Most of us have walls within our lives--barriers within our minds or around our hearts which sometimes separate us from God and all the good that He would have us experience in this life. This letter comes to you from within the walls of a state penitentiary, an institution of steel, concrete walls and concertina wire-topped fences.

        Although I hope this forbidding physical environment will remain foreign to those who read this, I pray that the spiritual message I share with you will be of relevance and worth to all. Within prison walls I have come to know God and experience His love. This is the story of how the Atonement of Jesus Christ has become real in my life.

        My childhood was pretty normal, even though our family moved around a lot because my father was an officer in the U.S. Army. Like any kid, I laughed and cried, learned and played. I loved Christmas, baseball, ice cream, popcorn, being with my family, playing with our dog, and going on vacation to visit my grandparents. I was full of curiosity; I liked school, and loved to read, make models, explore the woods, and ride my bicycle.

        My parents took my little sister and me to many places, including to the LDS Church (although they didn't often stay themselves). I liked the people in church and I enjoyed people in general. As a child I was usually happy, especially when we were together for a family barbecue or when I could play softball with my dad. And I was sometimes sad, such as when my dog was run over, and once (when I was six) because my sister said she wouldn't marry me when we grew up. I tried to obey my parents and treat my little sister well (hey, maybe she would change her mind about marriage). The hardest times were when my parents argued. Most of the time though, life seemed very good.

        Like most people, I suppose my main concern in life revolved around just being happy. Yet, as I grew older and reached my teenage years, my periods of discontent and unhappiness increased. In addition to normal concerns such as school, friends, puberty, and sports, I began to be troubled with many questions about war, poverty, injustice, and human suffering. More and more it seemed to me that the world was a complex, unfair and often terrifying place.    

        Frustration and disillusionment mounted as my questions increasingly went unanswered (partly I now see, because I wasn't looking in the right places) Our family had problems and I stopped trying to communicate with my parents.

        To be honest, church had always been a social thing for me and I had little understanding of my religion. Rather than make a sincere effort to come to know God and His ways, I instead made a cynical and superficial judgment that God had little to do with the realities of the world as I then saw it.

        I had become more and more mistrustful of "the establishment" (those in socio-political control of America), which through its abuses, manipulations, and half-truths had lost credibility with me. Feeling hurt and confused I turned away from what I knew. In my rebellion against what I viewed to be an unrighteous system, I began to make a series of unwise decisions that increasingly alienated me from God, family and society. These decisions would eventually result in my spiritual and physical imprisonment within walls of my own making.

        Becoming inactive in the church, I sought happiness in my own way. With a sense of adventure I began to explore the "adult" world. Beginning with cigarettes, I then moved on to experiment with alcohol and marijuana. I'd heard warnings about the dangers but I didn't trust what the establishment taught. A sort of misguided pride enabled me to believe that I was young, strong, and intelligent enough to avoid any serious problem. I figured that if anything bad did occur, I'd just back out and leave it all behind.

        I had some fun at first and soon I was no longer nervous about drugs. I had not yet learned well to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment--I know that I felt bad about life and all I cared about was feeling good as quickly as possible. It seemed a whole new vista had opened up to me, an inviting world of good times, fun friends, excitement and adventurous living. I embraced drugs, rock & roll and the counterculture ideology. My problems seemed a thing of the past and I never felt more free. What an illusion this proved to be!

        Some of the fun started to fade under the pressure to find enough money to pay for my lifestyle. "Feeling good" soon became almost all that really mattered, and I began to compromise on many of the ideals of my youth. Honesty fell by the wayside as I rationalized my desire for drugs, which I'd become to view as the only way I could escape from my problems and feel good. When drug-related problems began to develop, I still wouldn't leave the dope behind. I didn't know then what I surely know now: no one is young, strong, smart, rich or wise enough to play around with these substances and not have problems. This lesson however was slowly learned the hard way. In the meantime my problems escalated rapidly. I'm not talking about years here. To make a long story short, within 18 months of the time that I first began to smoke pot and drink beer, I was arrested and imprisoned for burglaries I'd committed to pay for my addiction to heroin. I was 17 years old, half-way through my senior year of high school, and I was a junkie on my way to prison.

        My drug-fueled escapist fantasies were replaced with the hard reality of a prison cell. I spent the next two and one half years locked up, staying alive in a harsh environment but accomplishing little to remove the spiritual walls which surrounded my soul. I did not learn much about the real reasons for my imprisonment, for I sought wisdom through the world rather than from God. In my mind the main purpose of life still seemed to be feeling good.

        My release from prison brought a return to smoking pot and drinking beer on a regular basis. I rationalized that this was OK as long as I didn't use harder drugs, but after I broke up with a girl whom I'd dated, I soon fell back into depression and heavy drug use. I lost my job and began to steal. Convicted of another burglary I was soon incarcerated for another two years.

        During this second time in prison I made some sincere efforts to change, involving myself heavily in therapy, exercise, and college courses. I received an A.A. degree with a 4.0 GPA from a local junior college, and made the prison all-star softball team. My parents visited regularly, and I felt quite good about life. Yet shortly after my release on parole, I experimented with and became addicted to another drug: cocaine. After a few months my parole was violated and I was returned to prison for the remaining 10 months of my sentence. In spite of what I thought were my best efforts, I had failed again.

        These next few months in prison marked the beginning of a period of deep introspection and an intense search for meaning and direction in my life. Drugs were surely not the answer--they were a lie. Although they seemingly promised happiness and enlightenment, in the long run they had produced only unhappiness and confusion. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I did know that my experiences with drugs had made me a more dishonest and miserable person. I often felt so discouraged, depressed, and lost, at moments even suicidal, but I kept seeking....and finally I realized that I was searching for love, that love which I'd always believed in deep down, that true love which would impart real worth to my all-too-shallow soul.

        Another young lady had come into my life, but how could I make our relationship work unless I first got my own life in order? I wasn't even sure that what I was really looking for was romantic love; perhaps there was something more. It was at this time that I began to realize that the concepts of love and spirituality were inextricably linked.

        More and more, I began to feel God's influence and concern. The feelings became unmistakable. There was a God, and He WAS trying to reach through me. I was humbled, yet confused as to why God would have any interest in communicating with someone like me. I was a drug addict and convicted felon who hadn't prayed or gone to church in almost 10 years. Indeed, I hadn't always been sure there even was a God, and I certainly hadn't tried to keep all His commandments or follow His ways.

        Still, these spiritual feelings persisted and even intensified until finally one afternoon I was drawn to my knees in prayer in the privacy of my steel and concrete prison cell. Perhaps for the first time ever, I opened my heart in faith to God. I said "Heavenly Father I know that You're there, but I don't know why--why would You want to help someone such as me?" And His answer came softly but so clearly and deeply felt that I've never since been able to think about it without profound emotion: "Mark, it is because I love you@. How inexpressibly wonderful it felt to know that the God of the universe knew me and loved me!

        In my search for love I had been led to its' very Source, and what a revelation it was. I stayed on my knees for hours, praying and crying with humility, gratitude and joy. From that day on a light came on in my life and I was a changed person as the spiritual realm of God was opened up to me.

        With God's help, old habits were overcome; drugs, alcohol, and tobacco were left behind while prayer, scripture study, and service to others became important parts of my daily life. Led by the Spirit of the Lord I gained a strong testimony of the truthfulness and great worth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, including the Bible and The Book of Mormon.

        As I continued to walk in the Spirit, I felt so wonderful, so clean so loved! Joy reflected from my eyes and a love for all was in my heart. I didn't really understand how, but I knew that Jesus had made these marvelous feelings and blessings possible through His Atonement. The changes I had made were real and I felt a strong desire to share with all the world these supernal truths. Surely the lessons of the Atonement were relevant everywhere, for Christ truly was (and is) the Savior of the world!

        This desire to share my testimony was answered when I was cleared by church authorities and permitted to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I knew through answered prayer to be the true church of the Lord. As I was turning 25, exactly the year after the revelation of God's love for me (and only five months after my release from prison), I was privileged to enter the Missionary Training Center. My parents though still inactive in the church, supported me on my mission and were enthusiastic about all the positive changes in my life.

        I had learned that the gospel and church were true and had experienced a genuine spiritual rebirth. Now I needed to continue up the path of full conversion, living the gospel principles and becoming a true man of Christ and the mission field was a most appropriate place to further this quest. My mission proved to be a foreshadowing of life itself: sometimes difficult, sometimes wonderful, always challenging, always worthwhile.

        I could readily understand the need to keep all of the commandments and always live by the Spirit, but of course this was more easily said than done. When I slipped up I tended to be impatient and rather hard on myself. Still, the Lord richly blessed me throughout my mission and with God's help I continued to make progress in overcoming selfishness and depression and in living the Gospel. I will always be grateful for the marvelous experiences of going on a mission.

        This progress continued while attending BYU, into which I was accepted following my mission. I did well in school, met many new friends, exercised almost daily, attended the temple regularly, and was very active in my student ward. I was involved with many good and worthwhile things, and had some wonderful experiences while at BYU. Yet today it is clear that my commitment to the Gospel just did not go deep enough, for when I experienced some difficulties in my life (including the breakup of a relationship with a fine young woman), I began to fall apart, slipping into a gray world of doubt and depression.

        Rather like the story of the little boy who fell out of bed because he wasn't in far enough, I fell away from my commitment to living right, because I hadn't continued to strive to completely embrace the Gospel with my whole heart and soul. Foolishly supposing that my testimony alone was sufficient to shield me from anything truly harmful, I had slackened my efforts to walk in the Spirit and draw closer to God. Such a course I now see, is dangerous for anyone striving to be a true Christian, for the Gospel requires an absolute commitment. For someone with the magnitude of problems I'd experienced, I was walking a course tantamount to spiritual suicide.

        I realize now that God cannot protect us when we don't heed the Spirit. I further recognize that I did not develop the sort of abiding faith in Christ which would have enabled me to continue in the path of spiritual and emotional maturation and thus endure the storms of life. Instead, my focus drifted too much away from the Savior and towards myself, and I soon found myself drowning in heavy seas of confusion, self-pity and self-doubt. Spiritually waned, depression mounted (which I now see was induced, at least in part by guilt over my weaknesses and sins), and I began seeking external ways of making myself feel good.

        Looking back to this point in my life I do not believe that I was a terrible person, but I certainly felt that way at the time. The humility and gratitude which had first brought me to Christ became dormant and I began to question or forget some of the Gospel truths which I=d learned. I can now see how I allowed Satan to undermine my faith in God and my belief in myself. I came to believe what I now know is a lie. I believed my best was just not good enough; I could never be perfect and I just didn't have what it takes to ever become the person God wanted and wants me to be.

        While it is surely true that man, unaided by God, can never become perfect. What I didn't see then is that Christ offers the answer to this dilemma. While we don't have what it takes on our own, He is good enough. He does have what it takes for us to truly succeed in life. His grace is sufficient in every instance if we will only put our full trust and faith in Him after doing all we can do (see 2 Nephi 25:23).

        Perhaps I didn't know any better at the time but I surely could have, had I not allowed myself to be deceived into looking for easy answers or excuses as to why things were not better in my life. But I must now be honest. I didn't do all I could do, and thus my faith was not really faith at all; it was more like wishful thinking. I was running from the pain and just hoping that God would solve my problems for me and help me feel good; but of course that is not what the Gospel is all about, so nothing changed.

        I struggled deeply with feelings of low self-worth and depression. It wasn't that I felt my troubles to be worse than those of others. I could see that many people had problems far more difficult than mine. I just didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming sense of inadequacy I so often felt. I could never deny my testimony but my questions about God, myself and life often seemed to go unanswered. Almost every effort at self-improvement ended without success. Again this occurred because I wasn't doing all that I could, but I didn't see that at the time; all I saw were the spiritual dead-ends and fruitlessness of my barren faith. Dishonesty began to take over within me; I readily recognized the negative things in my life but would not admit that I was the cause--or more importantly, that I was the solution. I began to believe that life was a tougher proposition than I could ever handle, that I really was a failure.

        As if to ratify this conclusion I began to take pain pills. These made me feel better momentarily but in the long run they compounded my problems drastically. As my addiction mounted, I began to compromise more and more of my principles. Depression turned into real hopelessness and despair. In the end I just gave up on myself and returned to hard drugs, dishonesty and finally prison.

        In essence though, what I really returned to was a hell of my own making. An addiction state of being in which I made the same mistakes again and again in the face of greater knowledge. I became a prisoner of my own weaknesses. I knew better but lied to myself and chose to do wrong. Such a course could produce only one result: misery.

        I will not describe much of the bleak, ugly and painful existence that characterized my days leading up to prison, other than to testify categorically that "wickedness never was happiness (see Alma 41:10)." I fought my addiction for years, sometimes managing (with God's help) to stay alcohol and drug-free for weeks and months at a time. Yet time and time again in moments of stress and self-doubt, I relapsed. Each relapse seemed to take another chunk out of my soul until I was left without hope. As I look back, I realize both physical and spiritual death should have overtaken me had not the Lord been merciful to me beyond compare.

        Some might question that the Lord would even concern Himself in helping someone who had fallen as low as I had, yet I testify today that as unworthy as I was, God did still hear my prayers and reach out to save my life.

        Death was all around me and it would have been so easy to just let go. In my absolute despair I seriously considered suicide but still I would not bring myself to deny my testimony of the Gospel. No matter what I'd done I knew the Gospel was true and thus I also knew even death would bring no escape nor relief from my problems. Finally my life came down to one choice: did I want to live or did I want to die? In one critical moment I felt God's loving presence in my life and I chose to live.

        At the same time I realized that my choice was conditional: If I were to live I had to live right, the way God wanted me to live. I felt that to do otherwise would be the greatest affront to the very God who had saved me and would consign me to an earthly misery and eternal Hell of which my previous existence had provided the smallest taste. So yes, I chose to change partly out of fear, but I chose to change primarily because I realized that God still loved me.

        That I could still be loved by God was a miracle to me, a lifesaving revelation. I'd honestly believed I was too far gone to ever change and that I could never again receive God's help unless I proved that I was worthy of Him (which of course seemed impossible). This last return to drugs had simply been a coward's way of committing suicide. Yet suddenly and unmistakably I could feel that God was with me. Rather than showing forth condemnation, He was expressing Divine love. I'd reached bottom, the absolute extremity of my human existence and yet God had not abandoned me. He was still here with me.

        In His transcendent love, He somehow removed the guilt, shame and rebellion from my heart for a moment and invited me to communicate with Him. Humbled to the core, I spoke to Him asking Him what I should do and He answered: "Start by being honest". Literally seconds later I was arrested on robbery charges by the police.

        On my way to jail I took my first faltering steps in an odyssey toward greater personal honesty than I'd ever felt. I hadn't merely stolen money to pay for a drug habit. My selfishness had brought great pain into the hearts of those who love me, stood by me, and tried to help me over the years, including my family, friends, roommates, church leaders and members, counselors and other good people. I came to recognize my sins had truly affected all of mankind in that I had contributed to making this world a worse place.

        What was worse, I had a testimony, I'd known better. Deep guilt and pain of conscience filled my soul almost beyond endurance. How could I have given up? How could I have done what I did? I felt so tortured yet this was all my fault. Through many sleepless nights and countless tears I experienced and recounted the consequences of my sins over and over again. I esteemed myself to be a most despicable person of the poorest character and the least worth. How could God ever forgive someone such as I?

        I still remembered quite vividly the indescribable wonder of my initial conversion to Christ and the great joy I=d felt as I learned to live His Gospel. In remorseful anguish I wondered how I could have ever let something so precious slip away. Was it everlastingly too late to change? Voices almost convinced me it was--yet another voice reminded me that God had saved my life. Well, hadn't He? As I reflected upon this truth, I just had to believe that there was reason to hope, that the Atonement would even cover someone like me. He hadn't kept me alive to see me fall again.

        As I read The Book of Mormon again I dared to hope that the story of Alma the Younger could somehow be my story also. This time I vowed that it would not just be a physical withdrawal from drugs, but also and far more importantly, a complete spiritual withdrawal from the world of sin.

        As I lay in my cell, I faced up to an important truth: If I ever wanted anything to change for the better, I had to accept full responsibility for my life. Whatever I now was, or ever wanted to be was fully up to me. To be honest, this scared me a great deal. As immersed in self-doubt as I was, I didn't know if it were even possible for me to stay free of drugs, let alone live as a true Christian. Yet the Spirit gently whispered to me to not give up, but to take it slowly and give it a try and so I began to do just that.

        God had blessed me with an ember of life and as I turned my heart back to Him, hope and light and love slowly but steadily flowed back into my soul. I read the scriptures steadily and was in almost constant prayer--this was my lifeline to God to which I clung. As soon as I was permitted I became involved in the various LDS programs at the prison.

        Although I knew that I would be spending several years locked up, that really wasn't so important. What mattered was trusting in God, doing His will and being true to Him in every situation.

        I re-discovered how wonderful it feels to trust in God and to have Him trust in me and bless me with His Spirit. Even though the process of repentance sometimes seemed agonizingly difficult and slow I continued on. True repentance I found out, is much more than just the confession of guilt. I had so much to work out, so much to change. Though doubts that I could really truly change plagued me, the Spirit never ceased to quietly encourage me.

        Oh how grateful I am that I listened! I've learned that God never gives up on any of us, and that if we will turn to Him with a humble and open heart, and with a desire to do right, He will always be there for us no matter who we are or what we might have done. Brigham Young is quoted as having said that God will force no man to Heaven; I humbly testify that He will leave no man in Hell if that man will but repent.

        I have gained a witness that repentance through the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the greatest means of change, rehabilitation and peace of mind known to man.

        How merciful and good God truly is! It was a true revelation that He would grant forgiveness unto someone such as I. I discovered this miracle was made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which is the cornerstone of the Gospel plan and the greatest manifestation of God's love for man.

        Although I couldn't comprehend the mechanics of the Savior's atoning sacrifice, I could understand that He had saved me from the death and hell unto which I had subjected myself. His gift had bridged over the unpassable rift that had separated me from my Heavenly Father. Through Him I began to feel that I was a person of real worth for He had somehow paid the price for my sins with His own flesh and blood. He had shown me a more magnificent love than I had ever known existed. He had truly given me His all.

        The healing love which first brought me to God has returned me to Him once again and joy has returned to my heart. I have learned that the key to real happiness and success lies in the first and great commandment: to love God above all else. As I have striven to truly love God and always put Him first, the Atonement has become more fully efficacious in my life. This has happened as the Lord has taught me to not just believe in Christ but (in the words of Dr. Stephen Robinson of BYU) to believe Christ.

        I'd long believed in Christ that He is the Son of God, the Creator, the Messiah, and that He stands at the head of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints today. I've long believed that He is the perfect Example, and that His teachings and precepts are true. However I must admit that there have been frequent moments in which I thought I was too far gone for me to change, or for Christ to help me. In other words, although I believed in Christ, I didn't believe Christ. Oh the awful deceiving power of the Adversary! When I doubted myself I was also in essence doubting God and effectively cutting myself off from His willingness and ability to help me and change me.

        To believe Christ is to activate great faith and thereby unleash all the powers of Heaven in my behalf. Real growth and change have thus become possible as I've slowly learned to exercise real faith. I have so many weaknesses yet to overcome but progress is being made and I seldom feel so overwhelmingly inadequate as I once did. Thanks to God I have not used drugs or alcohol in years nor, will I do so again. This is my choice and God will honor it and help me to keep it as long as I retain my trust and faith in Him, and I will.

        Inner peace, hope, confidence, and the guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit are some of the fruits of true faith in God. It has become easier to do right and avoid wrong. Above all else, love has become real in my life! As I've learned to love and believe in my fellow man and myself, life has once again become good. As I continue to learn about Christ and follow His ways, it becomes more fulfilling and better everyday. Although still troubled at times with selfishness, pride, self-doubt, discouragement, depression, and unhealthy guilt, I am not alone in my battles. I have found the greatest Friend of all in Christ. Through His love I am being healed and helped along in my daily struggle to become more fully "born again". In the words of the Apostle Paul,

"There hath no temptation (problems, trial, etc.) taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation (problem, trial, etc.) also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 11:13)

        I have discovered that the Atonement covers, in the words of Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "the entire range of mortal bitterness." There is no sin, problem, trial, temptation, weakness, pain, inadequacy, shortcoming, or suffering that Christ is not aware of, that He will not help us with, or that His Atonement does not cover. If it is important to us, it is important to Him, and He will help us. His joy and His glory is to help us succeed in all of our righteous efforts.

        Through our faith He is with us in our every endeavor and our every extremity. Yes we must qualify for His grace by doing all that we can do, but the wonderful truth is that He will counsel us, encourage us, and actually help us to do our best all along the path of life. His grace occurs simultaneously with our faith and works. If and when we fall short, He will then carry us the rest of the way, such is the all-encompassing power and beauty of the Atonement.

        I now use the terms "us" and "we" rather than "me" and "I" because I firmly believe that these are the universal truths which apply to all human beings. Surely if Christ will help someone like me, He will help all men.

        The law of the harvest is another such universal truth which always applies whether we believe in God or not; we always reap what we sow Every choice we make carries with it consequences. In this world of complexity and choice, life still boils down to this: When we do right we will be happy; and when we do wrong we will not be happy.

        The great desire of nearly all men, myself included, is to be happy, and there is only one way to achieve this (as expressed in the words of King Benjamin the ancient prophet/king from The Book of Mormon):

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. 0 remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

        My story like yours, is not yet complete. I have much yet to learn, much yet to prove, and much yet to do. Most of all, I have yet to "be" for the essence of the Gospel is in becoming like our Savior, and this is a process which will continue far into the eternities. I still have my concerns and worries and I still feel all too susceptible to sin. But I now understand that these doubts and weaknesses are a necessary part of the mortal experience, without which we would not be able to develop faith, humility, and the host of other Christian qualities that God would have us attain. In spite of my many imperfections, I will go forward with my trust in the Lord.

        I go forward strengthened by a maturing testimony, by my association with the saints, and by my participation in the marvelous inspired programs of the church. The LDS prison program, the Family History program, volunteer counseling, the LDS activity nights have been of inestimable worth in teaching me the gospel, blessing me with the Spirit and changing my life for the better. To many of us in prison, those men and women who voluntarily share of their time, talents, testimonies and love in these programs are true angels of the Lord.

        Many have seen the picture of Christ with the caption, "I never promised you that it would be easy, I only promised you it would be worth it". Such is the nature of life when we follow the Savior, and such is my testimony. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, and living the Gospel of Jesus Christ is truly the only means by which we can attain a fullness of lasting happiness and eternal life. God is with us always, and it is always worth whatever price we must pay to do right and follow Christ.

        I fully believe that God is able to complete the good work which He has begun in me, if I will do my part. I pray that I will always do my part, and that I will develop sufficient humility and faith to always receive His help, for without Him I am truly less than nothing. I am so grateful for our Savior and His countless blessings (especially His Atonement), for all the good people in my life and for life itself. My hope and prayer is that all others will come to know the priceless joy that is available to them through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. May I close now in the words of Alma the Younger, whose words through the grace and love of God are now becoming my own:

"And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever...." (Alma 36:27,28)

        With my love and prayers, Mark W. Miner