated
additional decisions about disclosure.
• Neither disclosure nor threats to leave prevented relapse.
• With time, 96% of addicts and 93% of the partners come to believe
that disclosure was the right thing to do.
• Partners need support from professionals and peers during the
process of disclosure.
• Honesty is a crucial healing characteristic.
• The most helpful tools for coping with the consequences of addiction
are counseling and 12-step programs.
• Disclosure, threats to leave, and relapses are part of the challenge
of treating and recovering from addictive behaviors.
APPENDIX J
Relapse Prevention
During the interview, the concept of AIDs is formally introduced in the
following manner. “Each of us makes many decisions every day which
seemingly are so minor in importance that they could have absolutely no
significant effect on an individual’s life. But regardless of the apparent
irrelevance, each one of these decisions profoundly alters the range of
behaviors that are subsequently available to us. The cumulative effect of
all of these “Apparently Irrelevant Decisions” has the potential to alter
dramatically the final outcome of one’s life. An example may clarify the
actual importance of even a single AID. Imagine a pedophile, who emerges
from the front door of his home to take a walk along the tree-lined street
of his suburban residence. Nearing the sidewalk, he decides to turn left.
After a brief excursion, he notices a school playground brimming with
gleefully playing children, a definite high-risk situation for a
pedophile. Since the individual probably was familiar with his
neighborhood, he would have been cognizant that going to the left would
take him by the school, whereas turning right would have led him away from
that high-risk area. So, an AID was his choice to turn left, rather than
right, onto the sidewalk. Clearly, his decision to walk to the left was
only an apparently irrelevant one.
“Looking at the behavior you performed that got you into your current
trouble, when did you make the first decision that started you toward your
final decision to begin a sexual relationship with a female child?” At
this point, the patient may provide any of a wide range of responses. In
order to foster the atmosphere of cooperation that is critical,.., the
patient’s response should not be challenged severely or ridiculed. If the
patient responds with a statement such as, “I didn’t make a decision to do
it, it just happened,” the therapist could reply: “It is really kind of
difficult for me to imagine how anyone can perform any behavior without
first having decided at some point that they were going to do it. Consider
the person who is an alcoholic for example. Imagine him walking down a
dimly lit city sidewalk close to midnight. As he walks, he reaches into
his pocket for a cigarette and discovers that he is out. He anxiously
looks around the streets for a store where he can buy some more. A
flashing, red, neon light catches his eye and he begins walking briskly
toward it. As he draws closer, he realizes that the red, neon sign reads
“BEER.” He pauses only a moment to deliberate, deciding that he really
needs a cigarette so he’ll go into the bar to get a pack. He enters the
bar and goes to the cigarette vending machine. Reaching into his pants
pocket, he finds no coins. After asking two grey-haired men playing pool
if they could change a dollar, and seeing two heads shaking “no” in
unison, he turns toward the cash register near the bar to get change. Amid
the clacking of billiard balls, he hear his name, “George!” Turning toward
the sound, he stares into drifting blue cigarette smoke and recognizes his
foreman from the foundry. The foreman instantly turns to the bartender
saying, “Fill up a brew for George.”
Debating only a second, George sips his first taste of foaming beer. That
was only the first taste of many he had that night...
“Now that you’ve heard the story, you may be able to see that George made
a series of decisions which led up to his final decision to take a drink
of beer. At each one of these choice-points, George could have made a
different decision that would have taken him away from a dangerous
situation. Did he really have to have a cigarette? Did he have no
alternative but to enter the bar? Could he have said “No” to the beer his
foreman bought him? Instead, each decision that George made brought him
closer to danger until he finally felt that he had no choice but to accept
the drink that he was offered. So you can see that George made a series of
decisions, each of which contributed in some way to his finally taking the
drink of beer. Looking at your decision to have a sexual relationship with
a female child in this way, can you tell me the earliest point at which
you decided to seek out the relationship?” (Pithers, Marques, Gibat &
Marlatt, 1983, pp. 225-22)
APPENDIX K
Suggestions for a Bishop in Assisting a Member Whose Spouse is
Struggling With Pornography
• Assess the level of the addiction: i.e. How long? How frequent? What
type of materials and/or activities?
• Help the spouse confront the behavior as sinful and unhealthy.
Assist them in being loving but firm in not tolerating or participating in
the behaviors.
• If at all possible get both spouses involved in the recovery
process. Secrecy is fundamental to addictive behaviors.
• Remind the helping spouse not to be a policeman. It is not their
responsibility to control the behavior.
• Encourage loving and supportive attitudes, words and behaviors. Let
the offending spouse know they are still loved and there is hope for
change even while they are struggling with these behaviors.
• Encourage the spouse to pray and fast for and with the struggler.
• Encourage the spouse to have hope and patience during the change
process.
• When appropriate suggest the spouse put a filtering software on the
computer and have the computer fully accessible to all family members.
APPENDIX L
Suggestions for a Bishop Assisting a Member Who is Struggling with
Pornography
Pornography
· Consultation with LDS Family Services regarding assessing
the severity of the problem and methods to help the individual involved
and the family.
· Assess the context or environment of the habit.
· Use the process and principles of repentance. Elder Scott
(May, 1990. Ensign.) Outlines several steps: (1) decide to stop,
(2) identify and eliminate everything that feeds the habit, (3) recognize
the transition periods (4) know that you can be “repaired,” (5) go
to the Lord and his representatives for help.
· Help the member develop a plan for “What will I do when I
encounter temptation?” This is the central question of relapse prevention.
· Identify a person or persons who can provide support. This
is often critical in maintaining an abstinent lifestyle.
· Daily activities such as scripture reading, specific
prayers about the addiction, affirmations, meditation, and exercise are
helpful in maintaining abstinence.
· Meet regularly (weekly in the beginning) with the member to
provide a reporting process, assess progress and reinforce successes. Six
months to a year is often needed to help get the addiction under control.
· Consider possible professional help if: (1) there have been
repeated failed attempts to quit, (2) there is considerable “pain” for
either the struggler or spouse or family members and/or (3) the
cons | 